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  #1  
Old 6th May 2020, 01:41
Wolfy15 Wolfy15 is offline
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Default How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

How badly as your SA effected your life
And how bad would you say it is on a scale of 1-100
Please would you include your age
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  #2  
Old 6th May 2020, 08:59
Hackpen Hackpen is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm 53, some aspects of my sa have improved and some are worse but that's probably because I'm able to do more so I'm pushing my boundaries more
I still find certain situations really difficult but if I look at it all in context id say I'm at a manageable 35/100

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  #3  
Old 6th May 2020, 10:03
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm 58 now and it's impossible to say how badly social anxiety has affected my life, not just because it can't really be separated from other issues, like autism, depression and agoraphobia, but also because, although it affected every aspect of my life, I'm unable to say whether it did so badly.

Over the years, I learned to adapt and live in a different way to accommodate my issues and I have no way of knowing how my life might have been otherwise; the one thing we know about life is that it never goes to plan, so if I had attempted the life I would have chosen - career, relationship, friends etc. - it's possible that other issues may have come into play and the "chosen" life may have been no better than the one I actually had. What I do know is that I wasn't able to form, develop and maintain friendships or build a career / keep a job and suffered greatly from loneliness, but whether that might have been different under other circumstances, I shall never know.

What is important is that, right now, I am in a very good place (mentally, not geographically) and living something close to a life I would choose for myself; it's hard for me to say whether my anxiety is greater than what others might consider normal but I would consider it to be well below disorderly levels - there are still some things which I find difficult or near-impossible but I think that has more to do with not having practiced these things when younger than the level of anxiety which I'm experiencing now. If I have to quantify my anxiety, then I would say probably 15-20/100.
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  #4  
Old 6th May 2020, 10:49
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm 43. In my teens and early 20s I'd say it was as bad as it gets. On a scale of one to 10? Well, we are talking 8 or 9. It's hard to imagine it being worse, other than me turning into a mute or an agoraphobe. Had it been worse I'd probably be institutionalized. I lived in constant fear and shame from puberty to my early 30s, with zero social skills and a terror of all social interaction. At my sixth form, I would hide in the toilets, take the long route home, that sort of thing. And, of course, I had no social life.

Looking back, there was clearly more going on than SA. I probably had an avoidant personality disorder by late childhood. I have looked into this and it makes a lot of sense. Now, I would diagnose teenage me as suffering from "a shame-based avoidant personality disorder." Why and how this developed I don't know. My father certainly ticked the same boxes, so I may have inherited it from him (I am sure the genetic blueprint was there). Plus, of course, he had a big impact on me. He was a damaged, needy, manipulative man, who filled me with fear and loathing (so I would never leave him). He was also socially awkward, clingy, avoidant, intense and paranoid. My parents suffocated me, and the family home was way too stifling; I had absolutely no space. It was like an air-tight box, with a bright light shining on me 24/7. No one came in, and my parents never went out. Again, this was part of my father's manipulation (you can never leave - we have no one else).

By my teens I was so frightened, so filled with shame, that my only hope was a fresh start. But the fear and social discomfort was too much. Avoiders are often dependent, and so, though I needed to get away from my dysfunctional family, I couldn't.

If some trauma had occurred in childhood, on top of everything else (violent bullying, sexual abuse, parents killed in a car crash, etc) I would probably be a drug addict by now - or dead.

Today, I would put my SA at around 6. There is no question that it's improved with age. Still, those improvements have come too late. For me, now, It's a question of damage limitation, of picking through the rubble.
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  #5  
Old 6th May 2020, 11:44
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

^ roro, reading what you have written above, it strikes me that we have had some very similar experiences - apart from the fact that I didn't start travelling until I was in my 50s (although I am making up for lost time, or at least was until lockdown happened); instead of travelling, I spent a lot of time at music festivals and gigs, but did that alone without talking to anyone, just as you did with travelling.

I was absent for half of my university course (2nd and 3rd years), stopped attending lectures after a month of my first year because I couldn't handle being around that many people and missed my fourth year (when I was actually living on campus) with agoraphobia, literally locked in a room and unable to leave because others lived on the same floor. Like you, I somehow managed to scrape a 2:1.

One of the reasons I didn't travel until I was in my 50s was that air travel in my youth was prohibitively expensive - a return flight to Spain then cost around the same as a return to Bangkok now and on a salary of £8000 per annum, these things just weren't possible - rent and household bills took a massive chunk of my money before I could even consider how to spend the rest. I think that you're doing well managing to earn £18k from your laptop, but if you are so severely affected by your issues, I am wondering why you don't claim PIP too - it could pretty much double your income (PIP isn't means tested or taxable and can be claimed whilst working, so any award would be in addition to what you earn now)?

I've not had good experiences with CBT either, although I would never have been able to attend group therapy. I do think that you believe socialising is easier for others than it is in reality, it takes practice and hard work for everyone, just as it did for me when I first started learning how to do it at the age of 53; I accept that most people get a head start by learning to socialise in their school days - something which was impossible for me because of the constant bullying, plus back in the 1960s/70s nobody was aware that it was autism which was the root of my issues - but it can be learned later in life. If people make it look effortless, it's because they have learned how to do it, not necessarily because it's an innate skill which is common to everybody.

I think sometimes what limits us is not the issues we have, but the perspective which they give us; of course, they can cause lack of confidence and self-esteem and also the belief that nobody else in the world has anything to overcome, plus those of us who suffer with depression find it almost impossible to see anything in a positive way when we're viewing the world as if sleepwalking through fog. The reality is that some of the most outgoing people I have met suffer terribly with social anxiety but find a way not to let it limit them; it really is impossible to know what's happening inside a person's head just by observing how they act.

You're half my age right now, roro, and you have achieved so much more than I had at your age - I don't believe that you are "ruined", I believe that you have established building blocks from which, if you're able to see things in a more positive way, will lead you towards the life you want.
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  #6  
Old 6th May 2020, 12:46
Wolfy15 Wolfy15 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Thanks everybody for your replys, social anxiety is very destructive to everyone's life, today I would say the way it hinders me is 40/100 Im about 55% better than I was in my early late teens/ early 20s when I was on longterm benefits and coped by drinking, I became an alcoholic, and everything bad that comes with that happened hospitalizations, detoxes visit to alcohol liaison teams

In my mid to late 30s I got back into working and have worked at 7 places over the last 15 years, at the moment I'm in the best job I've had, that of kitchen porter, best Ive had because of the friendly people I work with, which is a game changer when it comes to being happy in your work
Relationships next to non, friends at work yes, but my experience with people in the past, who where supposed to be my best friends where far from it, and not friends attal, so today I prefer to keep my own company
I get more things done to my flat, save my money and its the best life I've had upto yet
It is hard to say if anyone's life would turn out better if they hadn't had SA, but then again it does take away our control, and when that happens it harder to carve out the life you would want for yourself, a lot harder
Especially if there's added problems which without a doubt most of us have had
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  #7  
Old 6th May 2020, 12:50
Tom1985 Tom1985 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm 34 years old, as well as SA I've suffered with depression since my early twenties, which was diagnosed as bipolar late last year. It's really difficult to define what effect SA alone has had on my life, as it's mixed together with depression so all blends together in a toxic brew.

I dropped out of university when I was 18 after a couple of months due to finding it all too much to cope with, the living away, the constant environment of non stop socialising, feeling inferior and unable to operate. This was before I was even aware of social anxiety as a condition.

I have in the period between then and now had hardly any stability in my life whatsoever, worked so many different jobs on temporary contracts, not been able to form any great friendships through work, lost touch with school friends, so never had a group of friends that have been a constant in my life.

Had a relationship for 5 years or so which I look back on with rose tinted spectacles and think oh how I shouldnt have let that fall apart.

For me it's the avoidance that's the crux of my problem. I just get on with my life with my head down in solo mode and don't really put myself in situations and environments where I could develop friendships and relationships.

Ideally at the age i'm at I would have finished university in my early twenties, found a decent job, made good friends in the workplace, found a partner, bought a house and started my own family.

I've never known what I want to do in life as a career so have spent over ten years in and out of different jobs, starting courses and dropping out. never finding my feet at all.

Because life really took a downward turn at the age of 18/19 which was definitely due on the most part to social anxiety I could say at that point it was the ruin of me so almost 100/100. These days it doesnt really affect me as I just go about my business and don't put myself in situations that are anxiety inducing. As a result I live a very isolated life with little social interaction.
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  #8  
Old 6th May 2020, 14:40
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfy15
It is hard to say if anyone's life would turn out better if they hadn't had SA, but then again it does take away our control, and when that happens it harder to carve out the life you would want for yourself, a lot harder
Especially if there's added problems which without a doubt most of us have had
You are quite right about the lack of control. I remember looking at a boy in my street and thinking "it's alright for you - you will leave home, go away to university and live a normal life. I'm ****ed." I was young at the time, yet even then I just knew, without being able to put it into words, that something was wrong. SA robs you. It leaves you on the margins, watching other people go through the normal highs and lows while you make the best of things. It makes life so hard because pretty much everything, from sex and love to career and travel, involves other people. If dealing with them is an issue for you, then life is an issue.

Would I have been happy without SA (and a wider personality disorder)? I would almost certainly have had more happiness, and would probably have lived a more fulfilling life. But there are no guarantees. No doubt my adolescence and twenties would have been better. My 30s and 40s, however, could have been worse: I might have had children with the wrong person and become trapped in a miserable, loveless marriage. Or my child might have been born severely disabled, or died in an accident, etc. I might be caught in a career I hate to pay the mortgage on a three bed house for children I didn't want, or come home to find my wife had left me, and so on.
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  #9  
Old 6th May 2020, 16:05
Wolfy15 Wolfy15 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I've noticed one thing in everyone's replys and something that all of us have to give in too a greater or lesser degree, and make compromises to cope with our
SA and the fact that in some respects, SA as kept us out of some situations, that for some people become a nightmare, eg a loveless relationship, a crippling mortgage to pay and the stress of trying to find a job you can do to pay it

When I think of this, I take comfort in my single existence, I would love to meet the easy lover, with the great family, but what are the chances, and would I end up wishing I had my freedom again
The sex part of a relationship I get from escorts, whenever I feel like it? No hassle involved just a financial transaction

One other thing I've noticed is that people or very down on themselve

We or governed and bossed about by something that as kept the human species from extinction for thousands of years, it's powerful!

If we can't stop the fight or flight from being triggered, the hormones realised into our bloodstream, make it near impossible to stay calm, self conciusness is probably also part of the fight or flight proses, making us freeze up, like a dear seeing a wolf out of the corner of its eye, its needs too take stock of its movements so it isn't seen

In my 52 years I've don't most thing to try and conqour my SA, but when I failed the self put downs, and sinking of my self esteem were bad, too the point of tears
The things I was doing where the wrong things, they didn't cure my air trigger fight or flight mechenism
Why should we feel down its still not our faults
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  #10  
Old 6th May 2020, 16:05
Tom1985 Tom1985 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Do you mean stuck as in you're staying together despite it not working or you have split but have to maintain some sort of relationship for the childs needs?
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  #11  
Old 6th May 2020, 16:56
LittleMissMouse LittleMissMouse is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I've just turned 40 and I'd probably rank my SA at about 40/100 because although it's there I'm quite good at pushing through things. I spent most of uni wanting to drop out, and mostly sat on my own in lectures, the number of times I went to the union on a Friday night you could count on one hand and dreaded having to find a lab partner in practicals but did manage to just about survive. I do the same thing at work, I've had to do presentations etc, but I just push through it because I have to.

I basically now do everything on my own and can do a very good impression of someone who is just very independent but deep down I am desperately lonely and would love to have friends to call on for a beer or a coffee and would love to have someone to go on holiday with as I don't know why but the folks that I work with seem to regard going on holiday on your own as the hallmark of the ultimate loser.

I also think the whole low self-esteem thing is maybe a bigger contributor to my overall failure in life than SA. I look at clothes and think "I couldn't wear that, it's too cool and not beige enough to blend into the background" and I've had a total of three long-term relationships, two of which basically involved me being an emotional punch bag, but I put up with it because I think I was just grateful that anyone would even look at me twice, hence my current situation of pretty much being an apprentice crazy old cat lady, only I can't even do that properly because I don't even have a cat.
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Old 6th May 2020, 17:47
Mr Brightside Mr Brightside is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Recently turned 40 and now rate my SA as 50/100. I am happy talking in small groups at work but large group and public speaking is my major weakness. I have done presentations at work and even at a conference two years ago but they were far from comfortable experiences and I struggle with being natural in that setting. Fortunately my role does not require me to do presentations very often .

I was very self conscious as a teenager and in my early 20s and thought people were looking at me and judging me all the time. But dare I say it I have grown out of having those feelings but I think the CBT and medication during those years helped as well. I live a relatively happy and successful life these days conscious of my own strengths and weaknesses.
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Old 7th May 2020, 20:56
Gosties Gosties is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I can relate to most of the posters on here.
I would say it's 45-50 now but between the ages of 20-30 was probably 85+.
I probably meet most of the criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I'm 46.

Barely got through Primary and Secondary School but managed to attain good enough grades to go to my local university.
I had no issue with the coursework but my social anxiety affected my ability to go to seminars and lectures and in the end I decided to leave after eighteen months.

I also felt I could not relate to the other students but looking back evidently I never had many issues and they were all good bunch.
My experiences at primary and secondary school colored my views and expectations and I was extremely reticent to get socially involved with any of my fellow students despite being asked plenty of times.

From that point I more or less avoided going to any social gatherings for just over a decade or more. I'm better now but I'm still extremely guarded when I'm in unfamiliar settings. You sort of figure out coping mechanisms as you go on.

I'm not working in the sort of field or type of employment that I wanted to originally do.

I work with a good bunch of people but although I'm much better than many years ago. Their is still a reticence to get socially involved.
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Old 8th May 2020, 10:20
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Quote:
Originally Posted by roro_1990
Oh well, it's been revealing to read in this thread that aside from social anxiety, and perhaps even more so than social anxiety, the thing many people fear on here (ending up stuck in a loveless relationship) is how my life has turned out.

It seems I'm a special case of cluster**** and my recent suicidal thoughts are much warranted.
Don't feel too bad. You're doing a good thing by sticking with your mrs for the sake of your kid.

You're providing for them, you're being in her life, and that's what matters.

In less than 18 years old your child will be independent and you can then split up if you want. I know that might seem like a long time, but its just a fraction of your life.

Hang in there and do your time in the best way that you can!
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Old 8th May 2020, 11:54
Wolfy15 Wolfy15 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

My life now is spent on my own in my flat, I do work as a kitchen porter, I don't go out to make friends, but by chance I've made some good friends at work, there actually better friends than so called best friends, which I ditched years ago, i sooner have my own space because a lot of people or either spongers, or argent nut jobs who want to pull you down, thats some of my family included,who I ditched a long time ago, the depression, and misery these people cause, made me give up on mixing a long time ago
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Old 8th May 2020, 16:38
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roro_1990
Yes, I met her on my travels and I ended up living in her country for 6-9 months each year to maintain the relationship (which was possible because I work online).

She's a nice person and everything but I knew deep down it wasn't working after around two-and-a-half years together due to various cultural and personality incompatibilities. But I avoided ending it because avoiding things like conflict is what I specialize in.

Oh well, it's been revealing to read in this thread that aside from social anxiety, and perhaps even more so than social anxiety, the thing many people fear on here (ending up stuck in a loveless relationship) is how my life has turned out.

It seems I'm a special case of cluster**** and my recent suicidal thoughts are much warranted.
Did you post before that your partner is going to be looking for work where you live now? If she is able to do that and establish more of a life maybe she would be less likely to go back to her home country with your child, if you were to break up. She might also feel that opportunities for your daughter could be better where you are now and still want her to grow up there (I guess that would be something you might have already talked about.)



You might be one of the only people posting right now who is in a relationship that they're not happy in, but there have definitely been many people posting here before who were dealing with the same thing!

I can see how you feel really trapped right now, but as your daughter grows older things will change and as you say she is the day of sunshine in your life.
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Old 9th May 2020, 08:17
Marco Marco is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

It’s a difficult question to answer. At 56 my social anxiety is not as ‘broad-ranging’ as it used to be in my teens and twenties, but there was also more expectation, excitement and hope when I was younger. In my case the hope was that my social fears would naturally just disappear and all would turn out OK; it would be a passive process of maturing. Of course it didn’t quite work out like that for me, but as I have got older and greyer I am less intimidated by people on the whole. However, there are situations, such as when I’m among a group of confident and articulate colleagues, that I can be struck dumb with nerves. I don’t think social anxiety ever entirely leaves you if it’s been more or less a lifelong problem, but it can lessen its grip. That said, there are times when I feel as anxious as I ever did. Social anxiety is just part of who I am and I’ve learnt to accept that more instead of being crippled by the shame of having what I perceived to be an emasculating weakness. On a scale of 1 to 100, right now about 45-50……usually.
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Old 9th May 2020, 12:39
mj187 mj187 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm 37 & would put my SA at 50/100 but depending on the situation can rise to say 70.
Most of the time i'm pretty much okay, but it's when I'm put on the spot it flares up.
Example would be team meetings at work, using the telephone to talk to people (worse if in front of people), receiving calls, interviews, asking for help at work. Generally talking to people I find difficult, small talk is definitely hard doing (except talking to family or close friends). Parties or gatherings is another one, I try to go to things like work Christmas do's but it's not easy as I find talking hard. My mind is going a million miles ph but I can't express it verbally. I think that part of me is broken.
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Old 11th May 2020, 04:09
mossieman mossieman is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm 55 and my sa is variable from 85 to 100, i have to class it that high these days as i am agoraphobic.
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Old 12th May 2020, 20:23
Kipper Kipper is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Mine is definitely going through the roof. Living on my own probably doesn't help. I had to do a video link communication with family members today that I don't see very often. Am I the only one who finds these things to be a great trial? I think it's the fact that you have to see yourself when you're talking and know that that is what others see! Red face, sunken eyes, tense facial muscles, vein standing up in middle of forehead...aaggh! OK rant over. Sorry folks.
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Old 12th May 2020, 20:25
Kipper Kipper is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

I'm early 60s, by the way.
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  #22  
Old 18th May 2020, 17:37
Wolfy15 Wolfy15 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Hi Marco.. Your expectations of the condition going on its own, or with some types of therapy was the exact same as mine, and it wasn't long before I realised it a life long condition, living with it and not being ashame of it, or feeling weaker than others is a great attitude which should be practiced by everyone who as SA, also the fact that people are actually stronger just by living with it, why'll those who don't or not burdened by it
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  #23  
Old 19th May 2020, 16:21
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

At it's worst, my SA is probably around 82/100 but that's at the worst most uncomfortable situations,

Daily mean is around 29/100 peaking to about 36/100

In the mornings it usually reaches around 58.9/100 ish

Sometimes it can be around 64/100 in some heightened social occasions,

I hope someone is taking notes and compiling a graph or pie chart about all this.
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  #24  
Old 19th May 2020, 16:52
Wolfy15 Wolfy15 is offline
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Default Re: How Old Or You And How Bad Is Your SA on A Scale Of 1-100

Lol.. Mr Somebody your ability to gauge your anxiety levels or second to non... You need a grath!.. Anxiety level due to SA does fluctuate usually upward when a situation changes for the worst
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