Friendship advice needed...

[AutumnHues]

I've been friends with a guy for over 20 years. At the beginning he was obviously looking for more than friendship but I made it clear from the start that I wasn't interested in him in 'that' way. Therefore we have only ever had a strictly platonic relatiionship. During that time I've had a couple of serious relationships that sadly failed, the latter producing my precious child.

To my knowledge, my middle aged friend has never had a girlfriend. Although he doesn't suffer with SA and says he couldn't care less what others think about him he comes across very socially awkward, rarely asks me questions and appears to struggle to make eye contact. Although it is me who suffers with SA I am far more chatty and extrovert and at times have really struggled to have a conversation with my introverted friend. He has barely any friends and no family and I know that myself and my son have prevented him from feeling so isolated and lonely.

I have been single for over 10 years totally focusing on being a mother. During this time my friend has been there for me through thick and thin and thinks the world of my son. Coming round one evening a week for a meal gradually increased to four and although I found this way too excessive I didn't have the heart to say anything. I guess my SA has caused me to put others needs and feelings before my own and I have a fear of hurting people. Although our friendship had become emotionally unfulfilling I can't deny that it wasn't nice to have someone a round when you are a mum with little or no support. And don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy and a valued family friend in some ways like the older brother I never had.

Then, five months ago I met the most wonderful guy in the world. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, far from it, but his chatty and supportive emails brought sunshine into my life and we quickly connected. He is warm, affectionate, open and honest and we can talk over the phone for hours. We are now spending a great deal of time together and although it's still early days we like to think that we might have a future together. He has met my family and I have met his. I hoped that my friend might be pleased that I had met someone who makes me so happy after he had witnessed the heartbreak I'd suffered in the past but instead he has been pretty hostile. When I told my friend that I'd met someone he didn't want to know anything about him, won't refer to him by his name and refuses to meet my boyfriend although my boyfriend would very much like to meet him. Obviously I am less available for my friend now but he certainly hasnt been pushed aside. Last week he was invited to meet up with my boyfriend and I but responded bluntly that he 'wasn't in the right frame of mind', but then sent an email to my young son and posted him gifts through our door - something which I found quite inappropriate.

My friend is now emailing me to say that he wishes to remain friends but doesn't want my boyfriend to phone me if he is round my place as it will intrude on his time with me and my son and that it is impolite of my boyfriend to call when he knows I am with a friend. Anyone would think that I was talking about a jealous ex here, not someone that has ONLY ever been a platonic friend! When a friend of mine met her future husband I was pleased for her although I knew that it would mean that I would see her a lot less. Why can't my friend be pleased for me or am I expecting too much?

I don't feel that I have done anything wrong but my friend is telling me that my boyfriend coming onto the scene has made him ill - he has suffered from depression in the past. To be honest the situation isnt making me feel so great either. I value my friendships especially one that has lasted so many years but surely my friend can understand that the man I am in love with comes first...

Friendships are precious and something that so many of us SA'ers struggle to maintain but at the moment they feel like more trouble than they are worth

[FraidyCat]

If your friend is not yet comfortable meeting your boyfriend, it may take time for him to come around to meeting him.

I guess you are spending much less time with your friend now, much less than 4 days a week? If its only once a week for a few hours then its not unreasonable
for him to expect your undivided attention.
But if he is still coming around 4 days a week, then your friend needs to accept that your boyfriend comes first when you get a phone call from him.
He also needs to get used to the fact that you are going to spending less time with him.

[black_mamba]

Obviously if he has had feelings for you for that long, not only unrequited but with no other friends...he is feeling very lonely and vulnerable with the prospect of losing the time you share. But I'm sorry to say I think his behavior is inappropriate. We can make excuses all day for him but if his actions make you feel shitty then you need to do what's best for you, whether that is winding down the friendship, helping him make new friends, or just communicating why you don't like what's going on and encourage him to back off (if that is indeed what you want). Just my opinion.

[jenny4]

From what you've written, it sounds like your friend may have always had thoughts that you both would get together at some point, even though you made things clear it was only ever going to be a friendship. It's either that, or he is afraid of being more alone now you have a boyfriend. However, because you've invited your friend to meet your boyfriend and he's declined, I suspect the former. Either way, I think it's unfair of him to make demands that your boyfriend doesn't call while he is spending time with you. I think your boyfriend would find this strange too? And I'm assuming your boyfriend doesn't call excessively while you're with friends? I think if you want to continue your friendship, you need to be honest with your friend about what's acceptable for you. It can be hard to adjust when you've been spending a lot of time with someone and then the relationship suddenly changes, but if he is a true friend, he would want the best for you.

[diplodocus]

He is just going to have to get used to the idea as he can't try and manipulate you like he is attempting to so I think it's good that you don't let him. It could even be that he can't handle it in the short term and he no longer has contact with you for a while but when he has time to ponder it by himself he'll eventually get used to the idea. If he can't then unfortunately this friendship may have run it's course.

It possibly is too much for him to get over but it's nothing you have done. If he doesn't have the capacity to cope with this situation then he was fooling himself all these years as you always made it clear it was 'just friends' and you shouldn't feel guilty for him not being able to manage his own emotional security.

[Concept]

Tricky. My natural inclination would be to tell your friend where to get off, because it isn't his business dictating the terms with which you conduct your relationship with your boyfriend. But if you have an emotional connection with him due to knowing him for several years, then I guess it isn't going to be as straightforward as that initial rationalisation suggests.

My suggestion would be to talk to him and ask him why he happens to be as hostile as he is, and tell him gently that he can't expect you to put your own happiness before his own. If he's been waiting years for something to happen between you both, then unfortunately there's probably going to be no way other than to hurt him by outlining the fact you have someone now and there are boundaries in play. He can't make unreasonable demands.

The onus just isn't on you. In an ideal world he'd learn to accept the change in your friendship out of the desire to preserve it, but if he can't move on from wanting to romantically be with you, then perhaps he needs to ask himself whether it's mentally healthy for him to continue to see you.

[CyprusPluto]

This situation sounds like a situation I have been in. I was the interfering friend clinging onto my female friend and her children. They were the family I could never have because of who I was. She basically told me to sod off.
Was I affected? Yes and I still am to this day. She is happily married and her children maturing wonderfully.

All that said and however I feel, she was absolutely correct. Her new family and children had to come first. To put up with someone, however much the friendship meant in the past (I even saved her former husbands life once), her children should not have to grow up trying to understand my behaviour, they are just children!

Your friend also needs to realise that the child must come first and if he really feels as strongly for you as he does, he should accept your happiness and be pleased for you or walk away before he is shoved.

This may sound harsher than some of the other answers, but I answer from the perspective of the clingy friend.