SA and quick wittedness

Clockface · #1 27th February 2013, 23:00

Evenin' folks!

Would like to get people's thoughts on this. I am not very good when it comes to making comebacks to people taking the mick out of me, in both a pally joking kind of way but also a derogatory comment way, or when someone jokes about something I don't know how to continue the jokey camaraderie feeling. I just find myself going "ha ha, yeah!".

It's so annoying that I can't think of funny things to say on the spot, but I think my SA is responsible for this. I think I have a fairly good sense of humour and when I think about the conversations, jokes etc in my own company that's when I realise what I would've said if I was quick witted.

Does anyone else experience this?

Fizzbomb · #2 27th February 2013, 23:11

Yeah I can never think of anything witty to say either. If I try it comes out as an insult instead. lol. I called someone sexist the other day without really meaning to. Just couldn't think of the right witty thing to say. lol.

Amadeus · #3 27th February 2013, 23:24

Like most things, it boils down to confidence.

Until fairly recently, I thought I was fairly good at this.

Olly. · #4 27th February 2013, 23:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Macca82

Evenin' folks!

Would like to get people's thoughts on this. I am not very good when it comes to making comebacks to people taking the mick out of me, in both a pally joking kind of way but also a derogatory comment way, or when someone jokes about something I don't know how to continue the jokey camaraderie feeling. I just find myself going "ha ha, yeah!".

It's so annoying that I can't think of funny things to say on the spot, but I think my SA is responsible for this. I think I have a fairly good sense of humour and when I think about the conversations, jokes etc in my own company that's when I realise what I would've said if I was quick witted.

Does anyone else experience this?

Oh yeah definitely, as a result I've never been seen as one of the funny ones of the group. I do think of funny witty responses from time to time, but rarely actually say them out loud for fear that they'll fall flat and I'll look like an idiot. I actually feel a weird sense of satisfaction when something I say gets a laugh, when I know most other people probably wouldn't think anything of it.

MeMyself&I · #5 27th February 2013, 23:49

Yeah I know what you mean. On the odd occasion where I am fast enough, people don't get the joke straight away and by the time they do the moment is gone. I'm on a slightly different wavelength to most, it seems.

Eklipse · #6 28th February 2013, 11:54

I'm the same. I often think of a good witty reply long after the incident has happened. I often ask myself why didn't I think of this at the time. It could be a space of time where an insult aimed at us is shocking, and it's only natural to be in that "stunned" moment. I often consider that if I had said something at the time, what would the impact be. Wait a minute... people shouldn't be insulting in the first place anyway. How rude of them.

Leonard_Egan · #7 28th February 2013, 12:06

I get this. Tbf if I'm with people I'm really comfortable with I can be pretty quick witted. Other times I struggle. If people piss me off I struggle also and then think of all the various ways I could have dealt with the situation. A little like the following clip where John Cusaks' characters ex gf's new guy comes to have a word.

^I do this a lot! Lol. Not so much violence but definitely in the same vain.

Dougella · #8 28th February 2013, 13:13

Yes i get this. I can just never think of anything to come back with at the the time, and then when i think about it later i'll realise what i should have said.......but by that time it's too late lol

iwe1979 · #9 28th February 2013, 13:34

The French cal it L'esprit de l'escalier i.e. thinking of a witty reply after you've left the room and are halfway up the stairs! it's well worth looking up the wikipedia entry

hellotiger · #10 28th February 2013, 13:47

I totally get this. I actually have a really quick mind so can come out with some really quick witted things, but once I'm around people who I'm not comfortable with or are making me nervous for whatever reason, my brain slows right down. It's too busy obsessing over other things to be fully immersed in what's going on around me.
It's so bad a lot of the time I don't even realise I'm being insulted by someone or being made fun of until a long while later, by then it's too late to say anything or even to clarify that they actually were making fun.
It's horrible, I'd love to be able to relax around people.

Leonard_Egan · #11 28th February 2013, 14:43

^ That sums it up for me pretty well. Im so laid back and easy going though that at least noone really feels like they have bothered me or got to me. They think it's water off a ducks back and nowadays it mostly is. But if you try and make a fool of me.........I will bring you to your knees with my hammer of wit and cruelty.........around 30 minutes later when I'm at home alone with my thoughts. Such is life.

Marzipen · #12 28th February 2013, 18:22

I must be lucky, I have a quick wit and am not afraid to inflict in on others and new people too! I am regularly told I say the funniest/oddball things. It sort of lashes out from behind my cold unsmiling SA forcefield that protects me from human warmth and other scary things. I'm sure I inadvertently intimidate people with my manner and apparent intelligence despite continually seeing the world through a thick cloud of crushing low self-confidence. Perhaps this is why very few people ever take the mick out of me. I can make people laugh but I can't look them in the eye. Eyes should be banned. Or sunglasses made mandatory!

Actually I do not like sun glasses because they let the wearer hide where they are looking, which unnerves me and comforts them. So I try and think of something witty that will induce them to remove the sun glasses. Probably something about us being indoors.

sillypenguin · #13 28th February 2013, 19:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by hellotiger

I totally get this. I actually have a really quick mind so can come out with some really quick witted things, but once I'm around people who I'm not comfortable with or are making me nervous for whatever reason, my brain slows right down. It's too busy obsessing over other things to be fully immersed in what's going on around me.
It's so bad a lot of the time I don't even realise I'm being insulted by someone or being made fun of until a long while later, by then it's too late to say anything or even to clarify that they actually were making fun.
It's horrible, I'd love to be able to relax around people.

This is exactly how I am too. Soon as I feel anxious I think my brain stops working full stop. That also explains why I'm doing so bad in work too...

Tom123 · #14 28th February 2013, 19:25

Some interesting points in this thread. I blow very hot and cold but it basically boils down to confidence and anxiety levels.

I've only recently started thinking before I speak which sounds really silly but since my anxiety levels have dropped and my confidence improved I feel more comfortable taking a slight pause before thinking of what I want to say. I used to feel and, still do when anxious, that I had to respond literally straight after the person had finished speaking. A second or two to think about a response makes a world of difference. I'm still not confident enough of the phone to do that though which means I make quite a few mistakes at work which I really want to cut out.

Matt_1983 · #15 28th February 2013, 19:33

Isnt this the opposite of what most people would recommend for people with SA? I mean, isnt a big part of our problem that we think too much before speaking, and often then dont end up saying anything?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tom123

Some interesting points in this thread. I blow very hot and cold but it basically boils down to confidence and anxiety levels.

I've only recently started thinking before I speak which sounds really silly but since my anxiety levels have dropped and my confidence improved I feel more comfortable taking a slight pause before thinking of what I want to say. I used to feel and, still do when anxious, that I had to respond literally straight after the person had finished speaking. A second or two to think about a response makes a world of difference. I'm still not confident enough of the phone to do that though which means I make quite a few mistakes at work which I really want to cut out.

Tom123 · #16 28th February 2013, 19:36

^ Well, I guess my anxiety manifests itself in a different way to yours and many others.

WeiJingsheng · #17 28th February 2013, 19:46

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matt_1983

Isnt this the opposite of what most people would recommend for people with SA? I mean, isnt a big part of our problem that we think too much before speaking, and often then dont end up saying anything?

Can go either way really. I find it better to slow it down when someone is speaking to me, think about what they are saying and what I want to say. Kinda have a habit to respond straight away out of panic, always comes off pretty cringeworthy. If I take a pause, speak a little more slowly, I can come across as slightly coherent.

For initiating a conversation, may not be as helpful.

Alex652 · #18 28th February 2013, 20:11

I'm about as quick witted as a donkey.

I simply cannot keep up with 'banter' conversations (bloody hate that word, especially when its shortened to 'bants'

). Even if I come up with a sort of funny response, its too late and someone has already said something. On the rare occasion I manage to get something in, it kind of creates an awkward brief silence.

Thankfully in the friend group I have, none of us are particularly quick witted, which makes it easier to have conversations. But, if its with someone I don't know that well, I can barely cope no matter what type of conversation it is.

Clockface · #19 28th February 2013, 21:40

Thanks for the responses folks. Most of your thoughts sound similar to mine. I just wish I could have the sense of humour and wit that I have on my own around people. One other problem with my inability to witticise back pronto is, apart from being unable to enjoy a banterous convo with someone, is it feels as if the other person, whether they are joking or not, has won the battle so to speak i.e. they think of me as less good than them and if I don't say anything to get back at them then it just makes me feel like I really am an idiot and they are a decent individual. It might also make them feel even better about themselves and just confirm their low opinion of me

Belinda · #20 28th February 2013, 22:04

^ I feel your pain, Macca (and everyone else). I used to have this really annoying friend I used to go birdwatching with and whenever he stopped the car to pop out to get petrol or something he ALWAYS used to say 'Don't steal my car and don't speak to strangers!' and I didn't really know what to reply to that. I don't think his banter was that witty but he had the knack as he didn't care less whether people found it funny or not whereas many of us s.a. types would curl up and die if a joke we made fell flat.

Clockface · #21 28th February 2013, 22:59

Quote:

Originally Posted by Belinda

^ I feel your pain, Macca (and everyone else). I used to have this really annoying friend I used to go birdwatching with and whenever he stopped the car to pop out to get petrol or something he ALWAYS used to say 'Don't steal my car and don't speak to strangers!' and I didn't really know what to reply to that. I don't think his banter was that witty but he had the knack as he didn't care less whether people found it funny or not whereas many of us s.a. types would curl up and die if a joke we made fell flat.

Thanks Belinda!

That's another thing that gets me which you mentioned at the very end of your response. When I am having a quick witted moment, I am scared to actually say it out loud to the group incase they don't laugh

Marzipen · #22 28th February 2013, 23:40

I sometimes make the good joke and the others don't pick up on it, but I've learnt to see it as their loss rather than my mistake, so I just carry on making more.

Related to this I like being outspoken especially when everyone else is pussyfooting around something or other. So I sort of dart out with something outspoken and bold and then mentally hide away for fear of the reaction and don't make any eye contact. A weird game to play!

MeMyself&I · #23 1st March 2013, 00:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leonard_Egan

^ That sums it up for me pretty well. Im so laid back and easy going though that at least noone really feels like they have bothered me or got to me. They think it's water off a ducks back and nowadays it mostly is. But if you try and make a fool of me.........I will bring you to your knees with my hammer of wit and cruelty.........around 30 minutes later when I'm at home alone with my thoughts. Such is life.

diplodocus · #24 1st March 2013, 07:57

I think any form of tension or anxiety will affect wit because I feel I need to be in a relaxed state of mind. Some days I can feel quite sharp when I'm in a good place and other days I can be really dim. Days when I have a mind fog I'd struggle to recite my times tables let alone vociferate razor sharp witticisms.

I'm pretty sure it's to do with how relaxed I am and my level of inhibition because when I've had a drink or two (not a lot) I actually feel quite quick witted (maybe it's just in my head) and I can respond pretty succinctly with something poignant. One thing I do know is that I only feel like this when I'm in a care free state of mind. Being anxious in any way kills it completely.

Something off topic but sort of related that a few others have a mentioned is that when they do tell a joke it goes unnoticed. I have this a fair bit. Happens when people don't know your sense of humour or don't expect you to have one and it doesn't help if you are deadpan with it. I prefer totally deadpan humour, I hate having to laugh at my own jokes or smile to let the other person(s) know it was joke. Unfortunately this can often mean that they totally miss your effort and assume you have no sense of humour because you are being serious

Then having got used to this reaction if you meet someone who does pick up on it and laughs a lot it's actually quite disconcerting.

GoldFish · #25 1st March 2013, 09:25

*I think you have to have a good sense of the inward to be good at it, if you are however outwards in terms of being self conscious, so meaning your senory awareness is mainly on everyone around you and not inwardly towards your own thoughts then being witty will be hard because you won't be able to access your mind. non self consious people are only focussed on the person they are talking to and their own mind, unless something distracts them outright then they can focus on 2 things instead of the self consious person who is focussing on everybody in the room and the noise, and what people may be thinking, big difference between the two.

*another problem is how relaxed you are combined with your self esteem at work or at school. some people just find those environments very hard to deal with. other can somehow fake it better or maybe not fake it but can be more relaxed.

*from what i can tell, people who are very chatty with their brothers and sisters or with a certain group of friends are going to be the ones who can cope in a clique or can give some lip back etc.

*another issue is that some people have photographic memory and can understand concepts very easily even while distracted. they may be good at learning audibly whilst others are better at learning visually.

*unfortunately some people just have advantages over other people. whether it's genetic. it could be their environment is more comfortable to exist in. they've had a normal to above average social life at school etc.

*i think the only way to improve the self esteem is to get as much exposure to those situations as possible, so you can relax and to expand your general knowledge and to read more, watch movies. live in the now. its easy to watch a movie and to not be paying any attention, so if someone talks about that movie jokingly it means their awareness and focus is just very relaxed and normal.

*some people's wit at work astonishes me, and i mean astonishing. literally, people who can quote almost anything from the movies they watch and can twist it to almost any conversation to the point where is doesn't seem believable to someone such as myself who struggles with comebacks and comes across as too nicey nice and probably too serious.

*ever seen black swan? that sort of thing. not intentionally serious and unwitty, but that's just the way i am because of the conditioned upbringing and experiences.

*but i can be relaxed given the right situation. just not in intimidating situations, which rules out alot.

*i think at the core of this is something a bit deeper. if you are with people you find intimidating, which could be authority, people who show off alot/needy for attention. or maybe the "2 cool for school" clique then it is going to be uncomfortable. You may be alot better around people you feel are on the same level but the empathy and the comfort is there so you won't be afraid to try out more jokes or more conversation. for instance (when you don't feel threatened or under pressure.

*ya know...it's hard to be relaxed at work, under pressure of pace and tasks and with people everywhere, same at a party which is a bit like an organised experiment of people in a confined space.

*An example of how complex this can be. I knew a guy who was incredibly funny/witty/relaxed outside of work, but at work because everything is so fast-paced & their are close nit cliques, he is a completely different person. it is amazing and i'm sure there are many different varients of this for alot of people out there.

*so next time you see a clique joking around, being (not just witty) but impressively witty, remember what i said above.

*another thing, maybe you just don't click around certain personality types. completely understandable but probably not very useful.

*anyway, you see how dang complex this can be but to keep things simple. maybe just try your best to somehow relax. maybe even find better environments for you to cope with. if you can. easier said than done. but probably worth the effort.

*Another thing i have learnt, is that reading witty quotes, funny stories, short term fixes don't work, it's too one dimensional and is a quick fix compared to people who practice flow of conversation, knowing what to say with timing over many years.

wintertulip · #26 1st March 2013, 10:04

Yes. I'm actually pretty good at making jokes, witty observations, etc, when it's just me and my boyfriend hanging out together. He's always commenting that I make him laugh. But if I'm interacting in a group, the conversation has already moved on by the time I've thought of anything at all to say, never mind a witty comment. I think it's because in a group I'm diverting too much focus into worrying about what people think of me, looking for an appropriate time to speak, and double-checking that I'm not about to say something stupid.

GoldFish · #27 1st March 2013, 10:11

Macca82. Also remember that alot of people are just more placid and mild around people. None of this is really an issue if you can be content with that. That maybe you will only be more open in the right environment for you. Like i said alot of people are not outgoing and that's around anyone because they are wired that way. Now this can be changed if perception can be changed. But there is nothing wrong with it either way i guess, is my point..

i don't usually have comebacks because i am dumb when it comes to responsive humour/wit or wit that is reactive. my wit usually comes from nonsense "that only i will probably understand" because of the reference and wouldn't make alot of sense to the other person so i stay quiet and reserved instead..