I need some advice.

[LonelyG]

I had another appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and she asked me about possible things that may have contributed to my anxiety. I told her that my parents were extremely overprotective of me when I was younger, and also rather foolishly told her about how my dad has treated me in the past.

About twice a year or so, he lets his anger (mainly about work) get the better of him. As soon as I don't do as he asks or annoy him even in the slightest, he just explodes. I think he mainly picks on me because he knows that I am the least assertive member of the family and he knows he can get away with it. There have been many times in the past when he has hit and kicked me (hard enough to leave marks and bruises), sworn at, and verbally abused me.

On one occasion I didn't take the rubbish out when he asked, as I didn't like how he was shouting at me rather than asking me. Again, he exploded, kicked the chair I was sitting on so hard that he put a large hole in it, dragged me onto the floor and started to hit, kick and swear at me, with me pleading with him to calm down as he was doing so.

On another occassion when we were on holiday in France, he had been arguing with me and beating me up all day. When he started to shout at and hit me again, I ran away and hid in the campsite toilets, with him tearing after me. I was convinced he was going to more seriously injure me. I had a panic attack in the toilets because I was so afraid that he would find me and beat me up.

He has used the fact that I have no friends to his advantage many times (saying that I don't have any because I'm such a horrible, selfish person).

Anyway, I told my psychiatrist this at my appointment the other day (not without letting quite a few tears run down my cheek) and she told me that what I had mentioned was actually quite serious. (I honestly did not think it was that bad, and mostly saw my dad hitting me and my siblings as normal, but the more I think about it, the more I agree with her). The problem is I feel really awful for telling her that now, as she has said that she may even have to get a social worker involved. Considering that my parents just split up in October, this really isn't the best time for my dad to be dealing with something like this.

On the other hand, I do genuinely believe that the way my dad has treated me has contributed greatly to my self-esteem and anxiety issues. I suppose he kind of brought he up to fear him. Even now, when I do anything to anger him, I flinch, expecting him to lash out at me. He has been much calmer over the last year or so, but still shouts and swears a lot.

What I want to know is: Is the way my dad has behaved really as serious as my psychiatrist says? Please don't get me wrong, there have been times my dad has treated me like a punching bag, but he can still be a fun, nice person to be around, and I still love him a great deal. I feel that my psychiatrist is overeacting, and I'm so afraid that she and the authorities will take action against my dad.

I would greatly appeciate it if someone could give me advice on this, as I am completely at a loss as to what to do here.

[tituscrow]

Yes it is that serious. And the fact that he's usually OK is in some ways worse as it gives the impression that you set him off, therefore you are the one in the wrong.
He sounds manipulative and uncaring and to be honest this does sound like a case for Social Services.

[hardy]

what your dad does is totally unacceptable!

a parent is expected to discpline a child but this goes far beyond what is acceptable . Most people these days dont think ANY physical punishment is acceptable.

[Kitri]

Sounds like your dad has some serious issues with anger management. I'm not surprised your therapist reacted shocked and concerned. No matter how 'ok' your dad 'usually' is, to use you as his punching bag and letting whatever troubles he has at work or whereever else out on you is totally out of line. You grew up with this so your brain has registered this kind of behaviour as 'normal'. It isn't.

Don't feel bad about having told your therapist about it. I don't even want to think about how much damage this kind of treatment by your dad must have caused to your self-esteem. Let your therapist help you .

How old are you by the way, if you don't mind me asking?

[steve_2010]

I agree that it is unacceptable, but if you are not happy with your psychiatrist telling social services then I would speak to them about that and tell them that you don't want them to and why.

I don't know how old you are Deep Thought but if you have moved out and gotten away from your dad then I can understand how you might just want to talk about it with someone and not have them stir up more trouble by getting others involved now it is in the past.

If you are still living at home within his grasp then that is a different matter, and if you are not over 18 then the psychiatrist may do it anyway.

Talk with your psychiatrist, tell them what you think about them saying they are going to go to social services, and see if you can come to some sort of agreement on it that satisfies you.

Good luck.

[Sea]

Originally Posted by Deep Thought

There have been many times in the past when he has hit and kicked me (hard enough to leave marks and bruises), sworn at, and verbally abused me.

If you read that back Deep Thought I think you will realise that it is actually a pretty shocking statement and totally unacceptable behaviour by your dad. You have every right to be angry at your dad, and your psychiatrist is probably obliged to follow this up in some way even if its just through further counselling with you. I agree with the previous posters, and whether she takes action or not is probably going to depend on your age right now. In any case I can totally understand why you feel that it might make things worse for you (and your dad and possibly affect your relationship with the rest of your family too) if she does take action. But at the same time, if you are still vulnerable to these attacks from your dad then something should definitely done about it as no-one should have to cope with that

[LonelyG]

Originally Posted by Kitri

How old are you by the way, if you don't mind me asking?

Originally Posted by steve_2010

If you are still living at home within his grasp then that is a different matter, and if you are not over 18 then the psychiatrist may do it anyway.

I'm sixteen and still living at home with my family. My psychiatrist has told me that since I am under 18, she has a duty to report this sort of thing to a social worker, so I don't really have much choice in the matter. Again, my dad has been a lot more calm over the past year or so, and he hasn't hit me in about that long. It's not like I'm getting beat up every day.

I still cannot get my head around the fact that what he did is classified as abuse. Whenever he did hit or kick me, he always said that I was the one who needed to apologise because it was my fault. I did always think that he was wrong, and that he was at least equally to blame, but I thought that was just me being difficult.

Originally Posted by SeaW

In any case I can totally understand why you feel that it might make things worse for you (and your dad and possibly affect your relationship with the rest of your family too) if she does take action.

I do worry a great deal that my whole family (especially my dad) is going to end up hating me as a result of this. Family (especially my mum) is the main reason I never acted on suicidal thoughts when depressed. They are the people who make my life bearable. If social services do get in contact with my dad due to what I have told my psychiatrist, it will be hard for me to ever live it down. What will actually happen to my dad if they contact him? Please tell me it does not mean that he will be criminally charged with child abuse.

[Eeyore Eyes]

If you are of an age where you could leave home and support yourself I strongly suggest that you do this. Being around your dad for longer than is necessary is going to damage your self esteem even further than it already has.

Yes your fathers behaviour is very very serious ...... he is abusing you. End of story. Do not fall into the trap of making excuses for his behaviour because there is no excuse for it. He should respect you as a fellow human being but more importantly he should cherish you as his child. Our parents are there to protect us and we should not live in fear of them.

I can totally empathise with where your coming from. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive towards me as well as being highly over protective which in retrospect was used as a means of isolating and controlling me. But she is also very outgoing and the life and soul of the party, very affectionate and generous when she wanted to be ..... as long as everyone around her towed the party line. I now have very minimal contact with her and even though i am permenantly left with feeling like a second class citizen I am the happiest that I have ever been in my life.

Your in the right place deep thought for some sound advice!!! Keep posting!

[des]

Deep Thought - I had the same experience: my dad beating me for stupid things like dropping the plate: it didn't break, there was no food on it, yet I got verbally and physically abused. He did it since I can remember (staring around when I was 3 years old) and he continued that till I was 16.

The sad thing was that he always did it when no one was around, so he lied to my mum e.g. "She hit me first" or something (I am not an aggressive type: I don't even kick/throw/demolish things when I am angry).

I am not entirely sure why he stopped beating and abusing me: maybe it was for the fact I joined cadets at the time and he wasn't sure if I am taught martial arts or something. Maybe it***8217;s because he started picking on my younger sister. Maybe it's because now living in different country he is totally depended on my mum (she is a bread winner in the family) and me, because he didn't bother to learn the language. Perhaps it***8217;s all due to new circumstances: we all need each other advice and support. I don't know. I've learned to get on with him well now, but to be honest I can't wait to move out and live on my own (I'm 20 in Sept).

I guess it contributed to my SA and shyness, because I really can't think of anything else. 'Cos of his verbal abuse for a very long time I had very low opinion about myself, and was thinking of suicide when I was 8 yrs old. Also I've noticed that I am tensed and stressed if accompanied by males and generally don't like them on personal level: I am ok at work/school/shops etc., I just don't want to get them know more that I have to get on with things).


I don't know if my story helps you at all. Just don't give up and don't blame yourself.

[LonelyG]

Originally Posted by voodoochild

Though this is no excuse for the way he treated you, im just saying you cannot entirely blame your father, though im sure it has not helped your situation and if anything would have definately made it worse.

Although I believe that the way my dad has treated me has contributed partly to my low self-esteem and anxiety issues, I am not saying that he alone is to blame. I would say that school and the bullying I have endured there has definitely messed me up a whole lot more than he has. My SA and depression my also be hereditary, as many people on my dad's side of the family have suffered from bouts of extreme shyness in their teenage years, and my aunt suffered from bouts of depression.

Originally Posted by des

Also I've noticed that I am tensed and stressed if accompanied by males and generally don't like them on personal level: I am ok at work/school/shops etc., I just don't want to get them know more that I have to get on with things).

Now that you mention it, I am like this too. I find it even more difficult to make eye contact with men that with other females. Due to a mixture of my dad hitting me and the fact that about 95% of the people who have ever bullied me were male, I also feel more threatened by males.

I've been trying to find out the laws on hitting children in Scotland, but no website I've vistited has made it clear what is illegal and what is not. Is hitting children at all illegal, or is it only illegal when it leaves a mark?

I am really afraid of the consequences this could have for my dad. I've read that in some cases, parents can face jail for hitting their children. At this rate, I'm tempted to lie to my psychiatrist in order that nothing bad will happen to my dad.

[hardy]

in english law I heard this afternoon that its still legal to smack children but not anything that would leave a mark. but of course vebal abuse can be illegal.


heres a quote from Scottish law 2009

Since 2003 it has been against the law to
punish a child by:
***8226; shaking them;
***8226; hitting them on the head; or
***8226; using a belt, cane, slipper, wooden
spoon or other implement.
Smacking is not banned but any form of
physical punishment will be looked at,
taking into account:
***8226; the age of the child;
***8226; what was done to the child, for what
reason and in what circumstances;
***8226; the duration and frequency of the
punishment;
***8226; how it affected the child both physically
and mentally; and

***8226; other things such as the gender or health

[Mr_Bean]

this is difficult but what do you think the reaction your Dad would be if you told him when he's in a fun mood or whatever- that he sometimes goes over the top? Would he listen, or would it trigger him?

[Kitri]

Originally Posted by Deep Thought

Although I believe that the way my dad has treated me has contributed partly to my low self-esteem and anxiety issues, I am not saying that he alone is to blame.

I am really afraid of the consequences this could have for my dad. I've read that in some cases, parents can face jail for hitting their children. At this rate, I'm tempted to lie to my psychiatrist in order that nothing bad will happen to my dad.

Deep Thought I don't think the question is no longer only about who's responsible for your low self-esteem. Your dad has physically and verbally abused you. And now you're even trying to protect him which is actually something he should have done. Parents should protect their children from harm, not inflict it on them. I know you love your dad, but it's not okay what he did or does and something has to change. Abuse is often kind of 'hereditary' too. Because children who have been hit by their parents grow up believing that it is a normal thing to do and chances are high that they will hit their kids later too.

I don't think your dad is about to face jail though. There unfortunately are parents who beat their children up to almost death or death. But it is still wrong the way your dad treats you. I know you're scared now and worried even more. Perhaps your dad needs just a little wake-up call. I don't know, maybe he's been beaten up by his dad too and doesn't feel that it's a wrong thing to do. I don't know this, but I could imagine a social worker might come by your house and just talk to your parents first.

Talk to your therapist about this too. I mean about your worries and fears and that you feel bad having told her. After all she's there to help YOU. And she will know the answers to most of your questions, I'm pretty sure, whereas most of us probably just can guess and make assumptions. It is a GOOD thing you told her, even if it was only for you to realize that this is not the way a father-child relationship should be like.

Wishing you good luck and all the best.

[LonelyG]

Thank you for looking that up hardy. My dad has hit me hard enough to leave marks and bruises, and has verbally abused me before, but he hasn't done anything else on the list.

Originally Posted by GgT

this is difficult but what do you think the reaction your Dad would be if you told him when he's in a fun mood or whatever- that he sometimes goes over the top? Would he listen, or would it trigger him?

He would probably listen, but he'd probably just end up blaming me. I did kind of have a conversation with him and my mum about it, and he seemed as if he felt quite bad about it afterwards. I don't think he realised the extent to which his behaviour has had an effect on me before.

Originally Posted by Kitri

Abuse is often kind of 'hereditary' too. Because children who have been hit by their parents grow up believing that it is a normal thing to do and chances are high that they will hit their kids later too.

Yes, when we had a conversation about it, he told me that he was hit when he was younger.

Originally Posted by Kitri

I don't know this, but I could imagine a social worker might come by your house and just talk to your parents first.

I had another appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday which reassured me a little bit. She told me that she will have to get a social worker to talk to me, and possibly my parents, but this may not be necessary. If they do talk to my parents, my dad might not talk to me for a few days afterwards, but hopefully it will not damage our relationship in the long term.

Originally Posted by Kitri

Talk to your therapist about this too. I mean about your worries and fears and that you feel bad having told her. After all she's there to help YOU. And she will know the answers to most of your questions, I'm pretty sure, whereas most of us probably just can guess and make assumptions. It is a GOOD thing you told her, even if it was only for you to realize that this is not the way a father-child relationship should be like.

Thanks for the advice, Kitri.