28 & Just admitted...

[challangerchris]

Ok, this may be a long post. But I shall try be as specific as I can.

I'm 28 yrs old, single dad of two lovely daughters, aged 3 & 6. Living back with my parents now after splitting up with the kids mum.

I get to see the kids on a weekend, which is ideal as I have a good excuse to avoid certain situations.


Anyhow - ever since my 2nd junior school I was always shy, all my school reports came back the same, Chris must try harder to join in and talk more - I was one of the kids who often knew the answer but raising my hand to answer was like trying to lift the world up on one arm.

It wasn't until high school that I realised how bad my shyness was, we all had to do a oral presentation in English as part of the curriculum (I think). I had to wait around 3 weeks to do my presentation to the class and those 3 weeks were the longest days/weeks of my life. My turn came to do my talk and I crumbled, that was my first experience of me going red in the face (even though I couldnt see my own face, but I could feel it - sweaty hands/back/feet etc).

Now I know most people will have been in exactly the same position as me, not many people like talking in front of others - these lecturers etc must have some mighty big b@lls.

The next bad experience I had was bowling, I slipped and fell down the alley, when I stood up and turned round the entire place was stood laughing at me and I think I experienced my first panic/anxiety attack. I've never been back bowling since, makes me feel sick just thinking about going bowling.

I'm 28 now, last month my best freind died - who I had known for 12 years. This is where it has all gone downhill.

Because I spent most of my free time with my mate who died I think I became too comfy in his company, I always felt anxious if someone knocked on his door cos I knew it would be one of his other mates who I wouldnt know that well. I could deal with that though as my mate was a great conversationalist and would somehow make me feel ok about it even though I never mentioned any of this SA to him.

Now he has died I've tried to be as supportive to his partner & child as I can, which isn't very much as I'm rubbish with words and expressing how I feel but I do try my best even though I don't say much when I get there. There are lots of other people visiting them too, which is great for them both but I really struggle on a room full of people - hence why I finally admitted my problem to my GP.

My SA is seriously getting out of hand now, its becoming impossible to come up with excuses not to go (but I do have my kids alot over the weekend and they sleep over so I can't go out).

I avoid anything where I know there will be a group of people, I think my limit is 1 to 2 other people with me before I hide in my shell completely. I try not to be ingorant, I answer someone if they ask me a question but I always reply with 1 or 2 word answers.

My problem is this:-

I know for a fact I will go red and sweaty if someone asks me something or involves me in a conversation and others look at me at the same time - thats the worst of the worst for me, because not only do I know i'll go red, but I have no answer to the question because i'm too busy trying to control the physical anxiety that others will see. I just stand there with a blank look on my face, desperate for the attention to go elsewhere.

I've never been a big talker, more of a listener, so carrying a conversation is getting really impossible. I find that others talk about funny things they have done in the past - my problem is I've not done anything so don't have anything to tell. Even if I did have some funny stories to tell I wouldn't because that would mean more than one person making eye-to-eye contact at once (cue go RED)

I hate been the centre of attention, so I avoid having fun.

I spend so much time worrying what other people think about me I don't do anything out of the ordinary.

I see myself as a really boring person, who never joins in on the fun/laughs - even though I find it very easy to laugh at other people in groups (possibly because the attention is away from me?)

Loosing my mate and Christmas all coming at once certainly havn't helped as I knew I'd be invited out to places where i'm not farmiliar with - out of my comfot zone. Things are bad!

I went to see my GP before Christmas to tell him everything - he had no problem reffering me to see someone about it. I shall ring up the GP in the morning and see if there is any news. He has given me a big NHS style prinout to read - everything I read makes complete sense and I can relate to, however everytime I try putting it into practise I come away feeling even worse than before - its a complete failure everytime.


Any ideas? help