Is it good to have lots of arguments in a healthy relationship?

NikNox · #1 2nd February 2007, 16:20

Not really an SA related question but just wanted to get everyone's thoughts on the above question...

slrrrrp · #2 2nd February 2007, 16:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by NikNox

Not really an SA related question but just wanted to get everyone's thoughts on the above question...

Depends what you mean by "good" - it's definitely not pleasant, I know that!!!

#3 2nd February 2007, 16:29

Depends on the type of argument.

Serious arguments that show resentments like 'You never want to do the things I want' or 'You always let me down'?

Or silly tiffs about who's got the remote or who's turn is to clean the bathroom?

I don't believe that arguing (major or petty) is a sign of a healthy relationship.

I would hate to get myself into a relationship where one or both people is getting off on conflict or drama. I'd rather stay single forever than get embroiled in that kind of bullshit.

From my own experience, having regular arguments is a big warning sign of the relationship going down the pan.

But it really depends on the individuals involved, how much they love each other, how commited they are, and all sorts of things.

mico · #4 2nd February 2007, 16:59

As it's been pointed out, no one can really answer that question. Disagreements arn't always bad and everyone lets off a bit steam at times with the people who they are closest to, but it is reallt dependant on what is driving the arguments.

If you can ask yourself what is the driving force and you can be kind enough to give yourself an honest answer (easier said than done) then you should be able to figure it out yourself.

#5 2nd February 2007, 17:40

Not arguments as such more like tiffs, keeps you on ya toes and we end up laughing cos we cant argue anyways. If you are having full blown arguments where you walk out or dont talk for ages then thats usually the beginning that its not a healthy relationship.

Innervision · #6 3rd February 2007, 01:47

I can't answer for others because as people have already stated, it depends on many things and is not such a black and white issue.

For me personally, I don't find it healthy at all. I've had a fair few volatile relationships where arguements were common. Now although this can stir things up and add a certain spice to a relationship, I tend to find it all ultimately destructive.

I found that things can escalate, and boundaries eventually get crossed. I've been with more than one female who crossed the line between being up for a row to actually being violent, vicious and abusive. These days, if a woman crosses that line with me she is out of the door straight away. Lots of arguments tend to put (some) people on the slippery slope to loss of mutual respect and trust, so I try to avoid argumentative people coming into my life now.

If a couple are arguing a lot, there must be issues that need looking at. If it continues then it is clear nothing is being addressed. I can't see many positives in that, really.
I've been with my current partner for around 3 years, and we've not had a single serious argument in all that time. We don't need to because we are compatible and work together rather than against each other. That's how I prefer it. I'd not entertain an argumentative partner ever again.

Many people thrive on drama and stimulation, and I need a certain stimulation myself. Maybe I used to get a bit of that from my more volatile past relationships, but these days I try to get that stimulation from more positive means.

Inability to communicate for either one or both partners can also lead to repetative arguments. One not listening to the other properly can also be a big factor. For some, the only way they get heard is if they shout and argue, so I can well understand why it happens, but I'm just weary of all that now, so need a non-argumentative person who is more inclined to talk and listen in equal measure. If you've got that, there is little need to argue all the time.

Penda · #7 3rd February 2007, 08:48

I can't really comment on the relationship part, but as a rule I never argue with anyone. I feel vulnerable showing any sort of emotion, so I usually just end up agreeing with them and avoid the situation.

bozrena · #8 3rd February 2007, 10:20

it's not exactly pleasant, but I think a healthy relationship is one where you do have arguments (no couple gets along 100% of the time!) but you always make up in the end - it does make the relationship stronger (and making up is always lots of fun!)

Pink Womble · #9 3rd February 2007, 11:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazyfairyx
However, some people thrive on conflict, they need it to mentally and emotionally stimulate them, and if both people are like that then I don't think there's a problem as long as they are resolved.

I agree totally with that. I start feeling trapped with people if I'm out with someone and we agree too much. It shows a bit of a contrary streak I guess! I get on best with people (partners and friends) when we have the same basic interests and values, but still disagree on a few things too.

That said, there's a huge difference between disagreeing and just arguing for the hell of it. When someone stops listening I reckon it's time to call it a day.

Innervision · #10 3rd February 2007, 15:00

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pink Womble

I agree totally with that. I start feeling trapped with people if I'm out with someone and we agree too much. It shows a bit of a contrary streak I guess! I get on best with people (partners and friends) when we have the same basic interests and values, but still disagree on a few things too.

That said, there's a huge difference between disagreeing and just arguing for the hell of it. When someone stops listening I reckon it's time to call it a day.

I agree with much of this post.

I also get bored if with someone I'm totally the same as. I need variety and stimulation. This often includes differences of opinion and debate. That, for me, spices things up. I don't buy the idea that people can only get such spice from arguments (not that you are saying that

). Arguments tend to be a very poor means of communication, and can often lead to resentment and anger.

I find disagreeing to be fine, but arguments? No, not for me. They are a poor substitute for constructive dialogue. If arguments are frequent, one or both participants eventually tend to simply close their ears, so much is said, but little is actually taken on board.

The thread starter was talking about "lots of arguments" rather than the odd 'clear the air' type of thing. To my mind, if there are a lot of arguments it is because things are not being resolved. This cannot be healthy in the long-run. Few things get resolved in anger, so mature interaction is needed eventually anyway.

I'd dispute anyone saying a healthy relationship 'needs' arguments. The most healthy relationship I've ever had in my 25+ years in different relationships is my current one of 3 years, and we've not had a single serious argument. Plenty of talk and plenty of different views, but not argument.

We all thrive on different ways of relating, though, so my way will not suit everyone, of course. As long as both partners are getting their needs met by how they thrash out their differences, it's all good.