Not sure what my motivation is

[Sunrise]

Motivation for living basically. I genuinely feel like I work hard every day, but I don't know why as I don't know what the end goal is anymore.

Every day feels like a challenge that I have to face head on, but I don't get any enjoyment out of it. It's a battle that never ends, there's never any victory or defeat, it's just a battle, but it's been going on for so long I don't know what the purpose of it is anymore. I'm not sure what I'm fighting for but I'm still fighting.

I don't really get much enjoyment out of anything. Frankly I'm not a very nice person who has a terrible relationship with others. I'm what people these days call a "toxic person". I don't do it deliberately and I don't get any pleasure out of upsetting people, but I also seem to find it very difficult to behave otherwise. I don't mix well with others and am pretty much despised by most of my friends. That doesn't give me any joy or confidence.

I feel like I try my best to navigate my way through life, but I'm not doing a very good job of it. I think I got to this stage due to years of mistakes and negative experiences. I wish I could come back from it but I'm not sure I have it in me now. I don't suffer from depression or anything like that, but I'm a very dysfunctional person.

I wonder how you get back to the stage where you can aim for things. For me it's not really an sa issue or about avoiding things etc anymore. If you avoid something it means you want to do it but feel you can't. I don't avoid stuff but I've never been capable of doing anything more than the basics in life, and even then I struggle. My aim in life is basically to survive each day. Is that actually a really positive thing? If that's all I'm capable of then I guess I'm actually winning right now.

[waine]

Yes!

[Bored]

Yes you are winning, you are alive, a lot of people are not.

Does everyone you meet say you are a “toxic” person and not very nice or are you making assumptions and telling yourself you are not a nice person?

[Mr. Nobody]

Ive heard it said that people often take "living" as a given, an innate, everyday human experience
When what is actually happening could perhaps just be "existing "

So, I think the difference is more, are you living or actually only existing?

I think this basic assumption is probably common to lots of people,
I mean, it isn't necessarily an SA issue, it's very much a global human issue in all probability?

Living is very probably something like an art, like a dance, or a song you can participate in?
If you choose to remain apart, estranged from the dance, then you could feel like there is no purpose, no direction?

I imagine that not everyone is going to be living,
In fact, probably the majority of humanity will simply be 'existing '

But I'm sure everyone has the potential to live, rather than exist,

I'm no expert, but I'd imagine that really living might appear selfish from the outside, as I think it's about putting yourself first, your own happiness and self-discovery will be of paramount importance to you,..
It may make you look like you don't belong, like an outcast, as most people will only be existing, so you may look odd, different?

Someone who knows how to live will celebrate the little things, will try and make each day special in some way?
Someone who lives will be very creative too I'd imagine?

Maybe someone who values "living" over existing, won't allow themselves to compromise,.
I mean, they probably won't do something that goes against their nature, just because it gives security, like working in a job they dislike, so they can pay the bill's,
The desire for security and stability can diminish the human spirit of freedom,
So,..really living could lead to a lot of uncomfortable situations, but I think that person's spirit will not die, ..
Most people who have sought security have possibly also noticed that their adventurous spirit of freedom and discovery has diminished in return?

Could be that living is having the faith to believe in your own path, your own destiny,.. to put your own development on the path of self-discovery first, before everything else?
That's probably quite a scary, but brave way to live?

*haver waiver* ~ I always drink on a Friday, so this is merely a drunken monologue to myshelf.

[choirgirl]

^^^Yes, I read or watched something about how depression is your mind/body protecting you by getting you to rest, essentially. As for suicidality, I got out of that by emotionally shutting down to a degree. Now I should have got out of that sooner, dear lord, but it was what needed to happen at the time. Actually, I am now seeing patterns. I'm not good at getting out of survival mode!

^^^^^^ I think you are too hard on yourself, you've obviously worked hard to overcome your SA and keep on trucking. I don't know how to get out of survival mode. But I think it's hard to go through life without vitality, just getting by, trying to avoid too much unpleasantness. I think you have it in you. I think I'd start by looking at whatever you're avoiding.

[Sunrise]

If there's one thing I've learnt in life it's that you have to be constantly in survival mode. Life is brutal and unforgiving, it's a battle and you have to be up for the fight. If I wasn't constantly on the defensive I'd be eaten alive.

Maybe this isn't everyone's experience of life, but it's my experience and it's no less valid than anyone else's. This is the only way I know how to live. I need to live like this to survive. Someone with my personality, my history, it's the only option. I wouldn't last 10 seconds in the real world otherwise. I'm fighting everyday. Sometimes it feels like the whole world wants me to fail, but I run into battle everyday challenging all the obstacles thrown at me head on.

[Bored]

are you............ Batman? remember even superheroes need rest days

[waine]

. it's like why can't I just do what other people do daily living

[waine]

Getting out of bed out the house

[Sunrise]

I imagine it would feel pretty bleak and hopeless, it would feel like I was giving up. Using the fight analogy it would be like life was constantly giving me a good kicking but instead of fighting back I would just be taking the beating with meek acceptance.

Life always feels like a struggle. I feel like I can say by trying to fight back that at least I tried. I can't imagine living a life that wasn't a battle against the odds, because that's what the definition of life is. I can't comprehend thinking anything otherwise.

I find enjoyment in the little things whenever I can. Although for me that rarely involves other people.

[limey123]

I think life is a battleground for pretty much everyone, just in different ways. Whatever you most need to learn will probably be your main struggles. For those fortunate enough to be spared the pain (if that's truly possible), they probably aren't developing much or getting too far. Adversity is how we grow and learn.

"Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing."
–-Denis Waitley

[Sunrise]

I think my inability to develop is what holds me back. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results", as Einstein probably didn't actually say.

I'm someone who has just always really struggled with the basics in life. I find everything hard work and it takes a huge amount of effort for me to do the most simple of things. I'm constantly exhausted from trying to maintain my current simple existence. If I ever experienced real, genuine stress it would probably kill me.

[Orwell20]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

Motivation for living basically. I genuinely feel like I work hard every day, but I don't know why as I don't know what the end goal is anymore.

Every day feels like a challenge that I have to face head on, but I don't get any enjoyment out of it. It's a battle that never ends, there's never any victory or defeat, it's just a battle, but it's been going on for so long I don't know what the purpose of it is anymore. I'm not sure what I'm fighting for but I'm still fighting.

Could it be to do with ageing? I don't know how old you are Sunrise, but I've found that, since turning 40, nothing seems to matter anymore. Someone once said that the midlife crisis is the realization you're not going anywhere any more. When you're young, even if you're unhappy, you still feel that life is ahead of you and that what you do matters. People ask you the dreaded "so what do you want to do/be?" question. Beyond your late 20s, no one asks that any more. Now, at 40, no one gives a **** what I do. I feel like I'm treading water waiting for the end. Or like I've reached the top of the hill and am now sliding down the other side.

[Sunrise]

I'm 34, but I certainly don't feel like a young person. I look at least 10 years older than I actually am and have got a few physical health issues now. I imagine mental health issues and my general lifestyle has contributed to that. I've certainly become very cynical with age. As a young person I had all sorts of silly hopes, dreams and ambitions, but I could never get past the first hurdle with any of them. We live in a society these days obsessed with aspiration and achievement. I think as someone who has always struggled with living the simplest of lives I feel very disheartened by it all.

I am getting old. I definitely feel middle aged. These days I often feel like a dinosaur who's completely out of touch with the modern world. It's too fast paced for me. I need simplicity.