Ugly!

[ozy123]

I'm absolutely stuck thinking i'm ugly. I sometimes see guys I'm more attractive than but I still can't help think I'm ugly. I think a lot of this comes from the only person I've ever been in love with cheating on me with pretty much anyone he could find ever since we started going out. No matter how hard I try and fight this it still remains with me. I've been reading about social dysmorphias and how they are very rigid and difficult to change. I'm currently in CBT directed to treat persistent depression, low self esteem and social anxiety but not seeming to make much progress. I'm on medication as well. I'm beginning to feel hopeless again and not sure what to do. Anybody else have these strong negative beliefs that they think may/may not be true?

[scarlet_diva]

I have also always thought I was extremely ugly -- probably from the age of about 4. I think that's contributed in a huge way to my SA, I never have felt like I was good enough in the looks department, in fact I've always felt like i looked like a freak, even though logically it doesn't make sense as I have all the normal features any human should have and not disfigured in any way.I wish the media would stop brainwashing us with these airbrushed model types, that doesn't help either. I have read up on BDD and could identify with a lot of the symptoms which are mainly I think being obsessed that people think you look ugly/weird/freaky. I used to read and post on BDDCentral.com (message board), you might want to take a look.

Yes, I hate my appearance too.

[TimB72]

I used to call myself ugly, unattractive, nerdy, weird, etc., but its all self-hate - to keep us where we think we belong.

Feeling good about yourself is vital, but its not easy to just change. Start off by not thinking negatively - and if you, tell yourself its not an appropriate thought.

I think you want to avoid thinking about yourself in terms like ugly or good looking, just be happy with yourself.

[WelshKat]

I often have trouble getting stuck with thoughts like this but I have made some progress against it recently.

I discovered that the main thing to do is not to compare yourself to other people. If you catch yourself doing this then stop, because it really doesn't help.

The other important thing is that you make a concerted effort to stop the circular negative thoughts. Make an effort to think positively and keep at it.

Perception is a very important thing and a slight change can change everything.

Trust me, I bet none of you are ugly.

[reality]

I'm a male and feel extremely ugly, I've never had a girlfriend and dont hold much hope of ever being with anyone. All the comments I got from girls about what I look like were negative and really put a dent in my self-esteem. I was actually getting these sort of horrible thoughts just now which is why I come on here, I often get very anxious and sad just thinking about it, I find it so hard to block these thoughts out. Do any of you guys get really tense, anxious, upset, depressed when these thoughts enter your head?

Thanks for the link Scarlet Diva im gonna check that out, is BDD mainly a female problem? URL to website SD mentioned... http://bddcentral.com/

[cavycrazy]

I think that I'm ugly too.......my partner says otherwise but I just can't see what's so attractive about me.

[scarlet_diva]

Originally Posted by reality

I'm a male and feel extremely ugly, I've never had a girlfriend and dont hold much hope of ever being with anyone. All the comments I got from girls about what I look like were negative and really put a dent in my self-esteem. I was actually getting these sort of horrible thoughts just now which is why I come on here, I often get very anxious and sad just thinking about it, I find it so hard to block these thoughts out. Do any of you guys get really tense, anxious, upset, depressed when these thoughts enter your head?

Thanks for the link Scarlet Diva im gonna check that out, is BDD mainly a female problem? URL to website SD mentioned... http://bddcentral.com/

Hi Reality
There are plenty of guys on the website and you'll be able to find plenty of people who can empathise with you.
I think BDD definitely affects more women than men - although that's probably changing, now that the whole looking good obsession is starting to be aimed at men too, e.g. in the media.
By the way, I think it's horrible that you've had women saying negative things about your looks. Those are the sorts of people you need to steer clear of. Don't lose hope in finding a girlfriend. It is not all about looks, it's a matter of finding someone you can click with on an emotional level and there are loads and loads of people who are not considered 'conventionally' good looking who are married or have partners and are perfectly happy.

[mysterious]

I feel the same way. And sometimes...when people compliment me, for some reason I get really offended...

[TimB72]

Originally Posted by cavycrazy

I think that I'm ugly too.......my partner says otherwise but I just can't see what's so attractive about me.

Don't think that, if your partner says otherwise - find out what your partner finds attractive about you, that might make you rethink things.

There are plenty of people who are obsessed with looking good, but fail to attract anyone - its more about personality than you think.

[cavycrazy]

Originally Posted by TimB72

Don't think that, if your partner says otherwise - find out what your partner finds attractive about you, that might make you rethink things.

There are plenty of people who are obsessed with looking good, but fail to attract anyone - its more about personality than you think.

I already know what he likes about me (he tells me all the time) but I still see a minger when I look in the mirror. He is trying to help me see myself differently but I think it's going to take some time.

[TimB72]

Aww, try and trust him - its much easier if you have someone to help. When you are by yourself, its very easy to assume the worst as nobody tells you otherwise.

Just keep working at it - you'll get there.

[cavycrazy]

Thanks Tim. I'll keep trying.

[pboy]

Originally Posted by TimB72

There are plenty of people who are obsessed with looking good, but fail to attract anyone - its more about personality than you think.

I can agree with that cos I spent so long being obsessed with how I look, dieting, exercising like crazy, allsorts of stuff, and never was I happy even though I looked quite good. I never felt I looked good enough to meet anyone I fancied. You never really get to the stage of feeling happy with yourself that way unless you can already be happy with yourself I think. I'm still not happy with myself even though I look fine I think, but I'm starting to be kinder on myself, seeing the good points and ignoring the bad bits or trying to improve the bad bits (but not obsessing over them and getting depressed over it).

[hardy]

In a sense it doesn't really matter what you look like . If others find you ok thats all that matters unless you had your heart set on winning beauty contests!

I know this attitude doesn't often work but it definitely can for some people.

[ozy123]

I guess its made more difficult by being socially isolated, feeling rejected, unwanted and inferior. I guess a lot of past negative experiences feed into it as well. Its so difficult to keep believing this though. I keep ending up back at feeling frustrated and ugly. But I guess its reassuring that it is exactly that - feeling ugly and not actually being ugly.

[scarlet_diva]

Originally Posted by hardy

In a sense it doesn't really matter what you look like . If others find you ok thats all that matters unless you had your heart set on winning beauty contests!

I know this attitude doesn't often work but it definitely can for some people.

It's not about winning beauty contests - it's wanting to stop thinking you look 'weird' or even 'repulsive' to other people, despite the fact that you are not: dressed outlandishly/have your hair dyed purple with white spots, etc. That's what it's about.

I will often stop and let people past on the pavement because it is literally unbearable for me to think someone behind me is looking at my butt. Similarly (as mentioned in a recent post) walking past a line of stationary cars, makes me extremely uncomfortable as I feel everyone who sees me will automatically think 'Woah, she's weird' even though they're probably just thinking about what they're having for dinner that night.

I get this a lot worse in the summer (less clothes = feeling more vulnerable) and it's something I am working on very hard with my therapist. There are reasons why people are excessively preoccupied with their looks (thinking they are ugly or freaky), and in my case I know very well why, and since it's all in my past I can't go back in time and erase it, but need to work on it now and believe me,it is a really difficult thing to do.

I don't think I've ever checked the mirror before going to work and thought Yeah I look OK. My feeling is always: God I look like a total freak minger. On my worst days I will have voices screaming at me in my head for hours saying that I am Weird, Pig, Ugly, Deformed, Fat, all these things, and it makes day to day life much more difficult when you have all that racket going on in your head. I know people will think i'm a total loony now, but it's true.

And although I keep these feelings under wraps when I'm in a r.ship, I do often think the guy is with me cos he's desperate/ has weird taste in women/can't find anything else right now. So no matter how appreciative other people can be about your looks, it makes no difference - the appreciation needs to come from inside me which is why I never get my validation from men/boyfriends, etc. because I need to feel that I like myself, and that just isn't happening.

[TimB72]

You have to cut out all those negative thoughts and excuses, as they are like elastic - pulling you down. Once you start controlling your thoughts, you can look in the mirror with no adverse thoughts - and you will feel happier, trust me.

The question is, if you keep telling yourself you are ugly/etc., then what to do expect to gain from doing that?

Its hard if you are used to being negative about yourself, but there are only excuses stopping you.

[TimB72]

I have a tip - if you have a camera/webcam, then take pictures of yourself from several different angles. Analyse the images and find out what bits you don't like - mask those bits out in a paint package, and see how you feel then. I just masked out my eyes, and I feel better about my image - they give away my pain.

When negative thoughts pop up, just let them go, and tell yourself that they are not appropriate thoughts. Over the last couple of days, I find myself instinctively telling myself off for negative thoughts - which I've never done before

Originally Posted by ozy123

I guess its made more difficult by being socially isolated, feeling rejected, unwanted and inferior. I guess a lot of past negative experiences feed into it as well. But I guess its reassuring that it is exactly that - feeling ugly and not actually being ugly.

Yes exactly! I can't bear being watched or being the centre of attention because I feel so inferior. I think some of it comes from being rejected at school as a freak or the loner no one wants to know.
"We don't want you on our football team because you're ****ing useless." That's the kind of thing I used to get, along with occasional physical attack.

A massive fear of mine is fear of rejection, so I try to avoid any circumstance where that is likely to happen.
Even walking in the street is a painful experience for me because I know people are looking at me and I feel so terribly self conscious and I just want to get home as quickly as possible so I can feel safe.

[AdamUK]

i totally relate,
low self esteem and only seeing the bad parts which you dont like and even those are not as ugly as you think they are!.
some stuff which helped me

I found some old pictures of me when i was 17 and at that time i felt really ugly and i had people in my life who comfirmed it. But now i look back at those pics and i think i look pretty damn good!. which got me thinking maybe my looks now are better then i think.

I read a self esteem book which asks to look at yourself in the mirror everyday, the more times the better. specifically the parts you don't like and accept them as part of you, it gets easier in time and accepting does'nt mean you have to like them..

[pboy]

Originally Posted by Introverted Guy

Yes exactly! I can't bear being watched or being the centre of attention because I feel so inferior. I think some of it comes from being rejected at school as a freak or the loner no one wants to know.
"We don't want you on our football team because you're ****ing useless." That's the kind of thing I used to get, along with occasional physical attack.

Oh yes this brings back memories. I was always the last one in a footy team, cos no one would pick me so I was just there to make up the odds.

[TimB72]

Originally Posted by pboy

Oh yes this brings back memories. I was always the last one in a footy team, cos no one would pick me so I was just there to make up the odds.

I was the same, but once I made a really great tackle in defence and my pass up the wing nearly resulted in a goal. They couldn't praise me enough then, and after that I wasn't always the last to be picked for football. The problem I found with school football is that the teacher didn't pick the teams - so it tended to be done by the best players on each side, usually school reps.

Anyway, those days are history - don't allow yourself to look like the last hope, else you will nearly always be the last picked. That applies to life in general.

[pboy]

I once made a great pass in footy and everyone was shocked. Only happened the once mind you Not to mention I scored a great try in rugby when I first started school.

But yeah I don't much think of those days anymore, ancient history.

[hardy]

I understand all that Scarlet .I realise that a strongly poor self image is not going to be cured by simply ignoring it .
Just it sometimes works for less severe cases.