Grit and determination

[AnnieLu]

I feel like I should've had some sort of psychological breakthrough tonight watching I'm A Celeb...i have so much respect for them for facing their absolute worst fears. And here I am, not even able to face any of mine. Never mind spiders and snakes, I just want to live a normal life!

They did it. Adam with the spiders and Scarlett with the small space... seeing them panic and shake and shout and scream and struggle to get through, but ultimately they coped. They found some grit and determination inside and they bloody well did it.

That's what I'm lacking: grit and determination. Inner strength. I have all the outside stuff, the hope and desire to do things, but when it comes to it there's nothing inside to back it up. I'm empty, and I don't know how to change that. How do you create/build grit and determination?

Maybe that's the difference between a "normal" person facing their fears and someone suffering with anxiety and depression. I dunno...using my anxiety as an excuse/reason for not doing things just feels like a major cop out for me, and then I feel even worse!

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Everyone has fears. Absolutely everyone.
I think the crucial difference is how we approach them. People who work through them do exactly that. They work through them by doing. They don't wait for confidence, grit and determination before they do things they fear. They do these things, persevere, and build confidence, grit and determination by working through the process. These qualities come through doing, so as Pete said, we have to get in there and actually work with our fears in order to get through them and build our inner resources.

When people take the chance, get stuck in and work through their fears you often hear them say later how they never thought it possible to do what they just did. This, again, is because they went in without feeling confident and didn't feel like they had the grit or determination to get through, but found that they built it up along the way.

I find that the most gutsy thing to do is the initial vow and Commitment to take on our fear(s). That is usually the most difficult part and the biggest hurdle because it's so easy to talk ourselves out of it. Once fully in the process though, we can start to build those qualities we felt we lacked.

[AnnieLu]

Ajax, great post! You've said something similar before and I remember that striking a chord with me too.

You're right, of course. That courage and grit and determination comes from the doing and not waiting until we feel capable before we do.

But I'm still stuck at the "how". You decide you want and need to face your fear, whether that be making a phone call, walking into a pub alone, catching a bus or sticking your head in a box of spiders (!), you agree to an activity you know will force you to face it... how do you actually go through with it and not pull out/cancel/no show?

I feel like Nike is the only answer I can come up with -- Just Do It -- but HOW?!?

[Ajax Amsterdam]

^^^
That Nike soundbite was something I often used to push me on.
I always had the How? question in my head too, but the answer is in the quote. You 'simply' acknowledge that your mind is asking the question, but you 'Just Do It' anyway.

Sounds simple but feels difficult. Despite that, it's the only way.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Oh, just a thought on I'm a Celebrity.
The people on that show know that all they are facing is fear itself. This is because they have at their disposal every safety measure available. The things they do look and feel dangerous but in reality it's all pretty safe. As I said they are facing fear itself but in a very safe environment.

In real life we do not have that obvious safety factor when we take chances and face our difficulties, so comparing ourselves to these contestants is massively unfair on ourselves.

[AnnieLu]

Easier said than done though, right?!

I know for myself, there is nothing 'real' to fear. I don't fear things that are dangerous or have the potential to be. I just fear the feelings... how I'll feel if I get on a bus, or have to talk to someone I don't know, or whatever the situation might be. Fear of fear itself, which feels pretty ridiculous but they you go. And I know the feeling itself can't hurt me, but I still don't want to put myself through those feelings if I can at all avoid it. And so I avoid it. Because I don't want to feel like that and have no wish to experience feelings more intense and more uncomfortable and more debilitating that what I'm already going through.

I guess it comes down to the payoff. And is it worth it? But I don't know what would have to be at the other side of the fear bridge to make me decide it is worth it. Perhaps there is nothing I want so much that I will be willing to walk straight into fear and anxiety and discomfort in order to get it :/

[AnnieLu]

Yes, a couple of my friends have SA to varying degrees and those with children definitely do have more success pushing through and persevering than I do.

Maybe it is about payoff. I really wanted to go to Spain to see my cousins, but apparently not enough to make me push through the discomfort and get there. But if there is never anything that means so much to me that will give me that incentive then I'll never get anywhere

[Silent Treatment]

^ I agree about the airport process..hate having to take off my belt, put liquids through separately..make sure there are no loose coins in my trousers..keep thinking I'm either holding the queue up or I'll leave something behind..the flight is the easy bit.

[AnnieLu]

Originally Posted by jinny

Could you break it down into smaller steps? So you know exactly which each bit of getting there entails....

then just literally focus on one step at a time?

Sometimes even simple tasks/journeys I have to break down into all the parts so I don't get overwhelmed & so that I know I'm prepared

I did do that actually. I wrote a list of steps like
* set alarm for 02:45
* get taxi to bus station at 03:20
* bus leaves 03:45
* arrive at airport 05:20
* go through security
* get a cup of tea and make sure phone is charged
* arrive in Spain 11:30
* find bus information desk

And so on.

Each individual step seemed do-able, though I didn't much fancy getting up at that time or getting the bus at that time either. The airport bit itself i think would've been OK. At the other end I'd have had 24 hours with people i didn't know, who would cook dinner for me and take me to the shop for groceries... awkwardness central!!

Logically I think I might've been able to do it, I just chose not to because I didn't want to experience the panic, anxiety, awkwardness and discomfort I knew the first 24-48 hours would entail.

I don't know how to explain it any more than that