Is aiming too high a bad thing?

[tghe-retford]

This morning I remembered a little conversation that me and my mate had a few years ago after we picked up some computer components.

This example deals with women, but I think it could apply in other aspects of life, such as family and careers.

He suggested to me that I set my sights too high and that I should consider lowering my sights and go for (in his words) the more plump or the slightly uglier person rather than aim for more attractive women who have more competition (all this was said way before I gave up looking for a partner - see December 2006 thread).

Can aiming all the time and failing to meet your aspirations and aiming too high be just as negative, irrational and damaging as not aiming high but going for the comfortable ground as I am sure many people with SA feel comfortable with but feel miserable doing? And is there a middle ground in staying comfortable but aiming somewhere in life?

(As well, I hope this thread doesn't end up becoming a flame war on me like the last few have!)

[hardy]

I think that its ok to set your aim as high as you like .but I also think that many SA ers give up or get discouraged because they get dazzled by the high target that seems so far away . Forgetting that to get there needs many small targets on the way there that MUST be achieved first.

[pizza]

Personally I'd say don't even aim. By that I mean that every single relationship I've had has come not from me "going for something". It's just happened when I've been out, getting to know people without any "aim" in site of viewing them initially as a potential partner. As soon as I slip into that trap, you end up changing personalities I think and the real you doesn't come out as you've put too much at stake into the conversations etc.

I'd just go for getting to know people really well and just see what happens. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't have anything to offer mentally (imo), so you may as well get to know everyone you can on that level first. Some will become friends, some you won't have much connection with and will fall by the wayside, but when you're not looking one will grab you.

[mimosa_the_madness_mouse]

With regard to doing sa-beating things, yeah, I think breaking a big goal that may seem a bit unrealistic into a few smaller goals is prob the way to go, as then you still get to do it, but your're more likely to achieve the series of little ones than you are to achieve the great big one cold.

I think when you're talking about potential partners it's slightly different; I think if you go for someone that you don't actually find attractive, in a physical or intellectual sense, you're bound to feel disappointment and resentment later, and things will probably be horrible for all concerned...but that's just my opinion

Why do people suggest lowering your standards then say go for plump/fatter people who because certain individuals think they look ugly must have low standards and will go out with "ANYONE"?

That outlook annoys me as a bigger person! Should I lower my high standards and make do with some skin and bones over inflated egotystical git because they are willing so they can brag to their m8s "they got some"? Nope!

I wish people would see theres more to dating than just a shell, I tend to find the easier on the eye the more hollow the person! If because of build we are considered easy meat then ill turn full lesbian!

What happened to the inner person being the attractive quality, would people rather go for done up bimbos who use a trowel to put their slap on plus they are damn scary the morning after when its all over their face or they have took it off! Well whatever floats your boats but I just hate seeing that larger people are considered easy game to give you a leg up on the confidence ladder!

[Ross PK]

Well, I find the majority of women very appealing including the ones that your friend suggested you should go for, yet I still can't get one.

It kinda hurts when I hear other people say that because I'm thinking 'Yet I still wouldn't be able to get that sort of woman'. And I actually prefer curvy women too.

[Innervision]

Originally Posted by tghe-retford

This morning I remembered a little conversation that me and my mate had a few years ago after we picked up some computer components.

This example deals with women, but I think it could apply in other aspects of life, such as family and careers.

He suggested to me that I set my sights too high and that I should consider lowering my sights and go for (in his words) the more plump or the slightly uglier person rather than aim for more attractive women who have more competition (all this was said way before I gave up looking for a partner - see December 2006 thread).

Can aiming all the time and failing to meet your aspirations and aiming too high be just as negative, irrational and damaging as not aiming high but going for the comfortable ground as I am sure many people with SA feel comfortable with but feel miserable doing? And is there a middle ground in staying comfortable but aiming somewhere in life?

(As well, I hope this thread doesn't end up becoming a flame war on me like the last few have!)

I have a few problems with what your mate has said.

Firstly, I agee with Moody Mare in her post, but she's covered that aspect, so I'll cover another. Reading between the lines of what your mate has said I get this impression... There is some kind of notion, that I also see out there in life, that those who are "more plump*" or "slightly uglier*" are also going to be lacking in confidence and esteem, thus more likely to be less choosy and settle for less themselves. In other words - we have a better chance with them than a supposed 'stunner*' who has supposedly got bags of confidence and esteem, so will be more likely to reject us.

It all smacks of a person with poor self-esteem feeling the only option they have is to attract another person who we assume also has low self-esteem, because it is often assumed that the 'overweight' or supposedly 'less attractive' don't have much confidence and esteem either.

I'd suggest that although the above may be correct in some people, it is far from so in others.


Another issue I have with this is that what we aim for in life is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. The poorer we view ourselves, the lower our expectations become. My view is that if we continue to aim low in life (talking generally now, not about potential partners) we have sort of accepted our self-imposed limitations, and as such, are not really challenging them anymore.

I used to limit my aims to what I felt I was worthy of ... so you could say my aims in life were low. Just getting to the end of another day was something of a success. Now I've built up some estem I feel I'm worth more, so I aim higher. I actually want to do something with that day now.

My philosophy now is to aim to have your needs met. This applies to whatever area of our lives we are thinking about. To meet our needs we will often have to break through previous self-imposed limitations, so this will include aiming a little higher (or wider, you choose your own word) than we have done previously.

I think it pays to aim higher or wider than previously because this will promote growth and development rather than stagnation. Unless we aim higher and wider we are sort of accepting where we are now and thinking that is enough, even though we may not be that happy. That is fine if it truly is enough for us individually, but if not, we do have to aim a bit higher.

As far as relationships are concerned. I'm not sure it's such a good idea to aim towords those others we assume will have low confidence and esteem issues themselves, because all we are really saying is that because they may have low esteem they may just accept second best themselves by going out with me. To me, this is not flattering for either person in the equation.

Also, whilst on the point of looks and confidence. I had a long relationship with a woman who I considered 'looks perfect' from head to toe. An absolute gorgeous stunner. She also had the lowest confidence and esteem of anyone I have ever met in my 44 years of life. So, we really cannot judge a book by the cover.

My thoughts are to aim for realistic goals. When I say realistic I don't mean listen to what your SA is telling you. Will you marry a woman member of MENSA who won Ms World last year and the lottery the year before? Well maybe not. Can you find a partner who meets your needs, and you, personally, find extremely attractive? Absolutely no reason why not. Now in your SA mindset that might sound like aiming way too high, but it's not, it's just acknowledging what is realistically possible.


* Totally subjective descriptions, I know.

[jontyboyoh]

Apologies 4 not readin all replies, but.........Is aiming too low a bad thing?

[Gattaca]

Aim for the middle and there's more chance of hitting what you're shooting at

[Ross PK]

Originally Posted by jontyboyoh

Apologies 4 not readin all replies, but.........Is aiming too low a bad thing?

It is if you still get rejected like me. It doesn't exactly feel good.

[Holly]

I think the whole "needs" thing mentioned by Innerspace is what we should all be aiming at. I used to always go for (in my eyes)gorgeous blokes who would be interested in me initially but then lose interest as my insecurities started to show through. I suppose I was also pushing them away as I believed they were better than me, but also, they lacked a depth and a connection with me that I now know I'd need if I was ever to actually embark on anything "real". Also, I reckon subconsciously, I was going for these immature, gorgeous types because really, I knew deep down it would end in disaster - thus ensuring I never really got out of my comfort zone by having a "proper" relationship.

Now, I'm still eternally single, but have been on a few dates with blokes who I normally wouldn't be interested in ie. not gorgeous "pretty boy" indie types who wear the right shoes and have an air of arrogance about them. Instead, I know that if I'm ever going to meet anyone who's really right for me, I've got to stop attracting the wrong types and give other people more of a chance. (Ie. people I might not be instantly attracted to in a "wow"! sort of way).It's not lowering standards; more, realising that my previous methods of selecting the opposite sex were severely messed up.

On the other hand, giving people a chance to "grow" on you is different to "settling" for someone you're not attracted to. A relationship has to be based on attraction, or what's the point? It may be superficial to choose friends on an attractiveness basis, but come on, you're not going to want to get intimate with someone who you are about as attracted to as a dead fish.

Anyway, that's all my theorising on the subject; it remains to be seen whether I will be 70 odd years of age and still theorising on this whilst in the retirement home!

[Innervision]

A good post, and some excellent self-awareness there, holly.

[ShyDoll]

Originally Posted by hardy

I think that its ok to set your aim as high as you like .but I also think that many SA ers give up or get discouraged because they get dazzled by the high target that seems so far away . Forgetting that to get there needs many small targets on the way there that MUST be achieved first.

This is pretty much what i was going to post. Possibly with a =p at the end.

[hardy]

If youre talking about finding a partner (as this thread seems to have developed into) then I think some replies seem to suggest that you might need to set your sights lower and put up with a partner that doesn't match your ideal in many ways.
What i'm saying is different . i'm suggesting that there are many other possible forms of relationship that are worth having ranging all the way from slight aquaintanceships to intimate friendships. Possibly with many different people ( I am not implying dishonesty or deception). All these relationships add to your skills which then help you on the way to meeting the partner you really want. When you break it down this is how a none SAer lives there life .
He/she doen't live most of their life in virtual hermitage until one day they suddenly decide to pick a partner!
The SAEr has been living in enforced hermitage but the argument is just the same . the Saer will need to go through the same life steps to achieve his goals.

Ps. I like your method Pizza . It worked for me too. I think what youre saying is that you push your ultimate target to the back of your mind and so don't strive to hard to achieve it. All you need to do is to kind of drift gently in the right direction , not expecting much ,until one day you suddenly find youve arrived at your goal!

[bluebottle]

This is a very interesting thread. Generally, I think that you can set your goals as high as you like, as long as you know that it will take lots of small steps, and hence lots of patience and preserverance, to get to them. For example, I'd like to be SA free one day - but even if I change some little things like asking a shop assistant rather than silently checking shelves for what I want - this is already a big success and worth celebrating.

As far as relationships are concerned (I seem to keep posting about this topic today, but anyway) - I agree with every word Innervision has said. There's no such thing as an ultimately desirable partner for everyone, all of us have individual needs when it comes to finding a partner.

In the past I have looked for partners I - consciously or unconsciously - was able to feel 'superior' to in some ways. I thought that if I chose an equal partner or someone who had achieved more than me in every aspect of his life, I would be so insecure that I couldn't stand it. Turned out I was insecure anyway and didn't feel 'superior' at all in the end - instead, I felt just as inferior as I did in other aspects of my life. Next time I will definitely strive for equality which I believe is the only acceptable way of having and maintaining a relationship.

[Pal]

Is aiming too high a bad thing?

Like **** is it.

Everybody needs to aim high in life anyway and who says we should have to aim low.

The same concept applys to women, i honestly believe their is no such thing as "out of your leage". Just different levels of difficulty.