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#1
24th February 2021, 18:30
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If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Be honest. Personally, I am too afraid. SO many things could hurt them that I'd live in a state of constant terror. I don't think I'd ever sleep again.
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#2
24th February 2021, 18:50
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
The earth is already over-populated,
Plus, I never hooked up with anyone who wanted children, Children are amazing though, they change your life for the good, forever. They cost a lot financially obviously, I think it's becoming a very expensive business, what with I-Phones, PS4's kids clubs, nursery, food, clothes, you name it. But every parent I know is happy to do it, wouldn't change it for the world, and is better for it,.. They say your life is never the same again, so it's obviously a big decision
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#3
24th February 2021, 19:04
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
There are lots of reasons, so it's difficult to say what the main one is. Probably lack of freedom, I suppose. I have this to some extent with my cats. E.g. I can go on holiday at relatively short notice if I want to, but there's still the mild inconvenience of booking a cattery or arranging for someone to come over to feed them. Having had a taste of that with my cats, I understand that having something I wouldn't be able to pass on so easily (a human child) in order to be away from home would be a thousand times worse, especially since I have no family near me. If I want to play video games all night long or read in silence or mess around online for hours or do things at short notice, I can do and I love being able to do so. The benefit of having children (whatever that's apparently supposed to be) has never sounded like it was worth giving up the ability to do what I want when I want to do it.
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#4
24th February 2021, 19:10
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I’ve known that I don’t want kids since I was a kid myself. I just don’t understand the mindset of anyone who wants any. I can’t think of a single reason to have them but I can think of a million reasons not to.
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#5
24th February 2021, 20:25
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
No-one has ever wished to reproduce with me.
Also, I don't think we're approaching a good time in human history; I can see life being somewhat bleak for the future generations and I don't want to submit anyone to that. Also, I'm kind of a mess, and anyone with my genes would probably share that. I love my nephew, he's the best nephew ever. Even if I haven't been able to see him for over a year now. But I'm happy for my sister and her husband to do all the grown-up parenting stuff and I can just be the silly uncle who comes to visit a few times a year. Hopefully, once things are less covidy.
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#6
24th February 2021, 20:53
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Too Selfish like my free time & money too much
Not interested in the commitment. I could also say the opportunity has never seriously popped up, it was vaguely brought up in a previous relationship and I wanted to nose dive out the nearest window. I will edit this - I reckon if I had a sibling who had some I wouldn't mind playing the uncle card occasionally (bonus - I can hand them back) - I don't despise children, I just don't want my own!
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#7
24th February 2021, 20:59
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
- I've not been with someone who wants them
- No interest (so the above is kinda moot, anyway) - No patience - No money/inadequate income/conditions to raise them - I like peace and quiet + time for myself (= I'm too selfish?) - I'm too introverted - I'm too self-concious + have some mental health issues - I never know what to say to kids - I have to talk to them almost as if they were adults - I would worry they might inherit my traits or grow up like me - The world is over-populated and the future of humanity is in serious doubt - I would spend my remaining life worrying about their future - Life sucks much of the time - why would I want to expose another to this by choice? - Lots of other reasons I'm sure I can't think of right now... Good old Philip Larkin had some thoughts on this subject (shocker!): https://russellboyle.wordpress.com/2...philip-larkin/ But elsewhere, he also lamented: "To have no son, no wife, No house or land still seemed quite natural. Only a numbness registered the shock Of finding out how much had gone of life, How widely from the others."
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#9
24th February 2021, 21:14
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
The sheer awfulness of life itself. OK, there are good bits, but for most people it's painful and difficult, and it usually ends in horror. I'd never inflict life on anything, not even a dog or a cat. Schopenhauer nailed it 200 years ago.
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#10
24th February 2021, 22:25
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
The main reason is that you can't pause them when things get stressful. The combination of sleep deprivation, overwhelming responsibility and guilt over getting things wrong/imperfections would be too difficult. Plus dogs are better and cuter.
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#11
24th February 2021, 22:28
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
^^ I often wonder if new parents ever look at their baby and feel guilty. When you think how much trauma and pain the average person experiences, it seems almost wicked to bring a child into the world. I guess people repress such thoughts.
I know that vast majority of parents say they underestimated how tough it would be. I believe an anonymous survey was once carried out in which X number of mothers were asked if they regretted having kids. Apparently, they were shocked by how many said they did. I think it was something like 70%. But it’s one of those taboo subjects. If you were to post something on Mumsnet about regretting having kids, I bet you’d be shocked by the venom and rage.
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#12
24th February 2021, 23:01
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I would be surprised if a lot of parents regret having kids. Yes for sure some would but I would have been surprised if it was over 30%, very surprised.
I wish I had kids but it wouldn't be fair to the kids in my current situation. Which brings me on to something I feel very strongly about the older I have got. I think there are many parents who are way too immature or are in no fit state to be bringing kids into the world. Let me use this analogy, if there was a situation in a war where it was imperative to hold the line against the enemy. If you were putting yourself forward for that duty you have to understand the responsibility and reasoning why you are doing it and that the task has ramifications beyond yourself. Some for whatever reasons may not be best suited for that, or up to the task and that's understandable, but it should be left for someone else then. I think to an extent parenting is the same. Some parents have that natural die for their kids attitude, or they fully understand that they are bringing a child into the world and they have to pass their knowledge or the right wisdom to their child to help them survive and become a solid member of society. I think there are far too many parents who just aren't parent material from that aspect. I think a lot of parents are selfish and/or they don't have the wisdom to pass on. Which can have devastating effects on children. I feel this way regarding my own upbringing.
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#13
24th February 2021, 23:24
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Quote:
Wishing you hadn’t had kids isn’t the same as not loving them. If those same women had been asked a follow up question, “do you love your children?,†probably 90-95% would have said “yes,†if not 100%. I bet therapists hear the same thing day in day out, “I love my kids, but I HATE being a parent.â€
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#14
24th February 2021, 23:55
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Quote:
Here's one example: https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_be...et-having-kids
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#15
25th February 2021, 00:01
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Most people don't think life is terrible though, do they? It has it's terrible bits, but on the whole I imagine most think it's pretty alright. Amongst all the bad stuff there is still a lot to enjoy in life, and I think the average person tries to get as much enjoyment as they can out of the little things. I think there are a lot more people who spend there free time chuckling along to Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow then there are who sit in a dark room reading Sartre whilst contemplating the futility of their existence. Very few people achieve great things, but I think the majority are quite content with their simple little lives.
I couldn't cope with having children, but I'm in awe at those who do. The amount of hard work and sacrifice that goes into it is incredible. I can't even look after myself properly, so to have the responsibility of looking after someone else would be terrifying. I've got a lot of respect for those who do.
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#16
25th February 2021, 00:09
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I remembered earlier today that I haven't watered my two plants for a while... they seem OK, it's hard to tell, but I'm probably not the most reliable person to even be in charge of an animal, never mind a human. Though TBF they would both probably do a better job of reminding me that they need feeding.
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#17
25th February 2021, 12:36
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
It's interesting how often the word "selfish" comes up in these discussions. It doesn't ever feel right to me. Even someone who highly values their interests, time and money would almost certainly give all that up to prioritise the needs of their child if they found themselves with one, since the instinct to do so is biological. You can't really be selfish about a situation that doesn't exist though. Letting a baby scream in another room while you turn the volume up on your television because you value finishing an episode of Eastenders over the welfare of your child would be being selfish. Not having a child because you'd rather watch Eastenders in peace for the rest of your life can't be selfish because the context in which it could be doesn't exist. "Selfish" suggests doing something for yourself despite others.
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#18
25th February 2021, 13:01
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I think having kids or not having kids can be selfish, in the most literal sense of the word, meaning for your own benefit. That doesn't mean that it adds or detracts from anyone else's happiness. Someone who doesn't have kids because they don't want to look after them is literally thinking of themselves, as much as someone who reproduces to enjoy seeing their midget clones run around the place.
I wouldn't say that choosing not to have kids is selfish in some higher way, as if all potential children have a right to be born and exist, and that viewpoint if taken to extremes would lead to some rather radical and frowned-on behaviour.
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#19
25th February 2021, 13:27
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Quote:
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#20
25th February 2021, 13:43
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I do feel for those where it's been due to fertility challenges and not their decision. Especially if mental health or other circumstances could hinder adoption or fostering.
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#21
26th February 2021, 09:45
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Quote:
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#22
26th February 2021, 15:24
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I agree.
No doubt that some people have chosen because they wanted to, but not only that they are entirely sure they have made the right choice and are happy with it. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I am being judged negatively for not 'joining the club' so to speak. It seems slightly unfair to judge them back. One thing is that even if you had kids and regretted it, what good does it do anyone involved by admitting it? If it was me in that position I don't think there is much choice but to ignore the feelings and try to do the best for your kids.....
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#23
26th February 2021, 18:40
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Adding to the "I'm too selfish" vote here. But honestly, I am far too selfish to have children, I know that I would be bitter at having to give up stuff that I want to do to ferry sprogs to swimming, football brownies etc. I would balk at how much French exchanges and school trips to see some Shakespeare would cost when I could have spent that on shoes for me and I would generally just be a terrible parent. I don't have anywhere near enough patience either, toddlers do stuff like draw on walls and spill boxes of rice/cornflakes/lego all over the place and I just couldn't smile and get on with my day in the face that.
I know I'll regret it later though when noone comes to visit me in my old folks home.
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#24
26th February 2021, 22:14
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Oof, there's quite a few.
First main reason: felt defective and like I shouldn't breed. Really. Yes, this thought happened when I was not in a happy mental state, but it was such a strong gut feeling that it stuck with me. Tbf I wasn't super maternal to begin with. Perhaps if I'd been happier it would be different. Second main reason: never sorted my life or my head out. When I hit my mid 30s in a state of general despondency about how my life was going, and some panic, I decided the number one thing I have always, consistently wanted, and now wanted more than ever, was to live on my own, chill, have peace and quiet, potter about in my own damn kitchen being able to make dinner when I wanted, not having to talk to anyone if I didn't want, and just be myself in peace. Very modern, I know, and not very compatible with child having. Thus this became the Plan. I did think of abandoning the plan from time to time, I won't lie. (The only problem now is I got despondent not far from the finish line, so ffs. My motivation is in the toilet, and I only need another chunk of cash.) It's entirely possible I just hate myself, ofc. Basically, I'm not the sort of person who would move forward if I'm feeling guilt or misgivings, and I had a heap of those. I do regret not being able to make decisions from a place of clarity and strength. Re the 70s research, don't forget that in that time, married women would have been under enormous pressure to have children, it was absolutely expected, and marriage rates were very high in the mid century. Also, I think you need to ask people ten years or more in; it's understandable you might regret it after a nuclear bomb has just gone off in your life, which you exploded yourself, and you haven't adjusted. Obviously people do regret it, men seem to be more likely to do so or perhaps they are more likely to admit it. It seems more common when a previously childfree person gets persuaded into it in spite of their misgivings, being told, it's different when it's your own, and then they are like, eh, I love my kid but I liked my life better before.
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#25
27th February 2021, 16:03
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Because I don't WANT to. It's not that I dislike children generally or think that other people shouldn't but it's just of for me, for all the reasons listed above and more.
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#26
27th February 2021, 16:15
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
Quote:
I also don't think there is enough of an honest conversation generally about what pregnancy, childbirth and being a parent is really like. I've lost count of the number of people I've heard say "why didn't anyone tell me about such and such" or "I never realised such and such could happen".
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#27
27th February 2021, 16:30
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
^ What I meant was the amount of people generally regretting having their children (but as someone said above not necessarily not loving them) seems higher than people might expect. But the circumstances that they're in seem to contribute a lot to that regret, if they were in a supportive partnership or they had help from family or more options for childcare etc etc then maybe they would feel differently.
There are also people who say something along the lines of "I thought i wasn't meant to be a parent, I had one child and found that I was right, so I'm just doing the best I can and taking steps to make sure I definitely don't have any more."
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#29
27th February 2021, 17:08
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
^ I'm not, I'm saying these people have these feelings, they exist.
Yes, ofcourse the person it's worst of all for is the child, so the more open discussion there is on this and the less people having children when they don't really want to the better.
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#30
27th February 2021, 18:08
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Re: If you've decided not to have kids, what's the main reason?
I dont believe its that common.
But if it is? thats extremely concerning for the kids (obviously) and the fact that people are having or making the decision to have kids when they feel that way after. Its a bit like that saying of a dog being for life not just for Christmas. You would think this goes without saying but perhaps not, and perhaps it needs to be said more.
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