Experience in life at a certain age matters!

[Zardo]

I'm sick of people and therapists [for the sake of being positive] saying my age or experience in life doesn't really matter!
Just wish it could be laid down and the truth stated and let me improve my life without the silly basic CBT type tasks. Okay if the SA is caught early and the person realises they have it, or is diagnosed in their teens then maybe it would be of more benefit. Otherwise it just adds an extra shame and embarrassment factor on top of the severe anxiety in situations I feel.
I can go in a shop and ask about something fine if I really have to ect. But why just do it for the sake of it as part of an exercise if it doesn't really help?

Why should I do things like this to get over my social anxiety? It's talking or being around people in social/romantic/work situations and on the phone and interviews that are a nightmare for me! Plus I'm a single mid-30s male going nowhere, no friends, no relationship/sexual experience/ no contacts ect. I feel an outcast of the outcasts, at least if I was in my teens to mid 20s or so still I'd be able to relate with here and other SA forums more.

I'm not saying I should keep staying in like I am now and be a spectator in life, but it's much less hassle to avoid things that particularly won't help your individual situation. I guess the bottom line is too improve no matter what your age if something is helping to limit your life profoundly. But it's best to do it while you're still young still, or there is lots of added awkwardness and people may not be as receptive to you.

I know you can get SA at any age by the way, I'm mainly talking of those who have had issues since they were young. I'm just really fed up with life, nothing I do seems to matter now.
/end rant

[humourlessness]

What can I say to cheer you up?
I assume you need cheering up?

[Parkerjack]

I'm with you on the whole CBT is a bit pointless perspective. The last counsellor I saw announced that my homework was to make four friends within three months. Did she offer any advice as to how to achieve this miraculous feat? Of course not. She didn't seem to understand that my problem is I meet a stranger, mind goes blank, say something stupid or nothing, person wanders off. And, no, I don't want to work in a charity shop. Last Autumn, things were very bad. I was where you are.

But, I found something that has helped.

I was sent on a leadership course at work (everyone at my grade has to take it). One of the elements looks at your personality. Are you focused on tasks, people or data? Everyone else in the group was on the people side - I was a mixture of tasks and data. No surprise there. Then, we were all given a booklet indicating how to identify different types of people by their behaviour and body language. There's one list for conflict situations and one for "we're getting along nicely" situations. Next is the list of things to say and things not to say; body language to exhibit etc. I've noticed an improvement. Last week, I was brave and tried to start a conversation with a stranger (we were both waiting for a gym class). He chatted away and was hard to shut up. The next person looked nervous and would barely speak. My thought was "she doesn't feel like talking". A few months ago, I would have thought I was a terrible person and worried for days.

I wish someone would have taught this to me when I was a kid. It's switched a light on somewhere in my brain. The group discussions helped and I've gone from dreading the course days to having fun. And, I've started having random conversations with strangers.

I don't think CBT can work for everyone. My issue is with informal social interactions. I'm 40 and have only just realised that things can improve. I keep the small booklet in my handbag.

[Zardo]

That leadership course sounds great, glad it helped you so much also! I'm actually going to be referred to a new CBT therapist soon, only see this one bloke every few weeks for a chat about things at the moment.

He hasn't helped much, just fill in a PHQ-9 sheet at the end. He always likes to double check I don't want to kill myself, as he worries he'll get connected if I do anything. I know I come across as a pathetic loser by the way, I'll try not to make threads like this in future.

[warmness]

I was diagnosed in my teens and I didnt benefit from it at all, infact they they left it over two years to get me into therapy. By that time I was set in my ways and havent been able to shake them.

[humourlessness]

I know I come across as a pathetic loser by the way, I'll try not to make threads like this in future.

Don't be ridiculous. My sole purpose on here is to make others feel better about themselves by starting embarassingly boring threads. So people like you can say"At least I'm not as uncool as Humourlessness."

[LongerTripBackHome]

Originally Posted by Parkerjack

I'm with you on the whole CBT is a bit pointless perspective. The last counsellor I saw announced that my homework was to make four friends within three months. Did she offer any advice as to how to achieve this miraculous feat? Of course not.

I'm not sure you should write off CBT if it's based on the experience of one therapist. The bit I've highlighted makes her sound terrible. The way I did it, it might be a final goal to make a friend, but you create a ladder of steps along the way to it. For instance, the first step might be just going to a social event. The second step might be talking to someone at a social event for a short time. The third step might be talking to someone for a long time, 5th step asking if someone wants to meet up, etc, etc.

To jump straight to "make 4 friends in 3 months", if that is what she was proposing, no wonder you hated it.