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  #1  
Old 30th January 2020, 00:02
Effinuck Effinuck is offline
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Default Family Holidays

My wife loves to go on breaks with her family, she brings the kids. I never take part it these, it is just too stressful for me. I feel like I'm letting her and the kids down, but it's not a holiday to me if we're pandering to the preferences of her parents and siblings every day.

Like all kids, ours love their grandparents and generally when they're around, my wife and me are surplus to requirements. I feel awkward enough without actually being ignored by my kids. I just don't see the point. This is not exclusive to in-laws. I have never suggested or taken part in, or aspire to, an family break with my parents/siblings.

I guess I'm just looking to see if this is a common feeling among people who suffer from social anxiety, or indeed people who don't. Holidays with the in-laws... no thanks from me.
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  #2  
Old 30th January 2020, 11:46
Aelwyn Aelwyn is offline
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Default Re: Family Holidays

I can well understand that you would find that type of holiday stressful. I wouldn't have liked it at all, though I suppose it depends to some extent on how well you get on with the in-laws.

Are the grandparents offended that you don't join them? And do you think it affects your relationship with your wife and children? Would spending a day or two of the holiday with them be possible for you?
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  #3  
Old 30th January 2020, 12:16
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: Family Holidays

Effinuck, I agree with Aelwyn: could you spend part of the holiday with them? If not, do you ever have holidays as a family without the in-laws? I am sure that your wife understands how you feel about such holidays, but (and I don't know how old your children are), I worry that your children might see it as their father not wanting to spend time with them, rather than not wanting to spend time with your wife's family.

I have never had experience of a holiday with extended family: when I was a child, what few holidays we had were my parents, my sister (who was older than I, so there weren't many times she was included as once she reached 14, she would either stay at home or go on holiday with friends) and myself; as an adult, the vast majority of breaks have been taken by myself, the rest either with my partner or my partner and her child. It does sound like something I would find difficult to bear, however.
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  #4  
Old 19th February 2020, 10:41
Effinuck Effinuck is offline
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Default Re: Family Holidays

Thanks for your replies.

This comment worries me the most: "I worry that your children might see it as their father not wanting to spend time with them, rather than not wanting to spend time with your wife's family." The kids love their grand-parents, but I feel excluded when I am with them, as they have great fun together and Dad [me] is often the butt of the jokes, which I really do not like.

My wife is a very social person and despite us being together so long, still doesn't really seem to understand my problem. I have made it clear that I'm not part-taking in group holidays and prefer if we go as our own family unit. Even when we do go on our own breaks, she seems to always have to meet some friend of hers who lives nearby. It drives me crazy, as I'm left having to entertain or make awkward small-talk with that friend's partner. If the choice is up to me, I generally try to book a foreign holiday, to avoid this sort of situation. But then my mother-in-law likes to gently guilt-trip me about it, hinting that she would love to be coming with us.

My wife doesn't pressure me to go on group holidays or spend group time with in-laws or her friends, but it kills me to miss out on time with my kids while they're small. I get so little time with them anyways, because of my working hours and commuting etc.

I don't really have any close friends, apart from my brother, who I feel is generally frustrated with me, as I don't do very many social things with him, apart from maybe going to watch sports.
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  #5  
Old 19th February 2020, 13:59
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: Family Holidays

^ I apologise for saying that, Effinuck, but you do say that it kills you to miss out on time with your kids and I was trying to look at the situation from their point of view; also, you say that you feel excluded but that you're the butt of your kids' jokes, which is most likely your kids' way of including you - I know when I was a child, I used to make playful remarks about my father, from whom I inherited my dry, acerbic wit.

You say that when you go on breaks with your family, your wife will want to visit a friend who lives nearby; I was wondering if, on those occasions, instead of tagging along and making small talk, you could suggest that she goes alone while you entertain the kids? That way, she gets to do her thing whilst you get to spend quality time bonding with the children.

I didn't mean to sound harsh or alarmist in my first message, I am sure that, like most parents, your kids come first for you and I just thinking how your absence from the holiday might seem to them.
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  #6  
Old 24th February 2020, 16:26
Effinuck Effinuck is offline
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Default Re: Family Holidays

No worries. Not offended by your comment, just made me think.

We have just returned from two days away, which my wife had booked. She had plans to meet a couple of friends and spend time with them. She did that, with the kids and I stayed behind in the hotel and got a workout and some work done. It worked out OK, but still feel I'm letting her and the kids down or that I'm an oddball.

There is another weekend away coming up in a few weeks, which is basically to catch up with friends. I don't want want to go, to have to spend awkward time with my wife's friend and her family. I also don't want to miss out on time with my kids. I love them and my wife, but I'm not happy to be spending my holiday time with friends and extended family. I can't relax.
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