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  #1  
Old 12th November 2019, 10:41
affluenza affluenza is offline
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Default Dr Gabor Mate

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  #2  
Old 12th November 2019, 11:23
sophie123 sophie123 is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

A child not being picked up every time they cry doesn't cause anxiety if that was true no child would learn to use their legs they would just cry to be carried constantly.
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Old 12th November 2019, 11:28
Dougella Dougella is offline
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^ I don't think that's quite the point he's making. Children need to generally feel secure that their parents or carers are there for them, I think is what he means.
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Old 12th November 2019, 12:43
Dougella Dougella is offline
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^ Yes. Children who are neglected and don't have secure attachments to a care giver are profoundly affected for the rest of their lives, I think that's pretty widely accepted now.
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Old 12th November 2019, 12:52
firemonkey firemonkey is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

I wonder if 10 years of boarding school that I wasn't suited to had a major part in my anxiety. It was about 70-30 time spent away from home/time spent at home .
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Old 12th November 2019, 12:57
Dougella Dougella is offline
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^ I think that boarding school, especially if it's quite a strict, harsh environment, must have an effect on children psychologically. It's pretty well known that men who went to boarding schools at an early age can be emotionally repressed, because they had to be.
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Old 12th November 2019, 13:19
firemonkey firemonkey is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

It was certainly more strict 44-54 years ago when I went there. Some boys cried on leaving their parents at the start of a new term, but soon adjusted to things.


I didn't cry, but for the first 2 years wet the bed nearly everyday . I didn't do that when at home. Gradually it tailed off , and wasn't occurring by the time I got to public school.
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Old 12th November 2019, 13:52
Avalon Avalon is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by firemonkey
I wonder if 10 years of boarding school that I wasn't suited to had a major part in my anxiety. It was about 70-30 time spent away from home/time spent at home .
I should think that would have had a huge effect on you Firemonkey.

My Dad was sent away to a private Boarding school at the age of 8 (before that he was looked after by a Nanny) and I know the experience had a profoundly negative experience on him for the rest of his life. He greatly lacked confidence and was very emotionally repressed. Interestingly, Boarding school didn't appear to have a negative effect on his more robust brothers so I guess it also partly depends on the natural temperament of a child. Sensitive children in particular certainly seem to struggle more as adults if early parental nurturing was lacking.
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Old 12th November 2019, 14:02
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Quote:
Interestingly, Boarding school didn't appear to have a negative effect on his more robust brothers so I guess it also partly depends on the natural temperament of a child. Sensitive children in particular certainly seem to struggle more as adults if early parental nurturing was lacking.
Yes, siblings can be very different. No two children are born into he same family and all that.

This podcast about Orchid and Dandelion children covers some of that:
https://www.artofmanliness.com/artic...chid-children/
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Old 12th November 2019, 14:03
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by sophie123
A child not being picked up every time they cry doesn't cause anxiety if that was true no child would learn to use their legs they would just cry to be carried constantly.
What?

So an anxious child would never learn to use their legs?

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  #11  
Old 12th November 2019, 15:47
Nanuq Nanuq is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

I don't think children should be left to cry, it makes no sense to me. A child that cries to be picked up is either tired or worried. If they're feeling energetic or confident then they wouldn't cry. I hate the idea of 'self soothing' I think it's bollocks. But then I am probably a bit over sensitive to the idea, as I know my own mum used to carry me to the furthest point in the house, leave me there on my own and shut all the doors if I cried as a baby, so she couldn't hear me, and I spent most of my first 3 years in the lounge in a play pen, she literally couldn't be arsed to parent me.

My kids barely cried, and I didn't carry them everywhere. If they did cry to be picked up then I didn't mind. Why have babies if it's too much trouble to pick them up when they cry?
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  #12  
Old 12th November 2019, 16:44
Moksha Moksha is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

I believe he is especially interested in trauma. I have heard him claim that most people are traumatized in some way, which I suspect is true. There is mounting evidence that trauma can actually affect the genes, somehow switching them on or off, and that this can be passed on (epigenetics I think it's called).

I am scientifically illiterate, and so not in a position to judge, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is correct. I am convinced a huge percentage (possibly even the majority) of people go through life in a state of mild PTSD. I know my father, mother and maternal grandfather were traumatized by their childhoods. They didn't have PTSD, but they did carry trauma. Unfortunately, others then have to pay for this. My dad, for example, felt unloved and unwanted as a child. He was bullied at school, suffered with undiagnozed dyslexia and then came home to a whinging, naggy, self-pitying monster of a mother who didn't want him and eventually abandoned him.

When you think how painful, even horrific, life can be, it would be odd if we weren't all ****ing traumatized. A lot of people are quick to cry, for example, often over nothing, which in itself is a sign of trauma. Personally, I see a lot of potential in psychedelics. If used carefully, and under the supervision of a psychiatrist, they seem to release trauma and reset the brain. People like Dr Cahart Davies (not sure of his name) is working on this, using small doses of psylocibin. I remember reading about a man who couldn't get over the death of his mother. He described how the drug released the pain and trauma, to the point where he cried so much he had to keep drinking bottled water to avoid dehydration.
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Old 12th November 2019, 16:54
Dougella Dougella is offline
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^ With the amount of abuse, neglect and violence that was either ignored or accepted as 'normal' by previous generations it's no wonder that there have been so many traumatised people about I think! No wonder addictions and mental health conditions are absolutely rife. I think that we are just starting to understand what children really need and what healthy attachments are. Although I think some people have swung too far the other way with all the helicopter parenting and giving kids too much materially, it's tricky.
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Old 13th November 2019, 00:36
Avalon Avalon is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanuq
I don't think children should be left to cry, it makes no sense to me. A child that cries to be picked up is either tired or worried. If they're feeling energetic or confident then they wouldn't cry. I hate the idea of 'self soothing' I think it's bollocks. But then I am probably a bit over sensitive to the idea, as I know my own mum used to carry me to the furthest point in the house, leave me there on my own and shut all the doors if I cried as a baby, so she couldn't hear me, and I spent most of my first 3 years in the lounge in a play pen, she literally couldn't be arsed to parent me.

My kids barely cried, and I didn't carry them everywhere. If they did cry to be picked up then I didn't mind. Why have babies if it's too much trouble to pick them up when they cry?

I can't ever imagine leaving a child to cry and cry. When they are babies and toddlers in particular crying is the only way they are able to communicate.

I remember my mum telling me that she would leave me crying in my Cot. She wasn't being intentionally cruel but was acting on the words of a health worker I think who said that once you put a child to bed you should never go back to him/her if they cry or you will be making a rod for your own back and they will never learn to settle on their own. Like you, I think this is bollocks!

My own baby didn't cry a lot but if he did I would instantly try to console him. It would have been unthinkable for me not to respond. I probably went too far the other way, because he was still refusing to sleep in his own bed at the age of 3 and would invariably end up in with me. Of course, I didn't mind a bit

It's so hard for parents to strike just the right balance but I think it's common sense that every child needs a huge amount of parental nurturing and guidance during their most formative years.
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Old 13th November 2019, 10:11
Tonkin Tonkin is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

Quote:
^ With the amount of abuse, neglect and violence that was either ignored or accepted as 'normal' by previous generations it's no wonder that there have been so many traumatised people about I think!
You can pass your trauma down through the generations apparently.

So if you were stressed or anxious before or during pregnancy, your kid will have those "traits".

They did that study on Holocaust survivors and how their grandchildren inherited their trauma.

Makes you think twice about having kids!
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  #16  
Old 13th November 2019, 10:49
AnxiousExtrovert AnxiousExtrovert is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon
I can't ever imagine leaving a child to cry and cry. When they are babies and toddlers in particular crying is the only way they are able to communicate.

I remember my mum telling me that she would leave me crying in my Cot. She wasn't being intentionally cruel but was acting on the words of a health worker I think who said that once you put a child to bed you should never go back to him/her if they cry or you will be making a rod for your own back and they will never learn to settle on their own. Like you, I think this is bollocks!

My own baby didn't cry a lot but if he did I would instantly try to console him. It would have been unthinkable for me not to respond. I probably went too far the other way, because he was still refusing to sleep in his own bed at the age of 3 and would invariably end up in with me. Of course, I didn't mind a bit

It's so hard for parents to strike just the right balance but I think it's common sense that every child needs a huge amount of parental nurturing and guidance during their most formative years.
Im presuming its from a similar school of thought regarding facing your fear and it starts to diminish. Im sure there is some truth in it but I think it depends on the situation.

I always remember seeing a slogan saying "whatever doesnt kill you messes you up mentally" or something to that affect which made me laugh because there can definitely be some truth to that. If whatever doesnt kill you always makes you stronger then PTSD wouldnt exist.

I think a lot of my characteristics are from my childhood regarding my anxiety. It was a very emotionally manipulative, critical and unstable atmosphere. My mother was very much wrapped in her own emotional reality. There wasnt much support or understanding if it wasnt convenient for her or fitted in with her ideas which were often very out of touch and hypocritical. It was a very regular occurrence that there would be rages and abuse and lack of love if my mother was having a bad day or struggling to cope.

But I would say that from an early age I was aware my mother and family life wasnt good or supportive for me regarding my development and the real things that affected my anxiety were issues relating to my social life that really established my thoughts that contribute to my social anxiety.
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  #17  
Old 13th November 2019, 11:41
Dougella Dougella is offline
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Default Re: Dr Gabor Mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonkin
You can pass your trauma down through the generations apparently.

So if you were stressed or anxious before or during pregnancy, your kid will have those "traits".

They did that study on Holocaust survivors and how their grandchildren inherited their trauma.

Makes you think twice about having kids!
Yes I've heard that too. That's partly why I'm having none
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