Authority anxiety

[limey123]

Anyone else have this? Or is it just me. I have issues dealing with people who have actual or potential authority over me.
For example, my bosses at work, I have almost zero rapport with them as I cannot talk to them somehow. I can generally talk to my peers at work, though. God knows what the bosses must think of me. Well, actually I'm pretty sure they dislike me a lot and probably assume I dislike them. Which is not actually the case. I just can't relax with them and don't know what to say. It's like my my mind goes blank around them.

It's a weird anxiety, don't you think?

[Dougella]

Yes definitely. I think it's to do with a fear of judgement, aswell as anxiety when someone is watching me do something.

[limey123]

^ Thanks for your thoughts. For me, I think it's also a fear of their power (imagined or real) over me, and so I feel I need to behave perfectly in order not to incur their disdain. So I keep away, so I cannot do anything stupid. But ironically this actually causes them to dislike me.

I also hate being watched doing some work task! Even signing my name in front of a boss and I can mess it up and my hand might shake.

[Aelwyn]

Yes I have this. I wonder if it goes back to having a very domineering father, it was impossible to stand up to him as a child, and I never saw my mother do so in any effective way If you don't learn how to stand your ground when you're young, you have no model in your mind about how to do it, and at some quite deep level I think you feel helpless. An assertiveness course might be helpful.

[Clumsy*]

For me it all depends on how the “boss” is behaving, whether they make themselves approachable or not.

I’ve had jobs where my line supervisor and their boss were friendly, kind, patient, helpful. Those were graduate jobs and jobs at charities. In those jobs, I was treated as a human and shown I had value.

In hindsight I even realise that many people noticed I was shy and awkward and made special effort to include me, and some to raise my self-esteem. But I was way too young and too deep in self-loathing, to appreciate or understand, and only considered myself a nuisance and embarrassment to myself and others back then.

And I’ve had jobs (low-paid in retail and hospitality), where managers were standoffish, distant and cold. And if I’d ask a question, they were obviously not happy and not welcoming, so I’d never ask a question again. I was bullied and humiliated. I was operating the till once when my supervisor was irate with my performance and slapped my hand in front of customers. The customer spoke up and confronted my supervisor. I had no idea that was abuse.

I currently volunteer at a charity. I feel the business manager is the most friendly and approachable of all staff, even though he’s not directly my supervisor and I only rarely see him. He is just kind and chill. I know it's not comparable to your situation, because I'm not paid. But he is really like that with all the staff, paid or not.

What I’m trying to say is that I think that they are managers, they are in a position of power and that the onus is more on them to put their staff at ease, help them feel comfortable, and foster a positive atmosphere at work.

If they are not capable of this, then they are lacking important leadership skills, and it’s not at all your fault.

(please don't quote)

[humphrey]

Yes I have always had this, boss's, doctor's, anybody in authority. I always have had trouble when you used to have to write cheques, fill in forms etc in front of people. I hate being watched when I work or do anything, it gives me so much anxiety.

[LittleMissMouse]

I have this too. I tried explaining this to a colleague once about being a bit intimidated by bosses and our boss at the time and their response was "why are you scared, he's just a man" so I try and remind myself of that the success rate in terms of calming myself down is only about 50/50.

[Sunrise]

Some companies encourage a more authoritarian approach to management, and coming across as cold, distant and unapproachable is almost part and parcel of that. I used to feel intimidated by managers who acted like that, but I eventually realised it was nothing personal and it's just how they've been told to do to there job. I've learnt that you have to be very assertive yourself when dealing with people like that, and I find they actually seem to respect that in most cases.

I find I'm mostly intimidated by people who are in very senior positions, the sort of people who you're supposed to roll out the red carpet for if they visit. Thankfully as one of the plebs I rarely have to speak to people like that.

I think if someone is being openly being rude or aggressive, it's not the authority that's the main issue. That's just being unpleasant at the end of the day. Obviously if someone is using their supposed authority to belittle others then that is a problem, but again it's more of an issue with that particular individual's attitude rather than "authority" as a whole. I don't feel at all intimidated by people like that though. I used to when I was younger, and I met plenty of them doing low paid work, but these days I just see it as quite pathetic.

[limey123]

Thanks everyone again for your responses. It seems, sadly, I'm not the only one with this issue, and I sympathise with you. In my case, I think the only way around it is to somehow raise my self-esteem so I can see these managers as just people like me, but I don't know yet how to do this.

[R.H.I.N.O.]

Funnily enough, people in authority don't bother or scare me.

Lots of other stuff does, but not authority figures.