My Son has turned on me

[Andist]

Until my Son was 11 yrs old, he stayed with me at least two nights a week, usually three. We did all the stuff you do like going to the park and woods, museums, ice skating, etc. we watched thousands of cartoons and played so many computer games I lose count. I picked him up from nursery/school so that he could stay with me for either one or two days in the week aswell as two nights at the weekend. I could go on but when he was about 11, his mother moved 150 miles away to a place which is remote, very hard to get to and I have nowhere to stay there but I went up a few times a year and payed for his train fare to visit me. A few months ago he decided that I have actually never done anything for him, ever.
Despite the fact that I have family and friends who witnessed how much effort I put in, he will not be swayed in his belief that I was completely absent. One of my reasons for posting this on SAUK is that my Son told me, just before deciding that he never wants to see me again, he told me that he had been diagnosed with SA: Has anyone who posts here ever felt like this about one of their parents and have they subsequently realized that, with hindsight, they were giving a parent a really hard time and that it was unwarranted?
I doubt it but I am seriously confused

[Dougella]

At some points I did get very angry towards the parent I didn't live with, for may reasons and I felt that I couldn't express anger towards the parent I did live with. It's taken me well into my twenties to really understand my parents!

Has your son given any specific examples of how he feels you haven't been there for him?

Also how is everything in the rest of his life? Moving such a long distance away is a pretty big change, is he coping ok with it and going to a new school etc? If he has SA he could be struggling.

[Andist]

The problem is that he will not be specific about what he feels I should have done and just says that I did nothing at all for him, which is just not how things were. He seems to have his mother on side. I have only communicated with her once regarding this and she says that she thinks that he is entirely justified in the way he feels but when I ask her why she used to leave him in my care, she sidesteps the question by just telling me how useless I was. Another thing is that anytime he ever missed his mum, I would always call her and give him the option of going home to her but this only ever happened a couple of times and that is not consistent with him having been so unhappy. The general consensus amoungst people who were there is that he is just really peed off about something but that even he does not know exactly what it is and I'm taking the crap for it and try as I may to see things from his point of view, I can only agree with that theory

[Omar Little]

In my experience, very often when someone makes a show of rejecting one person, it can be a way of establishing/reinforcing the bond with another person.
I know that I always felt closer to my mother when talking about how shit my dad was (my dad was actually shit though: he beat my mother, had an affair, run off with her, then we only saw him maybe once a year until we didn***8217;t see him at all).

Sometimes rejecting one parent can be a way of expressing your love for the other parent.

The narrative inside your son***8217;s head right now, for whatever reason, is that you weren***8217;t a good dad; it is a narrative that your ex is reinforcing when she agrees with him.
Whether or not your son can provide evidence is besides the point; asking him to provide it will just make him defensive. And it doesn***8217;t matter whether other people think he***8217;s being unreasonable or not, it***8217;s not about them or what they think.
It***8217;s about him, and his head space is that you weren***8217;t a good dad, so all you can do is be a good dad.

It is impossible to immediately rewrite the narrative he has imposed onto your relationship. But it can be rewritten in time. Being so far from your son will make it harder.
You need time and patience. Stop asking for examples.
Try to be there for him.
It doesn***8217;t sound like you are on good terms with your ex, and if that***8217;s the case, then you need to establish a better relationship with her, otherwise they are just going to reinforce each other***8217;s negative view of you each time one of them argues with you.
Tell her that you don***8217;t understand why he feels this way, but that you accept that he does. And that you want to have a better relationship with him, and ask her how she thinks this might be achieved.
And be patient.