Feeling very deflated...

[Leafy]

hey

I've had a reeeally cruddy day. I went into London for a work related event and then had to go to therapy, but my day started going pear shaped from 7 o'clock this morning. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam on my way to the train station and after travelling for an hour, I decided to do a detour to a different train station. This decision screwed up my plans for my return journey, but I didn't really have a choice.

I rocked up an hour late to the event in London that I really didn't want to be at. I only went because I was 'strongly advised' to attend by my old manager. I previously told him that I didn't want to go because I had therapy afterwards - his response was just to leave the event early. It took me three hours to get from London to where I needed to be for therapy (for which I was still ten minutes late for) so I've travelled for a total of seven hours today!! That's on top of being in a total state of anxiety all day, nearly passing out and having a rather emotional therapy session due to today's traumatic experiences! I'm so wired I now can't sleep :-(

I'm considering telling my new manager about how difficult today was for me. He is waaay more understanding than my old boss. I wish I hadn't gone through with today as it has all been too much. Has anyone else divulged anything like this to work colleagues/managers?

[Leafy]

Thanks Winter. I am still here, lol. I burst into tears whilst having a meeting with my new manager today. I'm still burnt out. Something he said just triggered me. I didn't say too much but I said enough.
You're right about weighing up whether or not to divulge stuff to a manager. Luckily, he's a caring character unlike my last boss who was as cold as stone and pretended to care when it was obvious he didn't!
Even though I cried my eyes out, I feel a sense of relief!

[Professor Willow]

I guess I've been lucky with bosses and colleagues when it comes to my mental health problems, no one ever belittled me and understood when I said I didn't want to be treated any differently to normal.
It was one of the hardest things to reveal, that I suffered from panic attacks and anxiety especially being a bloke, we're meant to be big and tough but it was causing me huge stress trying to hide it.

So yeah, from my perspective honesty was the best policy.
Hope that things get better for you soon Leafy

[Leafy]

Biscuits, D1662.. thanks for your concern, I really do appreciate it.
D1662.. it's comforting to hear that you've had supportive bosses and colleagues. As much as I don't want to be treated any differently, there are some things that are very difficult but I will do anyway like tag along to a customer meeting. I draw the line at public speaking as I'm not ready for that. I start getting panic attacks weeks before any team building exercises - HR are aware and try to put me in with a 'safe' group where I don't need to do any presenting but even the group work is very stressful. My new manager now knows I have therapy so in time I'll tell him about the anxiety too.
My husband and I went to a theme park with friends a few weeks ago and despite me being absolutely terrified of the rides, I rode on all except the last one which I only bottled out of because a friend did. My husband was disturbed at the amount of terror I put myself through and encouraged me to give the last ride a rest. I don't understand how I managed to put myself on the rides. I screamed my lungs out more than anyone, it was crazy. Thinking about it, I was raised by a severely mentally ill mother and an abusive father so feeling terrified on a daily basis was the norm for me and disassociation was one of my coping strategies. I still have trouble with boundaries so knowing when I'm pushing myself too far is a struggle. Obviously, I pushed myself way too far when I took myself to London that day. I was too scared to stand up to my old boss and thought I'd be able to cope even though I knew it would be difficult. I'm ok though, this is a turning point I think.