Self-image problems

Well, today folks, I was going to actually take a trip up to the shopping complex. This was a reasonably big deal for me, becuase the most I seem to do lately is walk up to the local supermarket very, very seldomly when its not busy at all. I have my bouts of low self-esteem but today I had somehow managed to feel happy with the way I looked - I'd made more of an effort, i guess. Well, anyway, to get to the point, my mother scrutinised me, particularly my hair, and so here I am, back in my bedroom, hating myself for not having the courage. I looked forward to just those few hours of normalacy, and I couldn't even manage. What does that say about my chances for anything greater?

A lot of my problems are related to the way I look and the way I fear the world would percieve me. Its chaining me in more than ever, and its been getting me down a lot.

Does anyone else have similar problems to this, where the social anxiety is a product of low-self image?

--jamie

[hardy]

Sa is ALWAYS a product of low self image.
whether you think you are inferior or you think others think youre inferior!

In a sense you could be the ugliest stupidest person in the world but if you had a high self image you wouldn't have SA.

[threadbare]

yes. very much so. and i think it is related to feeling under scrutiny by a hyper-critical parent as well. have you never had much positive feedback about the way you look? i used to always make the mistake of thinking i had to look perfect in order to be accepted, until i realised that it is not normal at all for most people to scrutinise each other in the way that i'd been conditioned to expect. maybe your mum doesn't know she's coming across as so critical and undermining anyway. but being regularly made to feel inadequate about how you look can produce some very distorted thinking regarding your own self-image. if you feel your mum IS very critical of how you appear generally, it might help to consider that this could be down to some of her personal hang-ups and not an accurate gauge of how others see you at all. i think that being able to accept that possibility in my own situation enabled me to make some progress in beginning to improve my self-image anyway.

[Fighter86]

Originally Posted by Jamie

A lot of my problems are related to the way I look and the way I fear the world would percieve me. Its chaining me in more than ever, and its been getting me down a lot.

Does anyone else have similar problems to this, where the social anxiety is a product of low-self image?

--jamie

Hi Jamie...I'm sorry to say but this is how I feel as well. If I didn't had this much issue with my looks, the guys wouldn't have been mean to me, if they wern't mean to me, my SA would have been much more controllable & I wouldn't be having so many problems


I'm sorry to hear that your mom is critical of u as well. Does she know what she does is hurting u more? Have u tried to talk to her about it? My family on the other hand is different- they try to ensure me that I look ok. But I know its a lie anyway- they know I've had issues with guys in school so they r juz trying to make me feel better by saying such things. But well, the mirror doesn't lie & neither do the guys that I went to school with

[RaggDoll]

Id have been like "whats wrong with mah hair!?" ha, well, im a redhead so I get defensive when people say stuff about my hair, since ive dealt with shit about it my whole life, but dont let people get you down. I think all SA sufferers have self image problems that may or may not be caused by what others say. easier said than done, but just ignore them

Yeah, I suppose everyone deals with image criticism at one time or another. Its really my own problem that I let it affect me as much as it does. Its strange becuase I don't have a massive preoccupation with the way I look, but at the thought of leaving the house and confronting strangers I completely panic and focus those anxieties on my image. I guess I fear people's judgements, and the only way a stranger can judge a passer-by is based upon how they look. Its silly that I care so much, becuase I never used to be like this at all. I guess its just because I'm more isolated than I ever have been previously and the longer I stay away, the harder it is to get back in there, to the point that I'm basing my problems on something that I can't change - my physical appearance. I wish things were back how they used to be, when I had satisfactory self-esteem in my appearane, but just lacked a lot of confidence in small talk and how I would appear on a more mental/social level. At least then, complete strangers in the street were no obstacle.

--jamie

For me there is no issue over self image. I fail because of being an inadequate and substandard man. I spent valuable money on registering to dating sites pathetically waking up at 6:00am just to see if "you have a new message" from all those I have thought through in sending in the first place. I am a freak and scum. It just knocks me down even more to know that I need a miracle or some holy divine intervention to bring myslef up to the standard that a man should be at. People at home and the benefits office were questioning me about being unemployed again. I need to be plugged in to the internet or something and get a personality download from George Clooney, Brad Pitt or Rolf Harris or somebody of that calibre. Then I would be set for taking on the world.

[hardy]

the mirror definitely can lie!
If you find that you feel you are an "expert" on what is a good image and yet cannot get others to agree how bad you are .( teasers and people who make fun do not count!) Then you should begin to accept the possibility that your mirror may be wrong.

I hope the mirror is wrong or there is no need carrying on in a constant cycle of misery. This morning I did another message bombardment on the paid dating site. Even if I did get a response it would be a mighty chore to impress that woman and keep them interested further down the line. Fortunately I get no replies so it will spare another person on this earth from my wretchedness.

[Fighter86]

Originally Posted by hardy

the mirror definitely can lie!
If you find that you feel you are an "expert" on what is a good image and yet cannot get others to agree how bad you are .( teasers and people who make fun do not count!) Then you should begin to accept the possibility that your mirror may be wrong.

I don't know but the bullies that I've encountered were MEAN

[Jessie Phillips]

It's funny - we know a bully when we see one, yet we still take the stuff they say seriously. Why? What's that all about?

I know that rising above it is easier said than done though - trust me, I've been there myself. Which makes me all the more curious about it. Why do we believe the crap that people who clearly don't like us tell us? It makes no sense at all - but we all do it.

[hardy]

mean bullying works just like brain washing causing you to eventually "half believe " what theyre saying . but what bullies say MOSTLY depends on what they know hurts . It can have little or no relationship to truth.

red hair is a good example .Many of the great beauties and models of the past have had red hair . It has often been admired or at least accepted by the majority of people .
Yet because it is different from the average it gets siezed on as a target for bullies . The bullying quite often gives the red haired person a complex and a false impression about what people in general think about it.

[ShyShy]

My SA started for a lot of reasons but one of them now i think about it was a really negative self image. I used to be chubby when i was in school not huge but bigger than my stick thin friends. I used to do dancing and we'd have to wear leotards and skimpy outfits and i always had a little belly....i compared myself negatively to my friends and decided i wasnt good enough...so i dropped out got depressed and ate myself even bigger till i really had a probelm cos before i was only a few pounds over but by the time i was 16 i was a few stones overweight...Joke is people still even then told me i was pretty and was gonna be so this and that but all i could see is that i was differnt to my friends. Thats what took my last bit of confidence cos i couldnt compete and dumbley i got this thing where i have to be top, kinda like a perfectionism thing so i would then beat myself up about not measuring up i guess.. I mean my SA was in place way before then but couldnt take hold of me cos i had alot of friends and was happy with myself physically i could keep up with my friends and be happy in myself and we were the shit so we thought. I felt good about myself and powerful but when i lost confidence that all went and i withdrew from everything cos i didnt think i had a right to exist....All thats changed now, i lost the weight and am alot happier in myself, i now see the person everyone has alsways told me i was but i still have my moments when im that girl. I mean im kinda happy with myself except the usual female issues but nothing major!


Alot of it is all in your mind. You are as pretty or as ugly as you think you are. And what you think of yourself determines what others think of you. I mean when i look bck i was never bullied about mys size or appearance in fact it was always the opposite and i couldnt understand why? cos i never saw what people saw. it was all what i believed in my head and in turn how i carried myself and that gave out negative vibes to make people not know how to take me. I bullied myself visciously cos when i was young it was put into my head that i had to be perfect and so i was always trying to measure up to an impossible standard and in some ways still am.I feel for anyone whos been bullied cos its so unfair but what do you do when you're the bully. How do you stop yourself beating yourself up.?

Originally Posted by hardy

the mirror definitely can lie

Jamie

This might seem a bit pedantic - but I do think it's very important to remember - It helped me rid myself of the 'I look wierd' aspect of my SA.

Lets assume for the moment that your minds interpretation of what you see is wholly based on the reality of the light entering your eye. (and I think we all know that isn't true).

Even if it were - the first obvious way that a mirror lies is that you are presented with a 'mirror image' of yourself! This is important - as putting it simplisticly - we are not symetrical.

Secondly, unless you pay a lot of money for a mirror that has been ground to extremely high optical tolerances (i.e.among other things it is completely and utterly flat),it distorts the image subtly in the same way that the 'hall of mirrors' at the fairground does to extremes.

And if you want confirmation that you don't 'see' what you think you do - look no further than the optical illusions thread in the lounge

Hope this helps a bit

SoundMan

[Innerspace]

Originally Posted by Jessie Phillips

It's funny - we know a bully when we see one, yet we still take the stuff they say seriously. Why? What's that all about?

I know that rising above it is easier said than done though - trust me, I've been there myself. Which makes me all the more curious about it. Why do we believe the crap that people who clearly don't like us tell us? It makes no sense at all - but we all do it.

It does make sense though if you think about it.

We have a 'template' of ourselves. A set of beliefs built on all sorts of events throughout our lives which leave us with a self-image that we believe, even if we don't like.

A bully will usually pick on a victims weak points, and the socially anxious and those of poor self-image wear those 'weak points' on their sleeves, making it so easy for the bully to pick up on.

So, the bully hits you where s/he knows it will hurt, and what s/he says fits right into that negative template we have for ourselves.
We believe it because it hits home and comes within the template we have of ourselves. We buy it because deep down we think they are right, because having such a poor self-image prevents us seeing it in any other way.

If i got called a useless tosser at school, i believed it because deep down i thought this myself. These days i have self-esteem and a reasonable self-image, so the same insult would not bother me unless it was backed up by some decent evidence. Even then i'd only see it as one person's opinion.

So, being called a useless tosser once fitted into my template so i believed it. Now it doesn't, so i don't.
When we have a poor self-image and low esteem the bully doesn't even have to be accurate, s/he only has to be negative to have us buying into what they say, simply because we are also negative about ourselves, so what they say fits into our own poor self-image and strengthens it further.

One of the biggest 'sea changes' that has come over me in the last week or so is to finally understand that not only is it not surprising that I have SA given the stuff that went down in my childhood, but that as far as I am concerned it would have been astounding if I had turned out otherwise. I see this as fundamental to my 'recovery' - which is why talking about all the stuff mentioned in this thread is so helpful. Innerspace has just encapsulted one aspect of my childhood very nicely

My 'mirror' post was about using knowledge to simultaneously attack the problem from another direction. Chipping away at every cornerstone, buttress and archway until, with luck, one day the whole edifice comes tumbing down


SoundMan

[WelshKat]

I've been feeling really bad about myself lately, about how I look. Today I felt really bad because I had lectures in uni but my hair was all over the place and it needs a cut. So, sitting in the class I was really paranoid about how people saw me.

I went through this kinda thing before, where I felt so bad that I just get all panicky and feel absolutely awful. However, I managed to drag myself out of this hole before by realising the power of perception. If I think I am ugly and constantly scrutinise and criticise myself, then I will only feel ugly. However, if I lighten up on myself, appreciate that I'm not perfect and believe myself to be atleast ok looking, then I will feel alot better about myself. This is the place I am trying to reach again.

Kathryn

[tigerbanana]

I can relate completely to what you guys have said. I had a lot of negative experiences at school that I feel was really what made my shyness turn into a disorder.
The thing is though, when I think about it, I've had just as many experiences where people have said really wonderful things about me to my face as I've had where people have said really hurtful things about me to my face. So why is it that I believe the nasty ones?
My mind tells me this is because the compliments were only people being nice whereas the insults were people's real thoughts about me. I can see this objectively as being a little bit nonsensical, but actually I do believe it.
There are people that have complimented me consistently enough for me to believe that they actually genuinely do think those good things about me, but I still don't think those things are true.
Whereas a person only has to be mean in a joking way for me to believe that they not only really think those bad things about me but also that they're right.
There's also been experiences where I've thought that a particular person doesn't like me or at the least doesn't even know I'm alive and then it's turned out the complete opposite.
There's been experiences too where I've thought someone likes me or at least doesn't mind me but it's turned out they actively dislike me. The latter experiences are often used as support for my beleifs but the former, ignored, despite their being more dramatic.
Just writing this out helps me to see things a bit more objectively but I can't help still beleiving all the negative stuff.
Can anyone think of a time when they've said something nasty to someone or about someone behind their back? Did you mean it at the time and now, when you look back, do you think you were actually right to think those things about that person?
Likewise have you given a compliment to someone? Did you mean it? Were you right?
My negativity tells me that people are more likely to not mean something nice they say to someone than they are to not mean something bad they say. I don't know if I'm right or wrong.
Also, for those people that have never actually recieved compliments or had people say nice things about you to your face, have you ever thought something nice about someone but not said it? I know I do all the time.

[hardy]

I think part of the answer is that the way we think we look or how we think people judge our personality is based on our experience of the way we are treated.
This works ok for most (normal) people who on average have been treated sometimes kindly and sometimes harshly . so the two balance out.
If for some reason in our early life (bullying etc) we have always been treated harshly its easy to see how we might have been conditioned to think EVERYONE will judge us negatively.

We might find this hard to believe becase we have intelligence .but I think these things probably work on a more primitive level of our brain.

Some peoples SA is a bit more complex . For some reason they have not been treated particularly badly but they have missed out on early confirmations of their self worth .Perhaps from an unemoitonal or cold parent etc.