SA as TOXIC SHAME AND GROWN WOUNDED CHILDREN

[ZooWeeMama]

There is a school of thought that I've recently been reading about and it has helped me and made me more aware of the root of my avoidance & SA.

It's that SA is toxic shame. There are psychologists talking about this, buddhism deals with it also. Plenty of articles about it on the net.

I found this site http://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm that is really good. The idea is that Psychological wounds (given to us by low nurturance families) plus being unaware of them, leads you to be a Grown Wounded Child. We are made up of subselves, whereby, if you were hurt as a child, that child can get stuck in that time, and when you feel symptoms of anxiety, panic etc, it is the child that feels this way, rather than the true Self. If we can operate from true self, that is when we feel centered, calm and decisive. If we feel all up in the air, we're not operating from true Self. It's hard to explain it all but it is well worth a read in my opinion. You have to do 'parts work' where you speak to the child eg, the shamed child, or the abandoned child, and bring them to the present and hear them and nurture them.
I hope it might help someone. He has a Youtube channel too. Also, as I said there are a lot of scholarly articles about toxic shame that aren't connected to this.
There's also a thread on another SA forum talking about this, I've yet to read through this. http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...or-most-98335/

Google of 'toxic shame' https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=to...D1INDnaO7vgegH

Has anyone else looked into this?

[ZooWeeMama]

Hi Nat. It's interesting that your therapist has brushed on this same thing too. Some say that shame is the cause of everyone's SA, and the shame makes us want to hide, hide our personalities, our weaknesses, our sexuality, our humanity.

I like the idea of talking to the wounded children, which I've only seen on the sfhelp.org website. Some people have actually found out new things, buried memories etc, (or found out what's bothering them, by asking them things), by talking to their inner children. We have to give the inner kids the love and validation that they didn't get at the stage they're in. There's so much info on that website, you just have to keep at it to find out the order of doing things.
I only discovered this about a month ago and I really like it.

I downloaded a Buddhist healing book on healing toxic shame.

[ZooWeeMama]

http://www.psychsight.com/ar-shame.html another article on toxic shame. Sorry for bombarding this info all at once.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

^
Interestng read.

Shame and guilt are two things I've never really associated with my experience of SA and other connected issues, but when I read this quote from one of your links...

Healthy shame (healthy guilt) would say, ***8220;I made a mistake or a blunder, and I can repair that blunder."
Toxic shame says, "I am a mistake - everything I do is flawed and defective."

... I got what is meant by the term.

I certainly grew up to believe that my entire existence was a mistake. A joke on me. I was probably into my fourth decade of life still believing that everything I did was wrong, flawed, inferior, defective etc... To an extent, I don't think that has ever left me fully even though I'm quite happy to be me these days.

I still don't relate to the words shame and guilt, but I see how they are meant in the context of the articles posted.

When I was training to be a counsellor we did a fair bit of Inner Child work. That was some time ago now so I don't recall the details of it, and it's not a particular area of interest for me personally, but I remember getting something out of the experience, and I recall many in the class getting a lot out of it, vowing to use it in their own practice eventually.

Actually, I've just remembered talking to my Inner Child back then, being compassionate and nurturing to that frightened, fragile little boy. Hmm... that takes me back a bit.

Another vague recolection, but I think we also drew a picture of how we see our Inner Child, then wrote questions to him/her with our writing hand, then had our Inner Child write the answers back to us with our other hand. We'd ask pretty deep questions about our past. Seeing the answers written by our 'Inner Child' via our non-writing hand (writing looks very child-like) was a strangely cathartic and emotional experience.

Ah, I'm waffling on again. Anyway, interesting thread.

[ZooWeeMama]

Well I think Shame is a bit of a misunderstood word, but I think that if we aren't proud enough of our opinions, thoughts, our looks, our personalities etc then we must be ashamed somewhat. I think it means that the feeling of shame was put on you at a young age (ie not good enough). And it's usually something you're unaware of until later in life. I read a bit on the sfhelp.org website about unfinished grief and made a list of things I'd lost, such as family from when I was a kid that we're no longer in contact with, a good job I left because of a nasty boss etc, and I unexpectedly cried about it, so I must have unfinished grief over things.
Also I know there is a teenage inner child needing saving, the one that got dumped as soon as she went to high school by her regular friends who all went for the popular crowd, the one who spent most of her time in her bedroom etc. Might stop me being overtaken by that teenager in social situations with peers. I have a huge problem with procrastination also and a creative block, (if you google 'creative block toxic shame, it's a 'thing'), which is addressed on that website as being an inner guardian trying to shield you from pain I think.

AjaxA, that's interesting that you did that work so long ago. And don't worry about 'waffling' you're not waffling your post is very informative, and as this info says, we should stop hididng. We have to let people know who we are and not be ashamed of it, otherwise how does anyone get to know us, or become friends with us, if they have no info to build a picture of us?

[Sid the sloth]

^ That sfhelp.org site does look good. I had a quick look yesterday and intend to have a go at those lessons. It's really good you've found a way to get out some of the grief.
I once read about going back to a horrible memory where you had no one to comfort you and then actually comforting your smaller self in your mind. That upset me when I tried it. You just remember feeling so alone and unworthy of anyone being nice to you.
Thanks for sharing these links and info.

[ZooWeeMama]

Hi Sid, you're welcome. It's a bit confusing to navigate because there's so much on it, it is repetative at the top of the pages. I hope it helps someone. I don't know if it works or not, but it's worth a go and it's free advice from a therapist.

[Sid the sloth]

^ Yeh it is a bit confusing but I watched the intro and what the course entails this morning. Definitely worth a go, I like what I've seen so far. I'm looking forward to the not passing wounds onto your own children part. That does worry me.