its finally over for me

[Toonkate]

ive had enough, i cant fight anymore, i have no energy left in me
ive been planning this for a couple of months now, researching, planning etc, everything is ready, just waiting to get fathers day over with, then, hopefully next week i will go.
i have got hold of some meds that i know will kill me, i have well more than enough to kill me, and there will be no chickening out at the last minute this time, ive chosen meds that have no antidote, so even if i do end up in hospital, there is nothing anyone can do.
it feels quite a releif knowing the end is nearly here, knowing i will finally have peace, but trying to hold off til after fathers day is not proving easy.

[Toonkate]

ps, meant to say, pls dont reply to this. i wont be back to read replies.
i just need to get it out of my head and cant do it on my forum as there are ppl there who have my contact details.
feel free to delete now admin, all i needed was to get it out in words

[vaz0202]

bonovox1119@hotmail.com drop me a line asap.

[sophie79]

woah

tromo@tangledwires.co.uk

[mattty]

Ok so you've been waiting till fathers day is over therefore you must care about your dad? Do you think he's going to take this any easier because you waited untill after sunday? All i'm saying is don't do anything rash.....talk to your doctor or even go to casualty & tell them you feel suicidal, help is out there.

[TimB72]

Originally Posted by Toonkate

ps, meant to say, pls dont reply to this. i wont be back to read replies.

Oh come now, why post if you don't want replies - you've done the right thing to post how you feel, so at least see what others think. You sound convinced of your plans, but thats only because you are not giving yourself a chance - when we are very low its easy to see only worst happening, and therefore feel suicide has to be better than that. You probably can't see the wood for the tree's, and it can be very lonely and desperate when there doesn't appear to be a positive/good way forward - but there can be, if you give yourself that chance to try.

I've been there myself a few times, but the last time I felt suicidal, earlier this year, I phoned my doc and she rang back and we talked about things, and suddenly I felt a lot better - she also put me in touch with the crisis team at my local NSH community mental health unit. Eventually its led me visiting a local drop-in centre for people with mental health problems, and now I feel part of something and beginning to be much more positive about myself and my future. In fact, I think I may be on the way to overcoming my self-hate and SA - though I may never be free of those completely, but as long as I can start to enjoy life and do things normal people do I don't really mind.

I hope you return and talk about things, if not on the board then in private, or offline - it can make a big difference to get things out of your head, and to know others are listening.

[GoldFish]

NO its not over for you, keep trying and always look for a greater purpose, one simple aspect of your life that is worth holding onto and try and block out all the negative parts, its a challenge but its a worthy challenge for yourself to get through, find your happy place and focus on that

If you even think about doing yourself again then i will be very pissed off

[karl61]

Originally Posted by Toonkate

ive had enough, i cant fight anymore, i have no energy left in me
ive been planning this for a couple of months now, researching, planning etc, everything is ready, just waiting to get fathers day over with, then, hopefully next week i will go.
i have got hold of some meds that i know will kill me, i have well more than enough to kill me, and there will be no chickening out at the last minute this time, ive chosen meds that have no antidote, so even if i do end up in hospital, there is nothing anyone can do.
it feels quite a releif knowing the end is nearly here, knowing i will finally have peace, but trying to hold off til after fathers day is not proving easy.

listen this whole suicide thing is getting out of hand.your not living in darfur.your not starving,i presume you have a roof over your head.dont buy into the whole western/american idea.that you must be a success,financially,have 2.2 kids and two cars in the driveway.


the thing that works for me when i,m down.rather than go on retreat.which,as a born roman catholic i,ve thought about,and a comfort to many folk.

i go camping around ireland.basic living and i love it.you can transpose that idea to any country.of course you may need meds/therapy to achieve that desire but it is possible

[R27uk]

I was in your shoes a few years back, I had it all planned.

A few weeks later on Prozac and exercise, controlled diet etc and I am glad to say I felt great.

Don't do it, don't give up, it's your brain chemistry which is failing you, seek help, try a different approach.

Please.

[punkFloyd]

toonkate , were all here


(((((((((( toonkate ))))))))))

[Freespirit]

i can understand how you feel toonkate, i have felt like that many times myself. its so hard battling with sa everyday that its obviously eventually gonna wear us down.i cant effect your decision but i do want to say that you have fought your sa up until now...battling hard everyday...i think u owe it to urself to carry on fighting.

hope u make the right choices for yourself toonkate,please remember that there will always be people who will miss you..your friends family and us on this site...u are loved take care

[Annie]

I became very very close, I called a friend who rang 999, I hated him at the time, I ended up in hospital and I am now on loads of Meds and although they do not take away the problems I feel so much better. My friend saved my life and I will always 'love' him for that.

Please don't do it! No one do it! Go to casulty if your GP does not help! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Cling to your dreams! The worse moments pass.

[pboy]

There has to be something worth living for, surely. How will your father feel if you die?
Like others I have been there too, I've attempted suicide in the past, so I totally know how you feel. Your life seems totally worthless when you get that low. But it's certainly not worthless, to others at least. Your death would have a big impact on other people and could really damage their lives.

[Lunarsea]

I dont mean to be a asshole and i hope i dont sound like one but another one ? was there a update on the girl did she reply

[Kevin Hodge]

toonkate, i hope you are ok. please don't take your life, try to get help in a way that you can manage to deal with. don't waste your life.

i hope you will let us know you are ok when you feel you can post again.

[Orchid]

Hope you're ok Toonkate! Please reconsider, think of your family and how devastated they will feel.

[яemus]

Originally Posted by Lunarsea

I dont mean to be a asshole and i hope i dont sound like one but another one ? was there a update on the girl did she reply

I've thought the same, we have had a few memebers over the last few months feeling this way, it's a worry, I hope there are people they can reach out to both here and at home and I hope we dont see another post like the insomniac extroadonaire one, I hope they read this and see how it would hurt us all to lose anyone

hugs to all those in pain

[Freespirit]

anybody heard from toonkate, hope she is ok.

if your reading this toonkaye, how are ya doing?

hope ur feeling better.tc

[ShyDoll]

I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone..I just can't hold it in anymore. I feel like a cow saying this but; if you both really wanted to kill yourselves you would have done it by now. I'm no expert on this stuff..Lord knows I'm still not happy with my life and am sooo confused by everything but.. I could just imagine if you really had these suididal thoughts you would just do it. Your thoughts would become so un-rational that you probably wouldnt even function properly to turn your pc on let alone come on and make a huge great post about it.

Again, sorry if this upsets anyone.

[next_exit]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone..I just can't hold it in anymore. I feel like a cow saying this but; if you both really wanted to kill yourselves you would have done it by now. I'm no expert on this stuff..Lord knows I'm still not happy with my life and am sooo confused by everything but.. I could just imagine if you really had these suididal thoughts you would just do it. Your thoughts would become so un-rational that you probably wouldnt even function properly to turn your pc on let alone come on and make a huge great post about it.

Again, sorry if this upsets anyone.

No i agree with you entirely

[DeathSpank]

I'm in full agreement also. I think posts like this should be removed shortly after going up, as they only serve to create bad vibes and tension among everyone, who see others threatening to kill themselves, and maybe then view their own lives and situations with such utter hopelessness, creating a knock on effect..

I've (indirectly - through others) known 2 people who have killed themselves and its not something they ever spoke about beforehand, obviously they didnt want others to feel guilt or shame from their own selfish actions. Ask yourself, is that really how you want to be remembered? Though I think in general those who choose to end their struggles completely detach themselves from everything and everyone first.

Being an ex admin of a forum with over 300,000 users, believe me I've seen it all. I'd give you some really troubling examples, but I'm just way too tired to type anymore tonight.

[karl61]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone..I just can't hold it in anymore. I feel like a cow saying this but; if you both really wanted to kill yourselves you would have done it by now. I'm no expert on this stuff..Lord knows I'm still not happy with my life and am sooo confused by everything but.. I could just imagine if you really had these suididal thoughts you would just do it. Your thoughts would become so un-rational that you probably wouldnt even function properly to turn your pc on let alone come on and make a huge great post about it.

Again, sorry if this upsets anyone.

i think a lot of people are thinking what you are saying shydoll,so dont feel like a cow.i think you are very brave in saying it.this whole suicide thing has brought back horrible memories for me.memories i thought i had banished.i could get into an explosion of philasophical reasoning why i think it is a bad idea to end ones life. like how do know you would be at peace?.maybe what we experience in this life,prepares us for the next etc.i know this way of thinking is not 'cool' in this day and age but it,s my thoughts none the less.

the one thing i do know is,i wish there was this kind of support available when i was suicidal in my younger days.

[яemus]

Originally Posted by suburbanboy

I'm in full agreement also. I think posts like this should be removed shortly after going up, as they only serve to create bad vibes and tension among everyone, who see others threatening to kill themselves, and maybe then view their own lives and situations with such utter hopelessness, creating a knock on effect..

I dont feel like that, I think its a good thing to vent here, the forum I moderate dosnt allow posts as this and it pisses me off as crys for help never go up

[dannygirl]

Originally Posted by Remus

I dont feel like that, I think its a good thing to vent here, the forum I moderate dosnt allow posts as this and it pisses me off as crys for help never go up

Exactly. The way I see it is,.. If someone feels the need to say,that they're going to kill themselves, then they need help whether they mean it or not.

I agree with you Remus, it is a cry for help regardless.

People want to push it to the back of their minds, because it's too depressing/upsetting (alot like sa itself, hence the games and etc on this site) to think about, and I completely understand this, but this is an SA forum for people with problems, and some of these are going to be suicide, so I think it would be wrong to just ignore this

Especially if posting, helps someone not to go ahead and do it

[dannygirl]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone..I just can't hold it in anymore. I feel like a cow saying this but; if you both really wanted to kill yourselves you would have done it by now. I'm no expert on this stuff..Lord knows I'm still not happy with my life and am sooo confused by everything but.. I could just imagine if you really had these suididal thoughts you would just do it. Your thoughts would become so un-rational that you probably wouldnt even function properly to turn your pc on let alone come on and make a huge great post about it.

Again, sorry if this upsets anyone.

I don't think you're a cow ShyDoll, everyone's entitled to their opinion

[DeathSpank]

I've seen enough on here to suggest that none of the people involved would go through with it. Whether or not they realise it themselves, they have too much passion for life bubbling like a hot cauldron inside of them, even if they feel their hearts flame has almost been extinguished. You mightnt think you have a reason left to live, but thats only because you havent found one yet. So keep looking. The answer is probably closer than you think, staring you right in the face infact

Once you've lost hope, you've stopped caring about everything, and the tears have all but dried up, thats the time to worry. But the tears are still flowing freely by all accounts, which shows your all still capable of feeling emotion, be it joy or sadness. And that you do give a damn what becomes of you.

I think it was violet that said something about leaving everything in her will to the samaritans. Which shows she still has an eagerness to help others, which wouldn't be present in somebody that just didn't give a f**k anymore. So maybe. just maybe, thats a worthwhile enough cause for you to dedicate your life to in the pursuit of happiness, and in order to fulfil your own destiny, rather than let it all go to waste...

[DeathSpank]

and from what I've seen on another forum toonkate was in jovial spirits yesterday and the day before

[sophie79]

Originally Posted by ShyDoll

I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone..I just can't hold it in anymore. I feel like a cow saying this but; if you both really wanted to kill yourselves you would have done it by now. I'm no expert on this stuff..Lord knows I'm still not happy with my life and am sooo confused by everything but.. I could just imagine if you really had these suididal thoughts you would just do it. Your thoughts would become so un-rational that you probably wouldnt even function properly to turn your pc on let alone come on and make a huge great post about it.

Again, sorry if this upsets anyone.

Well you've echoed my feeling exactly, although I was too afraid to say something like this, I think your'e very brave ShyDoll you have my upmost respect.

My feelings on suicide is that when you get to that point, making posts on an internet forum no longer are important enough to matter. Maybe a note would get left to your close family but thats about it. Feeling low enough to commit suicide, you wouldn't seek attention on an internet forum about it, you would just do it.

I've felt incedibly low before and said to people I'm suicidal, so has my Mum whos been a lot worse than me at times. But I know deep down that neither of us are going anywhere. Although we shouldnt rule out the possibility threats of suicide 99% of the time are just cries for help.

[peppermint]

Originally Posted by suburbanboy

Yeah, but why post it on a forum for all to see, including their mates? Why not confide in them first about how they are feeling?

I've seen enough on here to suggest that none of the people involved would go through with it. Whether or not they realise it themselves, they have too much passion for life bubbling like a hot cauldron inside of them, even if they feel their hearts flame has almost been extinguished. You mightnt think you have a reason left to live, but thats only because you havent found one yet. So keep looking. The answer is probably closer than you think, staring you right in the face infact

Once you've lost hope, you've stopped caring about everything, and the tears have all but dried up, thats the time to worry. But the tears are still flowing freely by all accounts, which shows your all still capable of feeling emotion, be it joy or sadness. And that you do give a damn what becomes of you.

I think it was violet that said something about leaving everything in her will to the samaritans. Which shows she still has an eagerness to help others, which wouldn't be present in somebody that just didn't give a f**k anymore. So maybe. just maybe, thats a worthwhile enough cause for you to dedicate your life to in the pursuit of happiness, and in order to fulfil your own destiny, rather than let it all go to waste...

I think your approach is probably better than mine, but I'm not good with words so I end up offending people . Thats really good advice, I really hope it does stop people from commiting suicide.

[Innerspace]

I wasn't going to post on this, but I've changed my mind.
First off, I agree with ShyDoll. Her post was a brave one, but one that obviously voiced the feelings of many people on the board.

My feeling is that in most cases the imminently suicidal person is far too irrational to consider writing well thought out posts on a forum. With this in mind I think that most people doing so are at their wits end and need to vent the fact that they are mentally shattered and want that feeling to end. They won't necessarily carry it through though.

I know from experience that mentally rehearsing ending it all can actually be enough to defuse the situation and result in relieving pressure. Maybe this is what most of these posts are about. This rehearsing may be instrumental in helping the person to stay alive, so I find myself disagreeing with Suburban boy who believes such material should not be on the board. I feel that it serves a useful purpose towards defusing the situation. So if this safety valve were not here, the pressure could grow and become critical. At least here there is an outlet for it.

A note of caution has to be said here too.
Some people who commit suicide make a definite decision to do so at a particular time and place. Once that decision is made there is a feeling of serenity, of calm and of contentment in finally finding 'the answer' to all those crippling problems. I know this because I made that decision myself in 2002. Once I knew I was going to do it, where and when, all pressure lifted and I would have been very capable of posting a post such as one I've seen here on this topic recently. I eventually pulled back from going through with it after a massive re-think and declaration to make a last go at life. Some others do not pull back. So it is worth bearing in mind that not all posters saying they are suicidal are simply venting and releasing pressure. In a few cases they could well be telling it how it is.

In my limited experience in counselling I have seen that you can not talk the imminently suicidal out of it because they just go and do it. The rest may well benefit from venting and getting off their chest though. This place offers them that space to vent, and as such offers something of a safety valve. If that safety valve were not there then pressure could grow rather than diminish. Saying "It's all over for me" often gives a person mental breathing space, and is enough to keep them alive.