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  #61  
Old 8th January 2011, 02:32
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by seth brundle
"two girls one cup" was funded with an arts council grant.

and directed by michael winner
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  #62  
Old 8th January 2011, 23:03
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I appeared in several episodes of 1970s TV sitcom 'Man About the House' - playing a suspiciously effeminate work colleague of Paula Wilcox.
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  #63  
Old 9th January 2011, 17:44
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

A friend of my cousin's is a traffic cop in South Africa. Apparently he was on patrol one day on the highway outside of Jo'bourg when he came across a nasty accident in which a guy transporting human organs by motorbike crashed into a monkey that was on the road eating a banana. It was a right mess and there were bits of monkey all over the place plus the box on the back of the bike had broken open spilling its contents, a human brain, onto the road. Anyway, the cop checked the guy's vital signs and found he was dead so he phoned up the nearest hospital and asked if they were expecting a brain to be delivered. They said it would be no use now because it would start to go off once the air had got to it but that he might as well try popping it into the dead guy to see if that brought him round. Obviously the cop was a bit nervous about this as he'd never done anything like that before but they said not to worry as they'd talk him through the procedure over the phone, tell him what bits to connect up and that. Anyway, he was just finished popping the new brain in when the ambulance and police arrived, the medics checked the biker guy and said the operation had been successful and he'd be fine now. The cops in the car told our man that he might as well take the rest of the day off and they would tidy up, seeing as he'd done such a good job, so off he went. It was only when the other cops were scooping up all the bits off the road that they realised there were two human brains left and no sign of the monkey's brain but they kept quiet about in case the biker guy sued.
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  #64  
Old 9th January 2011, 17:53
piesJoy piesJoy is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I once broke my leg stage diving. Severity of said injury was so bad I had to stay in hospital for nearly two weeks. (Pssst, actually it was only one week).....
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  #65  
Old 9th January 2011, 18:26
piesJoy piesJoy is offline
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Cool Re: tell lies

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  #66  
Old 9th January 2011, 18:44
Effervescing Elephant Effervescing Elephant is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

My great great grandfather Ethel Parts invented steam in 1829. Prior to this development water only became luke warm no matter how much heat was applied.

Parts failed to see the economic potential of his invention and it was left to lovable gap-toothed scouser James Watt to develop it into the steam engine. Watts' engine was in high demand across the country for pumping the atrocities out of music halls.

A year later young Welsh goer George Stevenson nailed a steam engine to a horse-drawn bicycle and invented Thomas the Tank engine. The nation went wild.

Ethel Parts was one of this country's greatesy unrecognised inventors, also being responsible for the creation of gingivitis and the undulating gusset sexophone.
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  #67  
Old 9th January 2011, 20:05
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The national anthem of Ecuador is 'Dagenham Dave' by Morrissey.
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  #68  
Old 9th January 2011, 20:25
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Effervescing Elephant

A year later young Welsh goer George Stevenson nailed a steam engine to a horse-drawn bicycle and invented Thomas the Tank engine.
Literally LOL!
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  #69  
Old 9th January 2011, 20:30
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

/me lie mode off



just wanna personally say thanks for all the wonderful work going on in this thread. its such a great read, and i didn't know there were quite so many very funny and imaginitive peeps on here just now
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  #70  
Old 9th January 2011, 20:33
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

My next-door-neighbour-but-one's nephew has a friend who registered with an employment agency and got a stint working for Ginsters, making pasties and that. Anyway on his first day he lost a finger in the meat mincing machine and he had to be taken to hospital to have a plaster stuck on the stump. It was only when he came out that he discovered it was company policy to turn off the machine immediately any foreign object entered the meat mush mix, but he had left it switched on as he hadn't been told about that. They paid him 10,000 to keep quiet about it.
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  #71  
Old 9th January 2011, 20:40
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Default Re: tell lies

I went to school with a guy whose grandfather's barber's neighbour knew a guy who used to work for the MoD. Apparently Britain actually lost WWII but it was kept quiet as it was thought it would be bad for morale if the British public found out.
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  #72  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:04
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

This one time, I was cycling down to the shop to get some milk and this guy stopped me and said I was doing the fastest bike-riding he'd ever seen in his life and he was like the olympic cycling team captain or something and he asked if I would do their cycling for them, I was that good, but I had to get back as I'd left the oven on, with a lasagne in.
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  #73  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:13
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

My sisters husbands aunties budgies hairdresser was the assistant to the assistant make up artist on the film Titanic starring Kate Capstick and Leonardo Da Vinci.
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  #74  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:17
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

All winter my house has been heated by an old telegraph pole lowered carefully down the chimley by helicopter and left to slowly and gradually burn down...
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  #75  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:19
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

In Romania, having social anxiety disorder is a CRIMINAL OFFENCE and can carry a ten year prison sentence.
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  #76  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:22
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The scissor sisters are so called because they collect scissors.
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  #77  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:26
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by filo
All winter my house has been heated by an old telegraph pole lowered carefully down the chimley by helicopter and left to slowly and gradually burn down...
Quote:
Originally Posted by filo
The scissor sisters are so called because they collect scissors.


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  #78  
Old 9th January 2011, 22:56
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I was polishing my door knob this one time when a car broke down right outside my house. The two fellas that were in it asked if they could use my phone to contact the AA (their mobile phones had broken down too) and, while they were waiting, I made them some sandwiches. Anyway, turns out it was Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver and they said the sandwiches that I'd made were the nicest things they'd ever eaten in their lives and they asked if I could come and be in charge of all the cooking in their restaurants but I couldn't because I had a DVD due back at Blockbuster, it was Die Hard.
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  #79  
Old 9th January 2011, 23:39
xTKsaucex xTKsaucex is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

It is a well known fact that Robert Barone from Everyone loves Raymond is a close evolutionary link of Nicolas Cage.

WW2 started as a result of a chess game gone horribly wrong.

Itchy bum at night equals smelly finger in the morning.,

Computers were originally a way for governments worldwide to keep a tabs on their given citizens. The idea conceived by the UN during the late 80's resulted in Computers being built with in built camera's and microphones which recorded the activities of all humans using computers and were watched and monitored by a company in Geneva that recruited possibly the largest number of employees at the time and peaked in 2003. However, the idea was terminated a year later after employees left they're jobs in the thousands. The main reason, besides a number of ethical problems, was the amount of time each employee had to be forced to watch men jacking off during the course of the day. One account said "I had to watch this fat bastard go at it at least 20 times daily that he usually ran out of tissues and had to wipe it off into a cup which he left on the desk for weeks on end."
The second reason was also due to the problem of masturbation. A number of employees were found in their booths similarly being enticed by what they were viewing that they too felt the need to jack off which was strictly against company policy.
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  #80  
Old 10th January 2011, 17:29
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

I was filling in for my cousin this one time because he had a dose of that Dengue Fever and he couldn't do his round on the dustcart. Anyway, I was emptying this one bin and there was a teabag stuck to the bottom so I started banging on the bin to try and dislodge it. Next thing, the guy whose house it was came out and it was Phil Collins off of Genesis and he said that the banging I was doing was better than anything he'd heard in his life and he asked if I'd go on tour with Genesis and be in charge of all their drumming but I said I couldn't because I had to go and pick up this bit of rubbish that was blowing away. It was a Findus Crispy Pancake box.
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  #81  
Old 10th January 2011, 20:32
filo filo is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Etymologically speaking, the noun Tory is derived from the word Con-serva-tory.
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  #82  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:03
Caribou Caribou is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Toothpaste contains ingredients which cause tooth decay in order to keep dentists in business.
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  #83  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:29
Grogoch Grogoch is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

If you inject a beetroot with 15ml of ginger beer and methamphetamine, mixed at a temerature of 14 degrees, it will sing for you. With fondness in its tiny voice, for you -The fondness can be tailored just for you.
Pre-injected beetroots available at www.kukri-vegetables.com
Reared with organic tenderness.
Soprano and bass strains so far. Very adept at singing dirges, and crunk.
Perfect for curing mental illness.
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  #84  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:30
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

This one time, I was helping out my uncle with his painting and decorating stuff he does because he'd torn a ligament in his shoulder when he was getting a tin of beans off the top shelf in his kitchen cupboard, so he couldn't reach up to do any high-up painting. Anyway, I was on top of the step ladder balancing on one foot while stretching over to paint the coving when the dog belonging to the man who owned the house we were painting came running in and knocked the ladder from under me, big dog it was. I was going to hit the floor head first so I quickly did a somersault in mid-air just as the guy whose house it was came in and I and landed on my feet. Turns out the guy who owned the house was Jackie Chan and he said that that falling off the ladder I did was the best falling he'd ever seen in his life and he asked me to come to Hollywood and be in charge of all his stunts in the movies he does, but I said I couldn't because I had to get to B&Q before it shuts to pick up a tin of paint. It was magnolia vinyl silk.
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  #85  
Old 10th January 2011, 21:48
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

In 1996, I was briefly married to the actress June Whitfield.
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  #86  
Old 11th January 2011, 10:46
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by kukri
If you inject a beetroot with 15ml of ginger beer and methamphetamine, mixed at a temerature of 14 degrees, it will sing for you. With fondness in its tiny voice, for you -The fondness can be tailored just for you.
Pre-injected beetroots available at www.kukri-vegetables.com
Reared with organic tenderness.
Soprano and bass strains so far. Very adept at singing dirges, and crunk.
Perfect for curing mental illness.

i had one of your singing beetroots with hummus last night, i can still hear it chanting in my depths
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  #87  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:06
Hylian Hylian is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

many storks went out of business when sex education was first introduced into the curriculum in 1983. The RSPB has since campaigned for the retraining of the stork workforce, to no avail.
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  #88  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:08
marki marki is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

The role of Ken Barlow in Coronation Street has in fact been played by Sean Connery for 50 years. Next Year Jodie Foster will take over the role.
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  #89  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:29
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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surveys suggest that at any one time, at least 50% of the worlds population are thinking quite hard about the word "trout". unfortunately due to information processing complications in the human brain, scientists have been unable to study this tendency. Dr. Tres Matters claims "the problem isn't that scientits are too stupid, its to do with how we think of trout. the path that trout takes through the canals of the ear or the vessels of the eye is easy enough to follow, but the problems begin once the concept hits the hypothalamus. many cells there are associated with kookiness. irritating as that is, once the trout gets there it seems to be divided in a complex manner subject to factors such as proximity to a banana peel, university education, and early exposure to the clangers. the only hope of eliminating the tendency to waste time on trout is to spend decades studying this behaviour in the lower mammals, such as over 500 breeds of rodents, and children."


dogs also meditate with above average intensity on this word, although some canine biologists assert that it may mean different things to different dogs. Dr Mike Alsatian once famously claimed that the meaning of trout is a universal, bred-in concept for all dogs, "like din dins". Many mutt-fancying boffins are reticent to back such claims after the controversy surrounding Professor Pat Bastard. In 1981 the wetnosed professor claimed to have found the word "walkies" encoded in a rottweiler's DNA, but it later transpired that he had put it there himself by looking down the wrong end of his microscope. Some biologists, who specialise in professors and old people, believe he may have forgotten he put it there - an innocent mistake.

professor bastard has spent the twilight years of his career programming labradors to remember things for old people, while trying to rediscover the lost password for his desktop, which he left in a spaniel in 1997, a puzzle he has taken to with good humour. speaking from his top secret laboratory, the professor said, "my wife is never done complaining about the amount of spaniels i chop up so i can check my emails. i cant remember where i left that spaniel, but like any dog lover, i'm just happy as long as i still have a lead to follow."
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  #90  
Old 11th January 2011, 11:32
Kevin Hodge Kevin Hodge is offline
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Default Re: tell lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by NRG.89
many storks went out of business when sex education was first introduced into the curriculum in 1983. The RSPB has since campaigned for the retraining of the stork workforce, to no avail.

many storks are seeking legal advice over their role in selling margerine. the first margerine was made by boiling old babies, but a logo based on this was deemed to have cannibalistic overtones, so the more subtle, stork-based approach was taken.
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