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  #1  
Old 13th December 2006, 13:25
crimson~raven crimson~raven is offline
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Unhappy Shame

I am not sure if there is an answer to this or more I need an outlet? (sorry)

This is my main emotion at present and tbh for some time now I hate it and can't breathe under it.

I feel ashamed of having SA and OCD, of events that have happened to me in my past and me not having stood up for myself.

when I try to stand up for myself it all goes wrong, I told my mother I could no longer have her in my life as she refuses to talk about why she kicked me out aged 16. I have spent the last 10 years letting her walk all over me and when I started to stand up to her she didn't like it. My family took her side and am only just now having contact from them.

Basically it has been said to me that I was an emotionally difficult teenager (SA kind of stuff I wasn't violent or anything, one thing that was said by my grandma is I take things to heart to much)so I deserved to be kicked out. Which brings me back to the shame - that I am so bad a person that I deserve the bad things that happen. I feel less than a person that I am unworthy.

Sorry this post is a bit random I just have no one to talk to right now and I can't stop this shame spiral.

I guess there is guilt mixed up in this, that because of the SA and OCD, because of who I am that I cause nothing but problems for folk ***8211; which brings back the shame.

Thank you for reading sorry this is a weird post.
  #2  
Old 13th December 2006, 14:12
willow66 willow66 is offline
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Default Re: Shame

hey, i just read your email and i know i don't understand your family situation but surely you deserve an explanation for why you were kicked out? you shouldn't feel guilty about SA. I often feel ashamed for having SA and i feel that its something that is almost impossible to talk about even to close friends. But i think we shouldn't feel ashamed and guitly. You should live in the moment and not let the past get you down or make you feel weak. I have noone to talk to right now either. i'm actually surrounded by people in my college libary but none of them are my friends and i wouldn't have anything to speak about with them anyway. I also have had my family make me feel really guilty and ashamed but that's really their problem. Never let anyone make you hate yourself just because they dont understand you. Unless your a serial killer, you dont have anything more to feel ashamed of or guilty about than the average Joe:santa4:
  #3  
Old 13th December 2006, 14:29
SuGaR!* SuGaR!* is offline
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Default Re: Shame

thats so mean being kicked out for being to emotional, why would anyone think being hard on someone who's emotional is ok? Maybe she feels guilty for being so hard on you and that's why she wont talk about it. when people know they are wrong or doubt things they have done they tend get moody and ignore the situation. as for what you nan said about you taking things to personaly, i wouldn't listen to it to much, i'v been told this but its been after the person who said it has done something horrible to me, i think its a way to shed some of their guilt.

you should of been having support despite if it would be hard for your mum and your family, after all you are her son. dont feel ashamed about your self for having SA and OCD, they may limit you in some areas but you will be better in other ways. Its not your fault so don't blame yourself, you didnt ask to have OCD but it's up to you if you want to deal with it or not. sounds like you'v put up with alot so i guess you will cope just fine.
  #4  
Old 13th December 2006, 14:47
crimson~raven crimson~raven is offline
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Default Re: Shame

I don't know why I was kicked out as she won't talk about it, but my family seem to think that my having stop talking to her means that I have to do all the work to get our family back togther now. Like my mum has done nothing wrong and I can't figure if they are right that if I deserved it then I am scum and so should apologise to everyone and stop messing things up. I think it is me - I am to blame and I am tierd of feeling ashamed tired of loosing folk boyfriends, friends, family etc because there is something wrong with me.

Thank you for your replies (btw I am her daughter not son:embarass: ) would type more personal thank yous but my head just exploded.
  #5  
Old 13th December 2006, 14:52
SuGaR!* SuGaR!* is offline
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Default Re: Shame

awww lolol sorry im dyslexic so i prob read something wrong , like your name lol.
  #6  
Old 13th December 2006, 15:04
crimson~raven crimson~raven is offline
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Default Re: Shame

Not a problem x
  #7  
Old 13th December 2006, 15:04
Freespirit Freespirit is offline
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Default Re: Shame

Hi Crimson,

It is not a wierd post. I understand fully that sometimes things can be difficult to explain. Especially when you are trying to put a feeling into words, very difficult.

I think i know what you meen about feeling ashamed. I feel like this becuase i have SA and depression and also when i had a drink problem a few years ago. I just felt that i had let everyone down. I had always been described as the son that was going somewhere, doing well for myself, did well in school went to uni etc...so when i realised i had all these problems i was so deeply ashamed of them and i still am. I know my situation is probably alot different from yours but i just want to say i understand.

About your mum kicking you out the house, well i really do think it is on her to give you a reason. At 16 you are going through a very emotional stage of life and if you are having problems emotionally and/or mentally with things like SA you would expect support and understanding from your family. I know it's not always the case.

Erm...dunno if i have helped. Take care Dazza
  #8  
Old 13th December 2006, 17:20
crimson~raven crimson~raven is offline
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Default Re: Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by willow66
I often feel ashamed for having SA and i feel that its something that is almost impossible to talk about even to close friends. But i think we shouldn't feel ashamed and guitly. You should live in the moment and not let the past get you down or make you feel weak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuGaR!*
dont feel ashamed about your self for having SA and OCD, they may limit you in some areas but you will be better in other ways. Its not your fault so don't blame yourself, you didnt ask to have OCD but it's up to you if you want to deal with it or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freespirit
I think i know what you meen about feeling ashamed. I feel like this becuase i have SA and depression and also when i had a drink problem a few years ago. I just felt that i had let everyone down. I had always been described as the son that was going somewhere, doing well for myself, did well in school went to uni etc...so when i realised i had all these problems i was so deeply ashamed of them and i still am. I know my situation is probably alot different from yours but i just want to say i understand.

I guess that it blaming myself (ourselves) for this thing, gah I just feel as though this gives folk a right some how to turn their backs on me. Freespirit I understand the feeling of letting people down I dropped out of uni when things got bad and could only handle being around people if I had a few drinks.

Argh I***8217;m off to bang some sense it to this noodle of mine x

Thanks for the replies I can***8217;t figure this one out is there guilt to be had hopefully this will rectify itself.
  #9  
Old 13th December 2006, 17:55
RichieD RichieD is offline
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Default Re: Shame

I often to say to people, "everyone has an opinion".
The problem is that those of us who are more sensitive, who take things to heart, suffer more because of the ill thought out opinions of others.

That your immediate family would kick you out would indicate to me that they are not worthy of your time or effort.
I moved as far away from my family as soon as I could, through choice, because I was having such a dreadful time trying to live in the same environment. I realised that the only way that I could be me, and not some-one that other people thought I should be. I have never, ever, regretted it. It's taken many years, but my family now treat me like an adult - I've gone out and got everything for myself - house, job, family, and self-esteem (not 100% but hey, I'm working on it!).

I could never, ever have done this whilst I felt any obligation to my family.

This is just my opinion of course, but if I could give you one bit of advise, it's never to hang around people who hold you back or make you feel bad about yourself. Family or not. You are the most important person in your life, and the start of self respect comes from knowing that.

Sorry to preach - it makes me angry that family can be so heartless - brought a few bad memories up!
Incidentally I wouldn't bother asking for a reason as to why they kicked you out - it may not be the truth and in reality it ain't gonna change anything.

Rich
  #10  
Old 13th December 2006, 19:01
wobbly wobbly is offline
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Default Re: Shame

God you have my sympathy crimson~raven. I was kicked out at age 20 with my Dad dying of cancer as well. My family meant everything to me and I wasn't ready to leave. But Mum contrived some reason I had to go and I had to leave there and then and get my stuff later. My world collapsed and I felt totally abandoned. My emotional base had gone and even though home was a destructive place, it was the only place I knew. My Mum did some terrible things to me, my sisters and dad (and she destroyed all his photos) but to this day has never apologised or offerred any explanation for what went on. We were all bitter for many years but time has moved on now and so have we. It's like there's been a time shift and what went on happened in another dimension of our lives and that kind of helps too to put the pain away in a little box in our brains. Please don't feel shameful. You haven't asked to be treated the way you were or suffer the SA that you have. These are reasons to give our children more love to support them in time of need. The problem is though some parents can't see beyond there own selfish needs and their children fall through the net. What a shame for everyone. Take care.
  #11  
Old 13th December 2006, 19:07
scarlet_diva scarlet_diva is offline
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Default Re: Shame

I can sympathise a lot with what you wrote, crimson-raven
I was treated like sh*t, until I left home (actually it was so bad I even 'disappeared' when I was 18); my parents have changed a bit with age but not really enough for me to want to see them very often.

I might be spouting rubbish here when I say I truly do believe that the way we're treated early in life, by our family, is an indication of how we'll treat ourselves later on (I treat myself pretty abysmally). I also feel a lot of irrational shame within myself and constantly berating myself for the tiniest things.

Sorry can't offer much advice on this but you're not alone, far from it. If I could wave a magic wand and change my past in that respect, I would do it in a split second.
  #12  
Old 14th December 2006, 01:38
jontyboyoh jontyboyoh is offline
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Default Re: Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freespirit
Hi Crimson,

It is not a wierd post. I understand fully that sometimes things can be difficult to explain. Especially when you are trying to put a feeling into words, very difficult.

I think i know what you meen about feeling ashamed. I feel like this becuase i have SA and depression and also when i had a drink problem a few years ago. I just felt that i had let everyone down. I had always been described as the son that was going somewhere, doing well for myself, did well in school went to uni etc...so when i realised i had all these problems i was so deeply ashamed of them and i still am. I know my situation is probably alot different from yours but i just want to say i understand.

About your mum kicking you out the house, well i really do think it is on her to give you a reason. At 16 you are going through a very emotional stage of life and if you are having problems emotionally and/or mentally with things like SA you would expect support and understanding from your family. I know it's not always the case.

Erm...dunno if i have helped. Take care Dazza

That describes my situation in a way.....But don't u think an element of this lies with the expectation of the parents? ........Answerin this questio prob does diddly squat to 'solvin' SA, but..........errr......I don't know wot tbh.
  #13  
Old 14th December 2006, 09:42
crimson~raven crimson~raven is offline
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Default Re: Shame

Thank you all for your sympathies but I do think they are undeserved I guess I did deserve to be kicked out which brings on the shame, I was in foster care for 2 years following this and was asked to leave at 18 as my foster carer would no longer get money from looking after me. I am just a horrid person and whilst this is hard to accept and deal with I think that in the end resolving that point will help me to move on. (see sleeping on things does help).

I have used alchol to avoid things, self harm and have eating issues all a way of esacping the reality that I am the problem. The SA, the OCD, the various eating disorders, they all point to me being the issue and I need to just face that and grow up. I hate working but everyone has to work really I am 26 and need to face the reality of adult hood and with that comes accepting where we are at fault. Maybe I don't belong on this site if all I am is some selfish person who messes up their life.
  #14  
Old 14th December 2006, 09:58
Concept Concept is offline
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Default Re: Shame

You're attacking yourself unduly. Have you ever considered that rather than being the horrible person you seem to think you are, people see that they can take advantage of you and so try to?

I'm sorry you've experienced what you have. Unless you take a relative stance with regards to self being representative of action, and action being representative of self, then I don't see why you think that it's yourself which is the problem.

Sometimes people are awful, uncaring and they use others for their own gain. The realities of opportunism can be that simple.

We're all ultimately wrapped up in our own worries and concerns - you can view it as selfishness but you can also view it as living life. When you're not surrounding by people you don't care for or there's a lack of interaction and stimulation in your life, then it's often a case you'll become more introspective as a result.

Why feel bad about that? Isn't that just seeking an explanation and a cause where the answer may not be so black and white? You could say it's natural that we revert when faced with a lack of activity in which to react toward.

Environmental factors shape us - if you were in no position to influence or control those aspects (and often growing up we aren't at all) then the only people who should be feeling blame are the ones who let you down.

And if they don't? Forget them - you're doing their work for them by making yourself feel bad and taking blame which isn't your own.
  #15  
Old 15th December 2006, 09:51
crimson~raven crimson~raven is offline
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Default Re: Shame

Quote:
Originally Posted by Concept
Environmental factors shape us - if you were in no position to influence or control those aspects (and often growing up we aren't at all) then the only people who should be feeling blame are the ones who let you down.
I wish I could beileve that for me when I can believe it for others .

Thanks for your replie I think I'm just in a slump I shall spring free at some point.

Merry xmas to all :santa3:
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