My social skills are getting worse as I get older

[Sunrise]

I feel like my social skills are getting worse the older I get. I'm definitely a lot less "likeable" than I was when I was younger and I get a lot more negative reactions.

I wonder if this is actually common for a lot of people? Social opportunities tend to decrease as you age and you're less likely to be up to date with popular culture. A lot of people get more bitter and cynical as they age and that definitely applies to me.

I've noticed that most advice for building social skills tends to be aimed at people in there twenties. The sort of activities recommended tend to be things very young people do. A sad middle aged man like me attempting to strike up a conversation with a group of strangers in a bar just isn't going to work.

Although I'm not sure I'm really concerned with learning social skills, I'm more worried that I seem to be losing what I already have. I'm a lot worse at dealing with people now than I was a few years ago.

I felt a lot more connected with my peers when I was younger whereas now I feel like a total outsider. I was quiet, but I was still "one of them". Now I'm just a creepy old bloke.

[Hopeforme]

Sunrise, was there a moment or time that you thought that things changed for you?

You still seem pretty dialled into popular culture though. Unless I have that wrong.

Yes I think that advice is marketed to people in their 20s. I would love there to be a resource or school for people in their 30s with big social problems.

I felt connected to people, my school and university friends, alot more when I was younger too, although I look back and see that I was never my real, authentic self. I don't think I've ever discovered that and been allowed to in the family that I grew up in. Everything was very strict, orderered and authoritarian. In my case I need to tackle my anxiety as well as learning social skills.

Can you start by making friends with people just to feel a bit more connected? I would be happy to connect with you in some kind of way but that's completely up to you. Do you work? Are there people to chat to there?

[Sunrise]

I can't make friends locally because of my bad reputation. My social skills decreased rapidly in my early 30's after a few bad experiences, and then covid came along which seemed to be the final nail in the coffin.

I earned a reputation as an oddball which I grew into and took on as my identity. I never used to feel like that in my 20's. I worry about being attacked in the street some days now so I try and hide away as much as possible. This is all because of the negative experiences I've had when trying to be social.

I'd like to get back to being able to function on a basic level. If I could go to work and be on amicable terms with colleagues I think that would be a win. I don't expect to make friends but I would like to be on better terms with the people I do have to interact with. I'm a laughing stock in my place of work and find every day a humiliating experience that is hammering my self esteem.

[Merry]

Mine are definitely much, much worse.
I think there's a lot in what you say. People are more forgiving in younger people if you're socially awkward. As you get older people not only expect you not to be socially awkward but just expect you to have matured, have a lot of life experience and capabilities and have authority.
As I've got older my peers don't give me the time of day because I didn't develop any of those things. No one my age is interested in chatting about benign things like TV or music, they all have money for a start, and a lifetime of making decisions behind them and just want to talk to other capable adults that they relate to, not an old woman-child, with no real opinions or life.

[biscuits]

^ you're a lovey conversationalist with a wide range of topics. I find that people usually want to talk about their children, and I can't really contribute.

"Yeah, my cat did something similar!"

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Mine have improved but that's relatively speaking as I used to be selectively mute. I still find it hard to talk in bigger groups but I'm okay with that and others don't seem to mind.

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@Sunrise, it's not a complete substitute but do you talk to people online like the discord groups from here? It might help build confidence with chatting even though it's online. What I mean is that it might help with practising conversational skills and having positive interactions to counter some of those you experience in your daily life. My head is banging so sorry if this is not coherent!

[Sunrise]

Originally Posted by biscuits

@Sunrise, it's not a complete substitute but do you talk to people online like the discord groups from here? It might help build confidence with chatting even though it's online. What I mean is that it might help with practising conversational skills and having positive interactions to counter some of those you experience in your daily life. My head is banging so sorry if this is not coherent!

No, I don't speak to anyone online. This forum is the only place I use and I only talk about self-centred personal SA stuff. I have a Facebook account that I don't really use but that's as far as my online presence goes.

Socialising online terrifies me just as much as in person if not more so. People are a lot nastier and crueler online when it's anonymous. Not this forum obviously, you're all lovely, but I feel like I would be absolutely slaughtered if I tried to interact with people online anywhere else.

[Mr. Nobody]

Mine have got better over the years, but only really since coming here and going to meets etc. I think that was definitely the catalyst,

I think a lot of us can be unnecessarily harsh on ourselves and ironically it can be that very negative self-appraisal that can push us backwards.

A lot of getting better is about giving yourself a break and just seeing that you are a normal human being, no better or worse than anyone else,

Once that self-sabotage mindset is gone you can start enjoying a bit more social interaction.

Self-sabotage and negative self-appraisal serves no purpose whatsoever.
It's just a pointless waste of energy really at the end of the day.

[Sunrise]

I think negative self-appraisal is a very good thing in certain situations that you might struggle with. It's good to know where you're going wrong and identifying what you need to work on.

I've heard it said before that people with SA are there own worst critic, but I couldn't disagree more. If other people are also consistently critical of you, then maybe you actually are going wrong somewhere. It's important to take on board other people's criticisms because it let's you know where you're going wrong and where you need to improve.

I think there's a good chance I'm actually a lot worse socially than I realise, and if anything I'm probably not being harsh enough on myself. I might not be a terrible human being, but I am terrible when it comes to interacting with others. I am worse than most people when it comes to being social.

I am atrociously bad. I can't emphasise that enough. There are people with very serious conditions that are better at being social than me. That's not irrational thinking, it's a fact. The evidence is indisputable.

[Merry]

Originally Posted by biscuits

^ you're a lovey conversationalist with a wide range of topics. I find that people usually want to talk about their children, and I can't really contribute.

"Yeah, my cat did something similar!"

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I think that is perfectly valid!
I have children and dogs and talk about them on a pretty equal footing. Although I talk less about them and more to them. Most of my communication is songs I make up and sing to my dogs. I don't even think they like it.

[gregarious_introvert]

Mine are definitely improving, but that's because I was almost completely isolated for the first five decades of my life, so didn't actually develop any social skills. Now, it's still a learning experience, but as with any education, the longer you study, the more adept you become (well, that's the theory anyway).

I believe that the importance of our early years can never be underestimated: interactions as toddlers and young children are how we learn to communicate and for those of us who didn't have that, it seems that knowing how to be social is innate and natural for everyone else, whereas it is learned, like everything else in life - we even have to learn to breathe! Social skills can be learned later in life, but it is (for me, anyway) so much harder - and I realise that (in my case) I am never going to be at the same level as others, because 50+ years' head start is just too much to catch up completely.

Like any other skill, there is also the "use it or lose it" factor: I am aware that there are some among us who didn't develop social anxiety disorder until later in life (teenage years seem common, later than that for some) and then the relative isolation can diminish the skills we had previously. Depending on how long we are "out of the loop", it is possible to redevelop those skills, however the added complication of the anxiety then means that we may withdraw whilst attempting to do so (as we are aware that we're not communicating as effectively as we'd like, therefore avoid communicating - and that's without amplifying the issues in our own minds!).

My own social skills were non-existent before I joined this forum, but the meets (when meets used to happen) were the beginning, then being active in meetup (where I began by alienating a lot of people until I began understanding how to communicate - which is not just my own outward communication, but reading other people - until, gradually, I was able to be tolerated more widely). In the first two months of this year (because of an injury), I became more isolated again and already I am aware that I am not as socially adept (which wasn't very!) as I was, although in the past week, I have had the pleasure of meeting two fellow members of this forum, who have helped me to get back to where I was. There is, really, no substitute for practice and for recognising that there is always room for improvement and trying (being the operative word) to learn along the way.

[Mr. Nobody]

^

Yip, I'd say that really engaging with the meets section on here has been a game changer for quite a few people.

[biscuits]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

No, I don't speak to anyone online. This forum is the only place I use and I only talk about self-centred personal SA stuff. I have a Facebook account that I don't really use but that's as far as my online presence goes.

Socialising online terrifies me just as much as in person if not more so. People are a lot nastier and crueler online when it's anonymous. Not this forum obviously, you're all lovely, but I feel like I would be absolutely slaughtered if I tried to interact with people online anywhere else.

How about trying the discord chats that are linked to the forum as it's the people from sauk. You could maybe see what it's like, and if you feel like it's not for you then that's okay.

[Sunrise]

I really don't think that's going to work tbh. I've got too much of a bad reputation on here and I've been far too honest about my issues. I think people on here would be understandably wary about wanting to speak to someone with my "problematic beliefs".

[Merry]

I don't think you have a bad reputation on here. I've only ever seen people write kind, supportive things in response to your posts. I've never seen anyone seem intolerant of your honesty.

[Hopeforme]

tbh Sunrise, at first I wasn't sure if you were creating posts that were just a bit "testing" or provocative to get a response or something like that from people on the forum. but then I read more of waht you wrote and saw more threads and understood that you are a person, somewhere in the UK, who is having a really, really hard time and is dealing with stuff that is very challenging and legit. I actually relate to alot of what you write and I think its cool how honest you can be on here. I use it as a tool to elp me post when my fear of judgment is overwhelming on here. I don't judge you as a bad person or anything remotely like that.

[biscuits]

Just to echo what others have said - you don't come across as problematic in your posts at all. I'd say if you do!

(if you're not up for the discord then that's cool as well!)

[Sunrise]

Everything I write here is my real thoughts no matter how stupid some of it might seem. Sometimes I think I'm trying desperately hard to prove what a horrible person I am, but it's all what I actually think. I'm not a troll, it's all what I genuinely think. In the past I've posted pictures of me, mentioned where I live, and I think I've told some people my real first name. Believe it or not I am a real person, I don't think AI is capable of being as self-pitying as I am yet.

I'm not having a "hard time" as such, I'm just one of life's losers. There are plenty of people out there going through much, much worse than anything I experience. I'm just an annoying oddball at the end of the day.

[Chess&Junkfood]

This is what the forum is here for, Sunrise. That and to dance with the members of course! I still find it difficult to share my feelings on the forum. Which is why I've been journaling for a while. Where hopefully it will help to give me a better perspective. That's the plan anyway. And for what it's worth, I think you come across as great on the forum! Oh and let me know if you want a dance sometime! I'm thinking salsa!

[Hopeforme]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

Everything I write here is my real thoughts no matter how stupid some of it might seem. Sometimes I think I'm trying desperately hard to prove what a horrible person I am, but it's all what I actually think. I'm not a troll, it's all what I genuinely think. In the past I've posted pictures of me, mentioned where I live, and I think I've told some people my real first name. Believe it or not I am a real person, I don't think AI is capable of being as self-pitying as I am yet.

I'm not having a "hard time" as such, I'm just one of life's losers. There are plenty of people out there going through much, much worse than anything I experience. I'm just an annoying oddball at the end of the day.

I know its your real thoughts. Tbh, your points have genuinely made me think about some things and question things in an interesting way. I totally relate to feeling and identifying as a loser but it's a damaging self-belief and people have said to me no you are not. I just have a vey hard time letting go of that because of where I am at in my life. Anyway, I don't see you as a horrible person. If you go out of your way and harm people then maybe I would see you as horrible, but it sounds if anything like people are being nasty towards you rather than the other way around?

[choirgirl]

My social battery runs out really fast nowadays, but I'm not sure my skills are worse, I just can't keep,them up as long. Once upon a time my social life was one of my top priorities.