anyone single still?

[pew77]

I have just recently started to date again, the chap knows I have SA and it will take a long time to get to know me and he's fine with that which helps. we have no expectations of each other and no pressure to talk about anything that makes me feel uncomfortable again that really helps. i have found that when i am pressured into opening up it makes my anxiety worse and i cant say anything at all but when the pressure is off things come out slowly over time. i'm looking forward to seeing where it goes if anywhere but it's all a journey and the journey will be fun

[Scrobes]

Originally Posted by Fembot

I would struggle with a man who wouldn't talk because sharing humour and opinions is important to me but shy doesn't necessarily mean you are always mute.
Hopefully super shy people can find each other and those who are shy but talkative in the right circumstances can find each other too.

This is pretty much how I was going to reply to Defiance's post.

[Scrobes]

Originally Posted by newbie2013

maybe you might meet a girl like this at a meetup group, as would imagine in the real world it would be hard to meet a shy girl just because they might not like to go on dates etc :-(

A shy girl and a shy guy are more likely to be suited to each other than something else, yet their chances of meeting each other is often very small. It is regrettably a conundrum of galactic proportions. :>

[newbs16]

but would they be shy together?

[daveysurfy]

Hmmm.... often I think I would just like to have a best friend, but that seems a total non entity as you get old, and even if you do become great friends with someone, I think there comes a time down the road when they will eventually meet someone and you will be sidelined, and once they move in together, have kids, forget it! The only close relationship you can have as you get older, and by close I just mean spending time together doing stuff everyday or every other day, is with a partner, I'm not really one to "hang out" with a bunch of people, in fact thats totally not me so my options seem incredibly limited.

[Scrobes]

Originally Posted by newbie2013

but would they be shy together?

Maybe at the start sure, but eventually not - assuming they're right for each other. I am much more comfortable one to one for example. ;o

[Scrobes]

Originally Posted by Geddalexneil

My last partner was shy (probably more so than I am in some ways) but together we talked constantly, shared private jokes and seemed the perfect fit.

The problem was that neither of us had any life outside the relationship, so we ended up lacking external stimuli and the relationship became stale. The majority have my partners have been quite outgoing, which I find suits me better because it offers social opportunities.

In my estimation, that just means you didn't find the right shy person. Don't write them *all* off just because of that one experience. ;o

[black_mamba]

(Quote removed on behalf of original poster)

I don't think it's a myth I just believe that there are so many different preferences out there that no one ideal will be appealing to everyone. My ex was really outgoing and so it caused problems like the ones you describe (his friends and family positively HATED me being quiet, even though bf himself was cool with it). But honestly there are many people out there happy with quieter, more introverted partners.

My previous boyfriends say I'm "refreshing" company precisely for the reasons you said (not excessively chatty and like peace and quiet). Be proud to be different. Not everyone is gonna like it but fook it, you can't please everyone. Who the hell goes around telling other people they're not normal for a woman/man anyway? People with no social skills that's who. The people that matter will be glad you're "not like the others".

[Spock]

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Since men are first and foremost interested in what you look like (if you're physically attractive they'll pretty much forgive any personality defects you might have) then i don't see how it can be a myth.....if you're even remotely attractive (and it often gets very remote for most men) then all you need to do is leave the house and put yourself in a position to meet men.....for a shy man however, simply leaving the house and putting himself in a position to meet women won't be enough....he'll have to do a lot more.....so you have that advantage.....the downside to this advantage though is that men (and society as a whole) will basically judge you primarily on your physically appearance and not much else (swings and roundabouts)

Both men and women probably prefer people that are pro-active, animated, spontaneous, interesting, motivated, exciting etc regardless of whether they're shy or not but to attract a partner in the first instance, i think men are more willing to persue shy women they find physically attractive certainly much more than women are willing to persue shy men they find physically attractive but if, after the initial attraction, you turn out to be none of those^ things then yes, they will probably lose interest....but at least you've got your foot in the door at the beginning......i just wish sometimes that women would be more appreciative of the fact that they're getting a foot in the door at all

[Belinda]

(Quote removed on behalf of original poster)

This has been my experience too (at least it was when I was 'dating' back in the '80s before I met my partner who luckily for me is quiet and likes my quietness).

Hux, I can see your point, but it isn't that much fun 'getting your foot in the door' and then being rejected for being extremely quiet and anti-social. I think both men and women want a relationship with someone they click with emotionally and it's so much harder to do this with someone extremely quiet, shy and/or eccentric.

Maybe it is somewhat easier for women to 'get a date' (though this isn't by any means the case for all women) but as what most people want is a good relationship, not just 'a date' it doesn't seem a particular advantage.

[Spock]

Originally Posted by Belinda

Maybe it is somewhat easier for women to 'get a date' (though this isn't by any means the case for all women) but as what most people want is a good relationship, not just 'a date' it doesn't seem a particular advantage.

But from a mans perspective, getting the date is an advantage towards that relationship goal especially when compared to....not getting a date

I know it's complicated but in this specific regard, i do think women have a slight advantage......though frankly i think men have it a lot easier in most other areas of life compared to women (but you live longer so we're even)

(Quote removed on behalf of original poster)

You've still got more chance than someone who hasn't got their foot in the door at all.....they're sat in a puddle with their foot in a drain and the drain is overflowing with excrement and.....see this is what happens when you start using analogies....i'm all confused now....so the drain is overflowing and then batman turns up and gives you some cake because the cake is like a metaphor for hope and oh **** i'm going to bed

[Sleepless]

Yeah and theres not a thing I can do about it.

[Concept]

Yeah, but I enjoy the freedom. I loved having things to do with in my last relationship. Things to go to together, quiet nights in, cuddling up and falling asleep but... needing alone time always gets in the way.

[Scrobes]

lol I would totally introduce my gf as CornflakeGirl to my parents. :3

But my parents are absolutely awesome.

That gif is from Ghost World isn't it...

[newbs16]

who is cornflake girl please explain?:p

[Jane Doe]

I've always been single and will remain that way for the foreseeable future.

[Scrobes]

Originally Posted by Danica

and will remain that way for the foreseeable future.

If it's okay to ask, is that through choice or something beyond your control? ;o Is it a statement of regret or a declarational statement? You don't have to answer me if it's personal and so on. That's perfectly okay, just wondered.

[Jane Doe]

Originally Posted by Scrobes

If it's okay to ask, is that through choice or something beyond your control? ;o Is it a statement of regret or a declarational statement? You don't have to answer me if it's personal and so on. That's perfectly okay, just wondered.

It's a combination of both. I've never had a social life, so I'm not used to being in situations where someone might "come on to me". On the rare occasions that people have shown an interest in me, I was unable to reciprocate (even if I liked them) because I cannot cope with the attention. I enjoy my own company and generally like being alone so I am very set in my ways. I'm not sure how I'd deal with sharing my life with someone, although I don't like to think I'll be single for the rest of my life. Also, telling a potential partner I've never had a relationship isn't something I'm relishing, but I will cross that bridge when or if I come to it. Hopefully, I'll be lucky enough to find someone who will overlook my inexperience!

[Scrobes]

Originally Posted by Danica

It's a combination of both. I've never had a social life, so I'm not used to being in situations where someone might "come on to me". On the rare occasions that people have shown an interest in me, I was unable to reciprocate (even if I liked them) because I cannot cope with the attention. I enjoy my own company and generally like being alone so I am very set in my ways. I'm not sure how I'd deal with sharing my life with someone, although I don't like to think I'll be single for the rest of my life. Also, telling a potential partner I've never had a relationship isn't something I'm relishing, but I will cross that bridge when or if I come to it. Hopefully, I'll be lucky enough to find someone who will overlook my inexperience!

I totally understand actually. I could have written your reply word for word. Honestly. The idea of sharing yourself with someone is appealing, but it's also scary the longer it never happens. Plus, being on your own for so long slowly starts to condition you to a life of solitude. Undoing that by being with someone would be quite the process, and to have the expectation of them being patient with you.. well, that is quite bold and audacious. Who would do that for me? (Not that I do have that expectation of them, thus that potentiality is closed off, so I don't bother - *unless* I think they might be a bit like me, i.e. they "get it". In the end, you're almost forced to be selective, not because you're fussy, but because you *have* to be for it to even have a chance of working)

It's a shame you can't reciprocate when you get attention, but I do understand. It's the silliest thing, but I feel more comfortable when I'm the one showing interest first, and almost trying to encourage them to notice me. If it's reversed, and a girl shows strong interest in me first without me ever having done anything before that, I'm dead in the water. I struggle to know what to do. :/ (Also partly because girls showing interest in me with no preamble is exceptionally rare over the years (which is further partly because I don't get out much, probably))

Thanks for answering me anyway, Danica.

[diplodocus]

(Quote removed on behalf of original poster)

Speaking for myself all my partners with the exception of my first serious gf have been chatty types, even the ones with SA were much chattier than the average. I just find it easier to click with them and have fun. I'm fairly extrovert and chatty myself in the right company so I guess that's why it works but I do find shy women attractive. I don't go for extrovert bubbly types specifically but I do end up connecting with them.

[Jane Doe]

Originally Posted by Scrobes

It's a shame you can't reciprocate when you get attention, but I do understand. It's the silliest thing, but I feel more comfortable when I'm the one showing interest first, and almost trying to encourage them to notice me. If it's reversed, and a girl shows strong interest in me first without me ever having done anything before that, I'm dead in the water. I struggle to know what to do. :/ (Also partly because girls showing interest in me with no preamble is exceptionally rare over the years (which is further partly because I don't get out much, probably))

Thanks for answering me anyway, Danica.

You're welcome I would never have the courage to indicate an interest in someone but, as a female, I know that it isn't expected of me. I suppose SA is more difficult for men in that respect.

Before I become remotely dateable, I need to overcome so many hurdles like SA, depression, unemployment, no social life.... Anyway, I've got an appointment with my local mental health service soon, so maybe that's the start of me moving forward

[invisiblegirl82]

Originally Posted by d-s-m

You just described me. I'm also 32 and never had a serious relationship. Stopped speaking to my old 'friends' because i was getting too embarrassed about being the only one who was still single, plus they were annoying me too.

Hi, I am 30 and never had a serious relationships. A couple of brief flings when I was younger but nothing for ages. I feel like I couldn't cope with a relationship as I find it hard just dealing with day to day stuff. I feel much the same about kids too. I also find it difficult dealing with friends opinions and comments about relationship status. Most of my friends are married/starting families and I often get asked 'why don't you have a relationship' and I think my friends are beginning to find it weird that im never in a relationship.

[newbs16]

Originally Posted by invisiblegirl82

Hi, I am 30 and never had a serious relationships. A couple of brief flings when I was younger but nothing for ages. I feel like I couldn't cope with a relationship as I find it hard just dealing with day to day stuff. I feel much the same about kids too. I also find it difficult dealing with friends opinions and comments about relationship status. Most of my friends are married/starting families and I often get asked 'why don't you have a relationship' and I think my friends are beginning to find it weird that im never in a relationship.

why do your friends think its weird?

[Dapper Dan]

It's been really interesting for me reading the various issues, particularly those regarding relationships, since I joined here a few weeks ago. For someone soon to be turning 33 and never had a serious relationship you often just assume you are the only one in this position.

The brief relationships I've had in my life have led to me losing a terrible amount of weight and not sleeping for months due to anxiety so I'm not exactly in a rush to put myself through that again. Have now been single for 5 or so years and don't anticipate putting myself through it again. Of my small group of friends only 2 of us are now single and oddly it's the other one who has been gently prodded to get himself out there. Apparently they are not concerned about me as they think I'll find someone easily enough, if only they knew!

Anyway long story short I'm glad to have found some like minded souls on here.

[Rockford]

Single? Yep. Very. I don't think it's possible to be more single.

Some friends once signed me up to an on-line dating thing. I had a look, but it seemed that almost everyone on there was a single mother, which I'd feel a bit weird with. Also I don't see how I'd ever have the courage to go on a blind date.

[Sandyjw]

Yep im 38 ive been single for two years. Ive only had two serious relationships - one for two years when i was in my early 20s and the other was a 8 year relationship. I was happily single up till a month ago but must admit im getting fed up with it now as i realise im not getting any younger but i still will not settle for just anyone.. I would like to try online dating but cause im not working and got my own place i couldnt afford to keep going on dates but maybe its something to bear in mind for the future.

[PaulMerton]

The problem with SA and being single is that when the internet is the only way you would dare to try and do something about it, you might end up taking a liking to someone who is too far away to ever meet!

...But I probably wouldn't say no if any nice ladies would like to chat with me? Anyone? No?

[Concept]

I don't know. I tend to think online dating is corrosive for SAers. It puts them into the mindset that something may be possible, but frequently lets them down.

[Dannysbabe]

It can also work. I met my fiancé online.

[Dannysbabe]

Originally Posted by Martin74

I've always been a stranger to the opposite sex. What with SA I never had the confidence to try. It would be nice to have a relationship just once in my life. I wonder if at 39 it's too late to get started :.

I met my fiancé last year, he had never had a girlfriend before - and he was 39. So no, its never too late