No friends for 5 years

Matthew789 · #1 24th October 2012, 17:51

I have no friends at all not even online! I feel so uncomfortable when talking to people I don't know. I never Know what to say and I always worry over wether I've said the right thing or not. Other people tend not to speak to me at all so I never have an oppertunity to change or get to know people.

I have no social life at all with people my age. Ive just started uni and I feel more isolated than ever. The only people I go out with are my parents. Part of the problem is that im very mature for my age. Im not into partying or drinking. If I could talk I would like intelligant conversations. I can never let myself go or act silly.

Everyone else seems to have lots of friends already and they don't need any more and they always hangout in big groups. I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. How on earth can I ever fit in? This is not how things should be at my age and I feel like im wasting so much of my life. If this continues I will never have any friends or a relationship. Can anyone else relate to this and does anyone have any advice?

Joe27 · #2 24th October 2012, 18:00

I can't offer any advice I'm afraid mate, but I find myself in an identical position to yourself. I stated uni this year and I'm facing the same kind of isolation issues yo are. I get the feeling a lot of people go through the same thing and I don't know of anyone who doesn't agree that it does get easier with time.

As far as not being able to speak to people goes I found CBT to be massively helpful, just a thought.

Hope things improve for you soon.

Mina · #3 24th October 2012, 18:04

Hi Matthew789

you sound so much like me, I could have written that post word-for-word myself.

Now you are a member of SAUK you have lots of friends, because you can always post and get advice here, and there's opportunities to attend SAUK meets (when you're up to it) and be part of an online community.

Depending on how good you are at managing your SA there are ways of meeting new people at uni that don't involve clubbing and drinking. I used to be in a university walking society and some uni's have book groups or debate clubs which are good for mature conversation!

The fact that you go places with your parents is also a good thing, you are being exposed to conversations or events that challenge your SA and might help you improve, and if your family are supportive that can really help you reach out of your comfort zone sometimes.

Purple Lightning · #4 24th October 2012, 20:27

I don't have much in the way of advice but I can relate to everything you say. I have made progress by making sure I push myself out of my social comfort zone just a little each day ... I am not where I want to be yet but I am getting there and that is the most important thing. Don't be hard on yourself and stay focused ... you can do this, you sound like a great guy who has such a lot to offer.

thisplanet · #5 25th October 2012, 01:41

I spent three years at Uni without making a single friend. Without even speaking for months at a time.

Above all, I wish I'd admitted I had a problem and then done something. Seen the counselor, explored CBT etc. That way I could have begun to question the way I think about things and the way I act.

I might have begun to wonder why people aren't speaking to me: could it mostly be because I'm actually avoiding them when the opportunity arises? Rather than them avoiding me? Am I trying not to make eye contact? Not taking the initiative to voice an opinion, instead waiting for a direct question?

Do I really dislike partying? Or is it just because I am afraid of doing something so completely social due to my SA?

Is there really nothing I have in common with others? What about being a new student at the same university as someone? Is that enough? How much do I have to have in common with someone before I can get on with them? Does it make sense to ask that question? And how do I know if I have anything in common with them if I have never spoken to them?

Whatever you do, don't just sit in your room brooding for three years. It's not that great, trust me, and you'll definitely regret it.

It's not easy, not as easy as avoiding everyone, but you really do need to push yourself to get things to change. It'll be slow, but you will see progress.

Clockface · #6 25th October 2012, 07:55

The only advice I can really offer is to try and encourage yourself to strike up conversations, and this may be easier with new students as you can start off with something basic like where are they from and what are their interests. This can then evolve into a much more intriguing conversation which just naturally happens once you have built a rapport. I was in the same situation when I started uni as I had no social life back home but I now have some great friends who I am still in touch with. I totally agree with people on this thread, you can talk to us on this forum for help and support and at universities there is normally an activity for everyone so whatever you're into I'm sure you'll find something, and its a great way to meet people too. Good luck! :-)

Progress · #7 25th October 2012, 10:41

I just wonder if it might be useful to clearly separate in your mind, the two aspects you mention. On the one hand you are quite different from many other people in where your interests lie. The other thing is that you feel uncomfortable with this fact. I think questions it might be useful for you to answer are things like

Do you like being the way you are - not in comparison to others, but for example do you like serious conversations (I think you've already answered that).
Do you want to change to more of a partying type or stay as you are. If you want to change, is that possible and realistic.
Could you be comfortable with people seeing you for how you actually are rather than trying to conform to their stereotype.

I often think about eccentrics (without SA). These are people who do not conform to the norms of society but are happy to get on with their own thing. It strikes me that with the anxiety aspect added it makes us feel that we should be like others or else we are somehow 'not normal'. I wonder if a lot of energy is wasted trying to become more like others when that is clearly not being true to our own true personality. If we can become more comfortable with who we actually are then the anxiety will become less and we will be able to interact more comfortably. We will still probably never be able to socialise fully with those going down the pub and drinking all the time, but there will always be some group of people that we can find to be comfortable with.

Good luck with uni, and in finding some friends, I know you can.

unsteddie · #8 25th October 2012, 21:34

Hi,
there wont be a single person on here that doesnt know what your going through.
We have all been there or are there.
Im sure that you will move forward, you have taken a big step in going to uni and only advice I have is just to try and enjoy yourself and go with what ever feel's right at the time, and just dont put yourself in to many uncomfortable situations to quickly.
If you dont have any friends there at the moment then go out on your own somewhere..quick drink, cinema, walk, exercise..
your in a good position to make alot of headway as its not as if anyone knows you so you can do what you please!
When im in a situation where im alone and somewhere that im not known I sometimes like to try and act all important and confident and walk around with a purpose even though i dont have one most of the time..lol it can actually be fun checking out people reactions to you, thats if your not feeling to anxious at the time, otherwise you can become overstimulated... but hey who cares.. experiment with different sides of yourself, i believe theres a confident fun person lurking in everyone, its just doing the right things and finding that person within yourself.

right I probably waffled on there, so sorry about that!
I hope all goes well for you, and in alot of ways I wish I were in your situation.

STRING3R · #9 25th October 2012, 21:43

Do you have any nice people in your classes at Uni? If so maybe you could ask them after class if they want to go to lunch.

Matthew789 · #10 25th October 2012, 23:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by STRING3R

Do you have any nice people in your classes at Uni? If so maybe you could ask them after class if they want to go to lunch.

I don't know anyone on my course. The problem is I only see them at leactures and you can't talk in them. Everyone sits with there own friends and I sit by myself. I can't just approach a group of people I don't know and start talking. What would I say? Its hard to find an opportunity. Perhaps I give off signals to people around me that im uncomfortable in there presence. Maybe its because I have nothing to say because my interests are different. Others just tend to leave me alone. This may be easier for me in the short term but it does not help me recover. How can I let them know that Im very quiet but I don't want to be ignored completely. It seems like the only thing they know is drinks and nightclubs and they are so noisy and stupid! and im just not like that. I feel like an alien among them.