The Suicide Thread - Trigger Warning

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by Pink*Lady

Thanks anxiouslondoner. Today has been hell. I hacked at my hair with scissors and did othr things which I can't post on here.

Hope you are ok.

It's a good thing you are seeing the doctor on Monday - I hope you go to the appointment. Hope you feel better soon

[Tembo]

Originally Posted by Ajax Amsterdam

I really hope you never act upon that urge, Telex.

It's hard to find the right words really, because when a person feels low, I know words don't really mean much. All that matters is how you feel. I can relate to your post because I felt very similar for many years. I never thought I had anything worthwhile to offer and I thought the world and those who knew me would not miss me and would be better off without me. I'm not suggesting all that changed overnight because it didn't, but it did change in time. Suppose all I'm saying is that even when everything feels pointless now, it may not always be that way.

Before worrying too much about the size of our contribution to society I think we have to first find some purpose and direction ourselves. At least when we move in those valued directions our lives feel more fulfilling and getting out of bed in the morning has some purpose that we care about. I'm sure you have plenty of potential for personal growth and I'm sure you have plenty to offer others too.

I used to feel like some kind of alien dropped off here by mistake and without the tools to survive. Suffocating in an atmosphere I could barely tolerate. I can't say the transition from where I was then to where I am now was an easy one, but it has happened and all the pain was worth it in the end.

As I said earlier, these are just words and I know words don't mean much really, but I just wanted to put them out there anyway.

Take care of yourself. I wish you all the very best.

Thank you Ajax, your post really means a lot. You are really great with words!

I had quite a bit of alcohol when writing that post (I very rarely drink alcohol now though, because of its effects on depression) . I do know that I never want to end my life. But there are still many occasions where I feel completely worthless and struggle to see any point to anything. I imagine dark thoughts of how to end things - this is happening less these days thanks to CBT, but it still happens too much.

I think I am making the right steps to improve things. As well as the CBT and mindfulness, I am quitting my incredibly stressful office jobs and will become a voluntary teaching assistant in a primary school in September, to possibly become a teacher in time. It's going to be a major change but I feel my current job is really bringing me down.

I'm really glad you have a better life now Ajax

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Telex

Thank you Ajax, your post really means a lot. You are really great with words!

I had quite a bit of alcohol when writing that post (I very rarely drink alcohol now though, because of its effects on depression) . I do know that I never want to end my life. But there are still many occasions where I feel completely worthless and struggle to see any point to anything. I imagine dark thoughts of how to end things - this is happening less these days thanks to CBT, but it still happens too much.

I think I am making the right steps to improve things. As well as the CBT and mindfulness, I am quitting my incredibly stressful office jobs and will become a voluntary teaching assistant in a primary school in September, to possibly become a teacher in time. It's going to be a major change but I feel my current job is really bringing me down.

I'm really glad you have a better life now Ajax

Thanks Telex.

Maybe it was a good thing that you posted and got that off your chest the other day. I think just voicing it can help at times.

I don't know it this is of any relevance to you personally, but in some very dark periods in my past I often thought of ways to end it all but knew deep down I'd not act on them. I think just thinking that I had a way out if I chose to employ it was a way of somehow trying to gain some kind of control at a time where I felt I had none. So, just thinking the thoughts of having a viable exit actually helped me to stick around and carry on. Once I realised what was going on, the thoughts themselves were less distressing because I understood that their function was actually help me carry on living.

I hope that makes sense? As I said, it may hold no relevance to you personally, though. It's just that when we feel trapped by our circumstances I suppose the mind comes up with ways out, even if we never choose to use them. Just knowing we have them can be enough.

Anyway, enough of my pondering.

I'm glad you are taking positive steps such as the CBT and Mindfulness. I've used both to help my own progress along. Quitting the work that is stressing you so badly and going for something you find more rewarding also sounds like a brave and important move for you. I wish you all the very best with that. I'm sure that environment will also have its challenges, but it's far better to be challenged doing something we value than something we don't.

All the best, Telex.

[Consolida]

^ I wish I could say something to help, quietuker, but I know all the platitudes in the world (particularly those from a stranger) aren't going to make any difference to how you are feeling at the moment

But, I will add this anyway...

I hope it isn't the video experiment you spoke about in yesterday's post that has added to your feeling of hopelessness. I took part in one years ago and felt the same way as you did afterwards. I had hoped that they might have stopped this kind of thing by now as I personally can't see how it's helpful to people with SA and low self esteem issues

All I can say, is that no therapist would have put you in front of a camera if you truly came across as shockingly awful as you think you did - it just wouldn't make sense. When we look back at ourselves through our own eyes every little thing we dislike about ourselves becomes magnified a million times over. There is no way that other people will be inspecting your behaviour/mannerisms as harshly as you do and if they did they wouldn't be worthy of a moment of your time.

I'm glad that you realise that there are people close to you that would be devastated if you wasn't here.

Take care

[Z.]

I hope all those feeling suicidal improve soon.

This is my default emotion at the moment. Life is empty and pointless. That's how things look. I remember when I was 12 when I tried to kill myself, and nothing has really changed, at least fundamentally. Life really is pointless. What is there to live for?

[Z.]

Ah **** it. Receiving support on here is about as likely as my dog shitting out bars of gold.

[Consolida]

^ I try to write supportive posts because I genuinely feel very sad when folk here are feeling so unhappy with their lives but I worry that I'm coming across as patronising or insincere. However, I shall carry on posting until someone tells me to **** off!

I find it truly heartbreaking, Z, that you tried to kill yourself when you were only 12. My son is only a year older than that and the thought that he could feel such despair at such a young age doesn't bare thinking about I don't really know what to say other than I hope there is support and help available to you whether it's from family, online or offline friends and/or mental health services. Even if people don't respond to your message because they don't know what to say, your words don't go unread and...well, I hate saying this (it sounds kinda empty?) but you are definitely not alone.

Take care Z

[Cairn]

I'm sorry you're feeling shit Z.

I don't know what to say mate other than the usual stuff that doesn't bloody actually do anything.

[Cairn]

I hope Z's alright.

I've had a few rare suicidal thoughts lately but not serious.

It's hard to know what to say to people.

Wish I could actually do something to help people and wasn't bogged down by all my own shit.

[Between The Bars]

Originally Posted by Cairn

I hope Z's alright.

I've had a few rare suicidal thoughts lately but not serious.

It's hard to know what to say to people.

Wish I could actually do something to help people and wasn't bogged down by all my own shit.

You've summed it up perfectly.

The last time I felt suicidal, Z helped me.

Z if you're reading, take your time, and be kind to yourself.

[Cairn]

Bullying can make you feel like that.

You start high school 11/12 and if you don't fit in or get a hard time it can be horrible, especially if you just feel like you've got no option but to force yourself to go to school.

I know some people were pulled out of school but for me that never crossed my mind.

I remember the first year of high school being quite good for me, I fit in.

The second year though I met my bully.

We started off as friends and really got on. Then the bullying started.

One minute we were having a right laugh, the next he was an absolute bastard.

By about 13 and a half I was having compulsive thoughts of killing myself, or injuring him so he was in a wheel chair for life, or killing him.

A ****ing 13 year old shouldn't be having those thoughts, and there was ****ing no one to talk to.

Kids can be cruel, evil bastards.

[Cairn]

I've never actually attempted it.

I've taken a couple of overdoses but it was to feel different more than actually trying to end it all.

I have a family member who committed suicide and know the pain it can cause.

[Consolida]

Originally Posted by quietuker

The only reason I notice these behaviours is because loads of people have told me I am a '******' over the years of me growing up. Its not just an empty insult that dozens of people have said theres truth to it, In the video I come accross as someone who has severe learning difficulties and I am pretty sure if I showed the video to people they would say the same thing if they were to be brutally honest.

These people that you encountered while growing up were probably kids that had never heard of Social Anxiety and if they had would have probably been too dumb to begin to understand it. When they were confronted by someone who was different to them - in your instance, I'm guessing, shy, quiet, and socially awkward - they knew no better but to hurl the ****** insult at you. They probably used this insult, or one that was equally as derogatory, about anyone who didn't fit into the gobby cocky kid bracket. Not that I'm making excuses for them, they were horrible bullies too. But, I like to think that Society has moved on a bit since then and the kids that said those hurtful things have grown up into less ignorant adults. Mental health issues are now far more widely spoken about, (most folk will suffer with poor mental health or know of someone who does at some point during their lifetime) and any moderately intelligent adult would hopefully not equate a quiet socially awkward person with being a ******

Most adults surely have the sense to realise that a nervous demeanour is absolutely no indication of someone having a low IQ or being 'slow'.

I hope that you will have the opportunity to talk about the video experiment with your therapist. Tell him/her how distraught you felt upon seeing yourself in the video. Hopefully, talking about it will be of some help to you and the therapist will be able to work with you on how to reduce some of your anxiety so that you can come across in a way that you find more acceptable.

This is just my take on things.

SA is a **** thing to suffer with that's for sure, but I really hope you don't give up as things can greatly improve for you, quietuker

[David K]

Struggling. Not gonna do anything but can't stop obsessing over it anyway.

[Between The Bars]

I can't, for one second say that I'm over it DK, it is probably one of those things we have to live with.
When the bad times are bad, they are fukin bad. However, when you feel alive again, you forget for a while, what the bad times felt like.

You will recover again.

[Omar Little]

If past behaviour is a predictor of future behaviour, then the rest of my life will continue in this vein—a vein throbbing with the misery and discontent of being an unemployable part-time addict living in a violent shithole of a town, with no friends, very few relatives, no prospects, and a broken, mediocre brain that won’t allow me to transcend my circumstances.

The only thing that stopped me (the ONLY thing) was knowing I’d be leaving my cat behind alone. She dotes on me, I could never leave her behind. Never.
She was by my side night and day for nearly sixteen years. And two days ago I had to put her to sleep because the tumour in her mouth had finally beaten her.
She was my only comfort and joy, she brought me solace in my darkest moments.
My grief at losing her is profound. I am full of rage and anger too, but mostly grief. Reality feels deeply wrong.

I see my future continuing much like it has done for all my adult life; only now there won’t be something waiting for me when I open the door, there won’t be something nagging me constantly for food. There won’t be something there that needs me to get out of bed on those days I don’t want to; something that needed me to be happier and, indeed, compelled me to do so.

Some people won’t understand my grief as they see pets as mere commodities, one pet dies you get another. But some here will know that a bond with a pet can be as strong, if not stronger, than a bond with another human.

I have lost people before, but I’ve never felt this bad.
Now I am alone with pain and grief, and a bleak-looking future without any solace.

My cat is waiting for me, and I have no reason not to be with her.

[Schmosby]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

But some here will know that a bond with a pet can be as strong, if not stronger, than a bond with another human.

My cat was so much better than any human, she was always there for me. I was grief stricken when she passed. In time though I've come to terms with it. She had a good life with me (I hope) and at some point I'd like to give another little friend a good life too.

[Ajax Amsterdam]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

...Some people won***8217;t understand my grief as they see pets as mere commodities, one pet dies you get another. But some here will know that a bond with a pet can be as strong, if not stronger, than a bond with another human.

I have lost people before, but I***8217;ve never felt this bad.
Now I am alone with pain and grief, and a bleak-looking future without any solace.

My cat is waiting for me, and I have no reason not to be with her.

I feel your pain. I really do. I lost my dog last November. The bond we had was incredible. I've lost people before. I've been present when two people I cherished died. Yet the grief I felt at the loss of 'my boy' was, and still is, indescribable. I still feel it every day. I journal about it weekly. The sheer depth of the loss also brought up all manner of issues for me. My own mortality. The mortality of those I love. Age. Time. Life and existence generally. I questioned everything yet found no answers. You are just left with a void. The price of loving and caring, I suppose.

You are right. Many, many people do not understand pet bereavement. But the reality is that it affects so many people intensely. It's effect on many people should not be underestimated. Loss is loss. Grief is grief. Pain is pain.

I don't even want to offer warm and kind words to you here because I know that even though such things are well-intentioned, they don't really make any difference. But what I do want to do is just say that some people really do understand, and that although it's no consolation, you are far from alone.

I hope you stick in there. It's hard, but we can and usually do work through this. I'm still blundering through ten months after one of the worst days of my life when my boy died, and I still cry my heart out at times. We get through in the end. Please, give yourself time to process your pain and loss.

Take care of yourself.

[Omar Little]

Thank you, schmosby, angelica and ajax for understanding and offering words of kindness. And i'm sorry that you, ajax and schmosby, have both had to experience such a painful loss, too.

I am overcome with grief. She was with me night and day for nearly sixteen years, my constant shadow, and now there***8217;s nothing, my shadow has gone.
While I believe she was ready to go, the procedure was too quick and messy. They came here and left so quickly that I didn***8217;t have time to properly do it right. It was too quick and she didn***8217;t like it. but she would have starved to death very soon had it not been done. But it was too quick and messy.

[Appear]

^ So sorry, Omar. Words are rubbish at times like this (well, mine are at least), but I hope you're as okay as you can be. Be good to yourself, sir.

[Omar Little]

Thank you, appear. i'm not okay. i'm crushed. i will go wander the streets just to get away from my home for a while. i'll walk until i'm tired enough to sleep.

i keep getting letters from banks i owe money to, and my mobile got switched off. i let all these things get forgotten when my cat got sick and needed almost constant care.
just one more thing to add to the list.

i think i'm done.

[Pink*Lady]

Being bullied throughout childhood and adulthood has destroyed me. Just stick up for yourself. It's not that ****ing simple. Having flashbacks and shitty thoughts. I don't fit in anywhere and the loneliness is unbelievable. Having suicidal thoughts on her ways.

[Pink*Lady]

Originally Posted by Johnny88

Na, I know what you mean, I find it hard to know how to deal with people being disrespectful or hurtful. When you have been degraded by others, its hard to trust what to say or do and knowing what will have the right effect. I either think I have gone overboard or have just let myself be walked over, I can't seem to find an in between.

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling. Hope you're having a better day today.

[WalkinTall]

the idea of constructing an exit bag becomes more and more appealing by the day

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by biscuits

Oh, Omar

I'm genuinely sorry to read about your cat.

Thanks biscuits.

Time goes too fast. I can still clearly remember the night i first brought her home as a kitten. I was about 19.
The guy I got her off belonged to an offshoot of my circle of friends. Him and his abnormally hirsute kid brother fancied themselves as the Kray twins; they loved to fight, and to point out that their grandfather had, at one point, been a world-famous boxer. After fighting, their second love was, oddly, the movie Titanic, which they had each seen in the cinema seven times; the older brother even took to straightening his own hair and perma-gelling it into the style Leo sported in that movie. You couldn't say nothing about this though, they'd beat you senseless if you did.

Anyhow, his cat had three kittens. When i was around his house one night I put one of the kittens on top of my head, where it immediately fell asleep. I tried to stay still for as long as possible not to disturb it. I told Leo Kray that I wanted it, but he said she was already taken and that i could have one of the others. I didn't want them, so said not to worry.

For some reason, Leo Kray liked me, he wanted us to be friends, maybe because I was the only other kid who liked movies and talking about them (although I hated all the movies he liked: macho car shit, and romance movies), or maybe, as my brother suspected, he secretly fancied me. He said that I could have her, and that the other people could f off. It meant I had to go back to his house often enough to stop him changing his fickle mind. Which meant all-night parties and the inevitable threats at the wrong end of a kitchen knife when he'd flip his damn lid and feel the need to violently assert his masculinity to the group. God I hated that prick.

Six weeks was the amount of time he said that a kitten had to stay with its mother.
Six weeks to the day, I went to his house in the evening with my brother to get my kitten.
I thought I could just take her home in my jacket, but she immediately began wriggling and squirming. Leo said that she was the only one of the three that wouldn't eat cat food but she liked sausage paste, so he put some of that in my jacket in the hope it would settle her. I thought it was a good idea and let him put a nice (un)healthy glob of sausage paste in there

As me and my brother walked home in the rain, the kitten squirmed her way around and about the inside of my small tight-fitting jacket, shredding to pieces the crepe paper-like inner-lining, whilst ensuring there was a nice even spread of sausage paste everywhere inside. Eventually she wormed her way up one of my sleeves, squeezing her head out the end. Able to see where she was, she finally settled. So i held my arm out in front of me and cupped my hand over her head to protect her from the rain, and then walked all the way home like that: arm held out in front of me, a little kitten head poking out of my sleeve, my hand cupped over her head, whilst I was wet and stinking of sausage paste.
I realise now that she was already setting out the ground rules: it was me who was to accommodate her.

I'm forever grateful to Leo Kray that he did that for me, because my cat was my constant companion for nearly sixteen years; i'm also glad that I never had a reason to go back to that maniac's house ever again.

Someone told me I should write down my memories of my cat, and I have to say it felt good writing that.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by biscuits

Aww that's a lovely, little story.

She must have only been a dot when you got her! Talking to people about your memories is a really good idea, it helps you to move away from grief to being able to smile about the good memories.

I'm really worried about saying the wrong thing or making you feel worse - being the accidental troll that I am. I've lost pets too and it's heartbreaking but please don't let this make you give up on yourself.

She was a dot, aye. Shame that I have no photos of her at that age, as it was the days before every device in your home had a camera on it.

Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing, I know your intentions are good. If something came across in a way you didn’t mean it to, I would suspect that such was the case.

It is heartbreaking, and it’s not that she’s died that I’ve given up on myself. I gave up on myself about two or three years ago. The only thing that kept me from doing something drastic was knowing I’d be leaving my cat behind, and I couldn’t do that to her. Sometimes i'm done, sometimes i'm not. i don't feel quite as done tonight though.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Johnny88

That's an endearing story. Was he actually called Leo Kray or have you labelled him that? When my dog was put down I found it futile to think of the sad things. In 16 years there are some unbelievable memories you can conjure. If all that you have left of the cat is memories, might as well dwell on the good ones. You definitely make use of the blog for this. Sorry for your loss though mate

Thank you, Johnny. 16 years is a lot of good memories to write about. It’s hard not to dwell on the bad though when it is still so fresh and i feel so much guilt about how ugly her final moments were.

I’ve just labelled him ‘Leo Kray’. I daren’t use his real name, he’s a roid-head these days (still has the Titanic Leo haircut too), and if he somehow saw this he’d come to where I live and batter my door down with his oversized arms.

[Consolida]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your cat, Omar

I started to write a message for you yesterday but I struggled to find the right words so deleted it before clicking send. I do that a lot.

Maybe there just aren't any words that can lessen the pain of losing a beloved pet

She was a lucky little cat to have lived such a long life with someone who loved her so dearly and you clearly also felt blessed to have had your feline companion by your side. It's lovely to hear how you came to have her when she was a tiny kitten and I hope that by looking back over a lifetime of happy memories it will lessen the pain of those final awful days.

As I write I have my own special girl laying at the foot of my bed. I found her (or she found me) when she was a hungry stray kitten scrounging around the neighbourhood for scraps. I thought I'd lost her after a botched routine operation went seriously wrong. By some miracle, she survived (minus a kidney) and every day spent with her since has been precious. I absolutely dread it when her time comes but guess loss and grief is the price you pay for loving another being so deeply. When I lost a beloved ginger Tom cat years ago I vowed I'd never let myself love another pet again but when a homeless stray arrives on the scene they have a habit of capturing your heart whether you like it or not!

But, enough about my cat

Please don't give up on Life because your cat is no longer here, Omar. Anyone who can love and cherish another life for 16 years as you have done has a huge amount to offer. Reach out to people who understand the pain of losing an animal companion.

Take care Omar

I'm in two minds whether to add this as I don't want to sound insensitive by suggesting that you could just replace your cat who had her own special and unique character with another cat and everything will be alright....

But, in time, when you have grieved for your pet and if you have love to spare there are countless rescue centres packed with abandoned and unloved furry souls desperate to capture the heart of someone like you who will provide them with a loving home.

I came across this poem written from a deceased pets perspective that really resonated with me, although it might not be everyone's cup of tea. I hope it's okay to share it here...

"Before humans die, they write their last will and testament, give their home and all they have to those they leave behind. If, with my paws, I could do the same, this is what I would ask

***8220;To a poor and lonely stray, I***8217;d give my happy home, my bowl, cozy bed and all my toys, the lap which I loved so much and the tender loving touch.

Also the hand that stroked my fur and the sweet voice, which called my name. I***8217;d will to the sad, scared shelter animal, the place I had in my human***8217;s loving heart of which their seemed no bounds.

So, when I die, please do not say, ***8216;I will never have a pet again, for the loss and the pain are more than I can stand.***8217; Instead, go find an unloved animal, one who***8217;s life holds no hope or joy and give my place to him. This is the only thing that I can give ... the love I left behind.

This is my inheritance ***8212; my last will and testament.***8221;

[Omar Little]

Thank you for your kind words, Muggins.

"guess loss and grief is the price you pay for loving another being so deeply." I guess it is. Maybe it would be easier if there were more than one being in one's life that was loved deeply.

I hope you have a great many years with your cat. Cherish the little bugger.

Like you were, I am currently in the mindset of "I can't let another pet into my life". I have no problem with you sharing that poem though. I think that the more something like that is shared the more good it's ultimately going to do, someone will read it and either be affected by it or share it elsewhere where it, again, might have the effect of a cat being homed.

I dreaded my cat's end for many years, too; i always thought i was being morbid and lacking the ability to stay in the present, but i think that dread ultimately served a good purpose: whenever i got that dread thought, i would go and spend more time with her.

[Azalea]

So sorry about your cat Omar.
2 and a half years after losing my dog I still can't bring myself to get another. If I did it would be another rescue dog like she was but I'm not sure I will ever be ready.