Are you very opinionated/blunt/rude etc

[ßazzaOld]

Are you very opinionated to the point of sometimes being rude without realising it or just a little 'too' blunt in the middle of a conversation.

I think I struggle with the fact im a little 'too' blunt during a conversation. A little too much honesty about what I think and how I explain it to others can be a problem. Sometimes I am rude without understanding till someone either points it out or gets moody with me. ..I know I should word things differently so I dont come across as someone who is trying to be offensive or whatever. I could simply word things different to get my opinion across but I dont think about it at the time.

Even on these forums I know I am like that lol. Cynic gets it alot even if he dont realise but I noticed it. "I think your opinion stinks" "I thought what you wrote sucks"..Its true this is my opinion and sometimes I talk like this in real life with people who probably take more offense than he does. I would only ever be that honest if I thought the person could handle it but thats besides the point! I think I learnt while overcoming certain problems to 'not give a damn' and that my opinion is valid, but that can end up to be being very blunt when I could otherwise word things better and be pretentionally less offensive.

So I been asking certain people about the way I talk to get some help on this and they telling me I can be very opinionated and sometimes offensive without realising it. It IS very 'subtle' though..They gave examples which I agree with. I noticed I could worded myself better but at those moments I didnt really think about it. ..See my friends realise this and are 'ok' with it. New people.. they aint. What they end up thinking I wont dwell on but its obvious some people dislike me without getting to know me. While those who know me know im a fab guy.

Now I know someone who doesnt think about what he says till he says it. I am not like this.. I do think about what I say.. except I dont word my opinion very well that it sounds very "I am right! Your wrong.." (This is not true but I guess not everyone realises this.) and even possibly insulting someone. To me its just a general statement but comes across as something more personal. Telling Crynic I think his opinion is 'wrong' is a great example lol. Its a very personal statement which is actually incredibly rude.

I always kinda thought having your opinion was a good thing and it is but I just seem to state it without thinking about how someone else might end up feeling about it. I could fold my opinion inside out so it means the same thing but less personal and pretentiously less offensive.

More casual but even just a passing comment like.. "Ah.. This hasnt been done properly" is offensive but in all honesty I dont intend it to be. Its just because its annoying and someone didnt do it properly. Im not trying to point fingers.. I honestly dont care.. I just say things without realising it sometimes because I dont ever intend them to be offensive. Since I never intend them to be offensive I end up saying it. You see how EASY it is for me to say things like this. During conversations I do it all the time without ever meaning it to be personal but it ends up being that way. Being very opinionated myself this makes it 10x worse I think. Being opinionated is one of my greatest talents but its also a pain in the butt.

I seem to go out of my way to say good things to people nowadays.. so they dont get the wrong impression during one of these opinionated outbursts.. so to speak.

[ßazzaOld]

Fvck that. I just in your face whenever I got an opinion to express lol. Or if I disagree even.

*Someone says.."Did you like that song??" Everyone agrees it was da shit .Bazza says "I thought it was crap tbh.."*

I cant help it! *rolls eyes* Its how I was born.. to state my opinion is a great talent when everyone else falls in line. Some people like it and some dont. Im like marmite. =/

That is seriously me and I love it.. Unless I genuinely agree of course. I dont disagree for the sake of disagreeing... I just very.. Got my own opinion.

I just dont like it whenever someone gets offended for whatever reason. =/ That stinks..

[ßazzaOld]

I think my last post is a great example of how blunt and outward to my opinion I can be. :rolleyes:

That song example is great too. Nowadays I try and think of something 'nice' to say.

Like.. Instead of "I thought it was rubbish"

I try.. "I thought it was ok but its not my type of music"

The second example is alot more polite and less blunt. Less offensive etc. Less rude. Less 'get out my face' kinda language.

Saying I thought it was rubbish is borderline expressing a very personal opinion that I think their taste in music sucks. Which is quite rude when I could word it differently. I struggle with that quite bad...

[Wheelie Bin Bird]

yes

[ßazzaOld]

Originally Posted by Cynic

Maybe.


More offense to what exactly?

Well its really difficult say what as it could be a multitude of different things. I meant by 'they take more offense' purely because I think your the type of person who can handle criticism as a type of sport rather than an personal attack. Most people if you tell them 'this is this' they take offense as it sounds very argumentative without meaning to.

If I may so say you also hold alot characteristics of someone who can be very blunt like me. When you got an opinion you may not realise it to insult someone else. I dont believe you wish to insult others but you may do. This is something I personally wish to change.

"Bazza, did you once say that you're a diagnosed Aspergers? Appropriate tone, or lack of, bluntness and tact are said to be traits commonly associated with aspies."

Yes but mild so that means I am capable of overcoming it. Even if I lack certain emotional/intellectual understanding I can 'learn' them. I surprised you remember that actually.

Thats infact what im trying figure out now tbh. See I do feel guilty over the fact I might hurt someone due to struggling to say things 'correctly' to begin with. Politely.

I dont want to live my life as a person who is thought to be odd. I am considered a very good listener and able to understand people quite well. I got so much emotion to express that im also normal as anyone else. Its just not always evident with certain things. ..People dont see me as 'odd' (Because I try hard to seem 'normal') that they then take offense easilly when I struggle. Both with anxiety, lack of social experience, and a bit mild aspergers. When I am talking I can seem narrow minded due to needing to explain myself clearly. As soon as they start disagreeing I try explain myself better which just makes the situation worse. Sooner or later I end up being rather rude without realising it. Even once im told I dont always at first understand why they felt offended. It can be quite subtle reasons which I struggle to pick up on. ANYONE might have this trouble I think but I kinda make things worse..

I already knew I said alot of things out of place. That I could be kinda rude now and then. I remember that thread.. about.. masturbating is bad for ya or whatever. I thought it was bullshit so I simply state its bullshit. See.. I think its 'ok' to be honest but I think the difference between a 'personal' attack and a 'general' attack is important. Saying that I think 'YOUR' opinion sucks is a very personal attack which may offend people. I didnt care about that thread.. but in real life with more important matters I do care how I come across. With friends and people in general I dont want to come across as a argumentative rude person due to my opinions. It isnt making me happy..

[sonofbartleby]

I think you have to distinguish between someone being blunt one-to-one and being rude in order to embarrass or humiliate a person before others. Personally I've been a shy-diplomatic softie for decades, but I happen now to be depressed and working in a small group of people who provoke and disparage for their own amusement. I'm learning to use the blunt weapon.

I started off by fending off unwanted conversations with "I don't find it necessary to have an opinion about that". Then I reacted to the situations where people make goading generalisations about a group - older men, gays, whatever - to wound you indirectly. I interrupt their withering comments by looking at them straight in the face and saying "Oh, that applies to me too - I'm really grateful to you for pointing it out."

Sometimes I go childishly too far. A colleague recently mocked somebody of my age (mid-50s) for wearing cool t-shirts and good jeans at his age. After thanking them and adding "It helps to get dress advice like that. I don't like to think of being smirked at behind my back." This happened 2 weeks ago and every day since then I have worn the same M&S navy fleece top over Farah trousers.

What I'd really like to do, of course, is take in a Kalashnikov and mow the lot of them down.

[Rick Sanchez]

I think any idiot can 'say what's on there mind'; it isn't always a decent quality as most seem to assume. It's all about tact, really.

EDIT: was that blunt enough?

[custardcreams]

yes, i have this problem...

i think honesty is extremely important but needs to be handled well (better than i currently handle it). that is not a euphemism for lying btw.

Originally Posted by Godfather

I think any idiot can 'say what's on there mind'; it isn't always a decent quality as most seem to assume. It's all about tact, really.

oh yeah, i hate when people crash around wrecking stuff, being totally boring and upsetting people and then seem to expect to be forgiven because they were only "telling it like it is", being an endearing free spirit and all... gah. it's not smart or ballsy to be like that, it just means you're a twat.

this is not the same as telling people hard but necessary truths. to do this in a considerate but transparent way requires a lot of skill and empathy.

[diplodocus]

I am pretty opinionated. There aren't many things I don't have an opinion on. I try not to be rude though, obviously I can still upset people. This wasn't always the case and I could be quite rude in the past, not intentionally but I wasn't really concerned with how the other person felt. If they were bothered by the truth then the just needed to learn how to handle it better. At least that's how I thought.

Then I slowly realised that you could put opinions across in more tactful ways and be much more diplomatic. Then the other person would be much more likely to respond in a positive way which would be more helpful to them and of course to me. No I err on the side of caution, (unless I think it's something really important) and if I don't think I can say it tactfully I won't say it.

[Ben]

I dont get the whole "I am unpopular thing", "I rub people up the wrong way" mentality.

If you have something to say, say it.

Thats the problem with this board. People placate, cos they dont want to offend. If you want to offer advice, be it painful, do it, else you are a party to your own, and others, silly self doubts.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Ben

I dont get the whole "I am unpopular thing", "I rub people up the wrong way" mentality.

If you have something to say, say it.

Thats the problem with this board. People placate, cos they dont want to offend. If you want to offer advice, be it painful, do it, else you are a party to your own, and others, silly self doubts.

Humans being possessed of ego's, as we all are to an extent, respond in different ways. So why not present the information in a palatable fashion if you are able? That way if you're trying to be helpful you are more likely that your advice is going to be taken on board rather than discarded as offensive or rude. It's perhaps a little more effort to be polite or 'sugar coat' something but sometimes I feel it is necessary to get the end result desired. I don't see the point in dishing out advice if you know the other person isn't going to listen and just take offense.

[Ben]

Originally Posted by deeshow

It's perhaps a little more effort to be polite or 'sugar coat' something but sometimes I feel it is necessary to get the end result desired. I don't see the point in dishing out advice if you know the other person isn't going to listen and just take offense.

I disagree deeshow, sugar coated advice is no advice at all, as it usually presents the person who the advice is aimed at, an SA enforcing, guilt free alternative for not following it.

SA is a shit condition, and any advice that tallies with the mentality that sa is all powerful is bad advice, ie suger coating, and saying "its only to be expected you will screw up cos of your sa" is cruddy unhelpful advice.

There are people here who have posted the same problems for years, get the same sugar coated advice, duly ignore it, and post the same old dross again and again. Blunt advice is hard to hear, but is far more effective as a wake up call.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Ben

I disagree deeshow, sugar coated advice is no advice at all, as it usually presents the person who the advice is aimed at, an SA enforcing, guilt free alternative for not following it.

SA is a shit condition, and any advice that tallies with the mentality that sa is all powerful is bad advice, ie suger coating, and saying "its only to be expected you will screw up cos of your sa" is cruddy unhelpful advice.

There are people here who have posted the same problems for years, get the same sugar coated advice, duly ignore it, and post the same old dross again and again. Blunt advice is hard to hear, but is far more effective as a wake up call.

Ben, by sugar coating I don't mean just telling them want they might want to hear but I mean presenting what they might not want to hear i.e. the hard truth in a 'nice' softer way.

But those people who ignore the sugar coated advice as you say, do they listen to the blunt advice either? In my experience they just close down the draw bridge or even worse play the victim which doesn't get anyone anywhere.

[Pal]

Originally Posted by deeshow

Ben, by sugar coating I don't mean just telling them want they might want to hear but I mean presenting what they might not want to hear i.e. the hard truth in a 'nice' softer way.

But those people who ignore the sugar coated advice as you say, do they listen to the blunt advice either? In my experience they just close down the draw bridge or even worse play the victim which doesn't get anyone anywhere.

Pretty much what i was going to say, i don't see any reason why blunt would nessecerily be any more useful then sugar coated except that blunt can sometimes be more honest.

I think it's like Neil quite brilliantly put it, it's fair enough to be blunt and honest to an SA sufferer or someone who's ill but you've got to give them hope while you do it otherwise it's just defeating.

[ßazzaOld]

Originally Posted by Ben

I dont get the whole "I am unpopular thing", "I rub people up the wrong way" mentality.

If you have something to say, say it.

Thats the problem with this board. People placate, cos they dont want to offend. If you want to offer advice, be it painful, do it, else you are a party to your own, and others, silly self doubts.

Totally agree to the main point but what you referring to lol. Things in general I guess. I also think this is a mental health forum so it can be tricky, sometimes harmfull, to be completely honest like this. It can do more harm than good.

Sometimes instead of giving advice to people who dont want to hear it its better spending time making them feel better about themselves. Finding good things to say. Its always good to do this though no matter what the reasons for their post.

As for me, I talking more about real life anyway, conversations in general. I wouldnt want to offend by simply wording something in an inappropiate way. There are better ways of wording things sometimes.

-

I think the point of being tactful is good for certain things definately. In general conversations I think its just a matter of being less blunt. Turning something negative into a positive. Saying 'I didnt like this because...' Rather than 'I hated it' response. The 'I hate it' response comes across as an very offensive remark.

Its related to other things too. Like when someone says.. "that film was nice" and you reply "Yes it was." Thats very blunt. Im not sure of the word you would use to describe it. It isnt 'offensive' but it isnt nice either.

Like it was described on a different thread. People eventually go "stuff it" this guy isnt responding and move on.

Certain people dont like it no matter what you say if its againts what they think. I cant do much about this as its their fault imo. I can continue to stay open minded but untill they do the same thing I may struggle to find the motivation to interact with them continuously. To disagree is fine but not if your ganna have a hissy fit or whatever. My ex was alot like this.. It had to be HER way. Fvck that. Others might become more 'distant' towards you the you appear to disagree with them. To have different opinions etc. I struggle with people who act this way.. but its ok as aslongs as its them thats being distant then its not really my problem. Im certainly not ganna act any different myself or start agreeing with them.

[ßazzaOld]

I need to add some SPICE to my conversations but not leave out the chili.

[kt1990]

I wouldn't say i'm rude. But many other people (Who i don't talk to, of course) think i'm a complete snob. But you know, I do sort of feel that i tend to dislike people for no apparent reason. It's hard to explain.

Ugh, it's annoying but just another reason why having SAD sucks.

[ßazzaOld]

Originally Posted by kt1990

I wouldn't say i'm rude. But many other people (Who i don't talk to, of course) think i'm a complete snob. But you know, I do sort of feel that i tend to dislike people for no apparent reason. It's hard to explain.

Ugh, it's annoying but just another reason why having SAD sucks.

You know its not your fault you give off a false impression. Which is what it is. Your misunderstood because you struggle to communicate. That doesnt make you a bad person it just means you havnt found a way to express your true qualities. You can make the changes necessary to make your life better.

I think its quite natural to dislike people when we get frustrated with ourselves. Hate ourselves. We want what they got and we cannot seem to perform correctly. Some might feel jealousy and I think its a healthy emotion to feel in this situation aslongs as it doesnt lead to anyone getting hurt, but rather used productively to change things for the better. Its just your body telling you that it isnt happy and wants something better. It can be hard to deal with untill you become happier with yourself. Once your happy with yourself your not worrying about others judgements and wish them happiness too. Till then we just worry about their judgements, presuming the worse, thinking they hate us so we hate them back. This isnt so healthy but irrational thoughts. Irrational thoughts being at the core of sa sufferers. Needing to hear good feedback or otherwise we hate ourselves. Finding happiness without the need of others is very important.

I personally find others quite snobby.. due to the way they choose to treat me. I struggle.. Sometimes I even make this very vocal to them. I just try accept that not everyone has the ability to understand or wish to. These people arnt worth so much of my valuable time. There are many people who understand better than you think though. Those who dont mind and are happy with it. People you can be great friends with. Feel comfortable around. Trust etc.

[mi©o]

Originally Posted by Ben

I dont get the whole "I am unpopular thing", "I rub people up the wrong way" mentality.

If you have something to say, say it.

Thats the problem with this board. People placate, cos they dont want to offend. If you want to offer advice, be it painful, do it, else you are a party to your own, and others, silly self doubts.

Although I agree with that, I think there is sometimes among the socially anxious a lack of tact, or social intelligence. The ability to read people and respond, not in any wishy washy, passive way, but appropriately, whether that be blunt or otherwise, is a very useful skill.

The intricacies of conversation run deep and it's only a thin line between standing tall and falling flat on your face. Without going into it all, one major stumbling block for many of us is most probably negativity as Bazza has already picked up upon. If you're constantly negative in conversation, you're never going to make anyone else feel good. You can be equally as positive whilst being blunt.

I've been told that I can speak very 'matter of factly' myself. And I will be the first to admit that sometimes it's innapropriate. However...

Originally Posted by deeshow

It's perhaps a little more effort to be polite or 'sugar coat' something but sometimes I feel it is necessary to get the end result desired.

I cannot abide 'sugar coating'. If there's anything I find in any way offensive to my intelligence, it's that. I can't think of one thing that winds me up more.

I'll give deeshow the benefit of the doubt on what he meant by that though. It's not really an easy topic to cover without writing a full blown essay.

[W!llow]

I think I probably am a bit opinionated about some things , and quite truthful but I do try and be tactful most of the time. I feel differently about the sugar-coating as described, I don't really like the description because it sounds sickly. As I said I like to be truthful but if I can say it in a way considerate to the other person's feelings I will in most cases. If the word sugar-coating is used to describe insincerity or deliberate manipulation I can understand that not being a good thing. I also don't think it is always necessary to make a point about something as I don't believe that my opinions are necessarily right so unless it is something I feel quite strongly about I let a lot of things go over my head.

[mi©o]

Originally Posted by Underground

Taking SAUK as an example, if this place was full of the likes of Ray, Starrfin, Ben, Mico and their ilk - people who for some reason seem to have major difficulty ''telling it like it is'' when that is what's called for i.e just being ****ing normal and secure enough in saying whatever it is they want to say there and then, move on, whilst not being childish and having to wait for opportune moments to say what's on there mind - then the dynamic of this place could be far more negative and detrimental then it already can be at present.

[custardcreams]

Originally Posted by Underground

Jesus Christ, you are sour.

I think to be the opposite to the above reveals a far weaker, more insidious and unhealthy aspect to a persons underlying character. In those you know full well have the intent to really upset someone and don't mind how low they go just in order to do it, but only a lack of a backbone (for want of a better word) prevents them being transparent and upfront about it, anyway.

Taking SAUK as an example, if this place was full of the likes of Ray, Starrfin, Ben, Mico and their ilk - people who for some reason seem to have major difficulty ''telling it like it is'' when that is what's called for i.e just being ****ing normal and secure enough in saying whatever it is they want to say there and then, move on, whilst not being childish and having to wait for opportune moments to say what's on there mind - then the dynamic of this place could be far more negative and detrimental then it already can be at present.


Besides, not many things worse when relating to other people than being unsure where you stand with them, and them being two faced and false. That's offensive in itself. So is having a load of depressed, listless, tiresome people holding pointless grudges on an internet site.

But maybe some people are more comfortable being that way anyway?

wtf?

when i said "telling it like it is" i was thinking of the sort of ukip-voting knob ends who like to loudly spout off uninformedly about teh immigrants or how we should hang paedos and suchlike, regardless of anyone else's feelings... or bull-in-china-shop people who think stating baldly that their friend is getting fat and mingy will give them a good kick up the arse, that sort of thing. there are ways of stating your opinions entirely honestly whilst still regarding other peoples feelings, but i find that people who revel in "telling it like it is" seem to want to get their own opinion out at the expense of anything else. i find this selfish. generalisation of course.

i'm pretty baffled by your comment about me. i can't see where it could have come from unless there's something personal behind it. is this about that time where you thought i was weaseling out of calling you a suck arse? because i was more than happy to spell out every single word of that to you, since i genuinely thought calling someone a "suck" was generally used shorthand. if anyone has a quietly simmering pointless grudge here it seems to be you.

do you think my comment about "telling it like it is" referred to you? just trying to figure out what's going on here... if so you couldn't have been further from my mind when i wrote that, i was responding to godfather.

if my suck arse comment pissed you off, or something else i have done has pissed you off, you are welcome to discuss it openly with me in pm rather than skirting about on this thread.

[Pal]

I do concider myself opinionated, i don't concider myself blunt or rude.

There's an enormous difference between being opinionated, blunt or offensive because you need to get your views across or tell it like it is, which of course could probably be done in a fairly diplomatically way, and being deliberetly blunt or offensive because you concider it a laugh or because you're annoyed at something or whatever.

[jontyboyoh]

I have been yes......In my last job, I was sure they didn't want me back coz I was too caustic and cutting. lol

[Underground]

Originally Posted by custardcreams

wtf?

when i said "telling it like it is" i was thinking of the sort of ukip-voting knob ends who like to loudly spout off uninformedly about teh immigrants or how we should hang paedos and suchlike, regardless of anyone else's feelings... or bull-in-china-shop people who think stating baldly that their friend is getting fat and mingy will give them a good kick up the arse, that sort of thing. there are ways of stating your opinions entirely honestly whilst still regarding other peoples feelings, but i find that people who revel in "telling it like it is" seem to want to get their own opinion out at the expense of anything else. i find this selfish. generalisation of course.

I don't like that attitude, myself, when put into that context. I take the sour comment back. Soz.

Originally Posted by custardcreams

your comment about me. i can't see where it could have come from unless there's something personal behind it. is this about that time where you thought i was weaseling out of calling you a suck arse? because i was more than happy to spell out every single word of that to you, since i genuinely thought calling someone a "suck" was generally used shorthand. if anyone has a quietly simmering pointless grudge here it seems to be you.

No, it has nothing to do with that time. And you didn't weasel out then anyway. I was just messing about that time. I wasn't serious.

Originally Posted by custardcreams

do you think my comment about "telling it like it is" referred to you? just trying to figure out what's going on here... if so you couldn't have been further from my mind when i wrote that, i was responding to godfather.

I didn't take it as directed at me. Just disagreed with the point, as it seemed a little vague at first. It something I felt like I wanted to make a point on.

Originally Posted by custardcreams

if my suck arse comment pissed you off, or something else i have done has pissed you off, you are welcome to discuss it openly with me in pm rather than skirting about on this thread.

It nothing to do with what you personally actually, or anything you've done. If you want it cleared up would you still prefer if I pm you?

[custardcreams]

I didn't take it as directed at me. Just disagreed with the point, as it seemed a little vague at first. It something I felt like I wanted to make a point on.

i thought it might be personal since it seemed a bit random to say "jesus christ you're sour" when you could have simply asked for clarification if my point was vague. if you say it's not personal though, then fair enough.

It nothing to do with what you personally actually, or anything you've done. If you want it cleared up would you still prefer if I pm you?

if you want to clear something up then feel free, but i don't have a grudge against you and if you don't have a grudge against me i am fine with things.

[Underground]

Originally Posted by custardcreams

i thought it might be personal since it seemed a bit random to say "jesus christ you're sour" when you could have simply asked for clarification if my point was vague. if you say it's not personal though, then fair enough.

It was down to something LAB had said more recently. But it's best to just leave it.

Originally Posted by custardcreams

if you want to clear something up then feel free, but i don't have a grudge against you and if you don't have a grudge against me i am fine with things.

Cool. I've no grudge about anything.

[Grah08]

I think I can be a bit blunt sometimes, but seems to be a trait of my whole family.

[ßazzaOld]

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

I have been yes......In my last job, I was sure they didn't want me back coz I was too caustic and cutting. lol

I like your avatar. Very bold, its handsome.

I wish I could do that.