Cherophobia to a degree.

[SpectralOwls]

Hi friends.

Do you ever feel scared to revel in happiness? If you get good news, you immediately think something bad is going to happen so you don't want to celebrate it? I believe that's what cherophobia is, and I believe I have it.

It's gotten worse as I've been starting my visa process to move to the UK. The application process as you can imagine is Hell. It took nearly triple the time it takes on average due to the pandemic (and I presume Brexit), and already the system was pretty bad before this was all happening.

By the time I got my passport back, I had no contact. UPS called me and I went to go pick up the envelope, not even knowing if I was approved or not. Took it home, opened it, saw the sticker in my passport and for a moment felt happy (though in disbelief)!

And for a week I was happy, but then started to feel a nagging anxiety. Like something bad is bound to happen. And with that feeling, I start panicking about how I'm going to move on my own when my fiance can't even enter the states from the pandemic (though that has been lifted in Nov recently). And THEN I noticed that they actually gave me the WRONG visa, so started panicking again about that. And THEN I find out due to the pandemic, most airlines have barred pets from travel in cargo so I start spiraling out control when I worry about bringing my dog over or potentially having to give him up.

Last week I received good news that the states will open in November, but I feel worried to be happy. Such thoughts as, "Will the government take that away?" "Will the pandemic worsen and I will be stuck here?" "Will the gas crises affect my flight in January?" Thoughts like that become intrusive.

I'm going on prozac now to help ease the anxiety, but it will take over a month to kick in. It was such a huge struggle to even talk to my doctor about it because my SA is so bad (thankfully for one thing from the pandemic, internet calls are encouraged I don't have to come into the clinic in-person).

But yeah, it's like every little thing has been giving me panic attacks. I'm afraid to do anything so I just sit around and waste my day. I really hope that the medication works and I can go back to normal. It's awful.

Sometimes I stop and think about how nice it must feel for a person to just feel HAPPY without feeling scared that something bad is going to happen. Will that ever happen to me again? I miss that feeling...

[SpectralOwls]

Yep! I found out there's a word for it. It's most common in people who have high anxiety and in perfectionists as well. That is very much me in both ways, and I hate it!

It's so sad to think about being a kid and once actually feeling *happy* about things. Like wow, what did that feel like??? Can't believe that was me once.

I keep trying to tell myself things will get better and once i move I'll be happy and not have to worry, but then the nagging side of me tells me to stop putting all my eggs in one basket and always prep for the worst scenario.

It is like you say!

[SpectralOwls]

Thanks, DiamonD, I very much do. you are very sweet. <3 Thanks for listening to me.

[MissKatie]

I've always just considered myself to be a pessimist person but what you've wrote makes a lot of sense.
I don't strive for happiness as I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because it'd always be a "well what's going to go wrong no this one good thing has happened?"

People have told me that's silly, but that's been the experience for my entire life and it blows.

[SpectralOwls]

Yeah it seriously does. I feel like we're just so much more hyper-aware of the negative outcome because we have lived it, or at the very least have seen others live it. It's like a curse for us.

Cognitive therapy is probably the only thing that will work I feel like.

[MissKatie]

CBT didn't work for me. I found it patronising and ridiculous. But that's just the way my brain works (or doesn't haha) that doesn't mean it won't be great for you

[gregarious_introvert]

I think there was a time when I was more like this, that if something went right I was waiting for it all to crash down around me, but somewhere along the line, I think I've become a cautious optimist (ie. I'm aware that things can go wrong, but I'm not expecting it, even though I'm prepared). I think the turning point is when something else good happens before the bad thing you're expecting.

Obviously, we don't have control over everything, but there are times when our negative expectations make it more likely that the adverse event will occur (subconsciously, we can self-sabotage).

MissKatie, I agree with you about CBT; amara posted in another thread that therapies are designed for neurotypical ways of thinking (or words to that effect) and I think that's why my autistic brain finds CBT challenging and is better suited to things like ACT.

[SpectralOwls]

I definitely joke around that I'm a control freak with my coworkers, and it's pretty true. ^_^; Just can't stand the thought of things being "unknown" and up in the air. So that definitely is a factor.

Interesting! I'll give anything a shot. I have ADD, so for that alone I've had some trouble with some methods of learning or adapting, so it's definitely possible that I could struggle. I'm trying to hold off on going to therapy until after I move to see how I'm feeling, but if the meds don't help then I'll seek one out soon.

[Marco]

I think I can kind of relate to this, but not so much because I have an aversion to happiness or have a problem feeling happy; it’s more that I worry about not worrying. I worry that if I stop worrying about something – anything at all – that it’s like letting my guard down and something will go terribly wrong. It’s almost as if I subconsciously imagine that my worrying has a supernatural protective influence or that I’ll be punished if I dare become complacent or presumptuous. Is there a name for that? Anxiophilia?

[SpectralOwls]

It does sound super similar to the feeling of cherophobia, like you have to keep that anxiety momentum going right? :/ To me, I'd consider it to be under the same umbrella, but there's probably a more direct word for it as you've mentioned (since it does seem unique enough to have its own label). It's not pleasant either way.

Wish we had a magic switch to just turn it off. Anxiety~