Don't know where to turn

[enruobmal]

I'm feeling really depressed right now and so lonely. I'm getting sick of feeling like this! I want to live a normal life!

In terms of SA, mine isn't that bad. I can talk to people I don't know, speak to people in shops, go out with friends etc, but when I feel very low I distance myself from people and I feel so lonely.

My housemates are away this weekend and my boyfriend wants a couple of days apart because my depression is getting to him, so I'm all alone in the house.

My main problem is that I can't open up; I don't know what my underlying issue is. I have had 9 counselling sessions 2 years ago and about 8 CBT sessions last year - but I couldn't open up properly. I was too worried about sounding bad.

My parents don't know about my problems, nor do most of my friends. My parents and a couple of my friends know about the anti depressants, but not the extent of the depression. My boyfriend's the only one who knows and understands the most as he has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and is still taking meds himself. The difference between me and him is that he is very confident and outgoing. We have been together for 3 years next month and I'm so worried about him one day giving up on me. The depression is a huge strain on our relationship.

I'm feeling so tired at the moment, I'll sleep a whole night's sleep, but still feel exhausted and my eyes really hurt. I'm in my final year of university (started lectures this week), so I need to be as alert as possible to be able to work.

I feel like I'm living a lie with almost everyone around me. I'm very good at putting an act on around my housemates (although they must have heard me crying), friends and parents.

I just want to be happy and content with life. I just don't know what to do.

[Azi]

I find the same - I put on a brave face for family and friends but here you can share anything you want. Do try not to protect everyone from how you're feeling as it only magnifies it for yourself. I know it sounds like a cliche but a problem shared is often a problem halved. Its great that you and your boyfriend can talk about it though.

Wishing you every happiness

Azi

[Peab]

enruobmal, i don't really know what to say to that , except that i hope you are feeling a bit better now...

[MissThing]

Hi

You sound exactly like me when I was at university. I put on a brave face about everything and was mortified at the idea that anyone would see a chink in my "armour". It's taken a good few years, but I'm now at the point where I can talk about my anxiety fairly freely, I've even surprised myself by bringing it up with friends. And it really is a great relief.

The worst reaction I'd say I've had from anyone is indifference, when I was expecting people to be shocked and appalled at my 'weakness'!! Going around burdened with all these anxious / sad feelings is enough for anyone to bear, I hope that you can find it in yourself to start telling people what's going on.When you're feeling so crappy anyway what have you got to lose!

Take Care,

Thing

x

[bluebottle]

I'm at exactly the same place myself right now, only I have just started a new job and I'm experiencing big adjustment problems. I also feel that no one would understand me and I feel unable to share my pain, and when I do it feels terrible as I fear others wouldn't take me seriously any longer.

It's good to know that this forum exists though, innit?

Hope we'll both feel better really soon.

[enruobmal]

MissThing, I'm hoping that one day I can talk freely about the anxiety. I'm just so worried that my friends will not understand or disown me when I tell them. I have made a lot more friends in uni than I have in my hometown (only have about 3 friends in my hometown, 1 of which I'll see on a regular basis when I am home, which isn't often).

This forum is a great help when I'm feeling down and I hope that this year, (while in my last year of uni) I can sort out all of my problems before I go into the working world.