tell lies

[Winnie57]

Originally Posted by Oatmeal

and I shot that horse after Winnie said she was so hungry she could eat one

It was too much for me actually so I decided to freeze the rest. I plan to hold a barbecue for the whole street with horse burgers as the speciality.

[Oatmeal]

I can never go back to that racing track, which is a shame because I used to love a splendid day at the races with those little binoculars on a stick.

[Kevin Hodge]

my stomach is fit for purpose

[Winnie57]

A&E is a great place for a night out.

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Winnie57

A&E is a great place for a night out.

i agree, i had a great time there a wee while ago at 4am, getting my ear sewn back together.

[Mr. Spaceman]

Scientists in Sweden have established beyond doubt that the "internet meme" is the funniest thing ever devised by man.

[Oatmeal]

Click "Like" on this entry and you will be helping raise money for the "make the world a better place" fund!

[Kevin Hodge]

as you can see from my post count, most of the posts on this forum were made by me. as most of the users on here are too shy to post anything, over the years i have degenerated to the point of maintaining simultaneous conversations with myself on a range of topics, often whilst obsessively licking my forearm, scratching my left cheek or frantically rubbing a mixture of sugar and turps into my gums.

some of my opening lines from 2006 were the start of conversations i am still having with myself. i often wake panicking in the night, telling myself that there are at least some other posters and that its not all me under different names, but in my panic i cant really evaluate whether i am being honest with myself.


one thing i have noticed is that noone ever posts in a language i dont know, and i frequently experience deja vu reading other people's posts.

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Mr Spud

^ To be honest, that's an amazingly honest post. The torture you have gone through must be unbearable. By the way, am I one of you?

23:50...00.02...blacked out and burnt the toast...and whats this on my arm, some kind of lubricant? oh i need sleep

[Kevin Hodge]

does this arrangement give your life meaning, or take it away? i am so sorry if i dont be you often enough if anything i do feel slightly less self hate posting as you. lol funny the avatar i chose to represent you what does it say about me?

[Winnie57]

I'm expecting quintuplets - wish me luck!

[Oatmeal]

^ Sorry about that

[wowser]

At the age of 33 my boobs are still so perky I don't even have to wear a bra.

[Geoff]

I've gone right off Charlotte Hawkins and realised I fancy men instead.

[Kevin Hodge]

the secret of my vast reserves of "recreational income" is that i opened up a rival fish and chip shop in the unlikely hamlet where i was raised. aged only 5, this young entrepeneur had residents of the nearby village flocking to my premises, where i would prepare them fish and chip ready meals i purchased from the supermarket using money i syphoned from my 3 year-old brother's trust fund. this is also the secret of my aggressively-chiseled yet uber-aesthetic abs

[Kevin Hodge]

poltergeist can run the 100m in 7.49 seconds

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by wowser

At the age of 33 my boobs are still so perky I don't even have to wear a bra.

i am 33 too and thanks to recent weightloss my moobs are full of powdered milk

[Kevin Hodge]

every time someone avoids chewing a fruit pastille by allowing it to dissolve in their mouth, a fairy regains it virginity and gets a letter of apology from richard dawkins

[Mr. Spaceman]

Next week I will be embarking on a 48 date tour of the UK, bringing my own unique brand of observational stand-up comedy to the nation. Expect some surprises and some very special guests! Still a few tickets left, erm, quite a few in fact...

[Geoff]

I've decided to give up my job as conductor of the SAUK appreciation band. Since we all won the lottery and bought gold-plated instruments, our music wasn't appreciated as much because the instruments had a strange tinny sound to them. I've now decided to buy 84 boats, one for each of my Wives, and I plan to dig a new river leading from my mansion to the Lake District. If the rest of the band are willing, we'll dump the instruments and sing to people instead while standing on boards, towed by my 73rd boat.

[Kevin Hodge]

^ i've heard that if left unattended, blocks of ice will return to their scandinavian sanctuary. the small puddles and moisture left behind are consistent with them escaping under the power of advanced vehicles using hydrogen fuel cells

[Oatmeal]

Studies have confirmed that there are more characters named 'Lois' on TV and in films than there are women in the world who have that name, not just by ratio, but by actual individual count. The numbers draw even however, when you include all the drag personas who adopt the name, followed by a sassy surname.

[Oatmeal]

When scientists discovered that sub atomic particles behaved differently when observed (with the equipment necessary to observe sub atomic particles), they gave the following statement:
"All discoveries ever made by the scientific establishment are now officially void! Our experiment has proven beyond doubt that the human mind is not just the observer, but the creator of all reality and there are no such things as laws of physics beyond those that you imagine! We can now conclude that water carries emotion, and that native americans didn't see the europeans' ships heading for their land because they had no concept of a ship, and that the only reason you cannot fly like Superman is because you do not deeply believe that you can, because of the way that you were raised. These facts do not need evidence, as we have now proved that 'evidence' is merely a placebo that gives your mind the ability to create reality."

[Winnie57]

I have decided to sleep through the rest of September. I am therefore going to bed now and have commanded my cat to wake me up when September ends.

[NoteToSelf]

Monday means Tuesday in French.

[John]

I am not feeling depressed and deeply unhappy right now

[Apathy]

I am the world chess champion

[Tamara]

I felt ecstactic when my phone gave out the familiar"message received" signal
which stirred pleasant memories of secret meetings with my lover for10years plus-

revealed another bloody orange fund messsssssaaage - - -- - -- - -

[aVoice2use]

My problem is that I just cannot lie!

[Oatmeal]

Don't worry. I will teach you to lie.