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  #1  
Old 20th November 2006, 15:21
TheOne TheOne is offline
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Post Relationships

I've finally managed to get myself a gf that I really like alot. But the thing is, I am so paranoid that she doesn't really love me.

It feels like a no win situation. I've been longing for this to happen, & now it has. I'm always finding something wrong with the relationship. Am I not grateful, or just plain messed up?

I keep thinking my gf is flirting with others, especially that she's very approachable & enjoys socialising alot. There are loads of guys after her, which makes me even more uncomfortable. I even think why the hell she's with me in the first place? She could do so much better than me.

I'm just wondering if many of u in relationships have a problem trusting your partner? I keep trying real hard, but things just come up in my mind that makes me think of possibilities of what she might be doing behind my back. I want to stop these paranoid thoughts.
  #2  
Old 20th November 2006, 15:31
AlienHeat AlienHeat is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

You have to take immediate steps to boost your self esteem. Prove your worth to yourself.

That will instantly crush any sense of paranoia.

You cannot 'think' your way out of this one -- you have to act or you'll end up glum.

Best wishes


AH....


....Bisto...
  #3  
Old 20th November 2006, 20:51
Prospero Prospero is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

I think a big part of dealing with those is knowing that it wouldn't be the end of the world if something was happening. If my girlfriend ever betrayed my trust I'd be bummed, but would also be able to move on. My self-esteem would be intact.
  #4  
Old 21st November 2006, 10:39
goodeone goodeone is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

The only way to find out if some one is worthy of your trust is to allow that person to be in situations were there loyalty to you may be tested. It may do your head in to think of her being with or giving attention to other guys. But what do you want her to do never leave the house alone? You are insecure because you do not really know her that well but if she goes of with the first guy she finds attractive well you are better off with out her. Talk to her about you concerns without acting like you suspect her if she really likes you she will pay attention. Relationships are difficult they are risky and you can get hurt but that is what makes them also worth having.
  #5  
Old 21st November 2006, 13:23
hardy hardy is offline
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its all about fear of humiliation and the knock to your confidence if she left . If she does .Its no big deal .( I know it feels bad!) . people break up all the time BECAUSE THEIR PERSONALITIES DONT MATCH. A break up signifies little about how great a person you are!
Dare to connect . Dont reject or "test" to avoid rejection!!
  #6  
Old 22nd November 2006, 01:32
Innervision Innervision is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheOne
I've finally managed to get myself a gf that I really like alot. But the thing is, I am so paranoid that she doesn't really love me.

It feels like a no win situation. I've been longing for this to happen, & now it has. I'm always finding something wrong with the relationship. Am I not grateful, or just plain messed up?

I keep thinking my gf is flirting with others, especially that she's very approachable & enjoys socialising alot. There are loads of guys after her, which makes me even more uncomfortable. I even think why the hell she's with me in the first place? She could do so much better than me.

I'm just wondering if many of u in relationships have a problem trusting your partner? I keep trying real hard, but things just come up in my mind that makes me think of possibilities of what she might be doing behind my back. I want to stop these paranoid thoughts.
I see a lot of people thinking that finding a partner will be the thing that makes everything in their lives all rosy all of a sudden. I'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but I've lost count of the times I've read such things on this site.

Thing is, relationships bring their own issues along with them, and are notorious for highlighting low self-esteem in people. Go into a relationship with poor esteem and paranoia can set in very quickly indeed. All sorts of jealousy can result too.

Despite my SA I've had lots of relationships, and yes, some were wracked by jealousy, paranoia and rampant, poor-esteem driven, insecurity.

I found the only way around this was to finally realise my own worth. As far as I'm concerned now, my current partner is with me because I'm a decent person and because she wants to be with me. She's lived all over the world and worked for the rich and famous too, so I could get paranoid if I had no self-esteem. Knowing my worth also means I know I never need be alone in my life ever again. I don't question why she loves me - I just trust that she does. If you feel worthy of love, you can accept love. If you don't - you can't.

Just be the best you can be, and if that's not enough for a person in your life now, it certainly will be for someone else. Your esteem and confidence should not be dependent on another person wanting you. It should be a self-contained part of you that is fed from within by your own self-acceptance and acknowledgement of your own worth.

The thing to always remember is that if she did fool around. If she was a cheat and messed around and betrayed your trust, it is SHE who is not worthy of YOU.

As others have said... work on your self-esteem and learn to see your own worth in life. Life is life, and millions of relationships flounder. Millions survive too. At least if you have your esteem intact you can deal with either scenario.

I wish you well.
  #7  
Old 23rd November 2006, 15:32
Poirot Poirot is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

"I see a lot of people thinking that finding a partner will be the thing that makes everything in their lives all rosy all of a sudden. I'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but I've lost count of the times I've read such things on this site.

Thing is, relationships bring their own issues along with them, and are notorious for highlighting low self-esteem in people. Go into a relationship with poor esteem and paranoia can set in very quickly indeed. All sorts of jealousy can result too."


And Iíve lost count on the times Iíve read well-meaning replies like this and it always upsets me. I could blow my horn and say: ďWell, you know, being able to do public speaking will not be thing that makes everything in your life rosy. I can do it but I still have SA.Ē Just because something is true for me doesnít make it true for others.

What does it mean having a partner? That I would never be unhappy? Does it mean Iím attractive? That I am a not a worthless failure?

Or does it mean that Iím able to open up for somebody else, that I have the guts to express my feelings and risk being hurt, that Iím daring to allow somebody else into my life and that I can give and take in a relationship with another person?

In fact all of those things Iím unable to do. Iím afraid and incapable of expressing how I feel and what I want Ö I am afraid of allowing people to see who I really am Ö I am afraid that if I act on whatever I want I will be turned down Ö To even consider myself as somebody who has girlfriends would be a complete change.

Maybe I should wish for other things. But I am a middle-aged man with a TV as my only companion, I come home to an empty flat and there's nobody there, the phone never rings and nobody misses me. I could die tomorrow and nobody would ever have known my thoughts, my dreams or my wishes. I am a middle-aged who just wants to experience love for the first time.

Does that make me naive? Well, I understand that without all the jealousy, anxiety, heartache, insecurity and other unpleasant things that come with a relationship there are no rewards. Because that's life - you take the pain in order to get the joy. I want to be a participant, not a spectator. I want to be able to say from my own experience that ďWell, relationships donít solve your problemsĒ. Because how can I know now? And how can you tell me what is good for me?
  #8  
Old 23rd November 2006, 16:33
hardy hardy is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

I think Inner is just warning against thinking a relationship will solve everything! hes not saying it isnt a good and desirable thing.
Don't worry that youre "middle aged " . You can start at any age .
  #9  
Old 23rd November 2006, 19:14
Innervision Innervision is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Poirot
"I see a lot of people thinking that finding a partner will be the thing that makes everything in their lives all rosy all of a sudden. I'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but I've lost count of the times I've read such things on this site.

Thing is, relationships bring their own issues along with them, and are notorious for highlighting low self-esteem in people. Go into a relationship with poor esteem and paranoia can set in very quickly indeed. All sorts of jealousy can result too."


And I’ve lost count on the times I’ve read well-meaning replies like this and it always upsets me. I could blow my horn and say: “Well, you know, being able to do public speaking will not be thing that makes everything in your life rosy. I can do it but I still have SA.” Just because something is true for me doesn’t make it true for others.

What does it mean having a partner? That I would never be unhappy? Does it mean I’m attractive? That I am a not a worthless failure?

Or does it mean that I’m able to open up for somebody else, that I have the guts to express my feelings and risk being hurt, that I’m daring to allow somebody else into my life and that I can give and take in a relationship with another person?

In fact all of those things I’m unable to do. I’m afraid and incapable of expressing how I feel and what I want … I am afraid of allowing people to see who I really am … I am afraid that if I act on whatever I want I will be turned down … To even consider myself as somebody who has girlfriends would be a complete change.

Maybe I should wish for other things. But I am a middle-aged man with a TV as my only companion, I come home to an empty flat and there's nobody there, the phone never rings and nobody misses me. I could die tomorrow and nobody would ever have known my thoughts, my dreams or my wishes. I am a middle-aged who just wants to experience love for the first time.

Does that make me naive? Well, I understand that without all the jealousy, anxiety, heartache, insecurity and other unpleasant things that come with a relationship there are no rewards. Because that's life - you take the pain in order to get the joy. I want to be a participant, not a spectator. I want to be able to say from my own experience that “Well, relationships don’t solve your problems”. Because how can I know now? And how can you tell me what is good for me?
Hi Poirot,

You totally misunderstand me. I'm not in the business of telling anyone what is, or isn't, good for them. Only the individual concerned can ever know what is best for them.

My words weren't meant to be 'well-meaning advice' either. They were more a simple reflection of what is fact for many people. Facts are that many people do actually think gaining a relationship is the answer to everything. Sadly, they have unrealistic expectations and often get disappointed as a result.

This thinking is also often based in very poor self-esteem. It assumes that another person can come into our lives and just give us all the things we feel we do not have. This is not healthy really. To see things that way is to give others in life all the responsibility for our happiness. This is a hell of a lot to be needing another person to provide, and is an immense pressure on them. Some people feel that a relationship validates them as human beings, but what happens to those who find a relationship and still feel like crap in themselves? Fact is, unless we feel good about who and what we are, we are forever chasing approval and validation from others. This is unhealthy in the extreme.

My post mentioned people who see a relationship as the answer to everything. I would never in a million years suggest that wanting a relationship is undesirable though. How could I when I've been in relationships almost solidly since I was 15, and I'm 44 now. In that time I've experienced all the joys of relationships, but also obsessive and possessive jealousy, female on male domestic violence, anger, insecurity and more besides. I totally agree with you - these are part of life and I don't regret a single minute of all my relationship experiences.

We have to forge our own relationships and decide for ourselves what we make of the experience. On that, we totally agree.
My point in my other post still stands up though, because there are people who think relationships solve everything, and it is certainly true that if a person has deep-seated issues with confidence and esteem, a relationship will tend to bring them to the surface because of the trust issues involved.

The Christmas period alone is extremely testing for people with esteem and confidence issues because what happens when a partner wants to be out socialising and attending works parties etc? This period of the year brings to a head all sorts of trust/insecurity/confidence and esteem issues between partners. Just today I was talking to a woman who has this very issue in her own relationship year on year.

Anyhow, all I am saying is relationships can be wonderful. For me I'm never happier than when in a relationship - even when it is not such a good one. I'd be living in cloud cuckoo-land if I thought that a relationship solved all my problems though. In fact, many of them just added to my issues. My comments were aimed towards those who do think a relationship solves everything and brings with it ready-made confidence and esteem. Fact is, they don't, so saying so was accurate, if not such a nice thing to hear for some.

My attitude is to go for love if that is what you desire. Don't let anything hold you back. I don't believe that there is a single person on this site who catagorically cannot find, and maintain, a relationship. I just think it a big mistake to think a relationship solves everything. In the years I've been on this site, there have been many who have said they believe a relationship would somehow make everything right and they'd feel ok about themselves as a result. Reality doesn't quite work like that for 99.9% of us though, so I don't see the harm in saying that.

Hardy said in two lines what I've tried to say in this post.
I think the rest of my other post - the bits you didn't highlight - point to me attempting to empower the individual in a relationship so they get the most out of it, rather than dis-empower them by suggesting that it is only others - in the shape of a relationship - that can make us feel good about ourselves

So yes; relationships can be fabulous, but they are not the answer to everything. That was just a small part of what my other post was saying.
  #10  
Old 1st December 2006, 21:38
swangirl swangirl is offline
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Default Re: Relationships

This is a really useful thread. I have had these exact problems. I was hurt very badly in a past relationship and as a result find it very difficult to trust men. I am in a long term relationship now, and a couple of months ago I nearly lost it over lack of trust and paranoia. My partner got fed up with having to constantly reassure me, and we ended up argueing all of the time.

Amongst other things I have been working on my own self-esteem and confidence in my own ability. I have tried to concentrate on myself more instead of worrying about what others might think or are up to in life. So far so good!

I have learnt to let go and never let past experiences interfere with the future, because nobody ever knows what might happen in life.....if you don't let go, you will never know!

Life is too short!
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