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  #631  
Old 7th May 2019, 15:20
Tom Morello Tom Morello is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Thank you, a large part of it is the pressure I put on myself to find a partner. Nearly all the people I know are in long term relationships, some are moving towards getting married and having kids. I don't necessarily want marriage or kids but I'd like a serious relationship now, I'm tired of dating and all the ghosting and rejection it brings with it.
I think my standards are very reasonable, but I feel the standards others set of me are unrealistic. Maybe I'm wrong but I have good self awareness on the whole.

Then there is this pressure from myself that I should be going on adventures, exploring the world etc. which I haven't got the interest in right now. Money isn't an issue but I really don't want the stress of doing "adventures" by myself right now, -despite people saying solo travel is the "best" I haven't enjoyed it in the past.

In the grand schemes of things my problems don't seem nearly as bad as many on here but the "beauty" of depression means I still feel bloody hopeless.
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  #632  
Old 8th May 2019, 06:43
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Whose expectations are these, skittles? The only expectations you should worry about are your own - and even then, not to the point of pressurising yourself. Everybody's path through life is different, just concentrate on what you enjoy (it was music which got me through the darkest times in my life) and don't concern yourself with the expectations of others.

@Tom: maybe it's the pressure you put on yourself which is hindering those dates from turning into relationships? I understand what you're saying, but just try relaxing and enjoying the other person's company then seeing what develops. I hate dating too, but it's a necessary evil.

With regard to exploring the world, there is plenty of time to do that; I do enjoy solo travel, but it is better to have someone (whether friends or a partner) with whom to share the memories and chat about what you're experiencing. I'm sure you'll have that in time.

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  #633  
Old 8th May 2019, 07:08
Tom Morello Tom Morello is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Music often helps me through my bad periods.

GI - maybe, perhaps I overthink it all. I feel I'm expecting rejection these days, even when I have a good date I get binned so it plays on my mind going into every date.
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  #634  
Old 8th May 2019, 07:33
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ It's a difficult one, managing expectations on a date: on the one hand, if you expect rejection, you won't be disappointed but perhaps subconsciously, you make it happen; on the other hand, if you don't, then it's harder to accept if it does happen. Damned if you do, damned if you don't!

I've always tried just to be there, without expectation - and remembering that my date also fears rejection, so not making it all about me "proving myself" but finding out about them too.

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  #635  
Old 8th May 2019, 10:49
Tom Morello Tom Morello is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^^Thanks, I actually met someone last week who appeared to have the same outlook as me on a lot of things, but it was still the same outcome. That's why I've felt shitter than usual, like if this person won't even give me a 2nd date then what hope have I got?
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  #636  
Old 15th May 2019, 08:53
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^^ I'm feeling a bit like that myself at the moment, Skittles, in that I'm existing rather than living. It's tough to get out of that cycle once you're caught up in it, but Melangell's advice is very good. Now to put some of it into practice

Look after yourself Skittles
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  #637  
Old 15th May 2019, 13:26
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way again, Skittles; there isn't much I can add to what Melangell and Consolida have said already. I do know what it's like to feel that you're just existing (that's depression in a nutshell!) and the only "antidote" I have found is having structure (as has been said already) and keeping your mind occupied so that unwelcome thoughts have no time to take hold - once you have reached a point where you're able to motivate yourself! Try to get outside as often as possible, daylight and sunshine (from which I hid for so many years) do have a positive effect.

Depression leaves us feeling that we have no purpose, no energy, no motivation, no reason... However, it is always a temporary state, no matter how long-term that temporary period might be, so when a glimmer of hope reappears, we have to cling to it and then build on it so that the spectre of depression returns less frequently and for shorter times; for so long, I felt that was futile but I know now that it can be kept at bay and I hope the same becomes true for you, Skittles.
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  #638  
Old 17th May 2019, 16:23
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

I really don't want to carry on existing if I'm going to always feel like this

I feel physically exhausted all of the time. Even when I've caught up with my sleep I still feel this all consuming sense of fatigue. Just going up and down stairs is like climbing Mount Everest.

Today I couldn't even muster up enough energy to have a wash. During some of my darkest moments in the past I still bothered to bathe and wash my hair so I know things must be bad. There's no point in seeing a Doctor (well, a Nurse because you can never see a GP here) because I'm already taking medication and have tried every type of anti-depressant available over the years, all of which had negative side effects. Besides, I know I will just be dismissed with the words 'It's probably just your age.' I eat quite healthily (lots of veg) but am piling on the weight through lack of exercise which is making me want to go out even less than before. I hate the Summer because I can't hide the blubber under baggy clothes. Even though I may be boiling I try to cover up in cardigans as long as I can.

I can't imagine things ever feeling any better. I feel like I'm trapped in a prison that there is no escape from. As much as I love my husband and son, I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up
Please don't quote as I will delete this
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  #639  
Old 17th May 2019, 16:45
Merritt Merritt is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ I'm sorry you're feeling so down I can relate to all of that, apart from the healthy eating Wish I had some encouraging words, but I hate giving hollow platitudes. I wouldn't want to make you feel like what you're experiencing is trivial, or 'just a phase' that'll soon go away by itself, because I know how devastatingly rotten it can be, and that it's a serious thing. I guess all I can say is try (whenever you can) to go easy on yourself, to rest if you're exhausted, and not beat yourself up if your daily routines seem too hard. You're doing your best to keep going under the circumstances, and you deserve a lot of credit for that.
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  #640  
Old 18th May 2019, 02:07
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Thanks for your response Merrit, it's really very much appreciated

I'm very sorry that you can relate to so much of what I'm describing because I wouldn't wish this kind of Depression on my worst enemy let alone on a kind hearted person such as yourself

When I said that I mostly eat healthily I should have perhaps added that I do often binge on chocolate if it's available. The sugary foods always bring the most comfort but are also packed with the most calories.

I did force myself to have a shower in the evening - tbh, it felt like I'd run a marathon afterwards so I will try to give myself a little bit of credit for doing that and not just getting back under the duvet.

I'm hoping to get out over the weekend even if it's just for a little walk but we shall see

I hope your weekend is a good one Merrit, or at least not a bad one
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  #641  
Old 18th May 2019, 16:54
anewyear anewyear is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^^^^ Does your husband know how low you're feeling at the moment? Are you able to identify anything that might give you a small lift (a lie-in, a meal cooked by someone else, a particular treat etc) that you could ask others for?
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  #642  
Old 18th May 2019, 21:36
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ My feeling is that if you've done tidying, cleaning and cooking then you have some positive energy and thoughts, so things may not be quite as bad as they seem.

Every day, try making a list of the good things in your life, no matter how small. You might be surprised it's longer than you think when you really sit down and think about it.

Remember, if you harm yourself, your loved ones will be devastated.

Take care skittles and look after yourself.
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  #643  
Old 19th May 2019, 07:41
Ronnie_Pickering Ronnie_Pickering is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Happiness is not something you can chase, it's not like the movies. Most of life is just going from day to day.
It'll be more weird if you didn't have enjoyments. To enjoy a Netflix series, to enjoy some chocolate, to enjoy a cup of tea, to enjoy some music, to enjoy a bath, to enjoy a magazine.
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  #644  
Old 19th May 2019, 10:48
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

@ Skittles Aww, you have been doing so well recently despite the horrendous Depression that continually drags you down. It can only be a good thing that you are tying to keep as busy as you can as I know only too well how difficult that is when energy and motivation levels are at zero levels.
Try not to isolate yourself from your friends or family as I'm sure they would want to support you through this even if they don't always know the right words. Other people can serve as a little bit of a distraction from Depression if not SA!

Even though I know the online world is no substitute, you know that people understand and care about you here, Skittles, myself included, and you are always welcome to send a PM if you ever wish to chat




@ Biscuits Thank you, as always, for your lovely words Biscuits

I am trying to take tiny steps at a time and I did manage to go for a walk yesterday evening, even though it was only a walk around the block. I actually slept better last night than I have done in ages, so maybe that little bit of exercise and fresh air helped.

Aww, I'm not sure about the SAUK mum title, lol, it makes me feel terribly old! Besides, the younger posters here are coping far better than me with their battles with poor mental health so any advice from me is pretty useless. I WILL take it as a lovely compliment though seeing as it's coming from you



@ anewyear Thanks for the kind feedback anewyear

Yep, my husband knows how I feel only too well and is very understanding because he suffers with Depression himself. If just one of us is Depressed I guess it's easier to be supportive and upbeat for the other but when we are both struggling there is the risk of unintentionally pulling one another down and just going into hibernation mode together and bingeing on chocolate. It can be swings and roundabouts being married to a fellow SA sufferer but tis mostly very good - definitely
Unfortunately though he can't fix my faulty damaged brain
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  #645  
Old 20th May 2019, 20:50
choirgirl choirgirl is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Sorry to come barging in here, but Consolida, have you had your thyroid checked? It's just given your age, gender, weight piling on, low energy, it could be worth looking into.
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  #646  
Old 21st May 2019, 03:42
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^^ No need to apologise Biscuits. I took your lovely words as a compliment and I'm happy to be referred to as 'mum'. However, I wouldn't be too impressed with 'gran' although I know there are some people who become grandparents in their 30's

^ Choirgirl, thanks so much for your very helpful and thoughtful advice.
I had tests a couple of years back when I felt this lethargic and they came back normal so I suspect that it's a combination of erratic middle aged hormones, Depression and the fact that my little boy has grown up and no longer needs me in the same way (eg. loss of my sole purpose in life).

I do strongly believe that Depression can become a vicious circle. When you feel Depressed (due to past regrets, disappointments or lack of purpose) enthusiasm and motivation levels naturally plummet, you isolate yourself and sort of go into semi hibernation mode. But this merely adds fuel to the exhaustion and fatigue. The key is to break that cycle but it can feel like an absolutely impossible task when you can barely find the energy to get out of bed each day. However, now the better weather has arrived, I've started to FORCE myself out of the house to take little walks and I think it's a positive step as I felt just a tad energised afterwards and, for a while at least, like I could see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, I'll lose those extra pounds I've gained once I start moving again.

Anyway, I'll clear off this thread now as the suicidal thoughts have subsided for now!


Hopefully, other posters here that feel like they want to sleep forever can find their little chink of light too and never ever give up on the hope that things can improve.
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  #647  
Old 21st May 2019, 10:49
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Hi Consolida and skittles,

Glad to read you're both feeling a bit better and somewhat energised. That's great! Fresh air and sunshine really helps.

I know it sounds very trite indeed, but helping others when you are yourself feeling down can make you feel a lot better, at least in my experience, because as you know you've done something to help others, you also feel better in yourself. Also, it helps take your mind off your struggles for a bit and you feel more part of a bigger picture again, which is important. Depression can be so isolating. You both sound like really good people and I bet you have loads to give.

When I was really depressed, which I have been a number of times, I did some volunteering (and in fact, still do, even though I'm not longer majorly depressed) and not only did I feel useful to others, I also felt I'd helped myself, because we are ultimately all a part of the same collective. (Conversely, helping yourself also helps those around you).

These two quotes are quite inspirational:

Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.
--H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.
--Chinese proverb

Maybe, in time, some kind of volunteering could be worth thinking about, to help give your day-to-day more meaning and structure? I know it's hard to summon up the necessary energy when you're depressed though.

You're both very valued members of our community, so please take good care of yourselves
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  #648  
Old 21st May 2019, 17:36
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melangell
Let’s take advantage of the season and the dry weather and get outside, get some fresh air and sunshine xx
This is great advice. Nothing beats low mood like moving in natural light (assuming you don't live in a horrible, depressing area). Even better, go somewhere that dwarfs you and makes you feel insignificant. Climb to the top of a mountain and look up at the stars. Realize just how tiny and insignificant you really are. 500 years from now no one will even know that you, or I, or anyone on this forum ever existed. We, and all our problems and pain, will be totally forgotten. The stars and the mountains will still be there though. And they won't give a damn either. But don't see that as depressing and negative; see it as joyful and liberating!! Life is a joke
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  #649  
Old 22nd May 2019, 10:42
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Quote:
Originally Posted by skittles88
good to hear you got out Consolida and glad you are feeling better.
Thanks Skittles I hope you are feeling a little better today



Quote:
Originally Posted by Melangell
Good to hear you are getting out, Consolida :hug2
Thanks



Quote:
Originally Posted by limey123
Hi Consolida and skittles,

Glad to read you're both feeling a bit better and somewhat energised. That's great! Fresh air and sunshine really helps.
Thanks Limey - the brighter weather does seem to be helping

Your advice about Volunteering is certainly worth thinking about.
I did do a lot of volunteering in the past for Social Services and found most of it to be very fulfilling although on the odd occasion someone would forget that I was a Volunteer and not a paid employee! I think next time I might prefer to work with animals.

I'm very glad to hear that Volunteering has helped to alleviate your Depression somewhat Limey
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  #650  
Old 24th May 2019, 00:15
Consolida Consolida is offline
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^ I have no words (which makes a change, I know) so just sending you a really big hug Skittles x
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  #651  
Old 24th May 2019, 14:18
Orwell20 Orwell20 is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Hermann Hesse ^^^

Yeah, that's true. I was desperately unhappy throughout my teens and twenties. But, no matter how awful I felt, at least I had hope. That's the truly awful thing about midlife depression - you know there isn't any hope. My future is a lonely old age, then a visit to the doctor (alone), the cancer or Parkinson's diagnosis (alone) and then death (alone). I'm in my 40s now. Most people my age are building their career and raising their children, while simultaneously looking back with nostalgia at their crazy youth and all the fun and adventures. When I look back, I feel nothing but regret, sadness, guilt, grief and shame. I have no happy memories, literally none. Thankfully, I'm pretty cut off from my feelings, and I've blanked out most of the past. Which is fine - I don't want to remember any of it. To make it even more horrible time is speeding up. Yesterday it was xmas, today I'm sitting here sweating, tomorrow it will be a chilly Autumn day then xmas again. It's ****ing terrifying.
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  #652  
Old 24th May 2019, 17:50
limey123 limey123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy77
To make it even more horrible time is speeding up.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_p...anges_with_age
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  #653  
Old 28th May 2019, 04:10
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Although you have been struggling so much with Depression you aren't giving in to your darkest thoughts. You are so much stronger than you think and should be proud of yourself for that. Keep on hanging in there Skittles x
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  #654  
Old 31st May 2019, 03:17
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ I'm still here too Skittles
Try to resist the urge to totally isolate yourself from people, at least not from the people who want to offer emotional support here, as I've found that it can often end up making you feel even more alone and depressed.

I don't like to think of you hibernating in bed but I've been doing that rather a lot myself lately and so when I read your posts it helps me too to know that I'm not totally alone with my Depression
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  #655  
Old 1st June 2019, 08:05
Merritt Merritt is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ Hope you're staying safe, skittles

I feel like a massive loser and it makes me wish I were dead, and the fact that I'd rather die than do anything about my loserness makes me feel like an even bigger loser, making me want to be dead all the more. I really feel like I'm taking the absolute piss by breathing the same air as everyone else.
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  #656  
Old 2nd June 2019, 01:30
Consolida Consolida is offline
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Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

^ How have you been feeling today Skittles?
I hope you perhaps managed to step outside and enjoy the sunshine
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  #657  
Old 3rd June 2019, 16:31
Consolida Consolida is offline
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^ Thank you Melangell I hope you are well x
I second what you've said about sending kind thoughts to anyone here who is feeling low.

I'm really hoping Skittles is okay as I don't think she has posted in a couple of days.
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  #658  
Old 5th June 2019, 06:51
Consolida Consolida is offline
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^ You are doing really well there Skittles. I know it's so hard for you at the moment but please keep resisting that urge to harm yourself. Do you have a friend or relative you could confide in?

Btw, no one is going to shoot you because you are far too nice for that
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  #659  
Old 5th June 2019, 10:38
AireleeBray AireleeBray is offline
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Mood
Blah

Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

Really really thinking about it
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  #660  
Old 5th June 2019, 12:40
AireleeBray AireleeBray is offline
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Blah

Default Re: The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

the weekend & monday were just so bad & im stuck now i have nothing & i will be nothing now.
Ive been living with the promise of a fantasy
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