Suicide!

This is how im feeling at the moment. Pretty much everything in my life remains the same.daily. I dont really have financial obligations, i have a caring family, albeit small, i have my health, i have friends.

Suicide becomes more and more a subject of thought. I now think about it like someone calmly considering an upgrade on a car. With thought and reason, and not irrrationally, or through desperation.

As i get further into my thirties, and with time sweeeping past it seems the suffering and loneliness will only increase. As age comes, this will start to leave irreversable marks, family and friends will decline. My daily optimism of changing into the person who, say, (finds self esteem, self acceptance, absence of mood swings etc etc) is slowly but surely drying up.

I guess there is only so many years you can take of seeing a beautiful women, or doting father, or, well pretty much everyone I see through my eyes, and feel overpowered by pain and complete sadness at the fact you can never ever have that! Even though psyically it may be possible.

I guess the Social Anxiety is taking it toll after so many years, and im so tired of trying to be like the people I see through my eyes, even though i can, have, probely will, hold the same traits, will never feel it. Never have!

With pressure to be non single (societys rule's) and the realization of this as a possible permanant fixture, only serves as another daily/hourly knife to the old chest. Will I top myself? Not tonight, but man I dunno how long it can last.

Yeah, I get like that, and this hot weather makes it worst, where I work there are dozens and dozens of beautifull and intelligent young woman, they look so lovely and now that SA isnt such a problem with me, its too late!, Iam too old, yet still have that unfullfilled desire.

One thing I do know though regarding suicide, suicide isnt going to get you a lovely young woman, it ends the slim chance that you could actually meet and fall in Love with one. So it wont help you there, in fact I think suicide could make my life even worst, I wouldnt be able to listen to any music I like, wouldnt be able to play the guitar, or have a nice cold beer on a hot day, wouldnt be able to ride a Norton through the country lanes of kent and smell the fresh smell of spring and see the lambs in the fields. Wouldnt be able to go to Poland and get picked up by those beautifull friendly Polish girls who think your the bees knees (and rich) because your English,
Now theres an idea
and Ive still got some holiday left!

I can relate to what Leeks & Bacon is saying, I'm about to turn 25 this month and am dreading what it'll be like by the time I get past my 30's.

My daily optimism of changing into the person who, say, (finds self esteem, self acceptance, absence of mood swings etc etc) is slowly but surely drying up.

I feel the same way, constantly hoping but unable to change things, constantly being let down by my SA. I have in the past thought about it but now I seem to think about it more and more. That emptiness inside me just won't go away. I at times even feel an uneasy calm when I think about it, like what can be worse. Its worse when I think about it out of frustration, and that seems to happen nearly everytime I step out of my shell and try do something to better my situation. The avoidance part of my SA has gotten so worse over the years, that I even avoided going to a friends wedding this week, mainly SA reasons, plus I just couldn't face the fact that everyone else has moved on with their lives, a few married, some with kids, the whole lot whilst i'm still here stuck trying to cope with my life.

Despite all of that I'm willing to somehow hang in there for a little longer, its only recently that I've found out about SA although I've been suffering from it from as far back as I can remember. Right now I'm trying to pluck together the courage to go and see a doctor about it, I need advice and will post a thread.

It seems ironic that I can even offer advice or words of encouragement here when I feel the same way, but I'm feeling okay at the moment so here goes...

There is hope Leeks, look at it this way, some people even go way past their 30's and 40's and still manage to get themselves together and live happy and fulfilling lives whatever they're facing. There always a chance that something good can or will happen, ending it all will mean that possibility is reduced to zero. I'm hoping that optimism does pay off and eventually gives us the drive we need to make the changes necessary, just to at least be happy in whatever way.

Hang in there, whatever you do.

Maybe The Lonely,Boney One can pass a few tips on holidaying in Poland

[Claireabell]

Most of us have had suicidal thoughts when life does doesn't seem living. You look around and everyone seems to be having fun whilst you look on and wish you could be in their shoes. It is hard but you can pull yourself through. There are lots of people on here who would be willing to listen if you need someone to talk to, I am sure you will have some PM's sent through to you. It helps to have someone listen and personaaly I feel better afterwards. You only have to look back over past threads to see how it can make us feel.

Somebody on here said to someone feeling suicidal recently, "Why deny the world Your Specialness", those were some of the most beautiful words that I have heard in a long time and sums up the person that said it. There is hope and people do go into their 30's and 40's and still manage to get things together and live fulfilling lives. Do go to your doctor and tell him how you are feeling. If you need someone to talk to you can contact me on
email cdonaghue@blueyonder.co.uk
msn cdonaghue@hotmail.co.uk
I don't promise to have the answers but it is good to talk.

Take Care

Claire

[Huggy Kitty]

Originally Posted by Leeks & Bacon

I guess there is only so many years you can take of seeing a beautiful women, or doting father, or, well pretty much everyone I see through my eyes, and feel overpowered by pain and complete sadness at the fact you can never ever have that! Even though psyically it may be possible.

With pressure to be non single (societys rule's) and the realization of this as a possible permanant fixture, only serves as another daily/hourly knife to the old chest. Will I top myself? Not tonight, but man I dunno how long it can last.

I can see how this would lead to the situation you have found yourself in. I have often thought along these lines, in a sense of looking far into the future (as I'm still in my twenties) but these have faded away now. When I do actually get to the crunch time, if I haven't managed to set myself up for the good life, then I'd shoot myself in the face at thirty-nine years old. No point going on beyond that.

Thank you very much for the replies, its appreciated greatly. I have my moments, pretty much vented at frustration and desperation, where I feel the need for a cry out.

The hardest thing I feel is what is it I want? What is so frickin special about the so called normal ones, why am i constently always feeling lesser than everyone, even when I think about it the majority of people I meet and who's opinions of me count so much, are in fact a-holes anyway!!!!

Is it love? is it the feeling of being part of something! Maybe im a a bit like a squirrel living amongst pidgeons,(heh heh, i see it up my local park) I can fit in, but something sure isnt right. Or is it simply my brain only issues a lesser % of fuel needed, compared to most.

Anyway, thanks guys.

How dya know if you've got or had a PM?

You get a little box that pops up and tells, but you have to make sure it is switched on, go to control panel, then edit options and make sure there is a dot in the Enable Private Messaging and Show New Private Message Notification Pop-up.

Hope that helps if not let me know

I have just sent you a pm

[Lainey]

Hi Leeks

It sounds like you have a lot of things that are good in your life. SA can be horrendous, but it is only one part of you. Why not remind yourself of the strong parts of yourself. And you say you have got friends and caring family, so you can't be that bad ! I believe you will be fine, but get as much help for your problem from wherever you can. E-mail or IM me if you need to talk.