Please Don't Wait For Stuff To Happen

kingandduck · #1 27th April 2014, 21:07

I havent posted here for a while. Mainly because I've made major strides with my SA.

I'm about to go on an emotional rant because I just dont know what to do anymore.

I've mentioned here a couple of times my frustration with my situation with a girl I met and eventually fell in love with somewhat 3 years ago. I met this girl on my travels at work and see her most days very briefly as I pop into her office as part of my job.

She made it pretty obvious initially that she liked me and over time I very shyly and subtly gave her an idea that I liked her too. She would always make the effort to come over and make an excuse to chat to me. I could never get the courage to ask her out though, and a big part of me felt I wasn't ready for a relationship anyway. I told myself there are still parts of my SA and life that I need to improve before I am ready for a stable relationship. I told myself if I just wait I could eventually improve my life to where I have the confidence to ask her out and be ready for a healthy relationship. In the meantime I knew there was a chance that she would find someone else, because well, she is stunning..

It's been 3 years since I met her and for pretty much all of that she has still flirted and shown signs that she is interested. One of her work colleagues even used to make hints when she wasn't around. Me, well my feelings for her have only got sronger over time and Im constantly thinking abot her and fighting with myself to grow a pair and ask her out.

The thought of potentially being with her even motivated me with my SA.

Anyway, 3days ago I was on a friends facebook account just being nosy (im not on facebook myself) and I stumbled onto one of his best friends accounts (I dont know him). I was stunned to see this girls facebook account! She lives about 30 minutes away from me so its not like we are in the same town!

Anyway, I like on her profile and her relationship status has been updated just a few hours agao to 'In a relationship'.. With this dude who happens to be one of my closest friends closest friends..

So not only have I been absolutely crushed that she is now in a relationship. But its with a friend of a friends who lives like around the corner in my town..

Absolutely crushed. And its all my fault because I had my chance plenty of times and I couldnt do it.

So now Im at an all time low. I just feel pathetic and the thought of this girl who Im crazy about being with this other dude who lives just down the road is killing me.

So Im writing this just so I can rant to myself. But Im also writing it to tell people NOT TO WAIT.

JUST DO STUFF. ASK GIRLS OUT. GET WHAT YOU WANT.LIVE.

Because as ive discovered, other people will take those opportunities if you dont!

So im out. I'm hearbroken and crushed and literally have lost all motivation and hope that I have gained in the last 5 years.

ROCK BOTTOM.

pheys · #2 27th April 2014, 22:25

this is true, but even post SA, some people, like myself, lack the emotional and social skills required to do things like dating.

hollowone · #3 27th April 2014, 22:57

Sorry to hear that. I had a situation not too dissimilar to that a year ago.

On the note of this post, what was your biggest fear regarding asking her out? Were there any fears about what would happen further down the line if you were to start dating her, or were there fears about screwing-up? Were you worried about blowing it, from a sense of 'can't afford to lose this opportunity' type fear? Things like this have got in my way before. Whatever the reason, try not to be too hard on yourself about it.

The next time such an opportunity pops round, I hope you'll be better able to take advantage of it. At least be glad you had someone attractive being interested in you. At least this is evidence that there are women out there who'll give you a chance to 'bat' metaphorically speaking. I'm sure opportunities like this will emerge again. After this sort of thing, it's normal to feel hopeless, it's normal to be convinced that this is the only chance you'll ever get. These feelings will pass in time.

kingandduck · #4 27th April 2014, 23:02

Quote:

On the note of this post, what was your biggest fear regarding asking her out? Were there any fears about what would happen further down the line if you were to start dating her, or were there fears about screwing-up? Were you worried about blowing it, from a sense of 'can't afford to lose this opportunity' type fear? Things like this have got in my way before. Whatever the reason, try not to be too hard on yourself about it.

Exactly this. I wasn't scared of being immediately rejected when asking her out. I was scared of her finding out who I really was deep down and not liking it and blowing the whole thing for good. So I kept telling myself "Not yet, not yet". I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough socially for her and that I wouldn't be able to keep her happy. Kept worrying about what she would think about the gaps in my life because of SA.

kingandduck · #5 27th April 2014, 23:05

Quote:

Is there a reason she didn't ask you out? Three years is a long time for two single people to mildy flirt with each other without anything happening.

I think it's quite rare for a woman to ask a man out isn't it? And I probably wasn't forward enough for her to know for sure that I was into her. I think she has a strong hint, but I never made it completely obvious because I wasn't confident enough.

Maybe she wasn't all that into me. But she always found a reason to talk to me and made compliments on my appearance every now and then. And then her colleague dropped pretty strong hints I think. ]

I dunno. Whats it matter now.

kingandduck · #6 28th April 2014, 00:27

Maybe you're right. She could have asked me out.

lookup86 · #7 28th April 2014, 02:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by kingandduck

Maybe you're right. She could have asked me out.

Maybe she didn't know you liked her? Maybe she feared rejection as much as you and It's quite rare for a woman to ask a man out. Only the really confident ones do that and even then if the women feels she has to ask the man out it makes her feel like he's not really all that into her.

Also what your going through might not have anything to do with anxiety. It happens to men/women ALL the time! Even the really good looking and extremely confident people go through it.

rachlou · #8 28th April 2014, 15:41

This is so sad! But one of life's sad lessons!
You've gotta take that leap of faith sometimes or someone else is going to swoop on in and take it for themselves..
I hope that one day you fall in love again

Or you never know, the relationship she is in now may not work out and you may get a second chance!
Good luck either way, chin up!

Lifebuoy · #9 28th April 2014, 18:23

There's the positive and the negative in life, isn't there? But sometimes the negative has a positive side to it.

I think that 'affairs of the heart' are extremely high risk, especially if you suffer from SA. We are not good at dealing with things going wrong for us. We take them to heart, we over-react.

You argue that you made a bad decision by not taking the plunge and asking this girl out. This is because by procrastinating you apparently 'lost' her to someone else. I suspect that you didn't 'lose' her, because you may never have acquired her in the way you wanted.

I think if you had asked her out, it wouldn't have taken her long to realise that you've got 'issues'. Maybe she would have found that your repertoire of things to chat about is rather limited, or too negative. Maybe she would have felt suffocated by your (possibly obsessive) love for her. It's nice to think that she would have fallen in love with you too... but that tends not to happen if women sense that a man is very 'needy'. Also if you have SA, you are almost certainly very self-focussed... with not a lot of spare capacity for meeting the emotional needs of other people.

So it's likely that the relationship would have run into trouble and she would have 'wanted out', even though she liked you in lots of ways. Then you would have been in REAL trouble. Your self-worth would have been lying in tatters. You would have been in utter, heart-wrenching despair and feeling desperately sorry for yourself.

So I think that on this occasion, your reticence about asking her out was intuitively sound. Much better to get to a point where you are feeling pretty good about yourself, then think about acquiring a companion.

I've been hurt lots of times in the past by being too ambitious with aspirations for girlfriends... and getting emotionally 'involved' before they did. It's fine to have a go... but being prone to SA, there can be a big price to pay if it doesn't work out.

So keep a healthy interest in women, and be open to having a possible relationship. But sense 'danger' when you've fallen in love too precipitously. It's better if that comes some time after you have started dating... that way, if it falls through early on, you will be able to handle the situation... and not 'die' of a broken heart.

thegreyman · #10 28th April 2014, 19:06

I can really empathise with your situation King&duck - I've been holding back my whole life and have missed out on everything. I think Lifebuoy's advice was fantastic - I used to go through entire cycles of what felt like falling in love followed by crushing heartbreak, without even being in a relationship which is completely stupid. It's inevitable if you sit back too afraid to try, but in total hypocrisy I have to confess to never having had the guts to ask anyone out.

db838 · #11 28th April 2014, 21:17

Jesus I'm in a similar situation. I've liked this girl for about 5 years at work and I'd say these last few months we have got pretty close to the extent that I'm pretty convinced that she likes me. The thing is she has been in a sort of long-distance relationship with another guy who works with us in the holidays when he's not at uni. Anyway he's now pretty much back full time so she and he are now together, and yet she keeps wanting to do more and more stuff with me. It hurts that I can't do anything about it. I mean, really hurts. I've never got on with a girl this much before, in fact she's one of only two people who I do stuff outside work with. She's interviewing for other jobs now too, so it could be that I have completely blown the best chance I'll ever have of being happy.

Silent Ninja · #12 29th April 2014, 20:58

I'm in a situation similar to this as well, but I think in my case I just got it all horribly wrong and she never liked me in that way at all (or even in any way really), we work in the same office all day though, so I sometimes get myself stressed about the whole thing.

tallyn78 · #13 1st May 2014, 08:47

maybe they won't last- don't be too down on yourself. Otherwise there are other fish in the sea. You obviously like this girl a lot but if you've never seen her socially then how well do you really know her?
I might be best to ask girls out as a mate or work colleague and see what happens? You needn't think of asking someone out as asking them on a date as that is a lot of pressure for an SA person.