Does anyone else care what EVERYBODY thinks of them?

[ConverseCody]

Hi there. I have been ruminating a lot about the cause of my SA and I've noticed that something which sets me apart from lots of other people is that I seem to care what every single person thinks of me.

I hear a lot of people say; it matters to me what my loved ones and friends think of me but everyone else doesn't matter. However, to me it feels like every single person I know opinion of me matters a lot. Even the people I'm closest to; my parents, boyfriend, family etc opinion doesn't really seem any more important than a strangers

If I feel that someone doesn't like me, thinks I'm a loser etc etc I can spend about a week ruminating about it. Their rejection is so hard for me to accept. Everyone else I know seems to really not care.

Does anyone else get this? I guess this is a big factor in my SA as this need to be liked and not rejected by anyone is so important to me.

[umm]

I used to. Then one day I permitted myself to not care, to not feel the need to grovel for every little morsel of attention chucked down (and how dare they expect me to, come to that). I discovered that it was possible for me to consider someone's bad opinion of me their problem and not mine. In a word, liberating. That one breakthrough was instrumental in helping me develop some much-needed inner strength.

[michelle06]

I used to be worse at this than I am now, because I've had too many weirdos come up to me and say random stuff when I'm running or walking the dog and I'm not going to stop running or walking the dog, because I enjoy those activities. Why let idiots who probably can't run 100 metres put me off? Besides, there are nice people who balance out the horrible people, telling me I inspire them to run etc. Of course, it depends what kind of day I'm having. If I'm depressed, I definitely dwell on all the negative stuff people have said to me.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by aloneuntilidie

It seems that negative reinforcement is easier to accept than positive; if nine people greet you with a cheery "Good morning", it will be the tenth who ignores you who plays on your mind. Some of us have been in the position of walking down a street and hearing someone laugh and assuming that the laughter is aimed at us; if someone is in a bad mood, we assume that we have caused it. We ruminate on every tiny rejection (or as they often are, perceived rejection) even when that rejection makes little or no difference to our lives.

I used to be that very person. It's incredibly draining living life that way.

For a while now, I have come to believe, rightly or wrongly, that there is often a degree of egocentricity at the heart of social anxiety, a feeling that we are more significant than we are in reality; often, that perceived snub will have nothing to do with us, but will have been caused by other factors in that person's life. When we think others are judging us, it's probable that they have barely noticed us. There are people to whom we matter and who to us, but to the vast majority of people, our presence is largely immaterial.

I agree, and this realisation was a significant factor in me turning things around. Some people think they are the centre of the universe when it comes to positive attention and being liked. Others feel they are the centre of the universe for being snubbed, ridiculed and disliked. I don't think either are true in reality; we just think they are true.

These days I do hope people like me, but as no one can please everyone they come into contact with I know this cannot be possible in all cases. I care about the opinions of people I love, care for and respect, but I don't particularly worry about what people who don't even know me might think or not think. It cuts both ways too. There are loads of people I don't like, but I doubt they are aware of it or would care even if they were aware of it.

But yes, in the past I cared about what anyone and everyone thought of me... even when they probably hadn't even noticed my existence and hadn't given me a moments thought.

It comes down to validation, doesn't it?
When we lack confidence and esteem we look outside ourselves for approval and validation. So, any perceived snub, rejection or hint of disapproval will hit us hard. It undermines us as a person. The problem with such reliance on external approval is that it leaves our sense of balance at the mercy of not only what others think, but also what we think they might be thinking. And when we play this mindreading game with ourselves or minds will always throw up negatives for us to ruminate over.

The way out of this is to learn to self-validate as much as we can. We are the only person in the world we can rely on when push comes to shove, so we need to be on our own side. When we have a more realistic self-view and know we are basically ok human beings, we can be less bothered by what we think others may be thinking. This was the first rung on the ladder of self-acceptance and self-validation for me. Just realising and keeping in mind that although far from perfect and having vast room for improvement, the bottom line is that when all things are considered, I'm a pretty decent human being. That realisation gave me a base to build upon. We have to start somewhere, and just that basic level of self-approval and self-acceptance can get the ball rolling and move us away from total reliance on the approval of everyone else.

If we really must look for external approval to buoy us up, at least look towards those whose opinions we respect. Those who know us properly. Because one thing is certain; if we can only function by gaining the approval of everyone around us, we will never truly function. Universal approval does not exist for anyone, and seeking it only leads to heartache and pain. We have to live with ourselves from the day we are born until the day we die, so it's wise to look inwards for validation as much as possible. External validation can come and go. It's nice when we get it, but it can't be relied upon.

[hollowone]

The caring about what people think bit, yes, totally. I'm hearing 'it matters what friends and loved ones' think matters more' that's the problem.

The more people we know (people we get one with that is), the less we care about the outcome from our individual social encounters.The more of a sense we have of the bigger picture; that ultimately, there's loads of people out there at the end of the day, the less worried we are if people we meet like us. The greater the sense of there's always others to be met, I've not even sampled a fraction. Get my drift? Need to expand your horizons.

[misska]

Yes I care too much Im always thinking about what other people are thinking about me. I spend time feeling bad after social occasions as i start worrying when people act like they like me or enjoy my company. I start worrying its the fake version of me not the real version if I do act normal around them they would dislike me like everyone else

[Mikei]

No one imprisons me more than the people closest to me, their behaviour and opinions and expressions can make the difference between a day spent productively and a day spent ruminating in bed.

[autumnfog]

I care a lot about what people think of me, even though they are complete strangers. Always worried I make a wrong impression and therefore will be rejected. Then I go through the situation over and over again, analysing everything.

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Tapatalk

[Marco]

This problem of worrying about what others think of us is surely at the heart of all SA sufferers. If you can overcome this, you***8217;re probably cured. Insightful advice given in this thread. I think the explanations above of egocentricity coupled with low self-esteem and the need for external validation and approval are probably spot on.

[Rummy]

Did once care a lot but don't really think I do anymore.
Still have this fear of humiliation though.

[umm]

Originally Posted by aloneuntilidie

For a while now, I have come to believe, rightly or wrongly, that there is often a degree of egocentricity at the heart of social anxiety, a feeling that we are more significant than we are in reality; often, that perceived snub will have nothing to do with us, but will have been caused by other factors in that person's life. When we think others are judging us, it's probable that they have barely noticed us. There are people to whom we matter and who to us, but to the vast majority of people, our presence is largely immaterial.

An interesting point. I think you might be right, and it stands to reason; SA sufferers obsess about how we ourselves appear. But I don't think this means we are bad or selfish people. We might in fact feel this way as a result of various events where we were made to feel we didn't matter. It's a matter of survival to obsess over ourselves. Of course it's not entirely healthy and if we can fix the underlying causes of that, we might fix alot.

[Northern Natterer]

Yes I can relate a lot to this! I always worry about being liked even with people I've known for a while!

[Northern Natterer]

Originally Posted by biscuits

I don't think I'm on anyone's radar.

Aww Biscuits haha spotted you!

[Rummy]

Sometimes I imagine someone has a bad opinion of me and once examining what was actually said realise am wrong. I think part of SA can make us take something out of context. It's important to take the whole conversation in to account and particularly what comes just before and just after the offending word/s I think are so negative/critical. The person sometimes hasn't meant it in the way it's come across to the SAer. Because we've been hurt in the past we're more inclined to think the worst of people and/or take one or two words too literally. It's easy for SAers to see only negatives and not the positives from what people say and are too quick to judge a person.

[sillypenguin]

I used to be really bad for this but I think sertraline has stopped me caring about a lot of things lol. Not really a good thing but least I'm not worrying unnecessarily...