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  #31  
Old 25th May 2012, 22:25
GhostOnMagneticTape GhostOnMagneticTape is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

It's only because people allow it to be out of conditioning and conformity. People are afraid of change... I just find the logic baffling along the lines of "I'm a woman, please come and pester me for sex and/or a relationship".

I may loose the experience of a relationship because I'm reluctant nowadays to make the effort but maybe I find gains in other areas of my life.

Relationships are no fairy tale story either, why do so many relationships end up horribly wrong with people (especially children) suffering?

Edit - http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk...n-7786185.html

Quote:
Nearly half of young women in London were sexually harassed in public last year, with many forced to endure unwanted male attention on buses and trains, a new study shows.
I wonder is that "half of young women" who are deemed attractive and up for "it"?

Quote:
Lisa, Bath
"It seems quite minor, but for me it really summed up how some men are such knobs sometimes. I was walking across [town]. A guy shouted 'hello' at me, I ignored him and carried on walking. He then shouted 'what, not good enough for you? It really angered me that he turned his douchebaggery round on me. Suddenly, in his mind, he's not an ass for shouting at me, it's that I'm a bitch because I ignored him. So typical.
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  #32  
Old 25th May 2012, 22:41
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

I'm 40 now and never had what I'd call a real first hand relationship, however for the past few months I've been in a pretty intense online relationship with a woman in the USA. I'm actually going over there to visit her in a couple of weeks, it's a bit of a risk I know but I'm prepared to take it and if nothing else I'll hopefully get a nice holiday and not end up in pieces in her refrigerator, "lol".
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  #33  
Old 25th May 2012, 22:42
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlienBuddha
It's only because people allow it to be out of conditioning and conformity. People are afraid of change...

I may loose the experience of a relationship because I'm reluctant nowadays to make the effort but maybe I find gains in other areas of my life.

Relationships are no fairy tale story either, why do so many relationships end up horribly wrong with people (especially children) suffering?
Or it is it because you fear making those changes or perhaps you fear rejection even more?

Anyone who's ever been in a relationship will know it's not all a bed of roses. I can only speak for myself but some of the lowest points in my life have been as the result of relationships, but more importantly some of the best too.
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  #34  
Old 25th May 2012, 22:46
Defiance Defiance is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr~Spaceman
I'm 40 now and never had what I'd call a real first hand relationship, however for the past few months I've been in a pretty intense online relationship with a woman in the USA. I'm actually going over there to visit her in a couple of weeks, it's a bit of a risk I know but I'm prepared to take it and if nothing else I'll hopefully get a nice holiday and not end up in pieces in her refrigerator, "lol".



you better pray to god this girl does not flake


but seriously. good luck with it though. hope it works out. i hope you are just as compatible ofline as you are online.
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  #35  
Old 25th May 2012, 22:59
Johnni Johnni is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlienBuddha
I may loose the experience of a relationship because I'm reluctant nowadays to make the effort but maybe I find gains in other areas of my life.
Like what?
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  #36  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:02
GhostOnMagneticTape GhostOnMagneticTape is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Thought it would be obvious but such as travelling, friendships, independence, freedom. We are conditioned that "relationships" are everything and the only thing we need.

I'm sure some people have had fulfilling and enlightening lives with out relationships.
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  #37  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:12
GhostOnMagneticTape GhostOnMagneticTape is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cynic
What if none of them are available either? One won't find a relationship without at least certain amount of the above.
I feel it's ultimately down to the individual to define and create his or her life, to make opportunities happen (other than seeking relationships).

How do you equate having a relationship leads to travelling, friendships, independence and freedom? If I'm understanding the point you made above correctly.
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  #38  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:21
Mr. Spaceman Mr. Spaceman is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Defiance

but seriously. good luck with it though. hope it works out. i hope you are just as compatible ofline as you are online.
Thanks for that. I've been very honest about myself, about my social anxiety and that. She has SA too but not as bad as me. She is pretty infatuated with me and it does worry me that I'll be a disappointment in real life but we'll see.
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  #39  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:24
Johnni Johnni is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlienBuddha
Thought it would be obvious but such as travelling, friendships, independence, freedom. We are conditioned that "relationships" are everything and the only thing we need.
By suggesting you may gain in other areas of life it seem to suggest that those things you quoted would kinda benefit from not seeking out a relationship but im not sure they will. You can still have independance & freedom if you have a partner along with the other stuff.

I think you are reading into too much in that you for some reason kinda feel forced or be told what to do but tbh i dont think we are 'conditioned' that relationships are everything. Its just that people want them cos of what they can bring us. Maybe it's fear of rejection as Diplo said that stops you rather than the reason you state maybe, like a defense mechanism. I've done the same also but use other things to put it off, its probably quite common for SA ppl.
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  #40  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:26
Johnni Johnni is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr~Spaceman
Thanks for that. I've been very honest about myself, about my social anxiety and that. She has SA too but not as bad as me. She is pretty infatuated with me and it does worry me that I'll be a disappointment in real life but we'll see.
Good luck.
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  #41  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:28
cogent cogent is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr~Spaceman
Thanks for that. I've been very honest about myself, about my social anxiety and that. She has SA too but not as bad as me. She is pretty infatuated with me and it does worry me that I'll be a disappointment in real life but we'll see.
In 1999, I did what you're about to do.
I met the most wonderful woman I've ever known, we lasted until 2007, I moved to Toronto for a few years but the weather was just too extreme and I was having CH every single day, made life unbearable so I had to come back.
We are still the best of friends and will continue to be.
I wish you all the very best, it can work and I hope it does for you.
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  #42  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:47
kingandduck kingandduck is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

So if I make a move on this certain woman I talked about on page 2 and we start dating etc.. What do I do when she asks about my friends or asks me why I am not going out this Saturday night?

I say "oh, I don't really have any close friends."

And what, she'll say "oh that's okay, that's totally not going to send alarm bells off in my head"..

LOL. There is just not a way around that and that's why I never get anything other than crappy one nighters.

Just not point going through the pain.
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  #43  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:48
Johnni Johnni is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kingandduck
So if I make a move on this certain woman I talked about on page 2 and we start dating etc.. What do I do when she asks about my friends or asks me why I am not going out this Saturday night?

I say "oh, I don't really have any close friends."

And what, she'll say "oh that's okay, that's totally not going to send alarm bells off in my head"..
I wonder this aswell, not just relationships but friends also that i may make in the future. Actually has happened with friends in the past and got awkward.
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  #44  
Old 25th May 2012, 23:51
cogent cogent is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Friends aren't a status symbol, they're optional too...
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  #45  
Old 26th May 2012, 00:02
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kingandduck
So if I make a move on this certain woman I talked about on page 2 and we start dating etc.. What do I do when she asks about my friends or asks me why I am not going out this Saturday night?

I say "oh, I don't really have any close friends."

And what, she'll say "oh that's okay, that's totally not going to send alarm bells off in my head"..

LOL. There is just not a way around that and that's why I never get anything other than crappy one nighters.

Just not point going through the pain.
Why not just skirt the issue until you two get closer together? You aren't lying, you are just giving this thing a chance. If something blossoms between you, then you can start opening up. There isn't any need to dump all your baggage on someone at once. I doubt she is going to ask such a direct question or even if she does ask that very question it probably won't be as you fear and more just a ritual question rather than an interrogation type question. Hell make a joke of it! Then you don't even have to answer. Just say you're washing your hair or something....
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  #46  
Old 26th May 2012, 00:07
cogent cogent is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

^
All good advice and if you really want friends, you have loads of them on here, just say you're having a natter with your mates. I'm quite sure you wouldn't be the first to do that...
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  #47  
Old 26th May 2012, 03:30
GhostOnMagneticTape GhostOnMagneticTape is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnni
By suggesting you may gain in other areas of life it seem to suggest that those things you quoted would kinda benefit from not seeking out a relationship but im not sure they will. You can still have independance & freedom if you have a partner along with the other stuff.

I think you are reading into too much in that you for some reason kinda feel forced or be told what to do but tbh i dont think we are 'conditioned' that relationships are everything. Its just that people want them cos of what they can bring us. Maybe it's fear of rejection as Diplo said that stops you rather than the reason you state maybe, like a defense mechanism. I've done the same also but use other things to put it off, its probably quite common for SA ppl.
Yes, I don't deny the fear of rejection comes into the equation influencing my perceptions of relationships and of the traditional obligation that men do the chasing. I just merely have a problem with the gender rule of men chasing after women, it's so very one sided, cringe worthy and unrealistic to me which I contribute to one of the reasons for relationship and marriage break downs in today's society. I just think men should consider toning down the creepiness and desperation of chasing after women and women consider stopping this petty submissiveness of standing demurely on a pedestal waiting for Mr A-hole to woo and charm them.

As I said before, I just find some men's logic baffling along the lines of towards women as "I'm a woman, please come and pester me for sex and/or a relationship in public". Sexual harassment towards women has always been a problem and seemingly is on the increase... I'm just (feebly) trying to advocate a fine balance between the sexes when it comes to indicating an interest in one another.
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  #48  
Old 26th May 2012, 10:16
davehedgehog
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by diplodocus
Why not just skirt the issue until you two get closer together? You aren't lying, you are just giving this thing a chance. If something blossoms between you, then you can start opening up. There isn't any need to dump all your baggage on someone at once. I doubt she is going to ask such a direct question or even if she does ask that very question it probably won't be as you fear and more just a ritual question rather than an interrogation type question. Hell make a joke of it! Then you don't even have to answer. Just say you're washing your hair or something....
i've never understood why so many men are embarrassed or try to hide the fact that they aren't very sociable. i've always been up front when i've met a new girlfriend and come straight out with it i've got my own interests and they don't include getting pissed or going to pubs or clubs so you'll have to deal with it if you've got a lot of friends great but don't expect me to jump up and down with excitement at the thought of meeting all of them.

something i've noticed looking on pof is a large number of girls profiles state that they want some one sociable, now why would they be stating this? could it be because the last bloke they went out with wasn't that fussed on socialising either? could it be that it isn't just sa blokes that can't be arsed with being overly sociable?
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  #49  
Old 26th May 2012, 15:26
Ben1981 Ben1981 is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Not fully given up yet but losing more and more hope with every passing year that Ill meet someone. Im constantly sending out messages on pof and other dating sites Im on but rarely get a response and those that do message back usually fade pretty quickly. The main problem is Im not the most impressive guy to look at and dont immediately open up to someone when meeting new people which are important ingredients in the dating world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobazaw
i've never understood why so many men are embarrassed or try to hide the fact that they aren't very sociable. i've always been up front when i've met a new girlfriend and come straight out with it i've got my own interests and they don't include getting pissed or going to pubs or clubs so you'll have to deal with it if you've got a lot of friends great but don't expect me to jump up and down with excitement at the thought of meeting all of them.

something i've noticed looking on pof is a large number of girls profiles state that they want some one sociable, now why would they be stating this? could it be because the last bloke they went out with wasn't that fussed on socialising either? could it be that it isn't just sa blokes that can't be arsed with being overly sociable?
Theres a lot more to it than a lack of friends. Of which Im lucky to have a couple thanks largely to this site. The main problem is explaining why theres so many blank spots in my teens/early twenties where nothing of any note happened in my life due to anxiety problems. These are times when most people will be havint their fun carefree years yet mine only began these last few years. Also I bet theres very few girls out there who wouldnt run a mile once they found out Im on medication which isnt something many will be understanding about.

Regarding girls wanting someone sociable its likely they want someone to do all the work for them in the relationship like come up with ideas for places to go and things to together cos theyre too bone idle to come up with their own ideas. Ive already been in one relationship where my gf pretty much took a backseat and expected me to keep the relationship ticking over. The next potential partner (should I be lucky enough to meet another) Will have to be a bit more forward with her own ideas cos I refuse to go through all that again.
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  #50  
Old 26th May 2012, 17:06
Only_human Only_human is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

I think girl's think they want this outgoing, social butterfly but actually quite a lot, deep down, would like someone who while is happy to go out with them when they want, is quite happy to stay at home a lot of the time and they don't have to worry about going off clubbing alone and getting drunk and encouraged by their mates to stray etc. But saying you want someone who's not outgoing, just makes you sound like a bunny boiler so they end up being like cattle and putting the obvious traits everyone suppoedly likes in people.
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  #51  
Old 26th May 2012, 17:10
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobazaw
i've never understood why so many men are embarrassed or try to hide the fact that they aren't very sociable. i've always been up front when i've met a new girlfriend and come straight out with it i've got my own interests and they don't include getting pissed or going to pubs or clubs so you'll have to deal with it if you've got a lot of friends great but don't expect me to jump up and down with excitement at the thought of meeting all of them.
Well for me at least with the type of people I've dated they've all been in to these activities and so have I, so maybe they'd find it more of a big deal or unusual in my particular circumstances, hence my suggestions.
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  #52  
Old 26th May 2012, 17:18
diplodocus diplodocus is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlienBuddha
I just think men should consider toning down the creepiness and desperation of chasing after women and women consider stopping this petty submissiveness of standing demurely on a pedestal waiting for Mr A-hole to woo and charm them.

As I said before, I just find some men's logic baffling along the lines of towards women as "I'm a woman, please come and pester me for sex and/or a relationship in public". Sexual harassment towards women has always been a problem and seemingly is on the increase... I'm just (feebly) trying to advocate a fine balance between the sexes when it comes to indicating an interest in one another.
Honestly Rob I think you need to have a good hard look at some of your beliefs here! You've in one fell swoop denigrated a huge swath of men as creepy sexual harassers and women as submissive wallflowers who only like dickheads.

Approaching people of the opposite sex that you find attractive doesn't have to be creepy or desperate, in fact that type of approach is the exact opposite of what works! Some use the pester approach, and it may work for them with some women but on the whole they are the ones losing out. And women believe or not don't want someone who acts like an A-hole as you put it and puts them on a pedestal. There are a few like that but many more who aren't.
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  #53  
Old 26th May 2012, 17:19
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

^ i think what i was trying to say in my usual arse about tit way is "out there there is someone for everyone so you shouldn't have to hide who you are" it'll only come back and bite you in the arse later on.
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  #54  
Old 26th May 2012, 18:47
Defiance Defiance is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlienBuddha
I just think men should consider toning down the creepiness and desperation of chasing after women and women consider stopping this petty submissiveness of standing demurely on a pedestal waiting for Mr A-hole to woo and charm them.

As I said before, I just find some men's logic baffling along the lines of towards women as "I'm a woman, please come and pester me for sex and/or a relationship in public". Sexual harassment towards women has always been a problem and seemingly is on the increase... I'm just (feebly) trying to advocate a fine balance between the sexes when it comes to indicating an interest in one another.


Quote:
Originally Posted by diplodocus
Honestly Rob I think you need to have a good hard look at some of your beliefs here! You've in one fell swoop denigrated a huge swath of men as creepy sexual harassers





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  #55  
Old 26th May 2012, 18:51
humourlessness humourlessness is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

I've given up on making a close friend besides my partner. It's a worry if my partner suddenly vanishes.
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  #56  
Old 26th May 2012, 19:08
kingandduck kingandduck is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by humourlessness
I've given up on making a close friend besides my partner. It's a worry if my partner suddenly vanishes.
Quick, get on one knee!

(Joke).
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  #57  
Old 26th May 2012, 19:09
-Simon- -Simon- is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Not so much 'given up' as come to the realisation that being single is preferable.
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  #58  
Old 26th May 2012, 19:37
kingandduck kingandduck is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by diplodocus
Why not just skirt the issue until you two get closer together? You aren't lying, you are just giving this thing a chance. If something blossoms between you, then you can start opening up. There isn't any need to dump all your baggage on someone at once. I doubt she is going to ask such a direct question or even if she does ask that very question it probably won't be as you fear and more just a ritual question rather than an interrogation type question. Hell make a joke of it! Then you don't even have to answer. Just say you're washing your hair or something....
I dunno. It's just so awkward when it becomes obvious you don't do much. There's way too much competition out there, so why would a girl go for a quite socially awkward guy when she could have an outgoing guy to show her the time of her life?..

It probably doesn't help that the girls I'm attracted to are always really popular and sociable.
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  #59  
Old 26th May 2012, 19:38
Progress Progress is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobazaw
i've never understood why so many men are embarrassed or try to hide the fact that they aren't very sociable. i've always been up front when i've met a new girlfriend and come straight out with it
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobazaw
"out there there is someone for everyone so you shouldn't have to hide who you are" it'll only come back and bite you in the arse later on.
Sound like great advice to me.
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  #60  
Old 26th May 2012, 19:42
kingandduck kingandduck is offline
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Default Re: Relationships - anyone given up?

I don't think you can hide the fact that you aren't very sociable. I mean as soon as someone gets to know you, it becomes obvious, right?
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