#151
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
I need to stop acting like a twat and upsetting people. I've found avoiding people is the best way to deal with that. The better option would probably be to learn to control my emotions better but I've never been able to make much progress with that. I feel like I have made progress in some ways, but that has involved avoiding close relationships. I can't help but see it as a good thing because it's not fair that others should have to deal with my behaviour.
This is where I'm different to a lot of people with SA, because a lot of them are genuinely nice people whereas I'm an absolute nightmare to deal with and am constantly falling out with people. I was on medication but I stopped taking it due to weight gain and it was making me feel tired constantly. |
#152
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
It's not intentional, but I do realise that I do it, I don't lack self-awareness at all. I'm a needy, histrionic, attention seeker, but not in the loud extroverted way you normally associate with that kind of behaviour. I'm very insecure and needy and I always feel like I need to impress but it's never good enough and I'm just faking it. I can get quite nasty with people at times because of it and I get into a lot of arguments. I think I go out of the way to make people hate me to prove to myself that I'm am awful person. I get a lot of mood swings, I can be someone's best mate one day but their worst enemy the next. I've got a reputation for being very erratic and unpredictable.
Understandably most people I meet don't like me. The people who try and help me are the ones I am treat the worst to be honest. It all stems from insecurity rather than a genuine dislike of people, but that's no excuse. The worst thing about it is that I'm fully aware of my behaviour and how wrong it is, but I don't know why I do it. It's like an addiction, I know that it's not good but I don't seem able to change it into something more positive. When I'm calm I can look at things more rationally but if something has triggered me emotionally I lose control of it all. I think even my posts on here reflect this. A lot of what I say is clearly ridiculous and I realise it myself. I think it's because I want to express myself but I don't know how to do it in a healthy way. I'm getting better at recognising when I'm acting out and trying to reign it in. I'm a lot more self-aware than I used to be. I feel like I am trying, but it's not something where I can assess a past mistake and not do it again. I find it very hard to control my emotions and I find if I get to a certain point all rational thinking goes completely out the window and I feel completely out of control. |
#153
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
I don't mean to come across as a attention seeker but I always end up doing stupid things , I have this love and hate with people. I can't stand them one minute, I block them, unblock them how pathetic am I... Anyone else like that?
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#155
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
Sometimes I’m like that with my sister Mellie, we don’t have the best relationship and she drives me mad so I block her and then unblock her again at the minute she’s seriously close to being blocked again.
I think most people think I’m boring and don’t like me, I don’t mind though because I no I’m not a nice person so it doesn’t bother me anymore. |
#158
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
^ I don't send lots of texts because I only have two contacts in my phone, so not a lot of people to talk to really, it's good you have friends though they can help you through.
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#160
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
Starting to think that my social skills might not be that bad, and my huge fear of rejection and abandonment is the real problem.
I spend far too much time trying to think of increasingly bizarre and outlandish reasons why people must hate me. I'd probably have much better relationships with others if I stopped pushing them away. |
#161
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
^ I've been thinking this a lot for quite some time now.
My fear of rejection and abandonment effects me in so many ways and for so long, I just want to scream "**** off" at it. |
#162
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
All my anxieties and insecurities stem from that fear. Literally everything, it all comes down to that. I've completely isolated myself because of it, and now I feel more abandoned than ever but it's all my own doing. My logic is that if I never get close to anyone, no one can hurt me. I find it the hardest thing in the world to challenge, I'd rather come up with stupid excuses as to why I can't. If I try to open up I will get hurt, there's no maybe about it.
Look after yourself, no one deserves to feel like this. |
#163
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Re: Borderline Personality Disorder
^ I relate to you completely. Out of all my MH symptoms, this fear is the one constant that's been forever present throughout my life, it's the one thing that I can't see myself getting over. It does make sense to me why I have this fear as I did suffer brutal rejections and abandonment as a child.
Though, I'm a bit of an anomaly in the sense that I've managed to hold a long term relationship with my partner, every therapist I've been under has asked me "you fear rejection and abandonment, but you've managed to be in a relationship for years. What makes this relationship different?". The answer to that question is for a different thread, but it hasn't been easy. All I know is that I've left every single job I've had over the years for reasons that had nothing to do with the job and everything to do with the fear of rejection/abandonment (and attachment) that I get around work colleagues. It makes sense as outside of my family, work is where I spend most of my social interactions. I also struggle to maintain the persona I put on in an attempt to make people not hate me. It's all very exhausting. Look after yourself too. Reading your posts, you've always come across as a genuinely nice person, very interesting, and witty as f'k... and someone deserving of the kind of relationships with others that you want. |