Buttonlane's Progress Diary

[buttonlane]

TIME FOR A CHANGE

Ive seen a few posts recently that made me think about things. People genuinely struggling despite their proactivity and real efforts. I relate to their sense of sadness and desperation, isolation and loneliness and a couple of posts recently made me feel sad to be honest. Im strugging to gain social freedom myself, Im frustated, depressed and at the end of my rope. Im still finding living a normal life impossible. I WANT TO ****ING CHANGE.

Im going to be keeping a weekly progress report, encouraging me to keep my eye on the prize and being held accountable for my actions or inactions in the real world. Detailed descriptions of what Im doing but challenging myself like never before. Posting up ideas and things Im looking into. The goal is to Transform my life and maybe inspiring others to do the same, showing others it can be done.
I cant live like this anymore and though Ive made alot of progress and I know the 'how' of beating SA, the actual process of doing it is really hard. The hardest thing I will ever do. Despite my improvements I still have SA in a bad way.



For those that see me post on the regular, you will associate me with being abit random, slightly depraved, with a natural and disturbing inclination to ramble on about big bums quite alot (a hell of alot).......and who befriended a fly called Jason.

I feel it time to cut the crap and start adding some value to the forum. Though I will try my best to eradicate the words....bum, big and Hendricks




Method and practice
I will be writting out a plan of social challenges that I have to do. I will only be posting 1 or 2 reports a week. Both at the shop and in social outings. Scoring my levels of anxiety in the moment(cbt) The challenge is desensitization. To bring high level scores of anxiety from 6 or 10 down to 0 or 3 and moving onto the next challenge and starting all over again, slowly breaking down walls by persistently hammering away. Changing my approach and adapting to new situations. Finding new ways.




Confidence and low self esteem struggles
Im having huge problems with lowselfesteem. My speech in groups isnt great. It's either hi pitched *choir boy* or low pitched monotone with neck tightening and restricting. *Barry White being strangled.*I sometimes stammer to.

when Im anxious I have little control over my body languge or facial muscles, I gurn sometimes when Im panicky, there is nothing I can do about it at present, its not a good look and it makes people uncomfortable and its very humiliating for me. Theyre things I can be doing at home to combat these issues which I think might be really useful to write about.


I hope others join me on my journey and take the 'social freedom' path with me.

[buttonlane]

^ Thanks for that Samba I appreciate that mate.

Time for some serious hardcore action me thinks.

[ryanharris]

Nice idea There's not much i get anxious about anymore and i can just push through it when i do, only thing I'm struggling with is the self esteem thing. So I'm particularly interested in how you conquer you self esteem/ confidence issues.

[misha]

Right beside you, ButtonLane

[buttonlane]

Thanks guy I appreciate the support. There is no chance of backing down now. I dont feel like Im doing this on my own now either, which would have made it doubly hard.

Thanks guys

[buttonlane]

Practice and Prep

Before wednesday id been bed bound for 4 days in a row, missing two days at the shop. Barely eating a thing and wasting all my time doing nothing except t'internet and running bills on my phone. Depression, pfftt
Time to change.


Prep
Im going to need my homeboys Mr Courage and Mr perspective close to me at all times in order to stay on the path.
Courage is obviously something I'll need but Keeping my head and not letting negative situations affect me is big also. Truth and being able to see reality for what it is will be HUGE. Being oversensitive has its virtues but having no emotional intelligence what so ever is damaging.
Mr courage and Mr perspective *high fives homeboys*

Coping statements:
No point in just saying im gonna need perspective and then let my dominant thought patterns reek havoc when times get tough Or I forget about Mr P. (which im likely to do because my memory is shocking!)
They say that negative reactions, internal suffering is nothing more than how we look at the world, (through our own eyes) not based on actual on facts/truths. 'Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change' etc... CBT is alot for that, its one of the main tenants in stocism and alot of other philosophies.
In the times I avoid situations, its mainly because of internal excuses, negative thought patterns and fear, all to do with how im habitually looking at things. I need ways of seeing situations logically rather than emotionally, otherwise this will all go to pot very quickly. Ive come up with a few ideas where i will need these coping statements.

-Before I even get my arse out of the door I have to have the right mindset with reasons why Im doing this and the benefits in the long run

-Coping statements for approaching and tackling the challenges ive set (dealing with issues of 'imagined' bad reactions/imagined rejection from people, fear of being judged. Fear making me want to avoid in general. These are the thoughts that really mess me up.

- and coping statements for when things go wrong (when anxiety, panic hits me socially) and bad reactions from others.
Seeing things accurately so I dont get to down, upset and have 3 day postmortems. Learning to go with the flow and let panic pass through me without injuring my ego.

Ill have to think about those.

Relaxation:
Training my body to relax on cue is a biggy. So Ill be listening to some relaxation tapes, morning (after breakfast) and before I go to bed. For 1 month. Its a case of...'lets see if it works/helps.
I imagine it being difficult to suffer overwhelming panic for prolonged periods if ive trained my body to completely relax (all muscle groups) breathing deeply imo. I could be wrong. So Im going to give the relaxation a real go. It might help, it might not, we'll see.


--------------------------------

Practice
My difficulties/triggers revolve around people, performance anxiety, bodyimage and lack of confidence. This is going to be my area my focus.

The shop and social activities will be where the challenges take place.

Lets do this

Because Im ready to start really pushing myself, all exercises will be done in 3/4's to start off with and for as long as it takes to overcome them.
I'll record each exercise on a scale from 0 to 10. 0 being no anxiety and 10 being the highest levels of stress panic and anxiety. At the end of each week, review and see if any progress is being made and adapt and change anything accordingly.

Plan of desentization and towards social freedom

When walking to work:
I find eye contact really difficult with confident strangers. I sometimes gurn or am a rabbit in head lights. Very challenging for me and causes me alot of stress.

Exercise1:
Maintain eye contact with passing strangers who appear confident or attractive without breaking eyecontact first. 3 people while walking to work an 3 people on my way back home.

The next exercise, once I can do the eye contact when walking to work will be to ask strangers the time.

At the shop:
Exercise 2:
Greet and smile at EVERY SINGLE PERSON who comes in the shop. Whether I feel threatened OR anxious by them or not. *gulps*

Exercise:3*takes deep breath*
Make small talk with EVERY person who buys something at the till. Even confident people

Exercise: 4:
Use and practice observation skills while on the til by finding something nice to say about what a woman is wearing even if its a granny in her 80's. Be genuine and cheeky if possible.
*wipes sweat off brow*

I'll also take private notes on my thoughts while in these situation to formulate better coping statements.


I hoping this plan gives me a quicker way to increase my social freedom and improves my confidence in general.

[Akira]

^ Excellent thread buttonlane

[bluegrey]

Good luck button lane. I'll watch with interest. 1 & 3 are making me break into a sweat just thinking about them.

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by Akira

^ Excellent thread buttonlane

Originally Posted by bluegrey

Good luck button lane. I'll watch with interest. 1 & 3 are making me break into a sweat just thinking about them.

Thanks matey and yes 1&3 was challenging at times but managed to do all of the exercises and had some really interesting experiences.(understatement lol. I meet some bloody stange people when Im out ) I'll post up a report on saturday.
The same again tomorrow!

[Sid]

Gosh, good luck and well done so far
You're right there too .... there are a lot of strange people out there
(me being one of them I suspect!!)

[buttonlane]

^ Thanks *thumbs*
Progress report coming up. Its been a roller coaster so far if im being honest, today was unpleasant.... to say the least.

[buttonlane]

The last three days have been a mare...but they have served the purpose of letting me know what I need to work on in the coming weeks.

First day was great; I couldnt have had a better start. I recieved a high achiever award by creative support. My exsupport worker entered me a last month.
I was asked to come to creative support because a letter had arrived for me. What an amazing start to my day. Abit of a strange coincidence that it came on the same day I start my new journey. Its like a sign i'm doing the right thing.


Thursday 20/12/12:

Exercise 1: (making prolonged eye contact with strangers... to and from work, 3 each way)
~7 out of 10 on the anxiety scale overall~

Its was awkward and uncomfortable but not as difficult as I thought. No notable moments except 1. Which was embarrassing.

Heading back home I decide to turn back on myself and go to the chippy. I pass an indian takeaway and a girl (about19) is talking to her friend. Makes eye contact and Im determined to not look away first. shes looking at me while talking to her mate the whole time, and doesnt break eye contact with me until I pass her. My SA brain starts working over time before I quickly dismiss it. Orders me food in the chippy, sits facing the window looking onto the street and guess who gets into the car opposite me.. *cringe worthy moment arriving any time now*

She turns and sees me. we make eye contact again and I freeze..I couldnt do it this time, only worse, she smiles at me. *frozen face*
I became agitated became aware of everything I was doing. How long do you stare at someone before it gets weird? I couldnt smile back because my face was locked. I had to look away and hope she would go away but her car was not ****ing moving and I had nothing to distract myself with because my food hadnt arrived yet. I felt like a right bellend. Eventually and what seemed like a bloody age.. They leave.
SA pfftt. Still such a long way to go.


Exercise 2:Greet and smile with everyone who comes into the shop.

I smiled and said hello to the majority but noticed my face would freeze with those I felt insecure with. Not a good look. Most were friendly. *thumbs*
Went well though.


Exercise 3: Make small talk with everyone I serve.
Unrealistic to do this with everyone so ive set the minimum goal of 6 peeps.
Overall anxiety rating of 7 1/2 out of 10, which is high. With only one bad reaction with a psycho.

Noteable interactions-

Stern posh lady:
When I served this lady..(mid20s) she didnt seem friendly at all. As she rummaged through the cheap jewellery on the counter I try and make small talk. I was nervous and apprehensive but thought.."sod it".
I think I asked if she was buying for her or someone else. She said she was raising money for an african charity and auctioning stuff off. I probed abit deeper and showed interest in what she was saying, then gave her a compliment on her charitable efforts. Her face lit up and she gave me eye contact for the first time and went bashful. (didnt expect that). She opens up abit, makes eye contact again as shes leaving. (people tend to avoid eyecontact when leaving) she turns away an I said.. "good luck with....urm..'' *brain freeze* ''urmmmm.'' Lol..!
Id forgotten. I expected a negative reaction from her but she just smiled and said thanks. I felt great after the interation.
Give myself about a 6 as I was insecure with how i was being percieved when eye contact was made.

Funny pagan dude:
Old guy, 60ish comes into the shop with lady friend. They both walk around the display but in opposite directions and ended up walking into each other.
I laugh they laugh and it pretty much sets the tone for a weird interaction.
*How to act like a professional noob take 1*

I was calm serving the old guy at the till, abit selfconscious like but thats normal. He had what I thought was a glass eye because it was perfectly still while his other eye moved natually, but without warning it started moving independently. It freaked me out initially.

Me "Last minute christmas shopping?"

Pagan dude: "I dont believe in christmas. Dont celebrate it."

*WARNING extreme noob moment coming up*

I get REALLY! excited hearing that, I dont believe in christmas either. I Face him and puts my hand in the air..... TO HIGH FIVE HIM (what was thinking trying to high five an old man ffs) : Realizing its not going to happen I pull my hand down in shame *cringe* just as I bring mine down he puts his up! Awwwwwwakward. Aarrggghh I have to go through with it now. After the WEIRD high five he elaborates. I felt relaxed talking to him, despite both eyes moving in different directions at the same time. Hes excentric, I like that. I make a guess and ask him if hes Pagan. We start talking about nature and the seasons. He rambles on about Paganism for the next 10 minutes. Lol he even starts giving me relationship advice the Pagan way.
Funny interaction, he was very vocal, and entertained everyone in the shop while he was there. He ended up crashing into another woman on the way out.

NOW THAT WAS BLOODY GOOD. (not including the high 5 though.)

Psycho
Really bad interaction. Dude was a w**ker.

Dick face (6'4, 40ish, built like a truck, stern faced) Greets him when he enters shop, he responds. So far so good. *pats self on back*
He comes to the desk with a kate Bush DVD set, illegal copies. (we cant sell them) I could have just sold them to him but I call the manager to come through to ask her if I can sell them. I have to phone her first. *pats self on back*

Manager: "sorry we cant sell copies."
Dude goes mental! He puts me on the spot, *threatening gaze* and says. (i cant remember what he says) He wants an explanation. He gets really aggressive with me. I start getting panicky... I struggle to keep eye contact *bows head..choir voice, face getting hot*
I become really self conscious because the manager is looking at me. She interjects. Relief because my anxiety didnt have chance to escalate. After some more words were exchanged..... He ends up pointing his finger in my face "thats you that is" and storms out.
The look he gave me, he was about to flip. That was disrespectful in the end...like I was a little bitch or something. My submissive stance meant he felt he could get away with it. Prick.

That interaction could have effected me badly but it didnt. That guy was just an arsehole. Thats not normal behaviour. When he left the manager looked at me as if to say wtf??

She spent the rest of the day telling me the inimate details of her personal life. I must have one of them faces.... People always tell me their life story.


Exercise 4:Forgot to do this one: Though I did compliment a few people on character traits....that wasnt the goal though.

Next two days were horrible, I was a nervous reck.... Frozenfaced..uncomfortable and panicky. Really upsetting.

Posts will be alot shorter.



--------------------------------------

Overal anxiety ratings:
Ex1: 7
Ex2: 7
Ex3: 7 1/2
Ex4: void


Good points:
-The whole day went well.
-Most people were really friendly,once I gave them a chance, which contradicted my beliefs.
-People I thought were unfriendly became sociable once I took an interest in them.
-Had I listened to SA I wouldnt have had so many great experiences on this day. Pagan man rules!


Bad points:
-I feel selfconscious all the time. Which effects me physically. (holds breath, my face freezes or anxious expressions. Causes a downward spiral.)

-Psycho dude, Im not at the point where Im strong enough to handle situations like that. Im still REALLY vunerable when Im out.

-Not many confident high social status people in my peer group come in the shop so Ive still got a long way to go to get myself believeing they will respond positively.

Learning points.
-They saying you cant always judge a book by its cover... is true. (experiencing that is more powerful than hearing someone say it)

- People will open up if you show genuine interest in them. Even complete strangers.

[buttonlane]

part 2.

Gonna keep this brief because this was ****ing painful.

21/12/12

For whatever reason I was anxious and very self conscious as soon as I stepped out today. Did all the exercises but the day just got worse not better. When Im like that I suffer with frozen face or worse, gurn when I panic. Its so noticable and it weirds people out. Because Ive had SA and panic for so long my face looks habitually anxious sometimes when Im not even anxious. Its a big ****ing problem...im a good looking guy but these expressions take me from handsome (in a beta kind of a way) to pathetically hidious in a split second. Its VERY embarrassing.
I dont think theres any point in me keeping this progress diary if Im not going to be honest about things and the challenges I face.


Exercise 1:Eye contact to and from work

Very anxious & self conscious... 9. All my insecurities about myself were out in force to make sure I would well and truly **** up and act like a pathetic weak little cretin.

Off to work and turns to cross the zebra crossing. Person in car stops for me even though they had clear road head of them. (nice) As Im standing there waiting for other cars to pass I start feeling self conscious ( like a spot light is on me) I notice my body language go inward and hunches. (not a good start) A beautiful blonde women walks a cross me as i step on the path. I couldnt make eye contact. Bodylanguage gets worse. Pfftt

Well on my way to work now and spot an alpha dude... Eye contacted was made, he looks away first before we get close. I felt really uncomfortable and noticed alot of fear in my body.

Gets into the village and the main shoping area and I feel my facial expressions change. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME! Completes the challenge but my face is frozen even before I get into the shop. I dont understand this.
Feel relieved to get into the shop.

Exercise 2:Meet and greet
8
Mildly anxious with some, completely avoids certain people. *slaps self in face*
No notable moments.

Exercise 3:
Im not sure I managed 6 peeps but I make the effort despite how I feel.
Notable moments.
-8 minutes convo with woman in her late 40s
She opens up to me really quickly. Great interaction but I just couldnt relax. Became more selfconscious as more people came into the shop.
Positive though.

-Guy with beard: Again nervous but greeted him when he came in. Thought, **** it ill ask him if hes done his xmas shopping. Brief convo but he went out with a smileing and wished me a nice christmas. Cool.

-panic attack in break
This was hurrendous. Went to Prishna (take away). Go here all the time but get painfully anxious.

Take away guy says he overcharged me the day before so hes giving me my spicy naan bread sandwich for free. He catches me off guard and I dont know how to respond. His coworker observing how I react from afar. I panic..its horrible *face goes red, gurns* painful painful, painful. Coworker just watches on with a smirk. I just make my excuses and leave. Which was the wrong thing to do.

Day gets worse from their. Im insecure about how Im coming across and its making me worse. Why do I give such a shite about what others think ffs.

Exercise 4: I only remember complimenting one person, i keep forgetting. 7 1/2

Notable moments.
Milf in brown trouser *noob moment*

Realizing I hadnt yet complimented anyone I see a lady and just say whatever comes to mind.
"I like your trouser" (eyeroll)
She laughs as if to say wtf? "er thanks"
Realizing my faux pas I try and recover. "Its just that im looking for a pear the same colour, theyre very popular right now" She says something back and I complement her on how colour cordinated she is. She opens up and tells me something about her life. (her sister always saying she doesnt have a clue about fashion so she made the effort today) chats abit more, then she leaves. Potentially uncomfortale moment but redeems myself. No one else was in the shop so i didnt panic. Cool.

That whole day was hurrendous. Really ****ing upset and exausted. I went straight to bed when I got home. Because the previous day went well I thought I could get away with not doing the relaxation exercises and formulating my coping statements. Mr perspective was not here to help me on this day or the next. Im making it hard for myself.



--------------------------------------
Rating:
Ex1: 9
Ex2: 8
Ex3: 8
Ex4: 7 1/2

Overall day as a whole was a 9. Nightmare.

Good points. Struggling to think of any. I suppose people were nice.

Bad points: The entire day was a bad point. Anxious from start to finish. My bodylanguage was terrible, thoughts chaotic. That meltdown in the takeaway was hard to take. Its been a while since Ive had a day like this. Slightly paranoid.

Learning points:
I really do need start doing the relaxation exercises. Different reasons why I was so anxious today. Being tired, not doing any prep work before hand. Selfesteem rock bottom. Sometimes insecurity alone can make me more anxious. Got to get this soughted.

[Reclue]

Wow - hats off to you.

I can see how difficult it is and I sympathise.

But I think you should be feeling very good about yourself, not only for the efforts you are going to but also for sharing this.

You have my admiration.

[buttonlane]

Part 3 and review.

22/12/12

Not working to day but I bob into the shop to give xmas cards to the managers and a few of the volunteers.
Relaxation exercises are completed but I cant take the relaxation into my day. Same as yesterday..hurrendous.
Did exercise 1: Its a struggle.

I cant be arse going into detail, it was just another terrible overwhelming day.
After my experience in the fast food place I was thinking about never going back. Its not as bad when you have a panic attack in front of strangers knowing you will never see them again. Its so much worse when someone you barely know and your going to be seeing them again. Theres an expectation set up and they have the upper hand/dominance. Its like an unsaid communication. Nothing is mentioned but you both know. Aarrrggghhh.
I end up having another meltdown as 'Take away guy' calls me by my name. (Apparently my manager went for a bite to eat and he wanted to know where I was. She told him my name.) He wants to know if its portugues or spanish.... *face freezes, gets hot*. He keeps probing and probing. All the while mr assistant is looking for my reaction. This time I make an effort to talk through it, even try laughing and joking in an attempt to speak spanish. I cant be arsed talking about what happened, it was hurendous. I hate suffering like that infront of people.

Though I didnt try and run this time I fronted it out and when it was time to leave and with humiliation sealed..I made the effort to say farwell to both guys. To my suprise assistant responded and smiled. It was important I did that. I didnt want safety behaviours getting the better of me.

-Cafe nero was hurrendous...Im normally good in coffie shops.

Day was a 9.




------------------------------------

Learning points:
Although most guys smirk or act superior if I have a melt down... 'Takeaway guys' were cool. Gives me the idea of going their more often. A safe place to have a melt down but get use to it until I get desensitized to being put on the spot while being observed by another. Could be an opportunity.

Glad I acknowledged both guys. I wouldnt have found out they were cool and nonjudgemental with my meltdowns. It took alot of courage for me to do that.


Review
What needs to be worked on for next week:
If anything the last three days have made it clear to me what my main issues are. I know Im dealing with more than just SA. Not going into that though.

1. I have massive performance anxiety. Which creates a downward spiral.
2. I dont know how I come across when talking. (Raises insecurity, questions self)
3. I have vocal and breathing problems when anxious... *choir boy* and *Barry white being strangled*


If I can get these areas soughted Ill be well on my way to confidence and social freedom. These issues are all to do with expression.


HOMEWORK:
- Mirror exercises. I have to get familiar with how Im coming across. Irradicate poor facial habits. Everyday Im going to start speaking infront of the mirror and develop and reinforce new habits. Make the most with what I have and learn to express myself in a compelling and self asured way. (verbally and nonverbally) 20 mins minimum.

- Work on my voice and practice the right breathing with the right bodylanguage. Really study this subject and DO. Theres Plenty of resources on t'internet I can turn to. Youtube?

-Relaxation is a must. listen to tapes morning and night. Learning to relax on cue is the goal but it wont happen over night.

-Self esteem exercises: To do with reprograming my mind. If you say something to yourself often enough the mind will believe it. My morning exercises, which id stopped doing...I have to pick them up again.

-Got to get my Coping statements down. Gotta have Mr P on this ride with me.

Im in work next thursday..... Plenty of time to put homework into practice starting today.

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by lexip

Wow - hats off to you.

I can see how difficult it is and I sympathise.

But I think you should be feeling very good about yourself, not only for the efforts you are going to but also for sharing this.

You have my admiration.

Thanks..its been really hard but those three days have given me a clear insight into what needs to be worked on.
Also writing it down like this makes me look at things more objectively. Taking a step back and looking at thing logically rather than emotionally. I can see things more clearly.

[FunkyMonkey]

I actully just read the whole of this thread ^_^ quite entertaining to read both the good and bad and sounds like u put a smile on quite a few ppls faces that came to ur shop

(I dont mean its good to read ur bad days just nice to read exactly what happened thro ur day. Usually ppl only post the good or the bad)

Nice thread anyway ill be sure to keep reading! =] keep up the good work ^_^

[buttonlane]

^ Cheers funkymonkey....

Had a shit week this week and cant be arsed going through it. Ill put up the
numbers though.

This is harder than I thought it was going to be but its been a useful exercise so far, especially with self analysis. The discovery that my SA (as bad as it is) plays second fiddle to something else more constant.

Observing my mind/brain and body and looking at it more closely through my day to day activities has been good for me, even though its been painful.

[Progress]

Good luck with it mate.
Don't push yourself too hard. Slow and steady, I always reckon.

[buttonlane]

Not many notable moments...didnt complete some of the exercises and went into avoidance mode making my two days at work more comfortable than previous but still I have the non stop torment in my head and had a few panic attacks but mainly nervousness and anxious facial expression...being tense and poor body language. (everything shrinking inward)

Brief summary as Im having a bout of lazy-twat-itis

27.12.12

For these two days I was fine walking to the shop (20 mins) I just found it really hard doing the eye exercises.

Hardly anyone about going to work on this day and those that were wouldnt look at me. It feels really creepy to be honest. Doing it to guys is a risk because i never know when ill meet a psycho or someone with mental health problems or just a hard nut with insecurites...
The eye exercise with dudes feel threatening for both parties if eye contact is maintained and with women it just feels creepy. Im not brad pit so a women will probably (assumption) think im a weird. (Is that a negative thought that needs reframing? )


--------------------------
Ex1: 8 (Maintain Eye contact )
Ex2: 8 (Greet everyone coming into shop)
Ex3: 7 (Make small talk)
Ex4: 8 (compliment)

Good points:
-Getting chatted up by a woman in her 50's was awkward and embarrasing, it caught me off guard but I didnt react badly, just felt my face heat up abit once I knew what was going on. lol

- Heading back to the takeaway to confront my fears. Went well.


Bad points:
-Anxious when making small talk with middle aged alpha dude. People like that see my weakness and lose respect as a result. You can see it in their face. Nothing happened just anxious facial expressions on my part.


Learning points.
Im finding exercise 3, making small talk the easiest, thats suprising but I guess thats because im putting someone on the spot and giving them some social pressure.
Overall: Overwhelming... 8




28.12.12
*WARNING....do not read the next sentence if your are in the process of putting food in your mouth*

Pretty much the same as the day before only with an unfortunate start. I stud in the biggest turd i've ever seen in my life. whatever it was that laid it, was a ****ing mutant Im telling ya.

Pretty much identical to the day before otherwise, only less encounters because I was two hours late.


----------------------
Ex1: 8 (Maintaining eye contact)
Ex2: 8 (Greet everyone coming into shop)
Ex3: 7 (Make small talk)
Ex4: 8 (Compliment)

Good points:-Made an effort to speak to the younger takeaway dude but as soon as he put me on the spot I mumbled something out and left as soon as possible. Tut tut. But at least I did it.
-No bad reactions from any one. (Its REALLY IMPORTANT I take note of this because it contradicts my negative beliefs)

Bad points:
Certain people coming to the til.....Again..streetwise but friendly hardnut (shameless) comes to the till area, like he always does and looks at the jewellery. Im not comfortable around him and my subconscious throws stuff at me. The usual. Why? I dont know.

Learning points:
-People are more concerned about their own world than worrying about me. Im starting to 'experiencing' this as a truth.

-I felt the mirror work Ive been doing at home helped a little. I was more relaxed going to work until I reverted back to type an 1hour at the shop. I have alot of blind spots in regards to how I come across and bad habits and it's proven useful to becomin aquianted to those blind spots, its something Im going to continue doing.

[buttonlane]

TO DO LIST

-I've GOT to make myself more uncomfortable. Step into the red zone with reckless abandonment. Im to concerned what people will think.

-The last two days I didnt go to work with any goal or purpose other than show up. Or I tend to forget some of the exercises. Im going to have to start becoming more focused on my real purpose and intent, seeing these exercises as battles. Battles that need to be won. 'Battle' is a powerful metaphor, I like it. Mainly because Im such a stuborn twat, I dont like getting beat.

- Win some Battles!!!

- I need to get my voice soughted out.. talking submissively and girly isnt cool *choirboy* neither is a forced deep monotone that is so low mumble you can hardly hear it *Barry white being strangled*

-Talk LOUDER - I hear ''What'' one more time!

-Keep a simple check list (mobile) of all the people I interact with associated with the four exercises. Track what im actually doing.

-Write out my coping statements (still havnt done it) My homeboy Mr P will make things that much easier for me.

Busy next week.... Lets win some BATTLES!

[Mina]

Wow this is really inspirational, you're doing well.

I like the funny moments, because when you are over your SA I think those are the sorts of things you will get a laugh out of, instead of cringing over. I must admit, I did laugh at the pagan man and the high 5, not because you sounded silly or anything, just because it's the sort of thing everyone does. I think it highlights how SA moments can run through the mind, whereas the other person would have completely forgotten 5 minutes later.

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by Mina

Wow this is really inspirational, you're doing well.

I like the funny moments, because when you are over your SA I think those are the sorts of things you will get a laugh out of, instead of cringing over. I must admit, I did laugh at the pagan man and the high 5, not because you sounded silly or anything, just because it's the sort of thing everyone does. I think it highlights how SA moments can run through the mind, whereas the other person would have completely forgotten 5 minutes later.

Pagan man rules!!

One of the good things about doing this 'progress diary' is I get to see things more objectively, the bad days still really hurt but once I put it on here Im seeing it from a different perspective. Plus socially embarrassing episodes do make good stories.


I want to keep this as real and honest as possible without over doing it on the negativity. See things for what they are rather than putting the 'woe is me' hat on. Im not after sympathy, I want to change! If others get something from this then great buts its important Im balanced.. If that makes sense.

[buttonlane]

New start.... Take two


Its time to resurrect this from the ashes...A new plan.

Ok the last one clearly didnt work.

Plan2..Quite simple.

Socialising with people in my peer group.... .

My biggest nightmare really. Its going to mean lots of anxiety, panic attacks and humiliation. Has to be done though. Im writing it here so I take accountability for my actions/inactions. Its not the last throw of the dice but with all the shit happening in my life, losing my home an being thrown in limbo, no prospect for a job and no friends or ability to interact normally with people..something has to give. I GOT TO GET MY ANXIETY SOUGHTED.



The How of desensitization

I no longer work at the charity shops and that plan only took me so far because young people rarely came into the shops. I have more free time to go to the gym/swim. Lots of people there to socialize with, hotties everywhere, ive got to start socializing, even if it means creeping people out an making an ass of myself. (normally the way).

Ive been reading a great little book by Claire weeks... and her concept of 'floating' and just seeing SA as a feeling we are uncomfortable with, nothing more and to experience that feeling as much as possible, unil it begins to shrink. Im down with that, the diffcult part for me is it involves other peoples judgements. Learning not to give a sh*t is a big part of this.

I wasnt going to go to the gym today, didnt feel like it, but I will. Girls at the desk are stunners, one of them *viking princess* I made a complete tool out of myself with weeks back which involved both of us going red. deary me. I'll mention what happened if it becomes relevent. Not sure if shes taken the hump with me or shes shy but that one could be very awkward before Ive even started.


PLAN

Plan is to be the ultra social guy, act like I know people already, which means giving lots of positive value and be uber friendly.

where to do this.

Leisure centre... 3 days a week. (mon wed thur.)
1. Receptionists at leisure centre.
-Ask how there day is going. (**** sake Ive started shaking at the mere thoughts of it already )

-say good bye on me way out.

2. Talk to gym instructor about showing me how to do deadlifts on wednesday.

-Say hello to the guy instead of ignoring him.

3. Swimming-
A VERY sociable enviroment. random strangers just start talking to each other.
- Have a convo with at least two in the pool.
-say hello to the pool guards *BBB's*
-Might consider asking them to help me with my stroke because right now Im swimming like a cat with one leg.

3. Out an about
-Make convo with anyone in customer service. Ask how day is going.

Its a start...albeit a VERY challenging one.

On a scale 1 to10... Its a 9.



Is off to the gym. *gulps* Lets do this!

[buttonlane]

Originally Posted by Emma1234

Good luck, Buttonlane. Remember the successes you've had in the past and you can have even bigger and better one's in the future. Keep hacking away at it. I hope plan2 goes well.

Thanks Emma, Appreciate your support, wise words. I think sometimes its to easy to ignore positive steps that have been made, even if its stairing you in the face. Probably part of the sa way. Even though I feel like my last plan was a failure, I did make progress. I want to be out all the time now Lol

[buttonlane]

The trial run of small talk with people in customer service last week proved more difficult than I thought. One particular moment stands out. An important moment because I almost said something to the girl on the till but backed out. But learned something about my thought process in the heat of the moment.

Aldi. (Why is it always Aldi? )
Im now completely chilled in supermarkets. Progress has been made.
Im at the point now where I hardly get self conscious in Aldi *thumbs* my brain has accepted it as a nonthreatening enviroment (kewel) but Im right back to square one when it comes to talking to people. ie/ panic, gurning.
Girl on the till ... It wasnt one of my typical 'noob' moments but more like a, 'f*ck why didnt I say something!' moment, I realised walking away it would have been a positive and a good learning experience for that other part of my brain that holds my sa, but because I judged her as a harsh person who would judge me as a weirdo for getting anxious, I chickened out. Why do I judge people I dont even know? To stay safe? :/ Yeah she looked confident, not very friendly.....masculine. Fear of rejection entered my head. I feared that she might ask me 'how my day was going', in return. Worst thing that could happen would be that I clam up and the lady reacts badly in terms of *weirdo*. Equaling rejection.
Im basically thinking myself into a 'lose, lose situation. This is not helping me. Fact is, as I was leaving she seemed quite friendly and approachable all of a sudden, maybe even safe to get anxious in front of. I wasted alot of energy debaiting if I should talk to her or not. I was kicking myself when I left. Id pretty much failed the entire day to ask a simple question. 'Hows your day going.' Fear is a bitch.

Gym
Prior to that...I had avoided saying hello to the gym instructor when I was leaving the main entrance of the leisure centre. Why? What the f*ck am I scared of? Hes a beta with muscles,*being judgemental* but very social and nice guy. We both avoided eye contact. How difficult is it to say hello, I mean really. Ffs.
First opportunity I had to be social was with the female gym instructor. Young, attractive, Brunette but absolutely CAKED! in fake tan and makeup *babestation girl*
I avoid eye contact completely, I was gettin panicky at the thought of her seeing me gurn or even be anxious. Noooo way pedro was I asking her a question. .
-STAMP- failed

Still not comfortable in the gym but my Supermarket experience tells me that WILL come in time.

I catch 'babe station' girl stairing at me downstairs at the front desk when Im pondering at the vendng machine. I looks up and She bolts her head the other way pretending shes looking out the window. Wtf? :/

Goes for me swim
No longer swim like a cat with one leg...I have grown an extra leg!!
Only self conscious an anxious when stood still in the pool.
I managed to pluck up the courage to say goodbye to the old birds at the desk. The two blondes werent on this day. I Said somethin I guess.


Takeaway guy at Prishna.
Progress here. Ive gone from the selfconscious quivering reck I talked about in previous posts to the out going, fun guy that I know is inside me. Plenty of banter, an dude is now my partime spainsh teacher. Every time I go in. I learn a new word.
Intetesting thing happened when a confident guy with abit of social value came in...I completely shut down.. My mind just reacted. My man Chico noticed the change in me immediately. Atmos got really uncomfortable. But I managed to recover and carry on small talk with Chico and on my way out, shout at the top of my voice...ADIOS AMIGOOOOO
Stamp - Success!!!

A similar thing happened to me when I popped into my old charity shop with a new woman on the til. But again recovered.



--------------------------------

Sticking points:
-Ffs Ive got to get over this fear of strangers, especially people deemed high social value. They are no better than anyone else.

- Avoidance in the moment and safety behaviors are seriously slowing my progress.

-Lacking courage in the moment.


For next time:
-Ive got to write out some new coping statments that justify me taking risks in the moment. I CANNOT rely on my old lose/lose thought patterns that force me to avoid.

- Basically learning not to give a damn what people think in the heat of the moment by sayinh internally, "I dont give a f*ck what you think!"
If it means being crude or lowering myself....whatever it takes.

-Got to start putting in the daily mirror work/practice I spoke about in earlier posts. I need to know how Im coming across and create some new positive habits. Improve my self concept.

-Clean food intake. (more energy, clear thinking)

-------------------
Laterz.

[Progress]

Originally Posted by buttonlane

- Unsure of how I come across and its adding to my avoidance and torment. If I thought I came across as a charismatic raging sex god, (wishful thinking) do you I think it would change my patterns of avoidance with women and people in my peer group in general? Answers on a postcard please.


-Got to start putting in the daily mirror talking, body language work/practice I spoke about in earlier posts. I need to know how Im coming across. *charismatic raging sex god*

You're certainly in the pattern of overthinking things that I can relate to. I don't think the solution lies in finding the answer to how you come across. You will never know the answer to that because that lies in the eyes of the beholder and every single person will have a different view. I think the answer lies in just being whatever you are (even if that is awkward and anxious looking) and not wanting to ask the question about what the other person is thinking.

I know in reality the answers are hard to come by, but I think that I've found that one of the best things is distraction. By which I mean giving your mind other things to think about - as many as possible. Think about what you're buying, what you're going to cook, the weather, SAUK, the gym. Think about the checkout girl. Really about her. All your thoughts at the moment concerning her are about you really, and how you come across to her. What about her, are you really interested? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's a question my therapist put to me once, and I know I was quite upset at the time. But the fact of the matter is that I'm not really that interested in other people. It's not something I particularly like about myself, or something that helps my life at all. But it is what it is. For me I've found the more I have going on in my life the less I think about how I am in relation to others. Suddenly I have a life, and that's what others see. Rather than no life, and just seeing a mass of self consciousness.

Originally Posted by buttonlane

-Got to start putting in the daily mirror talking, body language work/practice I spoke about in earlier posts. I need to know how Im coming across.

I know body language is important, but again I'm wondering if your technique is just encouraging the self consciousness that creates bad body language.

You talk a lot about not wanting to worry about what others think of you. But you also mention a lot of how badly you think of yourself in your interactions. What's the point of not worrying what others think when your own worst enemy, yourself, thinks so badly of yourself and is quite happy to beat the s**t out of you. I'm a big believer that SA is less about fear of others and more about a fear of ourselves. What do you think of yourself? You don't really need to answer that because it comes over pretty strongly that you have a very dim view. Is that view accurate? Would everyone hold that view?

Sorry if I come across a bit like a bad agony uncle. But I'm going to try and not worry what others think

I admire your fighting spirit, keep it up

[buttonlane]

^

The not knowing how I come across makes me more anxious. I suppose learning to be secure in myself is what im after. Developing new habits in expressing myself is what im trying to improve, not bodylanguage. (my post needs an edit) Anxiety and depression is the opposite of expression. Im simply learning to express in front of a mirror. Creating a new habit pattern and learning to express myself in public. I see it as part of my growth.
I actually agree with your point on body language..my therapist made the same point.

Appreciate your input dude..hope that clarified things.

Lol while typing this, just had a girl come up to me tryin to make convo in a pub..ffs You can imagine my reaction *brain freeze*
-----------------

Edit:

After my efforts today doing the 'small talk with people in customer service' I thought it might be abit easier than it turned out to be. It was difficult, to the point of panic, stumbling over my words and mental blocks. The coming days are going to be a real challenge but a huge step in the right direction. If I can get used to the takeaway guys....then I can get used to young people in customer service. Everyone I spoke to today was really nice, even those people I thought wouldnt be. That didnt change how my mind reacted ...but Those positive experience over time will bring the change in me I desire.

Full day off challenges tomorrow. Possible Humiliation, discomfort and making an ass of ones self. Looking forward to it. Lol. I want to change.

[buttonlane]

^ Cheers matey..

Ive come to realise that my body language is better than I thought. The problem now is what happens to my body when I engage with someone new. I shut down and find it difficult to speak normally. The whole mirror thing is learning to come across well in conversation (I have bad sa habits when talking generally). And its one way to build confidence and to develop new positive habits and then carry them into the real world.
Im taking more of a holistic approach to beating SA. That would include.

Exercise
Nutrition
Positive reinforcment
CBT
Expression techniques like bio energetics and mirror work.
Relaxation.
New interests for exposure

Some of it might seem weird...(some of it is) but thats how Bacon rolls I guess. Whatever it takes.
Did my first Chi-Lel Qigong exercises today. Another string to my bow towards growth and self healing.

Thanks for the support.

[buttonlane]

Spent a full day in town last week and noticed a big improvement in myself on the tram compared to the last couple of months. I was completely relaxed. Not sure Id be up to talking to a friend in that enviroment, yet but my general selfconsciousness has gone.
The soding tram breaks down twice, going to town and back. Ridiculous. Thats manchester trams for you, you only have to so much as spit on the tracks and the service goes down. Jokers.

One thing ive noticed is how much in my head I am... aaaaaaaallllll the time, interpreting events and reactions, real or imagined, Non stop. I torment myself with this mental loop. Ive got to stop this sh*te. Why do something that clearly isnt helping me? Being in the moment is one solution. I tend to get hyper aware of things going on around me (danger spotting) eyes darting around every where..Scaning everyone. I caught myself doing it when I was swimming, eyes darting around like twat. I managed to bring my focus of attention back to my stroke and be in the moment and what a difference it made to how I felt. If I could take that moment into my daily activities and with interactions with people that would be a big step forward.

At the Bar
Had a few panic episodes infront a guy working behind a bar. He was suprisingly cool about it, though I was weary of him, didnt take the risk and ask him how his day was. A few other things happened in the bar which brought out panic, and me making an ass of myself. So whats new. A member of staff comes over while Im staring into the mac an cheese I intend to finish and asks me if she could take my plate. To which I reply.. "no" ....Ive finished".
Sa scambles my brain, deary me. Its almost like my mind orchestrates the perfect time, the perfect moment to f*ck up.


Coffie shop
*noob moment *
In town, coffie shop, being served by sexy black girl. I pluck up the courage to ask her how her day was. *thumbs* She elaborates with a long answer, I could feel myself shrink with the pressure of having to respond. She caught me off guard with her sociable response. The best I could muster, along with my words, was a big dollop of spit shooting out of my mouth and lands on her uniform....she was not impressed and exits as quickly as possible.
My subconscious is a twat! No way in the world would that happen in ANY other non-SA situ. No way have I ever produced such a prodgious dollop of fluid while talking to someone...ffs.
Didnt really dwell on it for long though.

Hung around the hip and happening Northern quarter. I feel like Im now able to walk past groups of people with not to much visable stress, Im finding it easier.

-----------------------------------------



Learnings for next SA adventure

-Practice being in the moment as much as possible. (maybe I need to read Eckhart Tolle or something)

^ -Come up with 'in the moment solutions' to situations I know that will cause me to get self conscious & anxious. Have that ace up my sleeve by anticipating events before I go out and prepare what Im going to focus on. Experiment to see if it works in other places other than the swimming pool.

-Do something new everyweek. New environments cause stress but also cause growth. Its almost as if your expanding the mind against its will but eventually it will begrudgingly tag along and accept the new environment. Thats my experience of it since starting this diary.

- ^New environments I will explore this week...
Art cafe in town. (will enquire about volunteering here when ready)
Relaxation group.

- Put the CBT/RET into practice when Im out, to stop head junk in its tracks.

-Carry on with the 'hows your day going' questions, as Im not comfortable asking it to people in my peer group yet.