University Isolated from hallmates

[Dylan28]

So I started university about 4 weeks ago now and I am currently in a position that I was absolutely dreading happening but it happened... basically the problem is that I feel disconnected from the rest of my flat mates and its ****ing debilitating, when I first started university and met my flat mates I was nervous as hell and not being my self around them at all I just physically and mentally couldn't do it and found my self not saying much to them at all, 3-4 days ahead and I still feel the exact same way around them but this time the rest of the flat mates are all talking to each other now (all my flat mates are boys to) and they look so comfortable around each other and are laughing, joking being silly like the typical student would be doing right?. I also know exactly why I am in this situation as well and I hate my self for these actions.

Firstly I missed freshers I was petrified of going to flat parties, big clubs nights, even just going out at night around large groups of people gave me so much anxiety, my mentality has been like this for awhile where I just think I'm not "good enough" "cool enough" "not good looking" "to boring", just a lot of insecurities and negative thoughts held me back from doing these types of stuff. so what does this mean? it means that the rest of my flat mates went out and had a good time whilst I was stressing at the fact that I'm not engaging with them all whilst being fully aware of what was happening during that time...

so now I'm in a situation were every time I'm around any of my flat mates the only words that can successfully comes out my mouth is "hey or alright" and maybe some small small talk, anything else is just forced and strained out it almost feels like I have a zip on my mouth and i'm literally being suffocated by thoughts that don't allow me to say anything. my flat mates never even engage with me when I'm in the kitchen all together and I understand why too, because its my fault I never had the courage to talk properly to them or show them what I'm like, they only see this front side of me which is..a Shy, boring, timmid person, because I haven't done anything yet, to show that i'm any sort of an interesting person to be around. somtimes I cant even find the courage to go in the kitchen esspecially when they are all in there already or have guests around.

its just so horrible, I can hardly even enter the kitchen sometimes because its just so nerve racking and horrible actually being in the same room as them, for example today I was in there for 20 minutes cooking some food alone then 5 minutes into cooking, all of them (5 of them) walk in yelling and laughing about random shit, whilst I am stood there over the hob trying to just cook a ****ing burger feeling so uncomfortable and out of place and almost physically frozen in place not being able to say a word or even make eye contact with them or turn around... the worst part about all of this to is that I am fully aware of what i'm doing and just feel like I am being degraded by the second. I wont lie to you and say that I avoid them completely, no I don't I do try my best to be around them to an extent and make my food and sit in there whilst they are in there, but again like I said whenever I'm around them i'm just wearing this lying mask that is hiding who I really am. sometimes I even pretend that I am on my phone whilst sat at the table to kind of show them that maybe hes socialising on social media and that hes not a complete loser but in reality I'm just on my phone to avoid awkwardness and that uncomfortable feeling of sitting in a room with them all whilst not saying a word.

Please don't give me advice to like "oh just go speak to them" "try ask them out or something" "be yourself" that don't help im sorry if I did that it would just be so random and unnatural and so uncomfortable for me to try, its been 4 weeks and I haven't even had a full on conversation with them. I feel like the only way I am gonna get past this situation is to literally tell them that I have social anxiety and that its the reason why I might seem so quite and anxious and that this isn't my real personality, its something I have thought about working my way up to doing as it could benefit me a lot, but yea thats gonna take some courage to just do would you advise me to try and do this? I genuinely want to do it if things just don't change, but I gotta find out how I'm gonna approach this first.

just a quick addition to all of this to, I have absolute 0 friends at uni or outside so I a total loner going through all this shit on my own. I have joined a few societies so far and trying my best to just engage with people...i'm also getting counselling soon for this problem so yea I am doing what I can.

[Martin74]

That sounds like the worst situation imaginable for someone with SA. Just reading that is almost painful I can absolutely sympathize with what you are going through. When I went to uni (many years ago) I ended up dropping out half way through the first year it was so bad. And I was living with my parents at the time so I had it easier than you. Usually I am not the best person to give advice but I would say be patient and try not to be so self conscious around your flatmates (not easy, I know). If you think of something to say then say it but don't try to force things if you don't feel comfortable. You are always going to be the quiet one so be realistic about what you can achieve and don't feel bad just because you can't do things other people can. At the end of the day you are there to get your degree and that's what really matters. Work towards that and don't give up. Finally, remember that it's not going to last forever.

One more thing. I wouldn't advise you to mention SA. One, they probably don't care and, two, they wouldn't understand anyway. That's just a gut feeling but I really don't think it would help.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Martin74

Just reading that is almost painful

Yes it makes me cringe too, I've had jobs where I didn't feel I fitted in, especially if everybody else seemed very extrovert.

You're being so hard on yourself, the SA isn't your fault. Also it's not an uncommon problem, there will be lots of other students feeling the way you do. It's excellent that you've arranged to have counselling, well done. Maybe you could talk to the counsellor about whether it would be good to tell your flatmates about the SA - I'm not sure myself, it would depend what they were like. I would also suggest you talk to your GP about other options like medication. Even if you don't want to take it long term it might help you through a rough patch.

If you really don't want to stay in that situation could you talk to your university accommodation office about other options?

[clyde33]

I've been in that situation. I was in halls of residence for two years, then meant to be in a flat on the campus for the remaining two years. I hated every minute of it. In the halls of residence i had to share a tiny kitchen with 30 other students, one small drying room and two showers and two toilets. It was torture, and i used to hide in my room with the lights off whenever the frequent "floor parties" were taking place. I got a part-time job and used the money from it to get a bedsit flat away from the other students and managed ok with that arrangement as i didn't have to mix with any of the other residents there. Is that a possibility? I felt so much better when i did that as i could leave Uni at the end of each day and go back to my bedsit away from all the other students.

[adlong]

Have you spoken to any of them one-on-one, or in smaller groups? Something like that would probably be a lot less daunting. Even if it's just something about how much coursework you have or an annoying lecturer, it's a jumping off point which they can relate to, which could allow you to get over that initial hurdle of having a 'proper conversation'.

Telling them about your SA might be an option. From my student experience, I found that most people in that environment are compassionate and supportive and would look to include you in more social activities. You could just say that you can be shy and it takes a while to come out of your shell, or something along those lines.

Hope this helps you in some way, and I hope you feel better about the whole situation soon!

[ConverseCody]

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this horrible situation. I am however, glad to hear that you're going to see a counsellor and that things are getting better for you. Reading this (especially the part about making food and sitting in the kitchen in silence whilst your flat mates talk around you) sounds exactly like my halls in first year. I had a whole year of that shit

I think you're doing the right thing by joining societies. In my experience its a lot easier to make friends in them due to there being a lot of like minded people.

I think that opening up about your SA might be a good thing actually. Do you have your flat mates on social media? eg. Facebook. If the thought of telling them fills you with fear perhaps you should try sharing posts about SA on social media so they sort of pick up on it? Might be a stupid idea, I don't know. I just realise how horrible and daunting the thought of telling someone about having SA would be.

Also how have your uni classes been so far? I found tutorials easier to make friends in as we were forced to talk to one another.

Just know that uni does get better. I know how horrible halls are and how horrible first year is in general with all the socialising and meeting people. It becomes less demanding as uni goes on.

Good luck

[Dylan28]

I'm doing alright course wise at the moment I study graphic design, I'm enjoying the course its a lot of hard work but I don't mind it. the people in my groups to are actually nice, I have managed to have conversations with a hand full of them and get along with them relativity well. so you could say outside of my flat and away from flatmates i'm not to bad, but the problem with that to is that I only see my course mates during the lectures and workshops and never see them outside of it, so I completely on my own after that, since I haven't really found that courage yet to further get to know them outside of lectures.

but I just really don't want to go a whole year like this, just anxiously seeing my flat mates everyday, awkwardly saying nothing for 20 minutes straight and having to hide in my room because i'm to afraid to get involved with them when they are all in the kitchen. surprisingly I do have them all on Facebook and part of a group chat, but i'm still even anxious to post anything in the group chat as I have no idea what they are talking about half of the time because i'm never involved with them.

I think the worse part about all of this is that they probably have no idea whats wrong with me, they just probably assume that I am quiet, boring, shy and don't want to be disturbed which isn't the impression i'm trying to give off but it just seems like it at the moment. another thing that makes me depressed as hell is when just one of them is in the kitchen and then I walk in, the only interaction that happens when I see them 1 to 1 is just a quick "hi" then silence for as long as i'm in there, but then as soon as another flatmate comes in everything just becomes ****ing better and that another flatmate is all lively and loud now that its someone else in here besides me... just feel so neglected its almost like i'm back at high school and i'm that one weird kid that no one talks to it makes me feel so inferior to all of them :/

[Luke89]

I was exactly the same, I felt left out and dreading the nights they invited their coursemates over for a party! Didnt even consult me but its what uni is all about huh. I ended up leaving my door to my room open when i was in to come across as approachable, and they were friendly enough to pop in and take the lead. I started using stock conversation starters like : hows your course going? Got alot of work on at the moment? Joining any groups? Etc. I stopped worrying what they thought of me, i was just happy to be alone whenever i wanted to. And as posted above, your course is what you are there for. Maybe suggest going for lunch breaks together between classes with your course mates? I wasn't the one to suggest it but im glad they did, we all got to see the city we were living in together.

[BritishPeace]

I don't know Dylan, but from my own experience I would say never drink alcohol to cover your own shyness if doesn't work and if I went uni again I would never think it's a good idea to drink alcohol