In a pretty desperate situation right now

bluemaus · #1 27th July 2011, 12:40

Sorry guys, I'm just reeling this off as it comes to me.

I need to get away from home. I just can't take it anymore. Everything's just gone downhill since I quit my placement the other week due to SA.

My parents hate me because I'm "lazy" (in reality I have difficulty getting a job due to SA). My mum effectively talked me out of going back to uni this Sept because it seems "useless" if I can't get a job. I wasn't even given proper credit for doing this placement. I try my best at things but it's never good enough for anyone.

She blew up at me this morning. "You need to get a job if you're not going back" etc. "It's not just me who thinks [I'm lazy] - everyone else does too. I'll hold a family conference" or something. Conferences never happen here - not even when I was hospitalized because of depression. All I could say was "you're never there when I need support but always ready to knock me down", to which she replied "yeah". She hit me as I was leaving the room and starting screaming a load of crap at me "little sh*t" and suchlike.

The way I see it now is that she just wants me out so, so I've packed my bag and I'm trying to figure out somewhere to go. Problem is, I've got nowhere I can go. I need a hostel or something - I bet I wouldn't be able to go back to uni anyway because I bet my student loan couldn't be attributed to a place like that, and I'm apprehensive about staying at one because I've heard they're full of crackheads. I don't know what to do. I hate what I've become. Fml.

AnathemA · #2 27th July 2011, 13:06

I hope someone nearer to you can help you out.

catlover · #3 27th July 2011, 13:28

Bluemaus, sorry to hear of this.

Given the state of the economy and your SA difficulties (which I share), it's not surprising that you're having trouble finding a job.

I think what I might do in your situation is to make it very clear that I am trying my best. I would get up each morning, put on business-appropriate clothing, and go out to several businesses and ask for work. (I wouldn't have any expectation that I would actually find work, but I would be making a sincere effort.) Then, when I come home, I would tell my mum what I did, what businesses I visited, and what happened when I enquired about a job. Then I would try to do a few chores around the house, e.g., dusting, vaccuming, etc, without my mum asking.

In this way, I'd be showing my mum that she has the wrong idea about me.

In addition, I'd be helping myself, even if I didn't find a job, because the mere act of getting myself out of bed and doing something would be beneficial to my mental health.

Good luck!!!

bluemaus · #4 27th July 2011, 15:05

Thanks for the replies (and hugs). I'm sorry I had to post it.

To be honest catlover I've been applying all over for stuff. I just never get replies. I've got applications and stuff all over - and I always tell them where I'm applying and ask them what they think. I appreciate your suggestion though.

she doesn't even believe I have anxiety problems. She saw what an effect it has on me when I was coming home a wreck every night from my placement.

I just don't feel she should be attacking me over an issue which I'm actively trying to overcome. I've been to the doctors to try get help - no luck. I've tried to work and combat my SA via 'immersion' if you like - no luck. I'm honestly doing the best I can with what I've got and it's not enough.

Andrew I a bit paranoid too sometimes... but I mostly manage to avoid my neighbours... it doesn't help though that my mum loves to talk about 'the unemployed one' to anyone who listens.

Mr_Bean · #5 27th July 2011, 15:24

I think don't do anything rash- I mean usually sometimes people explode then may regret after. Is she concerned about keep or something? Maybe JSA could help. Otherwise if the situation doesn't improve over next week or so then maybe start looking into places.

bluemaus · #6 27th July 2011, 16:35

I don't know what her concerns are tbh. All I know is that she wants me to gtfo asap. I don't feel that safe here anymore.

JSA might not apply to me... I thought you had to be out of education for a certain period to qualify for it. I'm clocking 2 months, approx.

-Simon- · #7 27th July 2011, 17:02

As a parent, i always try to see the parents' side of these posts and I agree with catlover about doing chores around the house, it really does make a huge difference. That's not to say I'm not sympathetic towards your situation, I've been there myself a very long time ago and went through the same issues with my own daughters. I've workedin several hostels and you're right, they're best avoided unless you really have no other option. If it's at all possible to patch things up with your mum try that first, although it sounds like she needs to work on her attitude a bit. Is going back to uni really not an option? How about registering with an agency for temp work?

Toxic · #8 27th July 2011, 17:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluemaus

JSA might not apply to me... I thought you had to be out of education for a certain period to qualify for it. I'm clocking 2 months, approx.

I finished university last year..June 4th, i was claiming JSA by the 10th, not sure if its changed i just thought it would make sense to immediatly bring some money in while i struggled to find a job (which went terrible but yeah)

Mr. Nobody · #9 27th July 2011, 18:15

I think if you try and move out now without a job and without any great financial support then you could easily end up a lot worse off than you are now.
my parents were like this with me, especially my Father, but I was really determined to ride it out, dig my heels in and make sure I didn't end up in a far worse situation,..
you have to put your own health and well-being frst, I think a lot of parents just want you out the family home as quickly as possible and can often seem to be very heartless or tactless when going about it, but in the current situation I think you'd struggle even more if you added looking for accommodation to your current list of difficuilties,..

I think the suggestion for helping out more at home and putting on a show of being more business-like and pro-active on the employment front may help to abate your Mother's wrath over this, as would perhaps helping-out with chores at home.... it's a small price to pay for survival just now.

I was in this situation for a while and ended up in a really dead-end, low paid job, simply because I was pushed into it by my Father who had lost patience with me and my inability to cope with life and finding a job & finding a house etc. 18 years later I was still there,.. it's not an easy time of life with so many major decisions to be made, and not having friendly, loving support behind you, maybe your Mum is dishing out some "tough love" to force you into making a move on the job front ?

bluemaus · #10 27th July 2011, 19:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Binx

I have looked at volunteering - it can count as experience on you CV and is looked at favourably. I promise

I've been volunteering since June. I've found it beneficial in terms of getting out, getting involved with people etc. but I still qualify as lazy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by -Simon-

If it's at all possible to patch things up with your mum try that first, although it sounds like she needs to work on her attitude a bit. Is going back to uni really not an option? How about registering with an agency for temp work?

I'm scared to be in the same room as her right now. I'm not having her lashing out at me again. Tbh uni is the only place I feel I've got some actual value and I want to go back. Doesn't matter either way if I'm out on my arse because I can't pay my own tuition fees and the parents seem very unwilling to fill out the necessary finance stuff. I've always got to be on their case about it and I have no mental or physical energy for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toxic

I finished university last year..June 4th, i was claiming JSA by the 10th, not sure if its changed i just thought it would make sense to immediatly bring some money in while i struggled to find a job (which went terrible but yeah)

Thanks for the info. Maybe I misheard it from someone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alcoyne

maybe your Mum is dishing out some "tough love" to force you into making a move on the job front ?

I'm trying my best. I've applied for numerous jobs through summer. I tell her about the places I've applied. It's not my fault they don't reply. I need support not a fist.

Edit: Sorry if I come across as a bit snappy in these posts. Everything's just on top of me atm.

strange_paradox · #11 27th July 2011, 19:30

I was in a similar situation when I finished college. I was called lazy, nagged all the time for not bringing money in. They wanted me to get a job, ANY job no matter how unsuitable it was. I even lied about my college hours to make it sound like I was still studying for my course even though it ended.

Life at home was hell.

I'd just graduated with a 1st class degree but there was no work and I was being told to go down the local lumber yard to beg for a job. I went through a lot of crappy jobs like that. I worked in shops, picked mushrooms out of chicken shit with people who didn't have a brain cell between them. I worked as a waiter (for two days!), in factories. I even started training as a plumber. I delivered leaflets through doors. You name it I did it.

Then finally, after 18 months, a got a break and a decent paying job. I was able to get my own place - a little shithole flat but it was worth it to get away from the nagging. I can honestly saying that moving out of home was one of the most liberating things I ever did.

strange_paradox · #12 27th July 2011, 19:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluemaus

Edit: Sorry if I come across as a bit snappy in these posts. Everything's just on top of me atm.

You're going through the same thing that virtually every young person is going through these days. The liberalizing of the education system has convinced people that they can do whatever they want. They get pushed to get qualifications and when they get out into the world they find that everything's been taken.

It's not like it was in our parent's day when jobs were for life and were relatively plentiful. They don't understand this or they look upon the past with nostalgia. Add SA to the mix, a 'mental illness' and they become even more intransigent, assuming that you must simply be lazy or stupid.

I suffered through this too but I made it out and so can you. You must avoid the poverty trap that a lot of people fall into.

There's no easy answers. Don't move out unless you have somewhere to go. Just stay out from under your parent's feet and keep plugging away at those job applications.

This is one of several reasons why I would never, ever have children and I question why anyone would in this day and age

-Simon- · #13 27th July 2011, 21:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by strange_paradox

It's not like it was in our parent's day when jobs were for life and were relatively plentiful. They don't understand this or they look upon the past with nostalgia.

Dunno about that, I'm 46 and they were some grim times to be looking for work back in the 80s. Like you, I did all sorts of shit jobs just to put wine on the table (and food sometimes), desperation teaches you some tough lessons.

catlover · #14 28th July 2011, 01:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluemaus

I'm trying my best. I've applied for numerous jobs through summer. I tell her about the places I've applied. It's not my fault they don't reply. I need support not a fist.

Edit: Sorry if I come across as a bit snappy in these posts. Everything's just on top of me atm.

No worries, and kudos to you for making the effort to find work, and for letting your mum know that you're doing so.

I'm not really sure what to suggest; it sounds like a difficult situation. But unless you fear for your physical safety I'd probably try to stick it out at home until you can find a job and/or get funding for your schooling. Good luck!!

Leif Erikson · #15 28th July 2011, 11:07

You can always speak to the Student Support Officer at your uni if you really want to go back - print off this thread if you like x

bluemaus · #16 28th July 2011, 11:39

I noticed someone who had picked up on the main issue of my OP deleted her post.

I'm not trashing anyone here, but I agree with her thinking in a way - people are ok saying "do chores" or "keep out of people's way", but the fact is I spent all day out of the way yesterday. I had one semi-substantial meal all day because I couldn't face going downstairs. I can't live like this, being scared around my own family.

I hardly think that this is what every 18-25 year old is going through. Not to mention I entered education out of choice, and I feel pretty crushed now that choice has been taken away (especially considering I've done 2/3 of the work already).

strange_paradox · #17 28th July 2011, 12:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by -Simon-

Dunno about that, I'm 46 and they were some grim times to be looking for work back in the 80s. Like you, I did all sorts of shit jobs just to put wine on the table (and food sometimes), desperation teaches you some tough lessons.

My parents are in their late 50s so I'm really referring to the 60s/70s. My grandfather got a job for life right out of school. My mother had similar opportunities.

Leif Erikson · #18 29th July 2011, 11:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cillian Murphy

I don't really have any useful advice to offer, but i relate to some of what you've said and i'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. I've felt similar things before. I hope you can get through this, all the best.

Ditto

bluemaus · #19 29th July 2011, 16:15

^^ Thank you both. Also thanks to the peeps who have sent me PMs and texts. I really appreciate it.

An update. The atmosphere still seems a bit icy, but it's calmer than Wednesday. Tbh I think I might still end up crashing on someone's couch for a couple of days. I'm going to wait and see what things are like when I come back from volunteering tomorrow.

blubs · #20 29th July 2011, 21:02

I've been through what you're going through now, a long time a go now. I had very bad sa which didn't really become apparent until I tried to go to uni & live on my own. Without my old friends I just couldn't manage. I dropped out, did a number of dead end jobs & was bullied at work, my sa grew & I got into this horrible spiral of 'failing' loosing confidence & 'failing' at something else. All the while being criticised & pressurised by my parents, particularly my mum.

It took a good relationship (with my now husband) & his family to teach me that some people can be happy knowing you for who you are, not what you do. Your parents may be stressed about your future, but lord give you some credit...so are you! You are damned right you should get support, not abuse.

Your mum's attitude is making things harder for you, making you feel bad about yourself when you need help with your confidence. Try to ignore her & find support elsewhere to sort out your options. If you feel desperate enough to want to go to a hostel, then maybe you should think about moving out? Not to a hostel, but maybe a shared house/bedsit? Where you only have to answer to yourself....& try & build your life up without having people around you knocking you back down.