Wondering if anyone can relate

[Womble]

Hi there, so I'm not a new member to this site, although alot has changed since I last posted here. Back then (about 2007-2008) I was abit numb emotionally, but still quite socially anxious. Things aren't really like that anymore...Sort of...

Basically last year I decided to start studying music seriously. Things are going great and I've done alot of gigs and met some really nice people. What I didn't really expect is that though I have no problem performing, I still get quite anxious around people outside of a musical setting. It just seems abit odd to me. For instance, about 3 weeks ago I played in front of about 450-500 people with my band, yet outside of performing I'm just as quiet and introverted as ever. I suppose I just wanted to see if anyone else can relate in someway though really.

[Ronnie_Pickering]

Could be quite normal. Maybe there's quiet and introverted drummers and stuff. Freddie Mercury was meant to be shy away from on stage.

[Womble]

It's funny you should say that, besides being a drummer myself, I've noticed that the majority of drummers I know are similar in this respect. Not really sure why this is so. The disparity between our on stage self and private self is interesting (albeit somewhat frustrating).

[Aelwyn]

I think maybe it's something to do with having a definite role. For a short while I taught English to some foreign students, after initial nervousness I was OK, but I was never relaxed sitting around chatting to other teachers in the staff room.

[Mr. Nobody]

I have noticed this in my workplace setting,
chatting to colleagues about work, I have almost no SA
but, if it's a casual, non-work environment, I become very quiet and out of my depth,
I just find social cues very hard to read and have very little to say, it seems

I never noticed this before I looked into SA,
but in the distant past I would tend to pick something and just totally hone in on it and make it my 'thing',.
but, take me out of that subject and I'm a bit lost,
I was totally into all things Jim Hendrix,.. then it was mushroom trips, then it was Art, then photography, then guitar,...
but, just being in a commonplace chat about life in general, and I am pretty much mute and have almost nothing to say for myself.

to me, it's a classic symptom of being on the autistic spectrum,. you're basically having to guess social interaction cues and approach something that is usually spontaneous at an almost military level of planning.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

I don't think this is uncommon. I know a lead singer who is extremely charismatic and assured on stage but tells me he is full of anxiety off it. I think, sometimes, people can step out of their anxiety and into a different role they are good at and confident in.

[flumpsy]

Could it relate to confidence in what you are doing at the time ? You have confidence in what you are doing on stage so you aren't questioning yourself or your performance, your brain is letting you focus and just get on with it. When it comes to general interactions you may be lacking in confidence perhaps so you are tentative and tend to avoid it perhaps, just a thought.

I am the opposite, with people although I tend to avoid it I am pretty ok really, I appear confident (through practice) and quite friendly. The thought of playing in front of anybody is truly scary for me, to the point that I just dont. I managed to play a tiny bit for a partner after over a year of knowing her and she was in the other room busy. I considered that as an achievement !

[BigD]

Can certainly relate. I have done lectures both at work and outside, on topics that interest me, with no anxiety other than 'will the technology work'. Can lecture happily for an hour without notes - no issues at all.
But - sometimes the organisers (especially if I have travelled) feel obliged to take me out or to their homes for a meal. This sort of social interaction freaks me completely and is the main reason I stopped lectures outside of work a couple of years back.

[Aelwyn]

Originally Posted by Carbon(cycle)Fodder

to me, it's a classic symptom of being on the autistic spectrum,. you're basically having to guess social interaction cues and approach something that is usually spontaneous at an almost military level of planning.

True, but I'm not on the autistic spectrum, I mean this happens to others with SA as well. It's not that I don't pick up on social cues, it's just that I feel much more exposed and unsure of myself when "being myself" in a group of people.

[Womble]

As frustrating as it is for people, I'm glad you guys can relate. I agree with both Aelwyn and Laird. Whether it's music or not, if I've got a clear objective, I don't get nervous. Like at all and I'm more then happy to take charge if it looks as though I can benefit the group doing so. Just a thought, but I suppose the lack of any defined objective in casual settings is what makes it difficult sometimes.

I'm not sure I agree with this being an indicator of autistic tendencies though. My brother is autistic, as are a few of my relatives and whilst I certainly can't speak for all autistics, from what I've seen this problem is far from exclusive to them alone (this thread and the people here being proof of that).

I can relate aswell Aelwyn. When you all have a role and a purpose, they act as a shield of sorts. Without it, you feel somewhat naked.

[flumpsy]

^ how would you be in a casual jam type thing with people you dont know where you have no real plan for what each person is going to play ? Just out of interest. And for the other side of the coin, how would you be in a theatre type situation where you are around people and reading lines you have previously learnt ?

[Womble]

During jams, whether it's with friends or strangers, I don't get nervous either. The reason I'm guessing, is because I tend not to think when jamming. I feel my way through musically instead.

It's interesting you bring up theatre, whilst I'm by no means an actor, I have acted in a few projects for friends and relatives. One required a fairly lengthy dialog scene, the lines of which I had to memorize extensively for. Again, I didn't get nervous whilst acting oddly enough. Not sure I could say the same if it was performed in front of a large audience, although admittedly I'm good at speaking publicly so perhaps, perhaps not.

I'm curious though, what instrument do you play Laird and how are you in jam settings?

[flumpsy]

^ I wouldn't want to encourage you to think too hard about the side that you are fine with, honestly I feel like a whole area of life is removed by the fact I simply cannot play music with other people and rarely in front of other people. Don't question it or think to hard about that side of it

When I tried to sing happy birthday to a partner with her excited toddler while I played on the keyboard I was genuinely ashamed by the result. No voice came out put it that way

I don't really have any idea how to interpret your answers as it is really rather different from me but it suggests confidence issues are the root. If you have lines to read or speaking about something you are sure about then its fine, when you are left to mingle or expected to do something on the fly socially the problems start. I am fine at that part but anything that require preparation or confidence in my ability I fall apart !!

[Womble]

I agree, confidence is clearly a major part of the disparity. I can only assume that the same analytical/critical approach I take that benefits me when working on a project, ultimately stymies my ability to communicate in casual settings.

I can relate though to your difficulty in playing with and for others. Earlier on, when I was less skilled, I'd feel somewhat inadequate musically speaking. Consistent practice alleviates this though as you become more sure of yourself and your abilities. Try not to be put off by a bad performance though, many people would feel too anxious to even try, so the fact that you tried, regardless of how it turned out, is commendable.

[flumpsy]

Originally Posted by Womble

I agree, confidence is clearly a major part of the disparity. I can only assume that the same analytical/critical approach I take that benefits me when working on a project, ultimately stymies my ability to communicate in casual settings.

I can relate though to your difficulty in playing with and for others. Earlier on, when I was less skilled, I'd feel somewhat inadequate musically speaking. Consistent practice alleviates this though as you become more sure of yourself and your abilities. Try not to be put off by a bad performance though, many people would feel too anxious to even try, so the fact that you tried, regardless of how it turned out, is commendable.

Hehehe, no offence taken

I know what you mean but I have no idea if it is my ability, I think I am massively overly critical of myself and because of that I am constantly putting way too much pressure on myself even just singing along to happy birthday, its crazy I know. When alone I feel I am perfectly good but still not good enough to be heard. I am different depending on what instrument it is, that I find really odd. I play guitar and synth/keyboard and guitar is 10 times worse than keyboard for me even though I think in other peoples eyes I am better at guitar because they dont know what half the synths knobs do anyway

For me, on guitar or even just singing casually I am so critical that it gets in the way real time. I am checking what I am doing and what I have just done that it effects what I am about to do, or it feels like that anyway. I very rarely get that when chatting to people. I over think stuff but while I am actually talking I rarely get caught up in whether I am doing ok or not. That only happens in the gaps or afterwards.

[Womble]

Lol, sorry, didn't mean to come off as condescending or insulting mate. It's pretty interesting that the problems we experience are mirror opposites. All I can say though, is that the more you jam and/or perform with people, the easier it gets and I suspect you'd say the same about casual interactions too.

[flumpsy]

^ you didnt, sorry I play on peoples minor post hiccups for humour, I wasnt insulted at all.

Yeah I had to play in front of people back when I was 15 to get my GCSE I am now forty erm something and havent played with anybody since and rarely even to anybody unless I am so drunk I cant really play. I have trouble even recording myself. This has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. SA in terms of social interactions has been relatively recent for me, it was always there but never extreme enough to be considered a disorder until my 30s.

[Womble]

Well, as unlikely as it is, if we ever jammed, know that I'd never judge

[flumpsy]

I would judge myself though but all the same I expect it would be fun and worthwhile, fictionally.

My best mate is a drummer and next one down mate-wise is a, well , hard to explain, musical genius ?

I have played with them once as a bongo hitter (not player but hitter).

[Coffee]

Only read the original post but I would say this is quite common.

Maybe something about performing depersonalises things. Maybe really knowing you are competent at it means your confidence is less dependent on outside factors.

Either way you can very probably learn from it and translate it elsewhere in life if you want.