Who genuinely doesn't want to exist anymore

[Tom1985]

I genuinely don't get any pleasure out of life.
I'm 34 years old, never found a job I'm happy with. Feel anxious, inept and uncomfortable around people so withdraw.
Don't feel connected to other people. Feel exhausted when with other people.
Feel pathetic, worn out, lethargic. Don't feel excited for anything. Everything
is an effort.
Feel like I have a combination of depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety.
Currently waiting for an appointment from a psychiatrist after telling my Gp I think I have bipolar. (there is evidence that I may have)
I don't know what to say. I wonder if I'll ever sort my head and my life out and be in a content place in life.
I wish I had somebody in my life that understands. I wish I had somebody to meet up and chat to that knew exactly how I felt. I wish I could be a friend for somebody else.

[Schmosby]

I've never wanted to exist.

[Rocket Spud]

[Dougella]

When you're suffering from a combination of severe anxiety and depression it's really no wonder that you feel as you do, it's really tough!

The only thing I can say is that it is possible to feel better. I never thought I would, I don't think I really remembered what happiness felt like but here I am in my mid 30s and things have started to change. It was so gradual I hardly noticed until I thought, oh I seem to be feeling ok the majority of the time, when did that happen! And I haven't been putting loads of effort in to trying to get better or push myself, in fact what I have done is take the pressure off myself.

Anyway, I'm rambling. All I would say it is entirely possible to feel a lot better than you do right now.

[Sisyphus]

+1

To both ^ and the thread title.

[Lone Dog]

I was just watching TV last night and thinking life isn't like a TV show or film, you never get to the end credits. You never hear Cecil B. DeMille shout 'Cut'. It just drags on, the same thing, no break or respite. The same load on you every day forever. Life is persistent and unforgiving. If only you could get a break from it.

[limey123]

What's the alternative? To "escape" to another dimension (or just oblivion) we know nothing of? Things could be even worse there. It all depends on what you believe in, I suppose.

But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?

Anxiety and depression ARE exhausting. But in my view we need to keep fighting. I had a good friend who killed himself. He's no longer around to realise the world is a worse place without him.

[Tom Morello]

A few months ago I felt terrible and hopeless as well as lost in life. Fortunately I was able to see a great counsellor for a few months. Now I've started on a path I never thought I could take by going to uni and leaving home for the first time. I've noticed that life can turn quite quickly, which is obviously good and bad.

[Utopia]

Yeah, I see depression in many cases as being like a battle, and the fact that I've had people in my past tell me to kill myself, and then many more who have kind of implied this, I've come to the conclusion that it's worth being alive, ironically enough, at least out of spite for the enemy -- it really feels a bit like this with many types of people in my life. Obviously to end your own life is no easy task, particularly as someone with no belief in any kind of after life whatsoever, but tbh, its so bad that you, at the very least want to just kind of give up and die naturally, and that would be easier in some sense, but you only have one life and if depression is a battle, then to die is defeat.

It's easier to just hide under the covers and pretend you don't exist, but to actually improve your life also takes a lot of courage, and most importantly willpower.

[limey123]

Originally Posted by Utopia

to actually improve your life also takes a lot of courage, and most importantly willpower.

Quoted for truth.

[Dougella]

^ But with that it also takes finding things that work for you, everyone is different so not everything helps people in the same way. If something you're trying to do is just not working or you don't feel like you're improving it's probably not that 'you're just not trying hard enough' (which is unfortunately an accusation that can be levelled at people) it may just be that you need to try a different approach.

[Utopia]

^^^ Yes, lol, I think the guy had problems himself, people can be really cruel.
This was a long time ago now, but this guy basically started picking on me and he kind of gave it away that he was jealous of me for some stupid reason. I've thought about things a lot since then, and I've improved in some ways and got worse in others; my attitude has changed a lot, thank god, because I think I would just hang myself nowadays.

It's odd because this guy changed the social dynamic in that small class, and I otherwise would have made some friends and would have done alright. I'm quite bright so I had alright grades and could show that I was intelligent by speaking up and might have got some looks of flirting from a couple of girls in the class but I was too socially anxious to act on it. I often wonder if some people are just targeted due to jealousy and low self-esteem regarding these things. It's all just pot luck in a way, but certainly people can be very cruel. Similar things have happened since, but I will more readily verbally defend myself -- I hate people like that.

[Tembo]

Well, I would like to continue existing, but in a completely different form. I'd quite like absolutely everything about me to change.

[Tom1985]

I really empathise with this. You are so good to actively put effort in.

I have never been to therapy or gone to any workshops etc.

Wish we could be friends in real life. I often feel this about lots

of people on here. You gain insight into people's thoughts and

experiences and feel a real connection and identify with them.

[Jen.]

Originally Posted by Tom1985

I have never been to therapy or gone to any workshops etc.

Why don't you start to see if it helps?

[Tom1985]

Hi Jen

I have signed up with a SA meetup group in my area. Did so yesterday.

I will start to go to some of the events. Things like walking, board games, going for a meal and drink etc.

I don't think it's gonna be advice really. As in a workshop (I'm sure it isn't)

just a chance to go and do something with other people who have the same issues

I may go and have therapy but I'll have to pay for it. I wouldn't be willing to wait

for help on the NHS as it takes months. I went to one years ago and wasn't helpful

at all.

I am currently waiting to hear from a psychiatrist that I was referred to by my Gp.

I've suffered with depression for a long time but there may be a chance I

could have Bipolar. This is what the appointment is about.

So yeh, that will be a significant thing. If I am diagnosed with Bipolar then

it may answer some questions.

Have you been to therapy/counselling yourself Jen?

[Jen.]

That's great you signed up for a meetup group. As you say, it won't be about advice, but at least going to things will allow you to slowly become comfortable around others and maybe learn to connect to people a little. Hopefully it's the start of something positive.

Yeah, I've been going to private therapy sessions for a while now. I've seen some improvements and learned a few things that have been helpful, so wanted to stop for a while to see how I get on by myself. My last session was yesterday actually, but I've booked one in for six weeks to discuss how I got on.

[Tom1985]

What are the therapy sessions like Jen? is it one to one CBT ?

[Jen.]

It's for a variety of things, but for social anxiety it's ACT.

[Oddity]

Me. But not just not exist, I'd like to have never existed

[Dougella]

Originally Posted by Ello

Last year my depression and anxiety were getting worse and worse and I was so desperately lonely that I made a huge effort to make changes to myself and the way I live. I really struggle to go outside but I started walking most days, I joined forums and friendship making websites, I paid money I couldn't afford to attend therapy, I went to local groups and workshops, I even set up a meetup. I honestly worked my arse off and yet nothing has changed. I don't have anything in life that I enjoy, my motivation has dropped down to zero. I'm 33 years old, single, friendless, unemployed and just so tired of it all. I've tried to change but I always feel like I'm outside of everything and clueless as to what I should be doing or trying.

It's pathetic but now I spend all my time living in a daydream of the things I would like to be and have and then I look around at my real life and see that I've failed so massively at life and I feel so utterly alone. I can't understand how there are people who just go out and enjoy life, make friends, have relationships etc. I wish that could be me but I know it never will be.

So yes I wish I could just stop existing.

Firstly well done for making so much effort and trying so many things, that must have taken a lot of courage. Definitely keep up with walking every day, it is good for your physical aswell as mental health.

I'm interested to know though surely if you went to some groups, workshops and meetups there must have been other people there, did you just not click with anyone?

Also what were you hoping or expecting to get from therapy and what type of therapy did you have?

[3stacks]

Me, everything in the universe just seems meaningless and pointless.

[Bluebear]

Originally Posted by Dougella

^ But with that it also takes finding things that work for you, everyone is different so not everything helps people in the same way. If something you're trying to do is just not working or you don't feel like you're improving it's probably not that 'you're just not trying hard enough' (which is unfortunately an accusation that can be levelled at people) it may just be that you need to try a different approach.

good post and the truth.