Family and social anxiety

[firemonkey]

Does your SA stretch to interactions with family especially ones you don't see very often?
My father and stepmother are due over from the USA for their roughly annual visit in a few days and already I'm feeling nervous as to what they'll think and how they might judge me. Going through my brain is 'you're the odd ball , loser of an eldest son living in a place that you can scarcely keep clean and tidy'.
Even worse is that my dad is planning a second visit a few days later to introduce me to the step brother and his family that I have never met, and I'm worrying myself silly as to what they'll think and how I'll come over to them. Also being on my own so much has only worsened my ability re knowing how to act and be in social situations.
I guess there's a lot of self stigmatisation going on. I feel I'm a dysfunctional freak /social misfit and fear others feel the same about me.

[Edwardo Boi]

I can relate. I had an aunt and cousin resting where I live just a few days ago, and I couldn't bring myself to even go downstairs when they arrived until late in the evening so I could say farewell to another family member. My reasons are sorta different though; I know I can't fit in, and even though I know I won't be judged, it's hard to make the effort to seem like you're in your natural environment when you're really with 'family' you've had little chance to even consider as such.

Your case I can see is different, but it's not any easier. I'm not sure if you realise it or not, but the main problem here is your idea of what your family will be like, not what they actually are. The negative ideas you think they'll have of you seem more like your impression of yourself, which you think other people will catch onto and express towards you.

Finding some way to increase your self-esteem first of all may be a good start. Focusing on your negatives like this is COMPLETELY pointless, since absolutely everyone could write a book about their own faults. 'I didn't get full marks in my A levels, I'm not always fashionable, I have just a bit too much hair'- anyone's negativity could go on into eternity if they allowed it to, and that helps nobody at all.

Focus on your positives instead. Why will your family feel glad of your company? Again, this can cover a lot of things. Maybe you've got a modest personality. You're intelligent, and can make meaningful conversation when possible unlike some people who can't even do that. Keep reminding yourself why you are worthwhile to be with (this may be hard, but that doesn't mean there's nothing good about you- quite the opposite). And don't forget that they're meant to be family- if they've got any shred of decency, they should care about you for who you are, rather than demand you become someone you're not. If they're not understanding, then it's not you that's the problem.

I hope this helps, and please, always remember that you are not the awkward blank in the room. You are just the light that's yet to realise just how bright you can be

[firemonkey]

Thanks, a lot of my negative self appraisal/ low self esteem stems from bullying(effects still there over 40 years later) and negativity from mental health professionals. When you've been told you are awkward and troublesome it doesn't help. I even had one professional tell me I lacked self confidence/esteem whilst telling me how wrong I was about everything.

[firemonkey]

Thanks, woof.

[ZooWeeMama]

Originally Posted by woof

That's ok firemonkey

I can remember when my cousin got married. Think I was about 20 and all the family were invited round to hers after. I found it so incredibly difficult. Hoping that someone esp my cousins would come over and just talk to me (no way did I have the courage to go to them) If only someone had come to chat to me ,would've made me feel less of a freak, but no one did and I just sat there , wishing the ground would swallow me up.
I remember on the way home promising to myself that I would never go to a family do ever again- and I haven't

You're not the only one, that happened to me too and I'd really forced myself to go because it's not my thing at all. I just think - Ok, I've got the SA problem and that's why I didn't go sit with you, but you haven't got SA, some of them are outgoing people, so what's their excuse? Why does it have to be me making the first move, I seem to get this a lot.

[firemonkey]

I have a stepbrother and a stepsister from my father's second marriage in 1987. Never met either of them though they have met my sister umpteen times.
Truth is they could have come down here but haven't.
Both of them are on my facebook list but never respond to my posts. I've exchanged 3-4 emails and spoke to my stepbrother once on the phone for about 30 secs. I can't remember having talked to my stepsister.
As my father has lived in the States since 1981 he has had much more to do with them. My stepsister still lives in the US but my stepbrother moved to Northern Ireland several years ago.

[Focused]

I have a large extended family on my mums side and see nearly all of them everyday. I have an average size on my dads side but I've never really met any of them the odd time one of my dads brothers comes round with his wife for a little visit an I feel the same, when I get told 'your uncle is coming round tonight' I start getting nervous upon there arrival thinking about all kinds off stuff that makes me do whatever to avoid meeting them.

I can't offer any advice really cause I've avoided the situation I've been in everytime . Its something that I need to deal with and am gonna have to sometime thats one reason i never wanted to meet them, thinking that they will be judging me. I guess we got to just get over that, and realise they won't be judging after all family are supposed to be supportive and caring. Plus they don't know you well enough to make presumtions like 'your a loser' first time you meet.

Good luck with meeting them. Hopefully it will be great and you'll make a good first impression.

[firemonkey]

Now my stupid brain is going into anxiety overdrive over what refreshments to provide. Doesn't help that I'm set up for me and the basics and am clueless about entertaining , don't have posh stuff to put things on/in . Feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
A part of me wants to get into '' take things as you find them or you know where the door is'' mode.

It doesn't help they all lead much posher lives and I'm thinking how inferior my place/ I am are.

[firemonkey]

The visit occurred yesterday. My dad hardly asked how my brother and I were and what we were doing. Much of the time was spent regaling us with the famous/important people he'd met in New York who went to his old school or telling us about our practically perfect step niece. My stepmother spent 90% of the time texting and talking on her mobile to her daughter in America about (a) the organisation of a plastic surgeon's conference her daughter had taken over from her and (b) the naff money making scheme she,my step brother and sister have set up http://shakespearesez.com/
90% of the time my stepbrother was either talking to my stepmother about (a) and (b) because he's the supposed computer whizz for both or on his laptop trying to sort a technical issue with (a) or (b).
My stepbrother's wife talked to me a bit was preoccupied with her 4 year old son .
My brother and I were embarrassed because my stepmother decided we'd stay sitting in the cafe/bistro long after we'd finished our meal while she conducted her business and although there were other people there it was obvious to tell by that time it was staff and friends of staff.
Then my stepbrother and his wife said they had to go off and meet someone for dinner so my stepbrother's wife buggered off with her son. The stepbrother drove my father/stepmother/brother/and I into the centre of town before resuming on his computer and then seeing his wife's friend. Considering this was the first time I had seen the stepbrother etc the polite thing would have been to see their friend on another day and in fact it would have been polite not to be trying to sort the conference/money making scheme hiccups and leaving that for after seeing my brother and I.
By the time we got a few hours alone with my dad and stepmother we were rather disgruntled and felt like also rans and still there wasn't really any enquiry as to how we were etc.
Our stepbrother pissed my brother off for basically saying my dad was getting old and we didn't see him enough. Both of us are disabled and can't afford/aren't able to globe trot like the rest of them. Also my dad decided to settle in the States after he took early retirement in 85(his right) but then no one has any right to say we don't see him more. If my dad had really been concerned about that he'd have come back to live in the UK.
We got home around 9.40 and spent till nearly 8 dissecting the days events and both of us,especially my brother,getting more pissed off and stressed.
Still we did our duty as expected and now the caravan rolls onto Warwickshire where they all going for a few days as (a) my father is attending an old boy's do in Birmingham and (b) my stepmother wants to explore Shakespeare country and go to the Globe in Stratford upon Avon.
All in all it really cemented that my brother and I are way down the family list . If only I'd stayed well and married an army colonel/brigadier's daughter.

[Marie8434]

For me the interaction with their partners is really hard (ie I'm mostly ok with my coupsin but his wife it's much harder.) my relatives don't live nearby though.
I also have to admit to jealousy/envy of what seem (even if they are not) successful people with jobs and partners and children. I feel ashamed. I have one aunt who is and always has talked about her children and now grandchildren and how successful they all are. I feel ashamed that mother can't do the same back (not that she would anyway). We have a lot of other relatives who aren't like that. I find it easier to be with my aunts/uncles then my cousins. I just find being with then awkward.