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#1
2nd April 2010, 15:20
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26 and out
I told my therapist yesterday that during almost all of February I couldn't stop thinking about dying.
The thoughts were brought on by the fear of having to confront the SA and BDD. The thoughts were not mine to control, it was if my mind was pleading with me not to continue treatment. My therapist asked me why I was having these thoughts. I said that my life is bleak, without any future only a tortured past being ferried about. He asked how old I was, 26. He laughed at me, then went flipping through my folder looking for a reason for optimism. He pulled out a sheet which he had scribbled on a while ago, 'it says here you'd like to be a firefighter but you have trouble with your eyes or breathing?' I muttered 'no, epilepsy'. That was it. I have this on my mind today because I found out yesterday that an old friend was doing everything we used to talk about. I am happy for him but his success has only highlighted my failures. God, what a depressing post. Here is a dancing banana to lighten the mood.  let's make it a bunch ofbananas  a ncing_b
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#3
2nd April 2010, 16:40
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Re: 26 and out
Quote:
He's doing a good job, I know that I can difficult and I must detour allot catching him unprepared. Yeah, I just don't think he saw it coming that's all. |
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#4
3rd April 2010, 10:12
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Re: 26 and out
I have had a similar experience with a therapist lately myself.
I don't blame him, but he was really struggling to come up with any positive stuff at all. Mind you it's their job, not like they can turn around and say "yeah, you're life is shit, isn't it"  Mine yawned in almost every session too, he tried to cover it up, but made a funny face instead ha! I wouldn't of minded, but I was paying him good money for this. |
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#5
3rd April 2010, 10:40
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Re: 26 and out
chaplin this will sound lame but i've had some very similar phases in my own life, where you are caught between something that terrifies you, ie treatment, versus the idea of living an unfulfilling life and then dying.
what has happened with me is that some of the things i need to do to get better scare the shit out of me, and i go through a period of months, sometimes years, thinking "i can't do that, i'd only end up screwing myself up worse and i can't bear to do that". and then the other alternative is - carry on with a life i can't stand, and then die. i went around thinking about dying an awful lot, to the ponit where it never left my mind and was bearing down on me all the time. that was hard to get through.  what happened was that at some point i was able to weigh the two things up - what i had to do to recover, versus death. i realised that i was FAR more scared of death than of challengnig certain thoughts or getting out and doing certain difficult things. the key for me was that its very very hard to weigh up two such massive things with any sincerity, you know? to sort of be able to face up to the fear of them both enough to see any actual sense, instead of just feeling flooded with terror. once i knew this, that i'd rather do crazy stuff to get better rather than die, i knew it was "the right thing" to do, to do these things. well that lifted the horrible indecision and it meant i could now give my energy to doing those things, rather than splitting it between staving off the need to get better AND the need to die  i hope you feel better soon, just don't give up 
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#6
3rd April 2010, 10:59
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Re: 26 and out
Quote:
Failure isn't a option for me, not because I am convinced that I will succeed or that I am incredibly brave but because I can't return to who I was. See, I just wrote 'who I was' that must hint at some progress already. Well done me. 
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