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  #1  
Old 1st July 2014, 17:42
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Coping with regret

One of the big emotions you have to cope with when you are 30+ and have spent your life crippled with SA is regret.

Do you have any specific, burning regrets? Mine is not going away to University. I did a couple of degrees at the local (fairly good) Uni, but I so wish I could have gone away somewhere when I was 18- some good, artsy university in a beautiful cathedral town. I was miserable at my dingy, grotty, run-down, small town comprehensive. And I hated my work experience at the local newspaper offices, which is where I expected to end up when I left. Then the idea of University grabbed me. It seemed like an opportunity to get away, to start again, to prove something to my family and neighbours and friends. But I just couldn't handle the social side of things, plus SA had left me too underdeveloped and immature. I still bitterly regret it. I sort of feel like I might have met 'my people' there, you know? People who don't care about ****ing flat screen TVs and cars and football and getting promotion in their boring IT job so they can buy a slightly bigger red brick hobbit home.

The death of Rik Mayall kinda brought it home to me. There was a big piece about how he'd met Adrian Edmondson at University and how they hit it off because they loved the same comedy shows and books and music and how they'd sit up all night in their student digs drinking, smoking weed and talking excitedly about different ideas. I would have loved that kind of life- to have gone away to Bath or Durham or somewhere, studied English Lit, got involved in drama, met a circle of friends, had lots of lazy, care-free fun and then gone on to live that sort of creative life (Edinburgh festival etc).

I heard Gore Vidal say in his last interview that, when he looked back over his life, he could find no "good old days" and nothing he'd want to re-live, which is how I feel. He then said "most people talk about the golden summer of 78 or the first time they fell in love or whatever" but how he felt nothing like that. I dunno, maybe people whose lives are full of happy memories are the exception? I'm not particularly bitter, I know my life could have been much worse and that some people have horrific childhoods of abuse and violence etc. But I just pretty much regret everything. I'd much rather not have lived my life. Thanks to SA I have spent it from the side lines and now feel like I'm just treading water.

But how do you cope with that feeling? I suppose what I mean is I regret wasting my youth. No matter what happens in your life, the happiness of later life is not the same as the happiness you experience when young. Because you can never recapture the energy, the innocence and the intensity of the happiness you experience when, say, 18 or 19 (if you were really happy at that age). Does this make sense? I don't mean this to sound like self-pity. Like I said, I know some people are sexually abused or abandoned ,or whatever, when young and that compared to them I've been lucky.
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  #2  
Old 1st July 2014, 18:24
Clayman Clayman is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

I look at my current situation and regret not doing anything about my issues when I was younger. I have drifted through life with no purpose or end goal and have nothing to show for it really. Trying to write my CV after 10 years is a wakeup call.

I think if I had nipped my issues in the bud when I was younger, found something I really wanted to do and focused on that I could've achieved a lot more and I would be a lot more content with my current situation.

Do I regret who I am now? No, I look at what I have achieved and i'm grateful for what i've done and who I am. You have to make use of what you have got. It's the reality I am in and the only way I can resolve any of my regret is to learn from my past and promise myself that I will follow through on changing my future.
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  #3  
Old 2nd July 2014, 04:07
mossieman mossieman is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

To many to list but basically most of my life. Childhood, failure of my parents, never bonding in any way with my father, mother leaving when young, shit step mother who just looked after here own two kids while my father turned a blind eye. Failure at work, failed marriage, missed opportunities to name but a few.
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  #4  
Old 2nd July 2014, 08:04
lwats80 lwats80 is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

I went to university and although it taught me to be independent it made my SA a lot worse. I felt very isolated and was miserable for 4 years. I didn't make any new friends, join social clubs or any of that. Hated classes as we were practically forced to participate in class discussions. I was even hauled in front of the head of the department and lectured about how important sharing my ideas were with others. I hated it!
I don't regret it as such but perhaps I would have done it a bit differently. I know a few people with similar experiences. Don't regret it, trust me you're not missed much. The reality is very different to the popular (media led) image of what university is actually like.
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  #5  
Old 2nd July 2014, 13:13
Mr. Nobody Mr. Nobody is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

the good thing about having a shit life that's full of regrets,. is that it's much easier to accept death,.
if your life was a bed of roses, you'd never want to leave it.

can't think of any other sliver lining's tho' :-/

-- dunno' but it sounds a little bit as if you're prone to mulling over past regrets Moksha,.?
unfortunately,. SA can have that effect of making the past that never was seem too tangible,.and you end up chasing a dream.
maybe try getting into mindfullness,.?
sometimes in mindfullness you can see that all there really is, is the present moment,
the past isn't really something that's real,.
the strange thing is that all that's ever really existed has been the the present moment,
anything else is deliving into your own imagination,.
if you fully embrace and move into the present, I'm sure your regrets will start to lessen and be less of a burden to you,.
I think it's just our mind's torturing ourselves over what we imagined we could have had,
but the reality is, we didn't go off to a wonderful uni, smoke dope all day, shag everyone, and become a world-renowned celebrity with a wonderful sense of humour,.
it's up to us whether we torture oursleves needlessly, or we just deal with the present reality.
maybe ask yourself what you need now,.. what you really feel like doing now ?

I can totally understand and relate to what you're saying, but I just think it's akin to torturing yourself if you're re-hashing the past and constantly agonising over "what if " - I think that just winds you up doing that.
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Old 2nd July 2014, 16:02
jds jds is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

I went to one of those universities, in fact I went to a couple. I did actually make some good friends and enjoyed it.

But I would also say the media and so on do give this idealised view of things, so even though I experienced all of that including quite a social life (and my unis were much older, more traditional and much more ivory towers than Rik's) I was still left feeling that maybe I missed something out.

I think a lot of things are in the telling. I was made very aware of this when I spent some time in Indonesia a few years back. I did enjoy it, but felt very insecure, out of place and unhappy a lot of the time. However my retelling and stories (afterall aren't all memories just stories) glossed over that and told of a funny and useful time - it was how I choose to remember it. I struggled with this a lot, but made, and keep making a definite decision to remember the best bits.

Afterall other people's lives that you hear about are just the edited highlights.
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  #7  
Old 2nd July 2014, 17:19
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by runaway
the good thing about having a shit life that's full of regrets,. is that it's much easier to accept death,.
if your life was a bed of roses, you'd never want to leave it.
Yes, that is so true. I often feel that way. I mean, I'm a physical coward and terrified of the process of dying (cancer, etc), but the idea of being nothing, of not existing, actually cheers me up!! I am going to be SO pissed off if there is reincarnation!

And yes, you all make good points. Like I wrote, it's not really self-pity. I am well-aware of the dreadful lives some people have, the abuse and neglect some people suffer as children. My childhood was lonely and not exactly happy, but it wasn't unhappy either, and it was full of love and very secure, so I can't complain. And I know that life generally is pretty shitty for most people most of the time (after all, depression is the number one reason people visit a GP). I was just curious about other SAers and how they cope with regret- particularly over their youth. I am assuming it's a big part of the average SAer's life. I suppose what I really regret is never having experienced being both young and happy, instead there is a dreadful sense of failure, in every aspect of my life. That and a big, black void where a past should be.
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Old 2nd July 2014, 18:52
LittleMissMouse LittleMissMouse is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Until I was in my late 20s one of my biggest regrets was not studying harder for my A levels - if I'd got just a few more marks in A level chemistry I'd have done a different course at uni and my life would probably be very different from what it is now.

But now, I think maybe things actually turned out for the best the way that there are.

My main big regret now is not taking up the chance to go to the university of Pennsylvania for a year. I have this idealistic notion that it would have been just like in films, my SA would miraculously have been cured, people would have swooned over my cute English accent, I would have gone to parties every week and to Mexico for "spring break". However, I do realise that the reality would probably have been a year being monumentally homesick, having no friends and being known as the weird English girl who never speaks to anyone.

Most of my other regrets are just based around not having the confidence to do things earlier than I did and losing most of my 20s because of it.
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Old 3rd July 2014, 00:38
Belinda Belinda is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by lwats80
I went to university and although it taught me to be independent it made my SA a lot worse. I felt very isolated and was miserable for 4 years. I didn't make any new friends, join social clubs or any of that. Hated classes as we were practically forced to participate in class discussions. I was even hauled in front of the head of the department and lectured about how important sharing my ideas were with others. I hated it!
I don't regret it as such but perhaps I would have done it a bit differently. I know a few people with similar experiences. Don't regret it, trust me you're not missed much. The reality is very different to the popular (media led) image of what university is actually like.
Sounds just like my uni experience.

I don't really have any regrets- I did what I could in difficult circumstances and despite the extreme SA my life is sort of quite good in some ways. I'm not very good at motivational speaking am I?
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  #10  
Old 3rd July 2014, 18:19
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by Darling
I regret wasting my twenties and the first two years (and counting...) of my thirties. Apart from some dead-end jobs and a couple of useless, impractical qualifications, I did literally nothing worthwhile for an entire decade. I've recently been accepted onto a degree course at a fairly good university, and while I'm really pleased about it, etc, I still can't help regretting the fact that I didn't do it ten years ago.

At 32, I'm going to be surrounded by 17/18-year-olds, fresh out of secondary school, so any chance of meeting 'my type of people' or developing the kind of lifestyle and friendships that Moksha describes is fairly slim.

Most of all though, I regret the fact that my mum never had a chance to see me achieve anything. Even if I somehow break the habit of a lifetime and do something incredible, I'll never be able to make her proud. It's difficult to remain motivated when you feel that any hypothetical success is forever going to be tainted by regret.
I can very much relate to this post. My 20s were also a write off. I did an MA at 32 and tried to sort of live the life I should have lived in my late teens/ early 20s. At times I felt a little silly and at times a little depressed. But I am glad I did it. There was one seminar with an amazing, eccentric professor who was a spell-binding talker. I also liked a few of the people in that seminar and used to arrive early just to chat. Those seminars were held every Tuesday morning at 9:00am and were the highlight of my week. Pathetic really. I studied English Lit and psychoanalysis and, though it was pretty useless from a career point of view, it did fill my mind with wonderful language and ideas- a place I can always retreat into. Also, most Universities are now full of mature students, so you may be pleasantly surprised.

I share that feeling of regret over lost parents. My father died in my arms when I was 30, and I know I was a huge disappointment to him. He really wanted the kind of son who went out with lots of girls, had loads of mates, got into scrapes etc. Instead he got a shy, introverted bookworm unable to work, living at home and virtually friendless. My social phobia and physical withdrawal from the world hurt, baffled, worried and embarrassed him, though he was always loving and loyal. Social phobia wrecked my relationship with him. And I share that feeling that any success is meaningless now. I suppose what I really want is to be 18 again and prove friends and family wrong, to go away to University and have a sense of achievement: being independent, living away from home, making new friends, experimenting with drugs and sex etc. I felt worthless when I was 18 and had the self-esteem of an anorexic 13 year old girl. Because I never went out when at my sixth form, I also felt humiliated- like everyone was talking about me and laughing at me. Going away to University would have proved them all wrong and meant so, so much. If I could have done it, I would have come home at xmas like a new man. But once you are into your 30s no one really cares any more. It is the new generation who count. There is a great line in a Philip Larkin poem, where he writes of how "attention passes always to the young". He also wrote a couple of stanzas that nearly killed me when I first read them. He describes groping back to bed in the early hours and looking up at the moon:

One shivers slightly, looking up there.
The hardness and the brightness and the plain
Far-reaching singleness of that wide stare

Is a reminder of the strength and pain
Of being young; that it can't come again,
But is for others undiminished somewhere.
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  #11  
Old 3rd July 2014, 20:10
Tembo Tembo is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by lwats80
I went to university and although it taught me to be independent it made my SA a lot worse. I felt very isolated and was miserable for 4 years. I didn't make any new friends, join social clubs or any of that. Hated classes as we were practically forced to participate in class discussions. I was even hauled in front of the head of the department and lectured about how important sharing my ideas were with others. I hated it!
I don't regret it as such but perhaps I would have done it a bit differently. I know a few people with similar experiences. Don't regret it, trust me you're not missed much. The reality is very different to the popular (media led) image of what university is actually like.
Hope you don't mind me posting here as I'm under 30 lol, but just wanted to add to this post.

I also went to university (finished just last May). It has improved my independence, and in some ways my SA is better. However, in some ways my SA is also worse, as well as other mental issues. I have made a few friends, although I think i'll only keep in contact with one as the others seem quite indifferent towards me - they will easily just make new friends elsewhere.

I did manage to try some new things. Never thought I'd ever get drunk, but I did. However, I never did many things which other students did, such as clubbing, drugs, sleeping around (although I wouldn't have wanted to try the latter two, as ending up in hospital or getting an STD doesn't appeal to me). I would have wanted to join a social club, but they were all sports based. I still spent far too much time stuck in my room, as I struggled to get along with others.

My point is, if you regret not going to university, don't worry as its not as amazing as many people make out. I would still recommend people try university, as it does give you a chance of improving SA and confidence etc, but its still very hard to achieve, and I didn't improve myself as much as I'd liked. I do sometimes wonder if I would have improved better if I went in to the real world and got a job after sixth form. I certainly don't feel like I'm an adult and prepared for life ahead.
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Old 3rd July 2014, 21:21
Belinda Belinda is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moksha
I can very much relate to this post. My 20s were also a write off. I did an MA at 32 and tried to sort of live the life I should have lived in my late teens/ early 20s. At times I felt a little silly and at times a little depressed. But I am glad I did it. There was one seminar with an amazing, eccentric professor who was a spell-binding talker. I also liked a few of the people in that seminar and used to arrive early just to chat. Those seminars were held every Tuesday morning at 9:00am and were the highlight of my week. Pathetic really. I studied English Lit and psychoanalysis and, though it was pretty useless from a career point of view, it did fill my mind with wonderful language and ideas- a place I can always retreat into. Also, most Universities are now full of mature students, so you may be pleasantly surprised.

I share that feeling of regret over lost parents. My father died in my arms when I was 30, and I know I was a huge disappointment to him. He really wanted the kind of son who went out with lots of girls, had loads of mates, got into scrapes etc. Instead he got a shy, introverted bookworm unable to work, living at home and virtually friendless. My social phobia and physical withdrawal from the world hurt, baffled, worried and embarrassed him, though he was always loving and loyal. Social phobia wrecked my relationship with him. And I share that feeling that any success is meaningless now. I suppose what I really want is to be 18 again and prove friends and family wrong, to go away to University and have a sense of achievement: being independent, living away from home, making new friends, experimenting with drugs and sex etc. I felt worthless when I was 18 and had the self-esteem of an anorexic 13 year old girl. Because I never went out when at my sixth form, I also felt humiliated- like everyone was talking about me and laughing at me. Going away to University would have proved them all wrong and meant so, so much. If I could have done it, I would have come home at xmas like a new man. But once you are into your 30s no one really cares any more. It is the new generation who count. There is a great line in a Philip Larkin poem, where he writes of how "attention passes always to the young". He also wrote a couple of stanzas that nearly killed me when I first read them. He describes groping back to bed in the early hours and looking up at the moon:

One shivers slightly, looking up there.
The hardness and the brightness and the plain
Far-reaching singleness of that wide stare

Is a reminder of the strength and pain
Of being young; that it can't come again,
But is for others undiminished somewhere.
I thought this post was really moving as I'm dealing with the loss of my parents too. My experience seems quite markedly different though as my parents were both quite eccentric. I think my Dad just wanted me to read widely and have a curious and critical outlook- he didn't really care if I didn't 'do' anything as long as I did a lot of reading and thinking. Which suited me just fine. No wonder I turned out a bit peculiar though. I think the only thing I 'regret' is that my parents aren't alive. Sigh.

Sorry to quote your entire post, Moksha. I just didn't really feel like chopping it up.
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Old 3rd July 2014, 21:43
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by Belinda
I thought this post was really moving as I'm dealing with the loss of my parents too. My experience seems quite markedly different though as my parents were both quite eccentric. I think my Dad just wanted me to read widely and have a curious and critical outlook- he didn't really care if I didn't 'do' anything as long as I did a lot of reading and thinking. Which suited me just fine. No wonder I turned out a bit peculiar though. I think the only thing I 'regret' is that my parents aren't alive. Sigh.

Sorry to quote your entire post, Moksha. I just didn't really feel like chopping it up.
No need to apologize Belinda. And thank you.

I'm sorry to hear you are finding it tough to cope. I don't know what I'm going to do when my mother dies- no one ever loves you so completely as your parents.
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Old 23rd January 2015, 11:52
Mo34 Mo34 is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Yes I have loads of regrets, I try not to think about it to much as I think it would push me ever nearer to the nervous breakdown that I sometimes fear looms in front me.
I go through periods of being furious with my parents for creating a lot of the issues I now have and that I was let down by so many ppl as a kid. My parents threw away so much opportunity that was placed there way. I regret not getting help when I was a teenager, or telling someone what was really going on in my head. The daily terror, particularly of school.

I regret like others not going to uni, though (foolishly perhaps) I'm still considering it. I regret avoiding long term relationships in the past which would have changed my life, but I couldn't cope at the time and the inequality between myself and the person/s in questions would and could have never worked out.

I'm very conscious of late of my age and of time slipping away, and of health and death. When lying in an hospital bed awaiting bowel surgery a few years ago, all I could think about was how I meant nothing to anyone and if I was to die it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to a single soul on the planet. I can safely say I have never felt so utterly stripped bare to the bone of aloneness and the sheer terror of it when you face it with no filters.

I'm aware of probably never being married, having kids, of being a part of something. I regret the time I've wasted, much of it has been due to my own foolishness and cowardice. Of late I think of the past a great deal (esp of places & times where I was happy and 'normal') and get stupidly tearful of it all, because if fate had been a bit kinder things could have taken a different course and by default I may have turned out to be a better person.
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Old 23rd January 2015, 13:21
meinemonkey meinemonkey is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

sounds so familiar

i feel like i have missed out on so much and i get myself quite frustrated that that times been and gone and i've wasted so many years whilst everyone else (it seems) has gone through uni and had such amazing experiences, living away from home, making friends, life experience, managing responsibilities, holidays, nights out, then moving up the career ladder, earning more money, having nice homes, long term relationships, children etc..

everything i wanted and look back on and think, what was i doing with my life?

im starting to get things together now, so i feel like im where everyone else was at 12 years ago..... and no matter how much i want those same experiences ill never have them and i get very very frustrated at myself trying to play catchup, knowing that if things carry on this way ill always be at least a decade behind people my own age. and that scares me in terms of security for the future now.

if i could go back today, i would and id give myself the support and direction i severely lacked. sadly its not going to happen so i have to try and plod on and make the best of things.

like you say, others have it far worse, but it seems like 99% of people have had it so much better....
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Old 23rd January 2015, 17:44
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mo34


I'm very conscious of late of my age and of time slipping away, and of health and death. When lying in an hospital bed awaiting bowel surgery a few years ago, all I could think about was how I meant nothing to anyone and if I was to die it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to a single soul on the planet. I can safely say I have never felt so utterly stripped bare to the bone of aloneness and the sheer terror of it when you face it with no filters. .
I found your post very moving mo I have often wondered how I shall behave and feel when I am in such a position. I remember Andrew Motion saying once that he looks forward to death as he is certain it is the complete end and that on the whole he will be glad to be rid of life. People often say such things in times of depression and loneliness, yet when confronted by annihilation the survival instinct kicks in. But Motion really was close to death once and said he didn't feel at all afraid (to his surprise), just relieved. Right now I would fight for life as I have to look after my mother. But when she has gone and I am old and alone I shouldn't imagine I'll put up much resistence. And if I do it will be out of simple cowardice and physical fear...fear of the grave etc. The one thing I want to avoid is bitterness. Regret is bad enough, but bitterness and a feeling of being unfairly treated by fate can eat you up. The problem with regret is that, like guilt, nothing can be done about it. You can never go back and have another try.
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Old 24th January 2015, 15:04
lone*star lone*star is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Most of us probably experience feelings of regret from time to time about certain events that happened/didn't happen in our past. But here's where a lot people then go wrong: they then take personal responsibility for those events, as though they had the power to have done things differently at the time, and could therefore have changed the course of history. They didn't!

You could only have altered those past events if you can alter the present moment, since those events from the past were - then - the present moment. So that leads to the question, can you change the present moment? And the answer, surprisingly for many people, is no. If you try to change the present moment, you'll always be too late - it will already have gone before you get there! You could never be fast enough to change it, because by the time you've even perceived it, it has already happened.

So if you can't change the present moment, then how could you have changed those past events? Many people looking at my own life for example, would probably say (privately at least) that it has been somewhat wasted. Despite being reasonably intelligent and physically able, I've never done a great deal, never been to many exotic places, had many friends or been married/had kids etc; nor had a good career or achieved much success in any area of life. But do I have any regrets?

None whatsoever. Because I realise that I don't have control over any of that - life just happens on its own - and life is far bigger, faster and more intelligent than I will ever be! Having regrets about the past therefore, as well as likely being damaging mentally, would simply be completely futile. I would rather live in the present, which ultimately is the only place we can live.
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  #18  
Old 27th January 2015, 23:00
nice dream nice dream is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

I'm actually in your position right now.

I'm in the third year at my local university which I have hated from day one. It's drab and not very good. I have the opportunity to move out and start the year over, at Nottingham or Royal Holloway. It's an opportunity I will never have again, and a part of me desperately wants to do it even if it only means I will have no regrets. My parents seriously want me to stay where I am and just finish, but the thought of going to the graduation and pretending to be happy makes me feel utterly miserable inside. I just don't know what to do. I also fear that once I graduate I will be back on the doll, since I have had no 'real life experience' and I have always closed myself off at home in my room. Signing on for many years was a way for me to avoid the real world.

I am someone who finds it very hard to make decisions at the best of times. If you were in my situation right now, would you move out or would you take the sensible option?
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Old 27th January 2015, 23:17
Silent Ninja Silent Ninja is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

I regret my whole life so far, wish I had gone to school more, went on to further education, then university, met a great bunch of friends and the "woman of my dreams", graduated, found a great job and that I was now living a wonderful and fulfilled life married to said woman.


Or more realistically I just regret not trying to find a nice new job years ago, because now I feel trapped in what is a rather crappy job with a bunch of rather crappy people (except for the new girl, I don't know her that well yet).
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Old 28th January 2015, 00:13
anxiouslondoner anxiouslondoner is offline
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Default Re: Coping with regret

Regrets are useless, they will only make you unhappy. One day you will regret regretting everything you regretted, when you could have been trying to make the most of what you do have now.
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Old 28th January 2015, 09:25
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Default Re: Coping with regret

The only two things I can offer that I find helpful, are:

1. you can use regrets to spur you on to not want any more regrets and to change things

2. self compassion and kindness help, berating ourselves for the mistakes we made is simply cruel and not something we would do to anyone else, only ourselves. Try to realise that you did the best you could with the struggles you had, and that the important thing is to let it go and work on what you do now.
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  #22  
Old 28th January 2015, 17:50
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Essex
Posts: 3,607
Default Re: Coping with regret

Quote:
Originally Posted by nice dream
I'm actually in your position right now.

I'm in the third year at my local university which I have hated from day one. It's drab and not very good. I have the opportunity to move out and start the year over, at Nottingham or Royal Holloway. It's an opportunity I will never have again, and a part of me desperately wants to do it even if it only means I will have no regrets. My parents seriously want me to stay where I am and just finish, but the thought of going to the graduation and pretending to be happy makes me feel utterly miserable inside. I just don't know what to do. I also fear that once I graduate I will be back on the doll, since I have had no 'real life experience' and I have always closed myself off at home in my room. Signing on for many years was a way for me to avoid the real world.

I am someone who finds it very hard to make decisions at the best of times. If you were in my situation right now, would you move out or would you take the sensible option?
It is easy to say "go for it" and "follow your dreams", but the truth is if I had my life over and had a second chance I would do the same things. What I really wish is not that I could go back in time but that I could go back and not be socially anxious/ avoidant. Nottingham and Holloway are very good unis, but they are also going to be full of bright, confident, public school types. I can see your predicament. Personally I wish I had gone away to uni (surrey or kent were the best I could have hoped for) and gritted my teeth and stuck it out. Even if it had been hell at least I would have lived a normal life and could then have moved on. I am fixated in my teenage years and can't seem to grow up. I keep thinking I am still 19 when in fact I am 38. I never had the chance to develop and grow (to self-realize as the analysts put it). I feel stunted and twisted by SA.

But I suspect I would have had a break down. Maybe not though. I shall never know now. If I were in your position, feeling the way I do, I would not go. My SA is so bad that I would crack up. But if you feel it is realistic, I mean really, truly possible to go and endure it and even make friends, then I would say definitely try. Your SA might not be as bad as mine.
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