Dancing

[Noddy]

Hi everyone,

I've never told anyone this and would like to get it off my chest and ask for advice or sympathy!

I'm in my early 40s and since my teenage years I have been plagued by a fear of dancing. I used to look forward to a time when I was 30 because I thought that would be too old to go to clubs and be expected to join in!

This fear has been a problem because dancing, I have come to realise, is central to human existence. In teenage years being scared to dance means not being able to socialise because just as you become comfortable enough with friends to go to places where their is dancing that is also the end of the friendship because one can't join in and one's friends move on.

At University sitting on the sidelines whilst my friends danced meant that I again singled myself out as being odd.

In my working years socialising often meant dancing so I shied away from social events.

In my relationship I can't go dancing even though my other half loves to. I just make up some shit about not liking 'those types of places'.

And recently in this relationship our first joint wedding invitation. It will be a nightmare sitting on the sidelines whilst everyone else joins in.

I have danced on a handful of occasions. To do so I have been on drugs. One of the best nights of my life was at a rave in my twenties, on drugs, enjoying the company of females and dancing through the night. Another was on drugs at a nightlcub. So I know it really is pleasurable.

Anyone?

[Ben1981]

Im male and probably the worlds worst dancer. I avoid clubs anyway cos I find the atmosphere pushes my anxiety into overdrive but Im also dyspraxic and lacking coordination skills doesn't really help. If I was to be dragged into a club I would probably sit down all night and only dance providing I can drink myself into a stupor and have a reason for not doing well on the dancefloor.

[diplodocus]

I love dance, it's really liberating. For years I couldn't relax properly unless I'd consumed copious amounts of alcohol but after many years I can finally let go and enjoy myself without too much bother. It's one of my favourite pastimes. Ever thought about joining a dance class?

[Sea]

I'm afraid of (and crap at) dancing too. But while it was awkward as a teen/early 20s, I've found it pretty easy to avoid in later years. Mostly because I don't go to any evening events at all. It definitely would be a problem if I ever got married and had to endure one of those evening reception things, but that looks somewhat unlikely and so I am not worrying about it.

[Amber Fyre]

I'm female and I won't dance. I've been to weddings where people have tried over and over again to drag me up to dance "it'll be fun, come on, you're not having fun unless you dance!", but I always make an excuse. It gets very tiresome. I hate people who try and force 'fun' on others like they know you better than yourself.

Generally my lack of dancing hasn't been a big issue though, I'm rarely in situations where it is required. I know quite a few people, men especially, who don't dance at all. You can just make up an excuse at social events that you have a dodgy foot or knee or something so can't dance.

[Noddy]

Thanks all for your lovely replies.

Jinny, I am male. Your brother turning to karaoke on his wedding night made me smile. That, to me, seems harder (I've done it once) but guaranteed to win friends rather than alienate people.

Deliverance, thanks for your reply. It's interesting that would need a reason to do it badly. That has helped me see it is my fear of doing badly and being becoming center of attention that is scary.

diplodocus, I love that you can experience the liberation of dance. I have considered joining a class, a structured class which teaches structured dance moves. That to me is learning a skill like any other and therefore not scary rather than what I am guessing you experience which is liberating 'free' dance? It is the letting myself go which I find a terrifying public display of emotion.

Sea, I agree it is easy to avoid situations in which dancing is expected. Regrettably whilst I want to avoid it I can't but see it as a thing of beauty and liberation so want to do it.

Martin 74, you are right there are more important things in life. For me though at a very deep level singing and dancing seems important even though it scares the hell out of me.

Amber Fyre, I also hate being forced to 'do' fun. It's reassuring to hear you know many people who don't dance at all. I wonder how they cope at their own wedding. I'm actually partly avoiding getting married because of this fear.

[Amber Fyre]

Originally Posted by Noddy

Amber Fyre, I also hate being forced to 'do' fun. It's reassuring to hear you know many people who don't dance at all. I wonder how they cope at their own wedding. I'm actually partly avoiding getting married because of this fear.

Well if you got married it's your wedding so you don't have to dance But I know it's difficult if your partner does want to, and there are also expectations from others about what is the 'done thing' at weddings. I've always said if I got married I wouldn't dance and would do things my own way and tell tradition to sod right off

I've known a few people (who don't dance) who had very small weddings and didn't dance, just got married then had a meal out. No disco or dance floor. I guess other people who hate dancing just learn a particular dance and get it over with quickly, and drink a lot first!

But I know not liking to dance can be awkward. I just don't understand what dancing requires and I just view it as making a fool of myself in public! I remember on 'Big Fat Quiz of the Year' a few years ago David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker spoke a lot about how they will never dance and hate it when people try to force them to. They really summed up my thoughts about it!

[Moksha]

Originally Posted by Amber Fyre

I'm female and I won't dance. I've been to weddings where people have tried over and over again to drag me up to dance "it'll be fun, come on, you're not having fun unless you dance!", but I always make an excuse. It gets very tiresome. I hate people who try and force 'fun' on others like they know you better than yourself.
.

god I agree amber. Some people are so insistent as well- they make out they just want you to join in the fun, but I think many of them secretly enjoy making you feel uncomfortable.

Dancing has been one of the secret dreads of my life. It is one of those things I just cannot do. I HATE it. You are definitely not alone

[T]

I've loved to dance shame i haven't done it for an age though its one thing i felt comfortable with over the years i don't need to be drunk to dance either wish i had the guts to dance professional abit late in the day for that now though...

[Noddy]

Amber, I looked up that clip on You Tube. It is funny. I do like David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker, two of my favourite TV people.

Great to hear I'm not alone Moksha.

T and Tabatha. How does one dance to pop? I mean really, are there some moves or something which were taught in school that I missed? I don't know what to do! And before anybody says you just let yourself go there are clearly memes in dancing depending on where you were brought up. Aren't there?

[Captain Nemo]

Originally Posted by Noddy

I mean really, are there some moves or something which were taught in school that I missed? I don't know what to do!

I know! I've always felt the same - it's like, where did everyone learn all that shit? Some of the routines are so complicated as well, I haven't a hope.

I know what you mean when you say about it being central to human existance though. When I used to be invited to parties I was too scared to go, and a large part of this was the possibility that dancing might be involved. I did eventually get persuaded to go to a few clubs, but it was still a problem. I am so noticeably shite at dancing that some of the people I was with would pick up on it, and it would cause friction. Perhaps it was because it was very obvious that I didn't always enjoy it, and I would inevitably tell them that the music was shit anyway, which led to further arguments. Yeah, I'm fun on a night out.

When I got to Uni the same fear always loomed large, so in my 3 years I barely set foot in the Union or any other social place. And now I am branded a misery when I don't want to go to the work Xmas thing.

So yes, dancing is shit all round.

[Noddy]

Anyone? What is the secret to dancing?

[Concept]

Sense of Rhythm and not giving a pluck (easy to say I know).

[red_kites]

I'd say it is something you are born with. To most girls, dancing seems to be a much easier thing to pick up or enjoy. As a male, you can 'learn' how to dance, but I'm not sure it's something you can enjoy. Some do, but not me. Even though I dance (when forced, and under the influence of lots of alcohol) I still don't enjoy it and am anxious that people are looking at me.

[OliverCromwell]

I think if you are very self conscious anything like this where you put yourself up for potential ridicule is very awkward and unnatural. Its yet another reason why I would never go to night clubs.(apart from being socially inept that is!)

[jsw]

I love dancing. Clubbing, moshing, whatever. Love it love it love it.

It's one of those (rare) activities where my SA just melts away. Initially, I feel more than a little nervous but after a few songs - and a few drinks - I turn into a bit of a whirlwind :-)

Hadn't danced for years until about 3 weeks ago when I went to a work party, which went OK. After a few drinks, I was there, dancing away, arms in the air...

However, I totally understand the OP's point about embarrassment. Dancing at a wedding with friends/relatives, for example, is a totally different environment to dancing in a club, and it's certainly conducive to a less "easy" atmosphere.

That said, I was once at a wedding where I drank the bar dry of gin and ended up in a mosh to "Breathe" by the Prodigy in the middle of the dancefloor with a friend before ending up shirtless on a bouncy castle.

[jsw]

Originally Posted by BFG

There's no law that says any one has to dance if you don't want to dance then don't dance.

That's very true.