The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[alpha]

^ Thanks @gregarious_introvert , that's, well, nice of you . And sounds like very good advice. By the way you clearly ARE a nice person and I'm sure there are other people on here who agree with that description.

^^ Thanks for your kind words too @Nanuq , I do agree that being nice isn't a weakness. In fact it's probably the opposite.

I feel like I'm abusing this thread by posting happy comments now . We must get back to some depressive talk...

[Rocket Spud]

Waves of ideation coming on strong in recent days, it's a really dodgy time and recent events are pushing me. I have zero hope for the future, i feel like a husk, i've felt like this on and off in recent years and i feel the support i need to pull out of it - to make it worthwhile - won't be enough anyway (the ****ing time and effort just to gain some semblance of fitting back into society, what's the point).

We'll see.

[Deer]

Spud! Does get like that at times like.

[Chess&Junkfood]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way mate. It's times like this that I wish I had something meaningful to say. Although I could probably tell you a chicken joke, but I'm not sure how meaningful that would be. I was also going to elaborate on how my mood had dropped last year. But then I thought that might be like adding a bunch of tnt to the situation. Or another way of putting it:

Me and Spud have had a wonderful time on the forum, but we've heard Dignitas is beautiful this time of year.

But I have found meds to be helpful during this time. I also think of the friendship I once had. Although I talked myself out of that friendship, because of my insecurities. But it made me appreciate what a powerful feeling it is when you connect with someone. And how life becomes a lot brighter when that happens. Or something like that. I also want to add that I've been listening to a lot of Michael Bolton recently. Although there's nothing wrong with listening to Michael of course. After all, he's a good singer. It's just that Michael has a way of putting so much passion in his songs, that I'm having to stop myself from proposing to you right now. Which I feel is a good indicator of knowing that you have listened to too much Bolton.

But anyway Spud, for what it's worth mate, I think you're great! And don't get me started on that winning personality of yours! I would also give you a emoticon hug, but what with the Boltmeister still playing in the background, it's probably best that I give you a thumbs up instead

[Rocket Spud]

Thanks, guys, really appreciate it - feeling better today and in general (though all's still shite, of course).

[Utopia]

^^ You've not brang me down anyway...

[Consolida]

@ Skittles - you don't bring anyone down here. If you can't speak honestly about how you are feeling on a mental health forum then I don't know where you can
I'm really sad to hear that you are struggling
Are you receiving any support?


@ Rocket Spud - you always come across so cheery in your posts and often make me chuckle so I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down.
As you can see, you are very well liked here so don't you be going anywhere okay!!

[Rocket Spud]

Thanks, Consolida

No, not happy, deeply discontent but good at ignoring things - not the healthiest of ways to deal but it works most the time!

[gregarious_introvert]

I have felt that way, skittles, for a number of years I used to hope that I would go to bed and never wake up; although I thought about it so often, my last actual attempt was back in the late 1980s and I am so glad - now - that I was found in time and that I haven't tried since. I know it's been a long time that you've felt this way and I wish there was something I could say or do which would change things, but all I can ask is that you remember that there are people who love and care about you and that you're able to stay strong (maybe discuss your medication with someone, as it clearly isn't working) and that there will come a time when you see a brighter future.

@Rocket Spud, I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way but glad that, for now, you're coping; I hope the feeling soon passes. As others have said, you are well-liked here and we all appreciate the humour in your posts.

[Rocket Spud]

Thanks, gregarious introvert

[db838]

I've been struggling recently, I don't even feel that sad or depressed, just completely empty. I never used to wake up feeling down, even if I'd gone to bed the night before hoping I don't wake up I'd usually feel ok after a sleep but now I just feel like what's the point? I still go to work but I'm getting a pay cut soon which makes me feel a bit of a failure in itself. I don't think I would ever have the nerve to end my life, which I'm kind of clinging onto right now. I just wish my Mum was still around to help pick me up like she used to.

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by skittles88

I really don't want to live anymore. anyone else feel like this daily? or is it just me?

Oh god yes. I'm sure it's common. I'm not suicidal exactly, but I do often feel that life's just too hard, that I'm simply too anxious, introverted and filled with shame to cope. I don't want to die, but I certainly wouldn't mind not existing anymore, if that makes sense? Life is just constant stress, fear, regret, shame, panic...then there is climate change, overpopulation, nuclear weapons, etc. And my personal future isn't looking too rosy either - an isolated old age, with no kids, no partner and no money. It really does seem pointless at times. If life was a fairground ride I'd probably say "christ, let me off".

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by db838

I've been struggling recently, I don't even feel that sad or depressed, just completely empty. I never used to wake up feeling down, even if I'd gone to bed the night before hoping I don't wake up I'd usually feel ok after a sleep but now I just feel like what's the point? I still go to work but I'm getting a pay cut soon which makes me feel a bit of a failure in itself. I don't think I would ever have the nerve to end my life, which I'm kind of clinging onto right now. I just wish my Mum was still around to help pick me up like she used to.

I know that feeling only too well, db838, that sounds exactly like depression to me, that feeling of being nothing but an empty shell with the world happening around you, but your not part of it? It's like sleepwalking through life and seems so pointless - but eventually, it does change, please trust me. I lost my mum 19 years ago and my dad 9 years ago, but I still talk to both of them (I don't know what I'd do if one of them answered!) and tell them about things which would have interested them or made them happy. As for the work situation, you are not a failure, you have a job and that is a success in itself. I write this far too often in this thread, but just stay strong and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

@skittles, I am not a fan of medication either (I have always refused it in the past) so it probably sounds hypocritical that I should suggest it for you, but you have been feeling this way so long that something does need to change for you - whether that's medication, therapy or something else, I can't say, but I would love to read one day that you are enjoying life.

@Moksha, not wanting to exist anymore is something to which I can relate (although not in the last five years or so - at least, not constantly like it used to be), I read a lot of your posts and I wish there were something I - or someone - could do to release you from your shame, because from what I know of your story, you have no reason for shame (unless you have murdered someone or robbed an old lady, but if you have, you've kept it quiet). Stress is part of everybody's life, unfortunately, but (without wishing to sound like a serenity prayer), try to stop stressing about things which are outside your control (with regard to climate change, I don't mean stop recycling, still do your bit!) - it's been more than 50 years, for instance, since the Cuban missile crisis and back then, everyone really did think that nuclear was imminent, but if it does happen, it will be over quickly and you won't know too much about it! No partner, no kids and no money doesn't need to lead to an isolated old age, but if it does, I'll let you know because I'll be there before you!

[db838]

Thanks for the kind words, I have had a better day today. Just got to blob on.

[Jen.]

This evening I saw someone I care about for the first time since the recent failed attempt, and it was as awkward as I'd imagined it would be. Lots of shame and embarrassment... very difficult to make eye contact and not quite sure what to say a lot of the time. The whole evening I kept thinking what would you be doing right now instead of this if I was no longer here, and feeling increasingly guilty about it. It seems impossible to explain things to people sometimes.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ Did the person you care about know about the failed attempt? I agree, it must be hard to know how to interact with someone in that situation. I was quite fortunate in that the only person who knew about my last attempt was my boss and I sidestepped that issue by moving on to another place of work shortly afterwards. By the way, I did read your blog but wasn't sure if you wanted comment, but if you do want to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation, feel free to PM me anytime.

I am glad you're still here, Jen and I am pretty sure there are many others too.

[girlinterrupted]

Not sure if this should be in this thread- am not planning to do anything atm (although it's still my `escape` plan for whenever anything happens to my mum and I'm fully alone) but...more I'm not sure how to be here. Or if I want to be. Both those things are terrifying. I thought I had a couple of (very slightly) better days where I had `ok` moments in them,but the last week or so has just been right back to the worst again. I can't do this,but I can't `go` either. Feels like I'm just trapped in pain and panic with no hope of it being over,unless I hope for everything to be over. I can't make it go away unless everything goes away. What a horrible `only hope` to have.

[gregarious_introvert]

^ I'd been thinking how much brighter your posts appeared to be lately, girlinterrupted. Of course, nobody is expecting you to be on top of the world right now, everything must be very painful at the moment. Was there anything different about those "ok" days, or has anything happened to make you revert (other than feelings rushing back, or feeling guilt about feeling ok, both of which are natural)? Sometimes there is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better, but I hope it helps you to know that there are people who care.

[girlinterrupted]

Ty so much @gregarious_introvert (I can't call you GI as I get called that too and it'll befuddle me at this time of day!). It really does help,sometimes my head is a very lonely place.

Nothing changed- I think I can be 'okish' (I mean,a ruddy rubbish sort of ok,but still) for a few hours or even a few days at a time if I keep busy or don't let my mind 'go there' as it were,but there's only so long I can keep out reality. Then it all floods back and overwhelms me again,with a kind of hysteria almost. It's scary,probably because I've never experienced that aspect before of grieving someone,even a parent. There has always been a degree of acceptance with grief before,this has seemed to trigger a weird sense of surreal disbelief,as if life split somehow and I've ended up in some wrong,accidental,mistake of a reality and there's nothing I can do. Kind of like one of those nightmares where someone expects you to fly a plane or take a penalty in an F.A. Cup final and won't believe you're not the person they think you are,and no-one will believe you no matter who you try to tell. Nothing I or anyone can do can put this right,or stop the pain,or the guilt,or the sadness,or confusion,or terror,and knowing that makes it all the more terrifying. The unending-ness of it all is unthinkable. I don't really feel guilt for the times I feel 'okish',if anything I feel guilt for the rest of it,when I feel like this,as I know it's the last thing he would want and I am letting everyone down all over again by being this pathetic and self-pitying. When I feel 'ok' I take comfort in knowing he would want that,and knowing it makes my mums day better. I don't want to ruin the rest of her time,and our time together,the poor woman has lost out on enough throughout the decades of me being...well,nuts at times,frankly.

Everything hurts so so badly,and I am someone for whom an ordinary Tuesday is too much,before all this,so this level of pain is way beyond my coping skills. I don't know how I'm supposed to get way better than I have been (various mental illnesses) in decades when I have less support than ever,plus this latest whatever it's called. Tragedy. Situation. F-Up. I dunno. It all feels overwhelming and I'm scared I won't withstand it,and my mum will spend the last however long she has nursing me through yet another breakdown with no-one to help her this time. She deserves better.

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by gregarious_introvert

^ Did the person you care about know about the failed attempt? I agree, it must be hard to know how to interact with someone in that situation. I was quite fortunate in that the only person who knew about my last attempt was my boss and I sidestepped that issue by moving on to another place of work shortly afterwards. By the way, I did read your blog but wasn't sure if you wanted comment, but if you do want to talk to someone who has been in a similar situation, feel free to PM me anytime.

I am glad you're still here, Jen and I am pretty sure there are many others too.

Yes, I told a couple of people shortly afterwards (plus someone else who I asked to get me from the hospital at the time) but I hadn't seen anyone else in person other than my sister since then. I have spoken to them about it a little bit by text in the last week but face to face is a whole different thing. Ha don't worry, I don't mind anyone commenting on whatever.

Thanks, that means a lot.

[gregarious_introvert]

Originally Posted by girlinterrupted

Ty so much @gregarious_introvert (I can't call you GI as I get called that too and it'll befuddle me at this time of day!). It really does help,sometimes my head is a very lonely place.

Nothing changed- I think I can be 'okish' (I mean,a ruddy rubbish sort of ok,but still) for a few hours or even a few days at a time if I keep busy or don't let my mind 'go there' as it were,but there's only so long I can keep out reality. Then it all floods back and overwhelms me again,with a kind of hysteria almost. It's scary,probably because I've never experienced that aspect before of grieving someone,even a parent. There has always been a degree of acceptance with grief before,this has seemed to trigger a weird sense of surreal disbelief,as if life split somehow and I've ended up in some wrong,accidental,mistake of a reality and there's nothing I can do. Kind of like one of those nightmares where someone expects you to fly a plane or take a penalty in an F.A. Cup final and won't believe you're not the person they think you are,and no-one will believe you no matter who you try to tell. Nothing I or anyone can do can put this right,or stop the pain,or the guilt,or the sadness,or confusion,or terror,and knowing that makes it all the more terrifying. The unending-ness of it all is unthinkable. I don't really feel guilt for the times I feel 'okish',if anything I feel guilt for the rest of it,when I feel like this,as I know it's the last thing he would want and I am letting everyone down all over again by being this pathetic and self-pitying. When I feel 'ok' I take comfort in knowing he would want that,and knowing it makes my mums day better. I don't want to ruin the rest of her time,and our time together,the poor woman has lost out on enough throughout the decades of me being...well,nuts at times,frankly.

Everything hurts so so badly,and I am someone for whom an ordinary Tuesday is too much,before all this,so this level of pain is way beyond my coping skills. I don't know how I'm supposed to get way better than I have been (various mental illnesses) in decades when I have less support than ever,plus this latest whatever it's called. Tragedy. Situation. F-Up. I dunno. It all feels overwhelming and I'm scared I won't withstand it,and my mum will spend the last however long she has nursing me through yet another breakdown with no-one to help her this time. She deserves better.

Excuse me for quoting the whole of a long post, but I didn't see anywhere to edit it. I know what you mean about the name thing, I can't call you GI either and sometimes I log on and see a response to one of your posts and think it's aimed at me! I don't mind what people call me, so you (or anyone else) can always use greg, gregvert or whatever.

It seems to me that everything you're going through now is completely natural, you are not just grieving but grieving for someone who left us suddenly, unexpectedly and in a way which is going to leave those who cared about him asking so many questions; plus, many of us here miss Ozzy even though we didn't know him as well as you (I'm sure you are aware that there is still a condolence message in the chatroom?). You say that you don't feel guilty when your having a slightly better day and that's how Ozzy would want you to feel, so (as we all know that he had a good sense of humour) perhaps you can try to remember the good times and things he said or did which made you laugh? I am pretty sure I would be struggling in your situation too, most of the grieving I have experienced has followed a period of illness and I've been prepared for it, this is something different entirely.

Have you considered grief counselling? Again, it's not something I have ever experienced, so don't know how useful it might be. I've just done a quick google and found this, which is specifically for those bereaved by suicide, again I can't comment on how helpful it might be as it's not something I can recommend from personal experience.

I hope you start to have more ok-ish days than bad ones soon, girlinterrupted.

[Consolida]

^ I don't know much but I do know that you aren't one bit pathetic.
You are a lot braver and stronger than you think Skittles and will get through this difficult period as you have done before

[gregarious_introvert]

^^ Who are you talking to, skittles? Which one of us is the pathetic himan being?

I agree with Consolida, there is nothing remotely pathetic about you, except inside a head which won't allow you to see yourself as others do. I know that there is little I can say to you that I haven't said previously, but all those things are still valid.

You're on a long, tough journey right now skittles, but when the going gets easier, I hope that the strength and resilience you've shown to come this far will help you to live the life you deserve.

Sent from my SM-J330FN using Tapatalk

[gregarious_introvert]

^ Sorry, skittles, I shouldn't have tried joking, it never works! I knew what you meant, it was just the way it read.

You did seem a little better last time you left hospital but not for long, so perhaps that isn't the best option for you - but maybe you need to sit down with everyone involved (doctors, social workers, mental health team, family etc.) and discuss an alternative way forward, making sure that you say everything you need to about why you think nothing is working.

Somehow, they do need to put a long-term strategy into place to help you get better and stay better, instead of using short-term solutions with you ending up feeling the same way you did before.

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[gregarious_introvert]

If everyone really were better off without you, they wouldn't be worrying in the first place. You can discuss your needs with the support worker and if you need more help, he/she can report that back to the mental health team. As I said, it would be best to get everyone in one room and look at the big picture.

The world is definitely better with skittles in it! So many people here want to see you come through this, but all we have to help are words, I wish we had more.

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[limey123]

Hi Skittles,

Very worried to read how you are thinking, it sounds like you need urgent intervention. Most people here probably don't know you too well, but that doesn't mean we don't care. Please try to be kinder to yourself, you are as valuable and worthy as anyone else alive! We really want to see you get better again. So please get whatever help you need. Please keep posting so we know you are still there, and so we can continue to be supportive.
As Nanuq and GI have said, we are rooting for you, I wish there was more we could concretely do.

[Scott83]

Originally Posted by db838

I've been struggling recently, I don't even feel that sad or depressed, just completely empty. I never used to wake up feeling down, even if I'd gone to bed the night before hoping I don't wake up I'd usually feel ok after a sleep but now I just feel like what's the point? I still go to work but I'm getting a pay cut soon which makes me feel a bit of a failure in itself. I don't think I would ever have the nerve to end my life, which I'm kind of clinging onto right now. I just wish my Mum was still around to help pick me up like she used to.

I have bouts of something similar when I find myself in a situation which makes me anxious. Sometimes I wish I could just escape to my own desert island and never be found.

You aren't a failure, almost everybody will find themselves in a job where they're made redundant, sacked, or faced with a pay cut. It's not your fault, just another unfortunate part of life. What you're feeling will pass with time.

[Consolida]

^ Please don't feel guilty for feeling this way. It's not your fault that you are suffering with poor mental health anymore than it would be your fault if you were suffering with a physical illness. If you could change how you feel you would. Your mum's turn of phrase was rather unfortunate but she is clearly extremely worried about you as any mother would be when their beloved child is poorly.

As others have said, it might prove helpful for everyone to come together - you, your family, and the whole of the mental health team - to discuss the possibility of putting a long term support and treatment plan into action. Obviously just spending some time in hospital isn't the best solution.

We are all gunning for you here Skittles, so please keep us regularly updated

[gregarious_introvert]

I can't add much to what's been said in the post above: you have no reason at all to feel guilty, skittles; obviously, it's not easy for your mum but she loves you and wants you in her life, that's why she wants help from the crisis team. You never know, they just might have something which can help, but make sure that you have full input into any discussions - it's your life and your future.

I know you can't see it now, but there is a way forward from this - but until you find it, keep posting here and/or PMing anyone you trust, whenever you need support because there are so many people here ready to give it.

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[Consolida]

Probably not the right place to post this as I'm not suicidal because I would never inflict something like that on my beloved son or husband, but I'm about as depressed as I can be. The future looks so bleak and pointless - we live (or exist if your life has been blighted by poor mental health) and then we die. When I was in a hospital recently seeing all the sickly old people just reminded me that things are only ever going to get worse with each passing year. Yesterday I didn't even bother showering or getting dressed. I stayed in bed all day and slept, on and off, because sleep is the only escape from feeling this way. I know this isn't a healthy way to live but for months now I've had no motivation or energy to do anything at all.

I'm not looking for a response (thanking people for responding is a burden in itself although I am always grateful) but for some reason I need to let these feelings out somewhere