Buttonlane's Progress Diary

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^ thanks

[buttonlane]

New challenge awaits...


Made huge steps forward in the last couple of months. For the most part I'm chilled and relaxed when I'm out, no anxiety. I'm no longer coming home exhausted. When you look at how I was on the first page of this diary thingamajig, I can acknowledge I've improved a hell of a lot.

Making headway into level 3

Talking to well adjusted individuals, strangers in groups, people in authority is 'death red'. In other words dieing on my arse. It triggers the worst kind of panic. Only formal public speaking would be worse. All the physical symptom go to town on me, cripple and turn me into a reck. Being centre stage in a group. Dancing. etc..

It feels like I'm improving by the week. This employment place I'm on is great, we go on days out on the 'social isolation group' and its got me socializing with people I would normally avoid. Been to a couple of art galleries, museums, a tour of Manchester city centre. Some people in the group still put me on edge but I'm getting used to them and theyre all friendly towards me. Its great, its tellin my brain that new people are cool, not scary monsters. Being around people all the time is rewiring my brain, I like being around people. Human beings are f*ing great. (oh yes they are damn it!....)

I was in the active life group today to do a catch up on last months course. I was so relaxed in the group. Spoke infront of everyone, my brain didn't freak out, After a long struggle to make progress since starting this SA diary, I feel like I'm moving through SA with speed. FINALLY all my hard work is paying off and the ball is rolling and gaining momentum and all I have to do is keep going. I still stutter and stammer my arse through sentences in groups but it doesn't bother me much now, the more I do it the more relaxed I become and my Arkwright impressions will be a thing of the past. I don't know if anyone else suffers from this problem when anxious but it literally frys my brain. Mental blocks are a bitch.


London

Went to London last month, loved it. An Epic tour of London with Emu as my guide, lots of fun and laughter along the way. We spent half our time lost but that didn't matter we entertained each other.
(OWNED at English or Foreign. )
Londoners were so friendly and accommodating. People bent over backwards to help us when we were lost and in general. Can't wait to go back to be fair.



Picnic meet.
Went to London cause of the picnic meet, glad I went, I met some great people. I didn't recognise anyone besides Godfather and Progress, retep and my man samba. which was kinda disappointing. Props to Morti for organising it. Huge meet around 30 showed up.
Felt like I could have made more effort getting to know peeps but I only had 2 hours sleep that night trying to make a sodding cake that never was. pfft. (don't ask!) Kinda caught up with me in the end.
My anxiety was fine as long as I didn't have to speak in a group so I came across ok I guess.

My highlights of la picnic

Susu susu lavly susu.
Must have taken 40 mins plus to get to where we eventually settled.... Plucked up the courage to talk to the lavly susu ,who was all on her lonesome elegantly strolling through the park, looking all Audrey Hepburn like in her shades. 10 mins in, nice little chin wag, getting comfy with each other and she asks what my user name is....
''Buttonlane'' ahem

We're ambling along and she LITERALLY stops in her tracks, takes a few steps back and covers her mouth like in shock. WTFFFFFFFF!
You couldn't have gotten more of a reaction if George Michael dived naked out of the bushes in front of us with his pecker swaying side to side.
Seriously though..am I really that bad on here?
She assured me it was for good reasons. She thought I'd be big and Blonde apparently. Sorry love, you don't give a reaction like that because you think someones hair colour is different than you thought it would be.
Makes me think I shouldnt give my username out as people might judge me before getting to know me first. (upset a few peeps when I was suffering with depression, taking my issues out on the board etc..).
Susu was lovely though and we chatted throughout the meet. She was my go to girl.

Smelly cat, smelly cat
Right at the end of the meet, (sunbathing) got talking to ermmmm...(I actually cant recall his name or forum name.) My Filipino friend. I broke the ice by guessing the country he was from, cause I love the accent so much. Got onto the topic of dialects and he breaks out with a Liverpool accent., if you've ever heard a man from the philippines try and do a Liverpool accent. ooooohhh its bloody good. I'm thinking to myself..,'what SA?' I get rather over excited and giddy at this point (normally end up sayin something daft in my excitement)....and THEN!! he starts singing the 'smelly cat' song off friends. INSTANT ERECTION. To hear such things as these, a rarity indeed.
I so wanted to join in with the smelly cat singalong, REALLY WANTED TO! It was so good and he's lying there looking all cool in his shades, head pointed towards god. That could have been a moment!
Whenever I hear the smelly cat song from Friends, I'll think of my Philippineo friend. Whatever his name was. Seriously epic


Met up with some peeps from here in the last couple of months. Had some fun nights out and making some genuine friends so life is on the up.
Moving forward is what its all about.




Next challenge.

College awaits next month, but I also need job experience, got me CV soughted. I've agreed to take it to the next level and really challenge myself. After I've finished typing this I'm gonna head out with some CV's and go to every restaurant in town over the next 7 days and hand it to them and ask if they will take me on as a waiter on a work placement. Gonna dip me toe in the water with 4 Restaurants today but I'm gonna hit it hard this week. It's time to make a big move into reality. Should be updating this diary a bit more often. Lets see what the future brings.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

New challenge awaits...


Made huge steps forward in the last couple of months. For the most part I'm chilled and relaxed when I'm out, no anxiety. I'm no longer coming home exhausted. When you look at how I was on the first page of this diary thingamajig, I can acknowledge I've improved a hell of a lot.

Making headway into level 3

It feels like I'm improving by the week. This employment place I'm on is great, we go on days out on the 'social isolation group' and its got me socializing with people I would normally avoid. Been to a couple of art galleries, museums, a tour of Manchester city centre. Some people in the group still put me on edge but I'm getting used to them and theyre all friendly towards me. Its great, its tellin my brain that new people are cool, not scary monsters. Being around people all the time is rewiring my brain, I like being around people. Human beings are f*ing great. (oh yes they are damn it!....)

I was in the active life group today to do a catch up on last months course. I was so relaxed in the group. Spoke infront of everyone, my brain didn't freak out, After a long struggle to make progress since starting this SA diary, I feel like I'm moving through SA with speed. FINALLY all my hard work is paying off and the ball is rolling and gaining momentum and all I have to do is keep going. I still stutter and stammer my arse through sentences in groups but it doesn't bother me much now, the more I do it the more relaxed I become and my Arkwright impressions will be a thing of the past. I don't know if anyone else suffers from this problem when anxious but it literally frys my brain. Mental blocks are a bitch.


London

Went to London last month, loved it. An Epic tour of London with Emu as my guide, lots of fun and laughter along the way. We spent half our time lost but that didn't matter we entertained each other.
(OWNED at English or Foreign. )
Londoners were so friendly and accommodating towards me and the 'epic one.' People bent over backwards to help us when we were lost and in general. Can't wait to go back to be fair.



Picnic meet.
Went to London cause of the picnic meet, glad I went, I met some great people. I didn't recognise anyone besides Godfather and Progress, retep and my man samba. which was kinda disappointing. Props to Morti for organising it. Huge meet around 30 showed up.
Felt like I could have made more effort getting to know peeps but I'd only had 2 hours sleep that night trying to make a sodding cake that never was. pfft. (don't ask!) Kinda caught up with in the end.
My anxiety was fine as long as I didn't have to speak in a group so I came across ok I guess.

My highlights of la picnic

Susu susu lavly susu.
Must have taken 40 mins plus to get to where we eventually settled.... Plucked up the courage to talk to the lavly susu ,who was all on her lonesome elegantly strolling through the park, looking all Audrey Hepburn like in her shades. 10 mins in, nice little chin wag, getting comfy with each other and she asks what my user name is....
''Buttonlane'' ahem

We're ambling along and she LITERALLY stops in her tracks, takes a few steps back and covers her mouth like in shock. WTFFFFFFFF!
You couldn't have gotten more of a reaction if George Michael dived naked out of the bushes in front of us with his pecker swaying side to side.
Seriously though..am I really that bad on here?
She assured me it was for good reasons. She thought I'd be big and Blonde apparently. Sorry love, you don't give a reaction like that because you think someones hair colour is different than you thought it would be.
Makes me think I shouldnt give my username out as people might judge me before getting to know me first. (upset a few peeps when I was suffering with depression, taking my issues out on the board etc..).
Susu was lovely though and we chatted throughout the meet. She was my go to girl.

Smelly cat, smelly cat
Right at the end of the meet, (sunbathing) got talking to ermmmm...(I actually cant recall his name or forum name.) My Filipino friend. I broke the ice by guessing the country he was from, cause I love the accent so much. Got onto the topic of dialects and he breaks out with a Liverpool accent., if you've ever heard a man from the philippines try and do a Liverpool accent. ooooohhh its bloody good. I'm thinking to myself..,'what SA?' I get rather over excited and kiddy at this point (normally end up sayin something daft in my excitement)....and THEN!! he starts singing the 'smelly cat' song off friends. INSTANT ERECTION. To hear such things as these, a rarity indeed.
I so wanted to join in with the smelly cat singalong, REALLY WANTED TO! It was so good and he's lying there looking all cool in his shades, head pointed towards god. That could have been a moment!
Whenever I hear the smelly cat song from Friends, I'll think of my Philippineo friend. Whatever his name was. Seriously epic


Met up with some peeps from here in the last couple of months. Had some fun nights out and making some genuine friends so life is on the up.
Moving forward is what its all about.

Nice to hear things are progressing

What is the Social isolation Group exactly?

Funnily enough my imaginary picture of you was blonde hair and lighter skin.

[black_mamba]

Well done on the progress buttonlane, inspiring as always! I enjoyed your description of the picnic meet.

London can be pretty fun if you're not used to it. I'm glad people were friendly towards you. Londoners get an unfair rap for being cold and rude but that's only generally during rush hour.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

Felt like I could have made more effort getting to know peeps

I also wish I'd made a bit more effort to chat to people. I think I was mainly concerned with just chilling out, which is not very group orientated.

[PussyRiot]

Hi Buttonlane,

I have only just seen this and after reading your first post on the thread I want to read the rest, but not all at once otherwise I will miss bits. Thanks for doing this. I am sure it will help me, even just to see how another person deals with these day to day struggles. You are very brave to do a public diary like this. I think that it often feels like I am the only one feeling this way, so I am looking forward to reading it.

[Progress]

^ You get a mention you know (sort of)

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by Progress

^ You get a mention you know (sort of)

Moi?

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by *Emu*

^ Ah I'm so proud of you.
Good luck handing out the CVs. You'll be reet.
P.S. English or foreign was a tie, thank you very much.

Originally Posted by retep

Nice to hear things are progressing

What is the Social isolation Group exactly?

Funnily enough my imaginary picture of you was blonde hair and lighter skin.

Originally Posted by Samba

Good work my friend and good luck with the CV handouts, that's a tough thing to do but it sounds like you're becoming a bit of a boss so it should be ok.

Originally Posted by Progress

I also wish I'd made a bit more effort to chat to people. I think I was mainly concerned with just chilling out, which is not very group orientated.

Originally Posted by black_mamba

Well done on the progress buttonlane, inspiring as always! I enjoyed your description of the picnic meet.

London can be pretty fun if you're not used to it. I'm glad people were friendly towards you. Londoners get an unfair rap for being cold and rude but that's only generally during rush hour.

Originally Posted by smellycat

Hi Buttonlane,

I have only just seen this and after reading your first post on the thread I want to read the rest, but not all at once otherwise I will miss bits. Thanks for doing this. I am sure it will help me, even just to see how another person deals with these day to day struggles. You are very brave to do a public diary like this. I think that it often feels like I am the only one feeling this way, so I am looking forward to reading it.

Thanks guys.

Went to about 6/7 different place yesterday....3 people took my cv and one bar/restaurant have jobs available. I went when they were busy so they couldn't see me. Going there again in abit after I've updated my CV to see if they'll give me a job. I couldn't believe how calm I was. More nervous about it today. See what happens.

[PussyRiot]

Well done Buttonlane! Good luck with the jobs. You will get there. Fingers and toes crossed for you!

[buttonlane]

^Thanks lovely.

Originally Posted by Progress

^ You get a mention you know (sort of)

Originally Posted by smellycat

Moi?

Yep, you were the original inspiration behind the sing song. My Filipino friend asked if you were at the meet and we started debating where your username had come from. Hence the link to phoebe's smelly cat song. Couldn't contain me delight when he started singing it though. It was seriously good.

[PussyRiot]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

^Thanks lovely.







Yep, you were the original inspiration behind the sing song. My Filipino friend asked if you were at the meet and we started debating where your username had come from. Hence the link to phoebe's smelly cat song. Couldn't contain me delight when he started singing it though. It was seriously good.

smelly cat, smeeeeely cat, what have they been feeding yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou!

[Gemma J. Logod]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

''Buttonlane'' ahem

We're ambling along and she LITERALLY stops in her tracks, takes a few steps back and covers her mouth like in shock. WTFFFFFFFF!

I actually tripped and almost fell

[buttonlane]

^

[buttonlane]

Something nice happened to me yesterday so I thought Id share it.

People are good.

Exposure day yesterday and it didnt go to well, I felt like sh*t all day. Really down and depressed by my inability to do certain things, frustrated at just how much my SA can dwarf me at times.....but there was a silver lining of sorts.

Popped into the newly refurbished Greggs on the way to a friends. Made the effort to be social to the manageress, complementing the newly refurbished interor and tryed to spark up a convo. Greeted the girl on the till, (pretty brunette with hairy arms) *shows teeth* an orders a hot chocolate. The Manageress turns to me and says ''have these." A Pack of buns and a bag of three doughnuts. "Nice!" I says to meself. (that was just the start.)

Parks my bum near the counter, (not to perv on the pretty brunette.... Honest.) 5 mins later the manageress says "do you want these?" A couple loaves of bread. I assumed they were past there sell by date but hey, had I arrived there 30mins earlier I would of had to pay for them. 3 more mins later I hear. "You might as well have these then". I went in there for a hot chocolate and ended up going home with 3 bags of shopping! Comprising 4 large loaves of bread, 4 bags of doughnuts, (3 in each pack) 4 pack of buns, each containing 6. An a few other bits n bobs.
Ive got stuff for free in there before but this was ridiculous! A day later and the bread is still fresh.

"Im killing him with kindness here"

There was a rather embarrassing moment as my SA kicked in a smidge. But we wont go into that. :

What to do with my load.
Theres a young girl opposite my friends who literally has nothing. 3 kids and an alcholic Father-in-Law. (he only has one leg.....but thats besides the point.) My friend regularly goes over to give them groceries. So I divide what I got from Greggs between my friend and her neighbour and keep a loaf and a few bits for myself. My mate throws in some veg. Head on over with with a couple of bags and was greeted by a redhead and a smile.

Not quite Loaves an fishes (More like loaves, veg and some doughnuts Manc style. )





Lessons learned

-People are good. (oh yes they are damn it!)

- In the midst of troubles, as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, as long as you keep trying and stay true to your goal, there will be some kind of reward to keep you going. Serendipity or otherwise.

- If theres an opportunity to be selfless and make someone smile. Make someone smile. Its worth it

-Make sure you show your teeth when you meet a pretty girl with hairy arms.

[Reclue]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

-Make sure you show your teeth when you meet a pretty girl with hairy arms.

You haven't seen the state of my teeth then

But that's besides the point - I think you did very well there, congratulations

[buttonlane]

^ Cheers. Its always nice to be taken by suprise like that or be on the recieving end of someone elses kindness unexpectedly.

My buns are still soft, spongy and ready to eat. (not a euphemism)

[buttonlane]

I feel like I've improved enough to start throwing myself into the deep end with groups. I've been hitting it hard the last 10 days. Any opportunity I get with groups I'm there.
Went to Comic con in London last month....which was bloody good. My SA did make it challenging, glad I went though. If anything it showed me how far away I am from my goal. It made me realize I really need to put the work in if I'm to feel part of society, contribute etc. and live the life I want. Its not going to happen sitting at home or staring at a computer screen. If I want a life of Tits, Bums and depravity, I'm going to have to work for it. (just kidding :p )

I feel like I've progressed since starting this Diary. I began at Level one on my badly drawn pyramid - I struggled to do basic things at a non verbal level. Walking past someone in the street could be an ordeal. I'm comfortably at level two and ready for the next challenge.

Level 3 on my anxiety scale:[/U] Talking to well adjusted individuals strangers in groups is 'death red'. In other words dieing on my arse. It triggers the worst kind of panic. Only formal public speaking would be worse. All the physical symptom go to town on me, cripple and turn me into a reck. Being centre stage in a group.

Group activities..
Basically 5/6 day a week group activities
What Im doing now.
-Joined a Spanish class 2 months ago. (Had to stop going cause of my housing situ.) It's brutal as far as an Sa'er goes. Now I've found a place to live I'm going to jump straight in with reckless abandonment.

-Started going to anxiety groups 2 weeks ago. I had every intention of speaking but as soon as I got there I couldnt, I froze. It was ****ing horrible. Mute. I spent years doing that, it's a waste of time, I need pushing in that environment. Someone mentioned another SA group, apparently its even more challenging. More people, a mixed group and pressure to speak from the facilitator. After the two non events I thought **** it, I've got to do it. Tippy toed into the building, took one look at the group and thought... ''sod that''. I hate that Sa turns me into a coward. It took me 10 mins of hanging about like a frightened little boy before I go in. 11 people in the group and I start having panic attacks before the chair kisses my arse. To make matters worse the facilitator dives in asking me question after question. It was brutal. You name it I did it, gurning, panic, shaking. I managed to get through it and nothing bad actually happened. I'm learning to panic in front of people and accepting it. To be with it and let it pass. ITS WHAT I NEEDED. As I was talking I calmed down. Only flairing up intermittently. Desensitization in a nutshell.

-Art group once a week.

- Went to a sunday service. It was Crammed. Met loads of people in a safe environment. Really glad I did it. Can already feel a shift in myself.

MORE GROUPS to join this week.

- Martial arts and Boxing club

- Mindfulness meditation

- Another anxiety group

Lets do this!

......

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^How was the comic con experience for you?

I seriously need to break the habit of living life on an armchair

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by retep

^How was the comic con experience for you?

I seriously need to break the habit of living life on an armchair

Id recommend it if you havnt been before. I was in awe of some of the costumes. Id imagine an LSD trip then going on the set of Snow White and the 7 dwarfs , might be a way to describe it.

*attaches pins to your armchair*

Originally Posted by Tabitha

You sound like you are doing really well. I like reading your posts, they are interesting and funny. I hope you keep doing well.

Aahh thanks lovely, I appreciate that.

[iTz0kt0Bu]

^I went with friends, it was very crowded and there were lots of costumes and stuff on show, the people at the event were quite open.

(jumps up) Why are you trying to stab me.

[buttonlane]

Think I might get Vlad the Impaler under your chair next time.