Do you ever doubt your thoughts and feelings

[Amara 94]

I just spotted myself doing it.

I am not sure if it’s a good or bad thing. Currently I feel lost as I have taken a break from uni and am working part time 16 hours so feel ashamed as it likes like I am unemployed.

I have thoughts of being a loser but I think pay off me doesn’t believe it. Maybe this is a defence mechanism to deal with the situation. In real life I obvious l only have one friend that I speak to almost daily on WhatsApp.I haven’t had more friends for years where we can speak on the same level like this one friend. When I have had friends/acquaintances, as of the last few years, it’s more like they infantilise me, am unequal relationship. With extended family I have met in WhatsApp with some they seem really inauthentic, as in saying one thing but meaning or thinking something else. Or they express a one sided view to success, as in expecting me to marry and have kids, me studying being a good thing. They are in Nigeria so the culture differs.


I think if I was to really acknowledge my situation, not wish washy imagine everything would get better, I don’t know what would happen. I already think I’m really anxious, maybe depressed. I think the thought everything will be alright is keeping me sane. But it also makes me wonder if it’s just a way to try and feel special or something. Do I really feel as bad.


I’m thinking that maybe I think that I should feel worse or be worse.

It’s confusing. Right now I am feeling like I shouldn’t feel okay but I am whilst writing this???

[biscuits]

Those feelings are understandable when you're going through some changes or if things haven't got as you had hoped they would. It's good that you recognised that you needed a break from uni. It's important to slow things down when we need to.

When I feel that way I try to organise my thoughts. Maybe thinking why you've taken a break and acknowledging that it's an intentionally positive thing to do rather than burning yourself out. Then thinking about what you hope to do next. Do you plan on going back to uni? If so, it would be worth thinking about why you needed to take a break and how you can put things into place to make things more manageable when you go back and perhaps your uni can support with that as well from a MH or Autism perspective. It would be worth arranging a meeting - if you feel up to it, of course. For example, they might let you do a phased return or extend deadlines etc.

I've experienced those conflicting and spinning feelings from taking a break, but looking back I'm glad I did it and I'm also glad that I went back when I was ready and glad that I put things into place to make it more bearable.

[horseblanket]

It'll depend on what thoughts and feelings you are doubting, for example doubting a thought saying "I'm a scumturd" would be a good thought to be doubting, but doubting a thought like "I'm a good person who deserves to treat himself/herself gently" (sorry I don't know your gender), doubting that sort of thought would be a bad thing to do, idk if i'm making sense with this

[Clumsy*]

Having conflicting feelings and thoughts is a normal part of being human, but it's even more understandable with what you're going through.

It sounds like you're feeling vulnerable and hopeful at the same time, and that you're fighting against negative thoughts, and definitely, definitely I hope you will hold on to the positive and kind-to-yourself thoughts.

Time at Uni was a very dark time for me, and I think it was the case for many of us, due to our difficulties with social communication, self-image and self-esteem (and insert many other conditions here). So it is very tough and you are doing your best.

In my time, I also had to take long breaks due to depression and it was my first time having to consult a psychiatrist. I avoided oral exams and went to the resits because they were written. In the end, it took me double the time to complete my degree.

I think it's a fact of life that it will be challenging for neurodivergent people to do well in social settings. We need support. Biscuits' advice is very sensible and the right and practical thing to do, so I hope you can look at what is available to support you when you go back (if it's your wish to go back).
But you are not a loser. You have my respect and admiration for always trying to get better