Does getting older make it worse?

[stef]

To the older ladies out there, do you feel your SA gets worse as you get older?

I mean as your looks start to go do you, like me, feel EVEN MORE self conscious.

I have never liked the person I am, but now I feel very unattractive on the 'outside', as well.

The world seems to judge females much more harshly for getting old.

I think also, the stress of being in public with SA, for decades, is enough to further accelerate the ageing process. Which in turn only compounds the problem further.

I am guessing I might be condemned for writing this, so it will be a while before I have courage to return.

[Rae]

I'm 31 and I would have to say that my SA hasn't gotten worse just fluctuated over time. Right now I'm not as confident as I have been in the past when it comes to talking to other people, but I'm acheiving more than I ever have before. Even though I find it difficult to be myself, I feel I'm finally understanding who I really am. I do get paranoid about my age, but anyone who judges me because of it isn't worth my time any hoo! Beauty comes in many different forms and youth is just one of them. I wouldn't go backwards if you paid me and so I would have to say all in all I'm proud to be a woman in my thirties.

[courageous]

I'm in my forties. I wouldn't say my SA has got worse, in some ways it has improved. This hasn't happened over night of course, it's taken a long time and been damned hard work. What I do feel sorry about is the fact that it has taken so long for these improvements to happen. I now feel I can go out and socialise but I've lost touch with friends as they've all got married and had children and do 'family' things now. I'm also very aware of my age too and I have to admit I hate it. Just when I'm finally able to 'party' I'm too bloody old! Clubs, pubs etc are full of beautiful young things. I hate the ageing process but to be honest I think most women feel less attractive as they get older, whether or not they have SA. I suppose you've just got to make the best of what you've got!

[Winnie57]

I'm in my fifties and I'd say it's got easier because I don't have the urges to socialise that I had when younger so I don't put myself in scary situations so much. Also don't have the urges to appear attractive so much as hormones have died down

Of course there are still challenging situations but I suppose I've got more set in my ways and got more accepting of myself as a loner.

[teacheraid]

Im in my early thirties..single...in a dead end job.. and I am very aware of the "time lost" to SA.

I do get sad thinking about opportunites lost to this condition..and now that I am older, some of those opportunites would not be there... It is hard to face sometimes.

For ages I fought really hard to make SA "disappear" so I could achieve things I wanted in a career etc..so much therapy..so many self help books...then as I started to get older...from trying so hard to fix myself..i got worn out..and gave up a little bit...and that eased my situation...because I just succumbed to the SA, didnt go out much, stopped challenging myself....i lost some of the ambition that was pushing me so hard to get better to achieve what I desperately wanted in a career...so I started to feel quite comfortable....but...(only for a short while) until I remembered again...all the life..im missing out on..then out comes the books,the tapes..the therapy.

So somehow I think it can be worse..and sometimes a little better in some respects (depending on what mood im in


And yes..I do think that I look older than most of my peers...from being constantly stressed for the past 15 years.
Over the years I have not "taken care" of myself like I should.. or been that interested in treating my body really well because half the time..I could see no future ahead of me... to be doing all the lovely things for yourself, like diet and exercise...so my attempts where short lived, and from that..I think my looks have definatley suffered

[Sea]

Originally Posted by stef

To the older ladies out there, do you feel your SA gets worse as you get older?

I mean as your looks start to go do you, like me, feel EVEN MORE self conscious.

Nope, I feel that my SA gets generally easier to deal with the older I get (I'm 34 now), probably for the same reasons as Winnie which is that I don't really bother forcing myself into social situations anymore. When I was younger it was unavoidable (given school, Uni etc) but now if I wish to spend all day on my own in my house then no-one is going to object/notice. Probably I just got avoidance down to a fine art over the years. But I find my SA easier to manage now than ever (as a general rule) and whether thats a bad thing because of avoidance or not is irrelevant to me...my life feels less anxious. Depression is another story altogether...

Regarding your other point, I've always loathed my looks...I hate the way I look and dress. If anything getting older has made me feel better about that too, because it matters less as I don't have to mingle with my peers. I certainly don't feel any less attractive now than I did when I was younger...I feel equally hideous, lol.

Originally Posted by stef

I am guessing I might be condemned for writing this, so it will be a while before I have courage to return.

Why would you think you would be condemned? The questions in your post are perfectly reasonable...

[rebecca21]

Im in my late 40's and I have lived with SA and anxiety since my mid 20's. There is no point in trying to get rid of it because it is part over you. I believe the best way is to forgive yourself and accept the struggle. I find some years are better than other. I am having a particlarly hard time at the moment but I will not let it destroy my life. I feel really old compared with most people on the site but I stay in because it makes me feel less alone.

Happy to chat any time

Rebecca

Originally Posted by SeaW

Nope, I feel that my SA gets generally easier to deal with the older I get (I'm 34 now), probably for the same reasons as Winnie which is that I don't really bother forcing myself into social situations anymore. When I was younger it was unavoidable (given school, Uni etc) but now if I wish to spend all day on my own in my house then no-one is going to object/notice. Probably I just got avoidance down to a fine art over the years. But I find my SA easier to manage now than ever (as a general rule) and whether thats a bad thing because of avoidance or not is irrelevant to me...my life feels less anxious. Depression is another story altogether...

Regarding your other point, I've always loathed my looks...I hate the way I look and dress. If anything getting older has made me feel better about that too, because it matters less as I don't have to mingle with my peers. I certainly don't feel any less attractive now than I did when I was younger...I feel equally hideous, lol.


Why would you think you would be condemned? The questions in your post are perfectly reasonable...

[rebecca21]

Originally Posted by Rae

I'm 31 and I would have to say that my SA hasn't gotten worse just fluctuated over time. Right now I'm not as confident as I have been in the past when it comes to talking to other people, but I'm acheiving more than I ever have before. Even though I find it difficult to be myself, I feel I'm finally understanding who I really am. I do get paranoid about my age, but anyone who judges me because of it isn't worth my time any hoo! Beauty comes in many different forms and youth is just one of them. I wouldn't go backwards if you paid me and so I would have to say all in all I'm proud to be a woman in my thirties.

Hi Rae
How you doing today. Sunny in Clevedon is it the same in Bristol?
Wot you up to. By the way if you think 31 is getting older try being in your 40's like me. If any thing I think I look better in some ways. I know what I like to wear and what suits me.

C U
Rebecca

[Harry Batt]

Fot me this is a bit of a strange one. I don't think getting older makes it worse. I have a greater understanding of who i really am and the drive now to make positive changes. I still feel so afraid of opening up to people and lowering my defences, almost like I'm ashamed to reveal my true self.

But when i put on my work uniform it's like i become a different person almost, like an sctor stepping into a role, in some ways it is brilliant as for 12 hours i can be the person i 've allways wanted to be, but in other ways it's quite cruel as i know that when the uniform comes off irevert backto being just me again.

just for once i wish i could tell someone just how I feel, what i think without stopping myself just as I'm about to open my mouth. To share my thoughts and my opinions just for once.

[Lone Dog]

Yes, I think getting older does make some things worse. For me, it's knowing how much time you've wasted, and how more difficult it is to try to make up for any of that wasted time. There's just a huge chunk of your life that was wasted, and just thrown away, and you can't recover it. EVER!

However, I think you do lose some of your SA, just by having to do things, and having more experience, certain things do become easier. Also, once you've had so many disasters, in some situations, there's no threat, because the worst thing that can happen is something that you've suffered much worse than in the past!

I always try to be optimistic, and think that better days will come, but when each day ticks by and it isn't a better day, then that's quite alarming.

[last2know]

Originally Posted by stef

To the older ladies out there, do you feel your SA gets worse as you get older?

I mean as your looks start to go do you, like me, feel EVEN MORE self conscious.

I have never liked the person I am, but now I feel very unattractive on the 'outside', as well.

The world seems to judge females much more harshly for getting old.

I think also, the stress of being in public with SA, for decades, is enough to further accelerate the ageing process. Which in turn only compounds the problem further.

I can't speak from a woman's perspective but I can add two cents of one male's opinion to this.

I believe it is women who judge themselves too harshly and not the world per se. I'm forty-seven years old. As I get older, the average age of the women I speak with or otherwise interact with progresses upward as well. As time passes, women seem to become increasingly aware of gravity and other phenomena of nature. Simultaneously, men begin to develope x-ray vision and learn to hone their newfound visionary skills on what a woman has going on inside her. I think women sense this detraction from their physical appearance, notice in the mirror that "things" don't look like they used to, and instinctively assume the detraction is due to her looks having changed.

Marketing firms perpetuate this misconception with their "act now, supplies are limited" and "send no money now, you will be billed later" approaches eagerly adhering to the policy "the customer is always right even when they're wrong." This strategy is what brings in that almighty cash.

Going through puberty, I can assure you I fantasized about older women as well as young ones. Most men I talk to admit doing so as well. Vicki LaMotta made the centerfold of Playboy when she was fifty-one. At the time, sales of that issue were unprecedented and to this day, that issue is still one of the best selling issues of all time. Ms. LaMotta had a few items not in their original position when she posed. My entire company (USMC) went crazy over that issue and a couple of skirmishes did in fact break out within the barracks over who's turn it was to view it. The average age in my company at that time was eighteen to twenty. I'm sure you'll concede this was not the only girlie magazine available at that time to a company of Marines, most in their prime. It was the only issue I ever saw that was fought over so vehemently.

I'd be a liar if I were to say that looks (as far as I'm concerned) had no importance whatsoever. Each and every male has his own set of preferences for what they look for in a woman but the overwhelming majority of men learn there's alot more to both sex and a good strong relationship than t & a.

How positive or negative is she?
Is she outgoing or is she a couch potato?
Is she so involved with herself and her activities that she rarely notices me?

I don't think it is unnatural to compare what is to what was. Men are self-conscious about their looks and their hunter/gatherer role as well. This is just the nature of the beast. With that said, I would imagine anxiety levels do increase with age for women (and men) in this one particular area. Other areas of anxiety may begin to diminish as wisdom is acquired or even some apathy starts to sink in. For those who suffer more from sa than others, perhaps the higher levels of stress do add to the aging process compounding the situation to an extent. I just think you need to remain ever aware that men eventually stop focusing all their attention on the exterior and actually realize that the true beauty lies within.

Just my two cents

[kema]

I think that my SA has gotten a little better, but only because I just started doing CBT. work and I'm seeing a therapist. If I didin't have those things to help me. I would definately be worst.

I'm in my mid 40s. and that brings on a host of other problems, not looking the way you use to look, when you were in your 20s, is quite of a challenge, but I'm learning to accept the process and learning how to turn around all my negative thinking that brought SA on in the first place.

So I think it's definitely what you make of it.

[stef]

Originally Posted by last2know

I think 'mature' men are possibly more appreciative of a mature woman's deeper attributes. But the point is when she (we) are walking down the street we have to absorb all the negative comments and reactions from possibly 'not so mature' males (and indeed, some females).

This definitely DOES shake your confidence further, making the S.A. much worse.

If we are lucky enough to have caring partners at home, we still have to face the general sexist, ageist society we live in.